A Widow's Hope (32 page)

Hannah felt as though she’d been kicked in the gut by a plow horse. “You’re blaming me for your daughter’s problems?” The words came out sounding like a squawk.

“No,” he said, his face contorted with sadness. “It’s just not something you can help me with. I think Phoebe’s worried that you’re taking me away from her—that she’ll get even less of my attention than she gets right now.”

Hannah’s spine arched like a cornered tomcat’s. “Well, you
can explain to her that that’s never going to happen. And if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got better things to do than stand around jawing with you.” She stomped off toward the barn where piles and piles of raw wool were waiting to be spun from the shearing she’d had done last week.

She didn’t need Seth’s approval or his understanding. She had only tried to help with Phoebe—to draw the child from her sad, quiet world and heal her wounded spirit. She’d begun the English instruction so she could be ready to start school in the fall. Amish
kinner
take a big step when they leave the
Deutsch
–speaking home to join an English-speaking world. Phoebe needed to become part of a larger community than the Miller brother farms. But Seth saw her as a bad influence on his daughter since the warning by the district elders. Suddenly Hannah had become unsuitable company for a youngster.

Climbing to her loft where her wool waited to be sorted and spun, Hannah fought back tears for the second time. She felt sick over being cut off from the precious little girl. She’d made a mistake in growing so attached to Phoebe. She’d made an even bigger mistake in growing so attached to Seth. He thought she would never make a good wife. At the moment she didn’t know which hurt more.

“Phoebe?” Seth called. “Come outside. We’re going home.”

Julia heard Seth hollering through the screen door. The child, who’d been playing in the front room with Leah, ran into the kitchen, dragging her doll by the hair.

Julia limped into the back hallway. “Did you find my sister? Did you have a chance to talk to Hannah?”

Seth placed one palm flat against the doorjamb and tapped his toe with impatience, looking cross.

“
Jah,
I found her,” he said irritably. “Didn’t do me much good.”

“Is this about the warning?” Julia asked. Her brother-in-law
wouldn’t appreciate her nosiness, but too much was at stake here. Julia knew her sister too well.

Seth lifted one dark eyebrow. “It is. I would’ve thought Hannah could come to me about that instead of letting me hear it from the grapevine.” He didn’t try to hide his anger or disappointment.

“Did she talk to you now about it? Did she explain what happened and why it’s hard for her to talk about it?” Julia whispered the questions. She knew she was crawling out on a thin branch.

“No,” he said, drawing out the word. “I suppose she thought it was none of my business.”

“Seth, why don’t you come in and have some breakfast. Then—”

“No, Julia. I don’t have time to argue with a stubborn woman who’s made it plain many times where I stand with her.” He opened the screen door and took Phoebe by the hand. “And we’ve already had our breakfast this morning,
danki
just the same.”

The two marched off toward their buggy as though late for an appointment.

Julia felt her own breakfast churn in her stomach. She shook her head, trying to think of something to say or do to stop this unfortunate chain of events. But there wasn’t a thing she could do. Only Hannah could fix the mess she’d made with Seth.

Even though Emma had done all the chores, Julia managed to putter around the kitchen for hours, wiping down this and cleaning out that, anxiously waiting for her sister. Finally a lint–speckled Hannah walked inside and headed to the sink to wash.

“Shall I make sandwiches for lunch?” she asked. “I’ll slice the tomatoes I picked this morning and open a jar of spiced apples.”

“No, Hannah. Emma already made egg sandwiches, and the tomatoes are already on a plate. She brought up the last of the canned peaches, not spiced apples.” Julia tried to calm her nerves with a few deep breaths.

Drying her hands on the towel, Hannah asked cheerily, “Then what can I do?”

“You can start by telling me why you have no trouble showing love to me and affection for Phoebe, but with everybody else you just run off and hide.”

“What are you talking about? I don’t run away from anybody.” Hannah scraped her palms down the sides of her skirt. “Is this about Seth? I told him I read my Bible—all the chapters—and that I find great solace there.”

“Then you should have mentioned the visit from the elders, and it wouldn’t have turned into the tangle that you have now.”

Hannah lifted her chin higher while her lower lip began to tremble. “I couldn’t, Julia. If I started talking about one, I’d have to talk about the other incident. That was a long time ago. It doesn’t affect the person I am now.”

“But it does, or you wouldn’t be sweeping it under the rug. You’re still afraid someone will find out and think less of you.”

The trembling spread to both of her hands. “And wouldn’t they? No man wants a troublesome wife. If I told Seth everything, he would run in the opposite direction. He certainly wouldn’t want me near his little girl.”

“You’re sure of that, Hannah Brown?” Julia mustered every ounce of courage she possessed.

“I’m sure of it, sister.”

Julia knew she was going too far but couldn’t stop herself. She had watched Hannah repeat the same pattern that had kept her lonely too long. The time had come to speak her mind. “This isn’t the only subject you’ve been avoiding. Why didn’t you tell Seth about your work with Phoebe—that you were trying to prepare her to start school. You could have gained his approval and his assistance. Why keep it hidden as though
you were afraid to let him know?”

“Because he might not have liked the idea of Phoebe learning English,” Hannah said as her hands clenched.

“Then you could have stopped until she went to school, but I think you were afraid he’d find out how fond you are of his daughter, how attached you’ve become.”

“He might not want me getting too attached.”

“Well, by now you would know for sure how Seth feels instead of guessing. And Seth isn’t the only one you run from.”

Hannah looked perplexed while a bead of sweat rose above her lip. “What do you mean? Who else do I run from?”

“Simon, my husband.” Julia shifted her back against the chair as every joint began to ache at once.

Both of Hannah’s hands curled into fists, but she quickly relaxed them and clasped them together. “I don’t run from Simon. I spoke with him last night. You witnessed the end of
that
conversation for yourself.”

“
Jah,
you talked to him because he approached you. How often do you seek out his counsel on an upsetting matter—not just because he’s your brother-in-law but because he’s a deacon in your new district?”

Hannah’s eyes glazed momentarily as she pondered the question. “Offhand, I can’t remember a time, but I’m sure I have at some point.”

“I don’t think so,” Julia said, shaking her head. “You seldom initiate a conversation, and if you have a problem you keep it from him.”

Hannah inhaled a strangled breath. “Simon has never thought highly of me. He always assumes the worst if the situation involves me.”

“You don’t allow him an opportunity to do otherwise. Why didn’t you tell him that Seth was giving you a herding dog instead of letting Turnip arrive unannounced? Simon doesn’t like surprises.”

“I wasn’t completely sure Seth would find the right dog.”

Julia shook her head dismissively. “And you should’ve told Simon before you left that I wanted Emma to accompany you to Sugar Creek. Instead, when he came into the house and found me alone with the girls off playing, he thought I was being neglected.”

“I had no idea where Simon was on the farm and no time for wild goose chases.” Hannah was growing annoyed with the interrogation, but Julia remained steadfast. This conversation was long overdue.

“And speaking of your trip to Sugar Creek—why didn’t you explain your reason for going into business with Mrs. Dunn? If Simon knew you planned to use the profits to buy my arthritis medicine, he wouldn’t resent your time spent in the barn loft.”

“It wouldn’t make any difference!” Hannah said. A blush rose up her neck into her cheeks, and she turned the color of a ripe tomato.

“You can’t be sure of that. You’re so convinced that Simon will misjudge you, you misjudge him first.”

Hannah shifted her weight to the other foot and perched one hand on her hip.

But Julia held up a hand to stem any protests. “I’m not saying Simon doesn’t jump to conclusions too. He should have come to you about quoting Scripture instead of going straight to the elders. He forms opinions too quickly, but I’m afraid you two share that particular habit. You’re both very much alike—that’s why you so easily get under each other’s skin.”

Hannah seemed to deflate like a balloon. “I’ll think on what you’ve said, Julia. I have no wish to argue about your husband.”

“And think about telling the truth to Seth. The whole truth, including what happened in Lancaster. If that should come out at some point in the future, you’ll again turn a molehill into a mountain.” Julia finally released her breath with a
whoosh
as a weight lifted from her shoulders.

Hannah’s face furrowed with grief. “No, Julia. You might be my big sister, and this might be your home, but you can’t tell me what to do regarding Seth. I have my reasons for not discussing Pennsylvania with him or with anyone else for that matter. That is water long under the bridge. Right now, whatever comes out in the future won’t make any difference to him. Seth has already made up his mind about me, and nothing I can say will change it.”

As Hannah wiped the tears from under her eyes, Julia suddenly felt mean–spirited. Did she hurt her sister’s feelings for no reason whatsoever? Had things fallen apart between Hannah and Seth? Or worse, did she invent this romance between two casual friends out of her own desire to see them married and their families forever joined together?

“I will consider your advice regarding Simon, but about…the other matter, I trust you won’t bring up the subject again.” Hannah looked as though she would bolt like a startled deer—her usual reaction. Maybe she would flee to the loft or to her favorite spot by the river. But instead she closed her eyes for a full minute and then said, “I’ll set the table and get out the sandwiches. If you could ring the farm bell, I believe it’s time for lunch.” She walked to the refrigerator with a shaky step but with her head held high.

At that moment, Julia had never respected or loved her sister more. She hoped, however, the woman–to–woman chat hadn’t done more harm than good.

The sandwich lunch with canned peaches and iced tea dragged on for several hours—or so it seemed to Hannah. The boys told fishing stories from their successful morning on the pond in a rowboat. Emma shared ideas about gathering berries, roots, and wildflowers to make various types of natural dyes for the wool. Leah mostly moped, missing the companionship of her cousin Phoebe. Simon, Julia, and Hannah remained quiet, each either content to listen to the three
kinner
or lost in their own thoughts.

Afterward, Julia retired to her room to rest, Emma and Leah cleaned the kitchen, and Hannah went to her room to write a long overdue letter to Thomas. She had plenty of weeding to do in the garden; several ewes needed to have matting cut from their fleeces; and baskets of wool still waited to be spun from the shearing. She
had considered spending the afternoon with Emma, searching for natural dye ingredients, but her heart wasn’t in it.

The less time she spent with the impressionable young woman, the better. Then it wouldn’t be quite so unbearable when they had to go their separate ways. As she had promised, Hannah contemplated Julia’s allegations. The conclusion? Her sister was correct on all counts. She could have avoided many problems with Simon if she’d been forthright. She did have the habit of hiding from the man whenever the opportunity allowed. No wonder his opinion of her was so low.