A White Coat Is My Closet (38 page)

Silence swept over the group like a spray of ice water, and people shot each other panicked glances. Had Brian cracked under the pressure? Had he gone completely crazy?

Dr. Franklin looked at him and then, as if pleading for an explanation, looked at Dr. Mueller, the director of the residency program. Dr. Mueller was unable to offer anything more than a confused shrug.

Dr. Franklin returned his attention to Brian. “Dr. Mitchell, I didn’t understand your answer.”

This time, Brian shook his head even more confidently. “Florence Henderson.”

Now everyone’s discomfort crescendoed to an intolerable level. We averted our eyes by staring at the floor and concentrated on looking at anything other than Brian or Dr. Franklin. We anticipated that at any moment, men in white coats would show up to carry Brian away.

In an attempt to regain control over the situation, Dr. Franklin implored Brian in a very calm and patient tone, “I’m confused, Dr. Mitchell. Could you please explain your answer?”

“Well.” Brian cleared his throat. “I once heard that while playing Trivial Pursuit, if you were asked a question and had no idea what the correct answer was, you had a 50 percent chance of being right if you answered Florence Henderson. I have no idea what the answer to your question is, so I figured responding ‘Florence Henderson’ at least gave me a 50 percent shot. Am I right?”

The silence extended for about two more seconds, then everyone fell into a fit of laughter. It was hysterical. Partly because everyone was exhausted from the intensity of the extended rounds, partly because we were relieved none of the rest of us would likely be asked the question, and partly because, though Brian had completely violated the sanctity of chief rounds, he had pulled it off without being belligerently offensive and had even succeeded in making Dr. Franklin laugh.

“You win, Dr. Mitchell. And on that note, I’ll spare you from having to present the last two patients and let everyone get back to work.” His smile broadened. “Oh, and Dr. Mitchell, we’ll all look forward to your presentation tomorrow morning before rounds on orbital cellulitis and the dangers of cavernous sinus thrombosis.” He winked. “I intend to have a front-row seat. Even in a game of Trivial Pursuit, I try to leave little to chance.”

T
HE
phone woke me up at eight thirty on Sunday morning. Because I knew Sergio had worked the night before and was scheduled to work the brunch shift again that day, I was sure it was him calling to make plans for the evening. Trying to push the grogginess out of my voice, I reached for the receiver and whispered in a tone I hoped sounded at least a little bit sexy, “Is this my own Italian heartthrob?

“Sorry, dude.” Declan’s voice came booming thorough the earpiece. “Not the booty call you were hoping for. This is your conscience speaking, and it’s calling to tell you that you’re an asshole.”

I laughed. “That’s funny. My conscience sounds just like my friend Declan, which is kind of ironic because everyone knows he doesn’t even have a conscience.” I rolled over to look at the clock. “Besides, a good conscience would know never to call before nine in the morning on a weekend. You must have the wrong number.”

Declan’s tone became a little more serious. “You’re right. I must have the wrong number. Maybe you can help me, though. I was trying to reach my friend Zack. This used to be his number, but it has apparently been disconnected. I haven’t heard from him in more than three weeks. You wouldn’t know how I might reach him, would you? Did he leave a forwarding number? Has he left the country? Has he left the planet?”

I chuckled softly. “Okay, okay. I get the message. I’ve been a dick. But, in my defense, the hospital has been crazy busy.”

Now Declan’s voice did get genuinely more stern. “That bullshit excuse might work with your other friends, but it doesn’t fly with me. Your job has always been busy. It didn’t used to matter, though. When you were an intern, despite the fact that you didn’t sleep more than twenty hours a week, we still managed to talk to each other on a regular basis and probably never went more than about four consecutive days without seeing each other. I don’t think this has anything to do with the job. I think that this has to do with your newfound fascination for Italian blow jobs.”

Declan’s seriousness brought me immediately awake. I sat up and held the phone more purposefully. Though he was trying to cloak his remarks with teasing, I realized his feelings were genuinely hurt, and I immediately felt awful. I hadn’t been intentionally neglectful of our friendship, but now I realized the euphoria I’d been swept up in by spending time with Sergio had made me oblivious. Declan had been my best friend through thick and thin, and how had I treated him in return? The first opportunity to have a boyfriend came along, and I grabbed it without looking back. It was a sad commentary on my character. Declan was justified in expecting more from me as a friend. Besides, if things between Sergio and me didn’t work out, he would be the first person I would go running to.

I didn’t want the extended silence to become uncomfortable, but I was at a loss for something to say. Finally, with my chin tucked remorsefully against my chest and with the mouthpiece clutched tightly in my fingers, I said, “I’m sorry, Dec. You’re absolutely right. I’ve been acting like a lovestruck high school girl, and I’ve treated you like complete shit.” My apology was sincere, but I also knew I had two things going for me. Declan was ultraforgiving, and he was incapable of staying mad at me for long. I ran my hand through my hair and tried to inject a little jocularity into my voice. “Would a Cadillac margarita buy my way back into your good graces?”

Declan laughed. “Look, Zack, I’m not really trying to bust your balls, and fortunately for you, I can be bought off with a cheap shot of tequila. For the record, I’m genuinely stoked that you’re hitting it off with the Italian what’s-his-name. I’m just saying that pursuing a relationship shouldn’t mean abandoning your friends. It would warm the cockles of my soul if you were to marry this guy, but I’d still expect to be your best friend, and I’d still want to see your ugly mug every now and then.”

Now I was laughing. “Gee, Dec, I’ve never seen your cockles. If we get together tonight, do you promise to show them to me?”

“Why don’t we start by you promising me that we’ll get together tonight? We’ll save the cockles exhibition for later.”

“You’re such a tease. But you’re on. Let’s definitely get together tonight. In fact, if it’s cool with you, I’d like to invite Sergio. I figure it’s about time my best friend met the Italian what’s-his-name.”

“Perfect! This doesn’t get you completely off the hook, though. I still want a little one-on-one time with you too. If he’s with us, you’re going to be on your best behavior. And besides, I’m gonna wanna hear the unedited juicy stuff. No way you’ll do any real sharing with him around.”

“Okay, I promise. Let’s see if we can all get together tonight, then I’ll call you tomorrow when I’m leaving the hospital. We can meet at the gym to go work out together and then grab a bite afterward. Cool? If you want to know the truth, I’ve really missed you. Being on my best behavior is exhausting.” I heard Declan’s familiar chuckle on the other end of the phone and knew that once again things were right with the world. He really was amazing. The mark of an incredible friend was someone who genuinely wanted you to be happy and was willing to tolerate your shit on the journey to finding it.

“Okay, it’s a date. And since we’ve come to this agreement and you’re appropriately remorseful, I guess I’ll be able to refrain from bitch-slapping you when I see you. Though God knows you deserve it for abandoning me like that. What if I’d been kidnapped by some psycho and forced to participate in some perverse sexual act against my will? Who would have come to rescue me?”

I laughed. “Come on, Dec. If you were being forced to participate in some perverse sexual act, you’d want anything other than to be rescued. Have the whole thing caught on video maybe, but rescued? Never.”

“Ah, ye who thinks they know me so well. That’s where you’re wrong. I’m pure vanilla. The leather whips in my closet are only there should I ever have the courage to chase my real dream of running away and joining the circus. Never hurts to be prepared.”

“The circus, huh? I’ve heard of sword swallowers, but I didn’t realize they were looking to hire someone to make an orange traffic cone disappear by sitting on it naked. Yet another thing to cross off your bucket list.”

By this time, we were both rocking with fits of laugher. It did feel good to once again be talking to Declan. If anyone overheard our conversations, they would think we were completely crazy. It didn’t matter, though, because we thought we were hysterical together. Put the two of us in the same room, and regardless of the situation, within a few minutes, we’d be laughing uproariously about something. He really was a good friend.

After a little more verbal sparring, Declan said, “So, about tonight—I have an idea. If Sergio does agree to join us, I’ll call John, we can all meet at my apartment, and then we’ll drive up to these stables in Griffith Park. They offer a guided horseback ride. For twenty-five bucks each, we join a group and ride over the top of the mountain and down to a Mexican restaurant on the other side. We have dinner there, down a couple pitchers of margaritas, then ride back in the dark. I think they estimate we’ll be back to the stables by eleven. It’s kind of late when you consider that we all have to get up and be at work early tomorrow, but it sounds like a blast. What do you think? Seems to me you just finished saying that you owed me a Cadillac margarita.”

“Sounds like I might be dragging my ass out of bed with a hangover tomorrow, but we’re in. Let me call Sergio now to confirm that he’s up for it. I’ll call you back in a few. Do we need to make a reservation?”

“Yeah, I just called but only got a recording. They don’t open until ten. Call me as soon as you’ve spoken to Sergio. In the meantime, I’ll call John. Hope Sergio doesn’t feel overwhelmed by the prospect of spending the evening with all three of us.”

“Don’t worry. He’s not easily intimidated.”

“We won’t grill him too badly. Talk to you in a few.”

I hung up and dialed Sergio’s number. He answered on the third ring. He sounded a little sleepy. “Hello.”

“Hey, you. It’s me. Hope I didn’t wake you.”

“Hey, babe. No, I’ve been up for an hour. I had to get some laundry done before I went to work. Actually, I was going to call you, but I was waiting until after nine. I figured you’d be sleeping in. What’s up?”

For a moment, I was speechless. He had called me “babe.” It was the first time he had addressed me using a term of endearment. My head shot so far into the clouds that I had difficulty forming words. “Umm.” I tried to find my tongue. It was difficult to speak through a smile that stretched across my entire face. “I was calling to see if you wanted to make plans for tonight. I just hung up the phone with Declan. I’m not sure he believes you really exist. He thinks that the studly Italian I’ve been talking about is just a figment of my imagination.” I chuckled softly. “You’re not real until he sees you in the flesh. We were talking about the possibility of him and John and you and me all getting together tonight. What do you think?”

“Let’s do it. I was beginning to think you were keeping me a secret from your friends.” He laughed. “Or that you were embarrassed to be seen with me.” The pitch of his voice changed a little bit, but I could still tell he was joking. “I am kind of worried, though. If you’ve been describing me as being studly, they might be disappointed when they see me in the flesh.”

“Jealous? Maybe. Shocked? More likely. But disappointed? Never. As a matter of fact, if they didn’t know I was so poor, they’d probably think I was paying you to go out with me. As it is, I imagine they’ll suspect that I’ve somehow succeeded in drugging you and am using pharmacologic brainwashing to get you to date me.”

“Or, if they’re really your good friends, they’ll recognize how lucky I am to have the opportunity to go out with you.”

My smile remained plastered in place. I was almost relieved Sergio couldn’t see me. “I’m not sure how you’d say that in Italian, but in English, that translates into one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me. I’ll take the compliment. But they’re my friends, they’re not mentally challenged. They’ll recognize that I’m the one who has really scored.”

“Let’s just let them be the judge. Between the two of us, I somehow suspect I’ll be the one in the hot seat to prove to them that I’m good enough for you. Anyway, what did you guys have in mind? I’m up for anything.”

“Hmm. Up for anything? I’ll remember you said that after we ditch them and I have you all to myself.” A chuckle escaped from deep within my chest. “Funny you should ask about the plan. Declan has been brainstorming. He wants us to go on a horseback ride through Griffith Park. He was a little unclear on the details, but the evening includes horses, a Mexican restaurant, and margaritas. It’s either the recipe for disaster or a ton of fun. Can I tell him we’re in?”

“Definitely. I’ve never done it, but friends of mine have. You ride over the hill to this Mexican cantina that supposedly has crappy food but great margaritas. Once you’re shitfaced, the challenge is staying on top of the horse for the ride back. I’ve heard the trails offer killer views of the city at night. Let’s do it.”