A Vampire's Soul (22 page)

I saw her as a child, a beautiful young girl not yet in her teens, dressed in silks and satins, with ribbons adorning her lustrous dark hair. From the style of fashion, and the manner in which her hair was dressed, I'd guess Katja grew up in the mid-1600s. Her life, however, was appalling. A pretty doll used by those with power and money, she was passed from bed to bed to satisfy the most depraved of sexual appetites. I couldn't decide which was more horrifying—the abuse itself, or Katja's belief that being treated this way was acceptable. And reminding myself that these were different times didn't make it better.

Furious that she had inadvertently shared such intimacies with me, Katja used her fangs to rip and tear my skin. She now had another reason to hate me, though I doubt she needed one. I gasped, and whatever images I might have had of Katja's childhood were swallowed up by a black hole of excruciating pain. I had never experienced anything like this, and I could feel my chances of survival dwindling with each passing second. Katja's fangs were inflicting as much damage as possible in order to maximize my blood loss. The realization made me think of the woman Gabriel had executed. Bad luck for me Katja didn't possess the skill or finesse to make it happen in a controlled, efficient manner. This was going to be as messy as she could possibly make it, and I knew that was for Gabriel's benefit. By the time she was done, my neck was going to look like a pack of hyenas had been chewing on me.

I didn't know how much time had passed when I fell to my knees—three, maybe four seconds?—but everything was moving in slow motion. Gabriel must have been in shock because he hadn't made a move toward me. Surely one good smack alongside Katja's head and she'd be persuaded to let go of me. And if that smack resulted in an accidental decapitation, I'd give him my word I wouldn't lose any sleep over it. Lord knows I was going to cry more for poor Oscar than for the Goth Queen. And then I understood what was wrong. Gabriel couldn't make a move on Katja while Ryiel was here. It would be wrong of him. Ryiel was her maker, and it was his place to deal with her.

In the meantime . . . I was dying.

The shock of feeling Katja release her hold on my neck and arms at the same time was like a jolt of electricity through my system. I was too far out of it to even try and use my hands in an attempt to stanch the flow of blood. I knew it would be nothing but a wasted effort. I imagined I was doing a passable imitation of a blown Texas oil well, only the blood flow couldn't be capped.

Slumping over on my side, I saw Ryiel had his hand wrapped around Katja's throat and he was holding her up off the ground. Letting go of me was not her choice, it would seem, and even though her face was turning blue and her eyes were bulging unattractively, she was fighting him with everything she had. Reluctantly, I had to admire her. Crazy or not, she wasn't going to go away peaceably. If she was a guy she'd have had a massive set of balls. Unfortunately for Katja, Ryiel was not as impressed as I was by her tenacious nature. With an angry snarl, he flicked his wrist, and Katja went completely limp in his grasp. He dropped her to the ground, where she landed like a rag doll. I could only assume he'd broken her neck, and I thought about how unfair that was. Katja would be up and running around in no time at all, while I was still gonna be deader than the proverbial doornail.

By now I could barely feel the blood running down my arm. How much had I lost? I was trying to remember how long it took me to fill a bag when I donated at the last Red Cross blood drive. Five minutes? Less? More? I didn't recall, but I was getting light-headed. There had to be at least a pint or more soaked into my pajamas, and I was fairly confident just as much had seeped into the ground by now. And it wasn't stopping. I was feeling shaky and cold and disoriented. I was becoming an expert at going into shock.

I couldn't seem to remember why I was outside, but I knew Gabriel was there. There was something I had to tell him, something important. I needed him to know how sorry I was . . . sorry that I wasn't strong enough . . . sorry that I'd failed him . . . and how very much I loved him. I was trying not to close my eyes. In all the movies I've seen, once the badly injured person closes their eyes, it's all over. I didn't want that, not yet, but it was really hard trying to keep them open. I'd never felt so tired. I reckoned I could sleep for a week, and I was feeling cold. Really cold.

You do know you're dying, right?
my inner bitch informed me.

No shit! Good to know one of us still has a firm grasp on the obvious.

“ROWAN!”

I could hear the panic in Gabriel's voice, and I was getting a little miffed that it was taking him so long to reach me.

What's the point of all that speed vampires are famous for if they don't use it? But maybe he needs to take his time. He's got to be able to lie convincingly when I ask him how bad off I am. God knows, I'm a mess, and—oh shit!—he doesn't know Laycee's in the house. I've got to tell him that, and also tell him she knows he's a vampire. I think, under the circumstances, he'll forgive me. And for some reason I'm thinking about taking a trip to Kansas, except I can't remember what for. What's in Kansas except Dorothy and Toto, and why would I go for that? My most hated movie of all time was
The Wizard of Oz.
Maybe, if I just closed my eyes for a moment and rested, I'd remember what was so important about Kansas. Maybe, if I took a little nap, I'd remember a lot of other things when I woke up. And I really needed a nap because I was so tired I could sleep for a month . . .

“Rowan . . . Rowan . . .”

Jeez, I must have the absolute worst case of CRS in recorded history because I know I know that voice calling my name. I just can't place it.

“Rowan . . . open your eyes for me.”

It's a great voice, warm and persuasive and kind of sexy, too. But it's not my type of sexy, and opening my eyes is going to take a whole lot more persuading than that. I can be quite stubborn when I set my mind to it.

“Don't want to,” I mumbled petulantly, “. . . tired . . .”

“You can sleep later, Rowan.”

Something was tickling my ear, which was annoying as hell. I tried to slap it away but instead I caught it in my fingers. It was long and silky, and despite my better judgment I opened my eyes. It was a feather. Red and gold, it shimmered in my hand, promising the most glorious sunrise. Or sunset.

“I've found your loophole,” Sebastian whispered in my ear.

I
wasn't that surprised to find myself at the Void. It was, after all, where my life with Gabriel had truly begun. And it was fitting I should return, although I wasn't sure why Sebastian had brought me here. Getting to my feet, I looked around. The only light that I could see was coming from the Void itself, and as that was in constant motion, the light was also forever moving. Splashes of brightness randomly thrown against enormous cavern walls illuminated the dense blackness with a momentary brilliance. It reminded me of some kid going crazy with a paintball gun.

Tipping back my head, I looked up, but the light didn't reach that far, so all I could see was endless darkness. There was no sky because this place, wherever it was, was not above ground. It was deep within the bowels of the earth. I was standing on one side of a vast abyss. Was it really this big the last time I was here? I don't remember. Back then, all I was focused on was Gabriel. I paid no attention to my surroundings. The Void had served a purpose, and once it was accomplished, I thought no more about it.

Carefully I checked my neck, expecting to feel the butchery wrought by Katja's fangs. But my skin was surprisingly smooth, with not even a scratch to show for the attack. I moved the flat of my hand across my shoulder, but once again the skin was unbroken. Staring at my palm, I fully expected to see it stained with blood, but it was perfectly clean. I wasn't bleeding, which could only be a good thing, and I was able to stand without help, which was even better. I raised my arm, moving it experimentally above my head, flexing my elbow, wrist, and fingers. Everything seemed to be working just fine. Gingerly I took in a breath, and then a deeper one. My fingers made their way down my sides, pushing lightly against my ribs. They didn't hurt, so I took the deepest breath I could stand and exhaled slowly. I guess whoever fixed my neck also took care of my ribs.

I was almost too afraid to feel my face, but I knew I'd only torture myself if I didn't, so I raised a hand to my cheek and glided it over the skin. It was as smooth as the proverbial baby's backside. I was almost ashamed at the depth of the relief I felt.

Now I couldn't help the tears that trickled down my face. Certain earlier that I would be scarred for life, I couldn't believe how lucky I was to escape Katja's cruelty.

Of course, there was always another explanation.

“Am I dead?”

“Not quite, but it's not from lack of trying, I see.” Sebastian actually sounded pissed.

“Sorry, I just wanted to be sure. It would be embarrassing to think I wasn't when I really was.”

“Why, what do you think you would do?”

“I don't know,” I told him with a shrug. “I just wanted to know.”

“Well, you're not dead.” His mouth curved in a sly smile. “Would you like me to prove it?”

Despite the infectiousness of his smile, I decided to pass. “As I recall, you were quite disappointed by the results the last time you did that.”

“I'm willing to try again if you are. It might be different here.”

“I don't think Gabriel would like it, no matter where we are.”

“No,” the angel agreed, reluctantly, “I don't suppose he would.”

Vaguely I recalled Sebastian holding me in his arms and carrying me away. I could still hear Gabriel screaming my name and the sound of his boots pounding on the concrete slabs as he raced to reach my side, but it was too little too late, as the saying goes. Sebastian had already taken me away.

“He will forgive you,” he reassured me. “When he knows what you have done for him, he will forgive you.”

I wondered if I'd disappeared completely or if there was another
me
lying in my driveway with a chewed-up neck? A sort of shell or shadow to occupy my space until I'd done whatever it was I was supposed to do here. And if so, would anyone notice the difference? I knew Gabriel would be able to tell because I could no longer feel the bond between us. Presumably neither could he. It didn't feel like it had been cut, nothing so permanent. It just felt like a few strands had started to unravel. They were going to need to be woven back together if I wanted to repair the connection between us, but maybe after this I wouldn't need to.

I questioned Sebastian about the possibility of a shadow self occupying my place in the real world.

“What is real, Rowan?”

Oh great! Now he decided to go all cryptic and ambiguous on me. Well, I don't do cryptic. Or ambiguous. Or even obscure.

“Is there still a version of me in my world, the one we just left behind? The one where Gabriel still is?” I couldn't be more straightforward than that.

“Yes, there is,” he confirmed, telling me that as long as I continued to breathe here, I would breathe there. The trick was to not stop doing it. That was good to know because I didn't want Gabriel grieving for me prematurely. Not when I was actually feeling pretty good right now. Sebastian seemed amused by my reaction to this. I had no idea why, because it seemed perfectly logical to me. “Still don't believe it?” Sebastian asked, completely misreading the expression on my face. Before I could respond, he pinched me on the arm—hard.

“Ow!”

“Not dead—get it?”

“Okay, okay, I get it. I'm not dead!” My arm smarted, and I rubbed it. Having an extra joint in his fingers meant he could really put some oomph behind that pinch. I decided not to give him a reason to do it again.

“What happened, Rowan?”

I gave him a quick recap on everything he'd missed—which meant everything that had happened from the moment I'd stepped outside my front door in response to Laycee's text message.

“It was a ruse?”

“Yeah, it was a ruse,” I agreed.

“So you offered yourself in place of your friend.”

I couldn't tell if he was more puzzled or disappointed by the notion. Either way, he didn't get it. “Of course,” I told him. “She would have done the same for me.”

“Would she? I wonder . . .”

His voice trailed off, and I decided to let it go. I had a feeling I could talk myself blue in the face and Sebastian still wouldn't understand why I thought it necessary to save Laycee. I sighed. Sebastian really didn't understand human relationships.

“I had no choice,” I explained. “Katja used Laycee as bait, and I couldn't let my best friend in the whole world be terrorized by her . . . or worse. And besides”—I gave him one of my best smiles—“she intended Oscar to feed from me.”

“Then why didn't he?”

“Things got out of hand.” That was putting it mildly. “I honestly didn't think Katja was going to, you know . . .” With the first two fingers of my hand next to my open mouth, I parodied fangs. My ridiculously bad imitation made him grin in spite of himself.

“Surely you must have known what she intended?”

Yeah, well, there's knowing and
knowing
. I decided to bring us back to the reason we were there. “So, you found a loophole?”

“Actually . . . no, I don't think I have.”

I stared at him. “But you told me you had. That's the only reason I agreed to come with you!”

“Rowan, let me—”

“Isn't there some sort of rule about angels not being allowed to lie?”

“You were dying, Rowan! If that happened, then Gabriel's soul would have remained trapped in your body and died with it. His refusal means it cannot be released in your world.” His anger made me take a step back. “I didn't have enough time to search for a loophole; you didn't give me enough time. It's not like I can just look it up on the Internet.”

I hadn't realized that Sebastian even knew what the Internet was. He was pissed and with good cause, and I really couldn't blame him. After all, I
was
dying. “I told you you'd make a good escort.”

My joke broke the tension, making him laugh. I put my hand on his arm and apologized. “So, is there anything we can do?”

“I think there may be a way, but this is all unproven. Nothing like this has ever happened before.”

Now his face was filled with worry, only I wasn't sure which one of us he was more worried about. Me, Gabriel, or himself. I told him I'd take an unproven
maybe
over a definitive
no
any day of the week.

“What are you suggesting, Sebastian?”

“You must take the reason for Gabriel's decision out of his hands.”

I must . . . do what? I stared at him, trying to grasp what it was he was saying by reading between the lines. I was pretty sure I had it, but I wanted to be certain. “Are you saying I . . . ?”

“Gabriel wouldn't take back his soul because it would mean also taking your life, but if that was no longer an issue . . .”

“Then he could return to being an angel.”

“Precisely.”

“So I guess going the whole bell, book, and candle route isn't going to work?”

He smiled at me, a sad, sorrowful look. “There's no time, Rowan. This is the only option left to you.”

“I didn't think that was going to work anyway,” I told him.

I blew out a breath. If I've learned one thing since accepting the possibility of running into supernatural creatures during a late-night visit to the supermarket, it's never to assume you know what they're talking about. Have them spell it out if necessary, every damn word. I got the part about me and my life, but what about Gabriel's soul? This was going to be a one-shot deal with no going back to try something else. If I was successful, I would remain a permanent resident of the Dark Realm. If I failed, I would remain a permanent resident of the Dark Realm. In either scenario, I was going to get a change of address.

“You said Gabriel's soul would die with my body in my world because he's refused it.” The angel nodded, “So what happens to it when I die here?”

“Here you are in a different realm. If you die here, only your soul is forfeit. No matter what Gabriel may be now, his soul is that of a celestial being, and it cannot remain in the Dark Realm. Once released from your safekeeping, it will be returned to the Light to wait until it is reclaimed again.”

“You're sure about that? Going back to the Light and everything?”

“Of this I am completely certain.” His eyes glowed with an intensity I found a little frightening. They seemed unnaturally bright, but perhaps that was due to the lack of natural light.

“I'm dying back there, aren't I?”

He nodded, and I saw his eyes had become pools of fire. “You don't have much time left.”

There was nothing else to say. Nothing for me to do except hope and pray that Gabriel would understand why I was doing this. That my sacrifice was all I could give him. That I loved him too much not to do this. And that, if there was a way, we would be together again. I guess I must have looked pretty awful, because Sebastian opened his wings and invited me to step inside his embrace. It was warm among the feathers, and as I laid my head against his chest, I inhaled the fragrance of sandalwood and myrrh. A sense of calm washed over me, making me feel safe.

“This will work, won't it, Sebastian? I mean, it's got to.”

“No one can know for sure, Rowan. A Fallen has never refused to take back what was surrendered, so it is impossible to know what repercussions there may be. But”—putting a finger beneath my chin, he raised my head so I was now looking at him—“if there is any chance of success, then it has to be in your willingness to sacrifice everything for him.”

I would take it because a tiny, microscopic chance was better than none at all. Rustling his feathers, Sebastian opened his wings, and I stepped out of the warm circle he had created, rubbing my arms at the sudden chill. He gave me what I'm sure he thought was a very reassuring smile. It was on the tip of my tongue to tell him that only his dentist would want to see that many teeth all at once, when it struck me that there were suddenly too many teeth in that smile. Way too many.

We were at the Void, a place that was not only within the boundaries of the Dark Realm; it was pretty much the heart of the place. And yet Sebastian was here with me. He was an angel, so how could that be? Narrowing my eyes, I took a few steps back, looking hard at him as I did so. Was it my imagination, or did he look different somehow? His wings, his hair, his skin? Everything about him seemed just a little darker than it had before. And it was a darkness that had nothing to do with the poor light. It was a darkness that came from within.

“Rowan?” The sound of my name was accompanied by a rustle of feathers, and as he spread them wide, I noticed very few that were now colored red or gold. Most of his feathers had turned completely black. “Rowan?” He said my name again, only this time it was coated with suspicion.

“How is it you can be here, Sebastian?” I challenged. “Angels cannot enter the Dark Realm in possession of their souls. You said so yourself!” I was feeling panicky, and the muscles in my throat were threatening to seize up.

He stared at me, his face a mix of curiosity and pride. Curiosity about what I would do next, and pride that I had been able to see him for what he truly was.

“My soul is . . . adrift,” he said in a voice that told me any further explanations would not be forthcoming.

“Oh, Sebastian—no!” Conflicting emotions rolled through me, suddenly making me wonder if I could believe anything he'd told me in this place. Except this was Sebastian—and I liked him! “Perhaps I can help—”