A Tapless Shoulder (10 page)

Katie
laughed, and I joined her, but mine was not without abandon the way
hers was; my laugh was small and was mostly from wanting to be able
to laugh rather than actually being able to.

“
So she has
actual breasts?” Katie asked enthusiastically.

“
Yes,” I wanted her to
not
pursue this. “I’m
sure a bank account’s worth of work had been done. And it’s not
exciting on any level, I’m sure on some level, for someone,
obviously – look, we in this room are not excited about anything to
do with this,” I sighed. Katie looked at me almost apologetically,
and placed her hands on my leg. She was smiling faintly. I knew the
reason would likely hurt my pride or disagree with me on some
level; but I smiled faintly back anyway before I exhaled a weak and
weary, “What?”

“
Not that it makes any difference, but I think that she is
actually a transsexual or maybe transgendered, not positive,
but
I think a transvestite just, um, cross-dresses, I’m almost
positive,
maybe
,” she smiled
like it lightened the load. I stared
like
my stare was
crushing her
.

When her
smile had left, and I had given it more thought, I said, “I
somewhat finally have a routine in my life, but this drunken father
and transvestite or transsexual girlfriend thing is, I think, kind
of ripping through my stomach lining. I am electively naïve and
innocent, and that is something that has worked out wonderfully for
me in life. But this, today,
holy bountiful offering of crap
, it was like I was in a serious business meeting and
I didn’t know how
not
to bump people in the face with a
shovel that had poop all over the end of it, you know,
that
kind of awkwardness. I was squeamish, I was in awe. I was
just, I don’t know, floored. I couldn’t for the life of me figure
out exactly what I should have said or should have been doing, and
I don’t think I did or said anything at all, nothing important
anyway. And my dad,
ahoy crap
fuck
, he passed out three
seconds after I got there. Right in the living room, right against
the wall,” I shook my head.

“
Oh Lewis,
that’s alright,” Katie reassured me, “I think you are allowed to
feel and react however you feel and react in that sort of
situation.”

“
I stared at her breasts,” I said slowly, not sure if I was
confessing or just trying to talk my way away from the memory. “I
didn’t mean to, but they were just, it was…” I shook my head, “I
felt like I was trying to crack a code or something, you know, it
was like, okay, that’s good, establish eye contact, okay, good,
hold it, now figure out what’s going on beneath her chin,
abort, abort, you’re looking, you’re
looking
. They were the
boobiest boobs that ever did boob. I mean it; they were just
so
out in the open. You know what I mean? If she went that far
to get people to look at them, what the hell would she do if they
didn’t? It’d be like me standing dangerously close to you, pointing
at your eyes, saying, why are you looking at my finger?! He was all
show and
no
tell
.” I shook my head. Katie
looked at me sympathetically and began to rub my
back.

“
Her,” she corrected me. “Oh, so,” she paused for effect,
“is that why you wanted to do it when you got home? I mean,
staring at boobs all
night
,” she
giggled.

I laughed
gently with her and shook my head slowly, “No,” I answered, “I just
wanted to do it one more time
before I divorced you
.

“
Oh, I see,”
she said with a giggle.

“
Actually
I’ve been thinking that a hobby could really do me some good. I was
also thinking that nothing really beats the commitment O.C.D
carries, and now I’ve just got to establish the best possible
pattern for it. That’s all that was, just trying to set up a good
routine. So, um, now that you know it’s for a good cause and all…”
I tilted my head with a smile. She pushed me off the bed to my
feet.

I left to use
the washroom and to brush my teeth. When I came back into our room
she was done with her reading and was just waiting. “I set the
alarm for you,” she said.

“
Thanks.” I
lifted the blankets to get in beside her. She kissed me and then
shut the lamp off. My head swirled and my mind stumbled. I knew it
would go on and on and bump into everything in the darkness behind
my tired eyes. The room was silent now aside from our breathing,
until I said, “Stupid boobs.” Katie giggled.

We both were
laying quietly in the dark. It seemed when I moved, she moved. For
some reason it was a restless night for her too, which was rare.
Usually it was just me still awake, trying to turn everything off
and shut myself down. I was lying on my back. I turned my head and
could just see her silhouette in the light from the alarm clock.
She turned her head and I could tell she was looking at what she
thought was me as well. I was pretty sure by how the lines rose
along the shadow of her face that she was smiling.

Whether she
could tell or not, I smiled back, and said in a whisper, “I’m
awake, you’re awake; that counts as foreplay.”

In a soft and
sultry voice that I didn’t think I knew she had, she answered,
“That was a good one.” I felt her leg slide over me, followed by
the rest of her body. I was taken by surprise.

About
mid-shift I was paged to the office. When I arrived there I was
offered the one and only seat in front of the boss’s desk. I
declined and then sat there anyway. He relocated a piece of paper
that he’d been giving his attention to and took up a new one that
obviously had been designated for me.

“
I have to
give you a written warning for missed time.” He looked
up.

“
Oh yeah,” I
said rather acceptingly, “didn’t know I’d missed that much
time.”

He blinked at
me, then his computer screen, and ran his finger sideways along it,
“Well, it’s not so much that you have missed a lot of time, but you
didn’t fill out the paperwork for it.”

“
Do you mean like
a
written apology
?”

His face
said, don’t do this to me, while his mouth said, “No, you need to
fill out a Personal Leave form.”

“
Oh… so I
request a sick day?” I asked. Seeing as I was unable to rise above
the stupidity; I figured I would at least match it. The room then
seemed to become little bit smaller and I wasn’t sure if he had
just sighed or shuddered.

“
Any time you miss a day you need to get this form and you
need to fill it out and hand it in along with any supporting
documents.” He spoke as though all he had wanted was for me to have
said,
oh
okay
. His tone was one I that
felt was begging to be spurred on to see where how we would end up
when it finally lost its legs and hit the ground. The truth almost
always sprung up at that point; mad as hell and breached with the
truth just pouring out.

He was
speaking in a tone that I felt needed to be spurred on. Mostly
because I knew he was but a little encouragement away from saying
what he really wanted to. For some reason I wanted the truth no
matter how turbulent it was going to make the moment.

“
Supporting
documents,” I said like I simply didn’t know anything and part of
his job was to explain it all to me.

“
Yes, like a
doctor’s note,” he said calmly.

“
Okay, so
can’t I just fill this stuff out now?”

“
No, it has
to be done right after.”

“
Oh, um, but
don’t we give a reason when we call, or does this replace that?” I
asked and wished for drool to fall from my face to show exactly how
far from reason I thought we’d gone.

“
You still
have to call, and then you have to fill this form out as
well.”

“
Oh, I see, I
guess. Do we do that because extra stuff is fun? And I didn’t know
that; can’t I be cut some slack?”

“
No, I’m
sorry but the policy was changed and the changes were posted in the
hall,” he explained sternly. He began to twitch and make needless
hand gestures which I took to mean his patience was on the verge of
failing. He had these sheets and the computer, look; fingers and a
pen.

I tilted my
head like I had an objection, “Posted in the hall, but I’ve never
been in the hall.” Logic no longer applied. I resented him for
introducing me to yet another moment that seemed to be working
against me. As far as I was concerned I had just appeared there in
his office. “Plus,” I added slowly, “I don’t read anything in
hallways anymore; my mother ruined that for me. In the front hall
of the home I grew up in, she had up all these arts and crafts with
little plaques and tiny banners printed with stuff like, ‘If love
was a garden, I’d pick you as a friend.’ Yeah, well that was that,
no more reading anything on the wall in a hall for me.” He began
blinking more rapidly and sputtered a few incoherent things before
stopping to stare at me. He looked at me like I was applying
mayonnaise to my forehead. “So the company’s vindictive now?” I
asked with a tone that suggested I was either surprised or
impressed.

He shook his
head, “Of course not,” He continued shaking his head like he was
making up for the times he hadn’t earlier. “Why would you say
that?” It seemed he was running out of things to say.

I joined him
and shook my head, “I just don’t think it makes sense; we’re still
entitled to sick days, right? But now we have to apply for them and
the company decides if they count or not and, ultimately, if we’re
penalized or not? It’s like they’re almost breaking the law, but
not quite yet, so it’s okay for now. It just seems weird to me. I
don’t get why the company treats me like an idiot, yet I’m not
entitled to the benefits of being one.” I raised my eyebrows like I
may or may not have made a valid point. His mouth opened but
nothing followed right away, so I got up and walked my tired body
back to my tiring job.

I was in the
bathroom doing up my pants when Ding Ding came running down the
hall and around the corner. I washed my hands, dried them and
turned to face him.

“
My foot is not a robot,” he said, with an amount of concern
I couldn’t quite weigh, but thought
any
really was too
much on the subject, especially for a three year
old.

I shook my
head and exhaled dramatically, “No, big guy, your foot is not a
robot. Where’s Knuckle Butt and what on earth are you watching out
there?”

My phone
beeped with a text from Katie:
what does cad stand for when it’s a cause of death? a
friends mom died of it.

I
replied:
she either died of
coronary artery disease or she got control alt deleted.

“
I don’t have
red eyes, I have white eyes,” Ding Ding said
triumphantly.

“
Actually,
you have blue eyes,” I said and smiled, proud of how weird he was.
My mouth had the taste of coffee all through it so I thought I’d
brush my teeth. Knuckle Butt had now come to see what his brother
and I were up to.

“
Yeah, that’s
right, I have blue eyes,” Ding Ding repeated, and nodded his head
before stuffing his blanket into his mouth and walking away.
Knuckle Butt stood staring at Steven, our Chinese Crested Powder
Puff, er, I mean, our German shepherd. He was raising his eyebrows
at him – or maybe it was to himself and Steven just happened to be
there.

I stood in
the washroom with a mouth full of mouthwash.

Knuckle Butt
pointed at the sink, “Spill it,” he said, with W sounding
L’s.

I spit out
the mouthwash and laughed. “Okay, big guy, let’s get Ding Ding and
see what we should do, eh?”

Before I was
even in the hall, Ding Ding was back with his blanket bunched under
one arm and his bottle in his hand. “You’re not going to eat me,
I’m too big for your mouth,” he said with poor grammar and a hand
held up to his mouth to indicate this statement to be literally
true.

“
No, I am not
going to eat you.” I made it sound like I was a little
disappointed.

“
Knuckle Butt,” I said “where’s
your
milk?”

“
Nnoo,” he
shouted.

“
What do you
mean, nnooooo,” I replied, stretching mine even longer. I made my
way by them, gently patting each of them on the head.

“
Daddy?”

“
Yeah?”

“
Can you stop
yelling at me?”

“
Oh, can you
only say that when I am yelling at you? And, even then, it might
not be a good idea.”

“
I’m not a
little giraffe.”