A Tapless Shoulder (34 page)

Candy sprung
at me with a hug. I hugged her back, awkwardly. She caught me with
my arms down, so I could only flap at her sides like a penguin as
best I could until she released me. She went back to stand with
Nate. My dad leaned over and said quietly, “Um, she’s a bit of a
fanatic when it comes to her faith,” and then mouthed,
‘
wow.’
I shrugged and laughed. While it did surprise
me; it hardly mattered.

My dad, with
his gleaming eyes and knowing face, pointed to me with a smile, and
said with wisely chosen words, “One man’s commotion is another
man’s multiple choice.”

Katie leaned
forward, and pointed a thumb toward Nate, “One man’s
holy
shit
is another
man’s
meh
.”

I laughed and
pointed to Candy, “One man’s
balls
are another
man’s
vagina
.” We all
laughed, especially her. We all stopped laughing, quickly. It was
great she had a sense of humour, but not if she was going to
continue to laugh like that.

Nate’s mouth
gaped open as he shook his head like everything had just gone
terribly wrong. “No, no, no,” he repeated and stepped toward her
like an intervention might be in order.

That laugh
was one of the few truths in all of this, which Nate had described
to me what felt now like a lifetime ago.

I wanted to
let the dust settle and pretend I wasn’t with the person who
laughed like a freak, so I excused myself and went to finally use
the washroom. On my way back I stopped beside my trendy mannequin
friends. I was unsure how they fit into everything that had taken
place, but I was sure it was in there somewhere. I turned to face
in the same direction they were and held my arms out in front of me
so I fit in better. I wasn’t sure who was adopting who, but we were
family now. Only the bond mattered. It was the same thread that ran
through everything else; realize it and you could almost hold out
your hand and touch it.
Or
you could look at
some books and pretend to have an idea and then go on a
mind-obliterating bender:
to
each their own
.

The
mannequins had certainly enjoyed a good view of our strange, little
drama. I could hear Nate where I was, telling my dad his ‘regarding
re-guarding’ story. I looked at the father figure of the mannequin
family. “I hate to tell you this, but I’m pretty sure your wife was
made under the same roof as you. That’s probably why your kids have
no heads.” I thought I was funny and informative. I laughed. Katie
came up beside me then, curious about these well-dressed friends of
mine, and what had me laughing. Her face was bright with optimism.
She was so very, truly beautiful. I smiled, kissed her cheek and
whispered, “Can you run on the treadmill when we get home?” She
laughed and slowly nodded. I was a fool for her and knew that was
simply perfect for me. Past her, I could see my dad making a face
I’d never seen before. I knew Nate’s joke was bad, but not that
bad; it looked like – I leaped past Katie and made it to my dad
with just enough time to grab onto his arm as he crumpled to the
floor.

I kept my
hold and his weight brought me down with him. We ended up in an
awkward heap. Part of him was on me and part of me was on him. I
tried desperately to move myself and him so that I could see his
face. That was what I needed most: to see his face. I could hear
myself yelling for him. I tried to straighten him, then myself, and
then Nate was helping. We got him lying straight and I kneeled
beside him. I took hold of my dad’s wrist like I was going to check
his pulse, but then gently set it at his side. My dad was having a
heart attack and I had nothing but an idea from television running
through my head.

“
Dad,” I
tried to say but suddenly hadn’t the voice. I could barely see him
through the tears in my eyes. His were shut. I took a breath and
tried again, “Dad!” His eyes flittered. He groaned and clutched at
his chest. His back arched as pain twisted him like a rag. He
gasped. “Dad, can you hear me? What – we’re not done here – do you
hear me? There’s so much more I have to stand here and not say to
you.” I looked up, “WHAT DO I DO?”

“
Help is
coming,” Katie said desperately. Candy was on her phone telling
someone what was happening and where we were.

I had my
dad’s hand tightly in mine. “Dad,” I said weakly, “I – please,
there’s so much more I need to say to you.” His eyes opened. He
tried to speak. He couldn’t. He was struggling to breathe. His
mouth opened and shut. Then he seemed not to be trying at all. The
grip his hand had on his chest fell open.

My mouth was
open. Nothing came out of it. Nothing registered with me. Tears
were falling from my face. I shook him, “Dad,” I whispered, “don’t
die.” His eyes shut. I looked away. I thought I was falling over.
It was Nate. He was next to me, against me. He hovered over my dad,
checking for a pulse. Nate shut his eyes for a moment and then
opened them. He put his hands together and began pumping my dad’s
chest. I could hear him counting, he breathed into my dad’s mouth,
and continued again pumping his chest.

“
Really?” I
was bewildered and crashed into by every emotion.

“
I know CPR,”
he said quickly and glanced at me as if to say, we can be surprised
about it later.

Only then did
I realize I was watching my dad die. Death had only to tighten its
grip on him, but Nate was relentless. He worked on him, pumping his
chest and breathing into him, pumping and breathing, over and over,
until the paramedics arrived. We were made to stand back. Then
everything seemed to stop when one of them said,
“
clear
.” I hugged Nate and we both jumped at the sound
of the defibrillator. Nate let go of me as they raised the
stretcher. He was crying. That was something else I had never seen.
Katie was moving toward me. I reached for her.

Nate was
sitting forward in his chair ready to jump up out of it. Candy was
leaning against him. Every few minutes she looked like she was
about to say something before deciding against it. Katie sat in the
seat next to her, wringing her hands, between bouts of staring at
the door, me, and the clock. At times I sat next to her. When I
wasn’t there; I was asking the nurse for an update or pacing the
room. I, like the rest of them, was waiting for the doctor to come
through those doors once the emergency bypass on my dad was over.
My dad had gone in to the operating room with a faint pulse. It had
been three hours. If all went well, it would be another
two.

I was feeling
faint and nauseous. My body needed sleep twelve hours ago. I moved
whenever it occurred to me. I didn’t care. I got up to go stare
into a vending machine. I asked if anyone wanted anything. No one
did. Candy offered to get us all coffee. No one accepted. No one
wanted anything; nothing but the doctor to walk through those doors
with good news for us. We were together when it happened, though no
one wanted to say it, I was certain we wanted to be together when
we heard how he was.

I walked back
to the seat next to Katie. She looked at me with a very weak and
tired smile. “You can go home,” I said.

“
I know,” she said as if it was also pronounced, as
if
.

I took her
hand in mine, “I’m going to apologize now. From here on out, I may
never shut up. I don’t know if I didn’t let him in or I didn’t let
myself out, but I didn’t talk to him, hell, I probably didn’t
listen.” I looked at her very seriously, “I won’t make that mistake
again.”

She leaned
toward me, kissed me and then looked in my eyes, “He is going to be
fine, you are going to be fine, and everything is going to be so
much better.”

I nodded, “I
know.”