A Swithin Spin: A Princely Passion (18 page)

* * *

Bread and cheese had never tasted so wonderful. Antal almost chastised Kilan for getting them trapped last night. He could barely stand to think they’d had to make do with dried-up strips of meat and vegetable matter when they could have been tucking into what this morning seemed like a veritable banquet; that fact was unforgivable. Then he remembered that maybe in other circumstances they wouldn’t be sharing this companionable silence while they feasted. He could easily envision a much cozier night spent together in the cave, but that was wishful thinking. If the ground hadn’t given way beneath them… Well, he didn’t know what would have happened. Would they really have fought each other, scuffling on the ground? Would Kilan have tried to use the comet in defense? There was no way of knowing. Antal let such thoughts dissipate. He accepted things as they were and decided to leave some circumstances to fate. He fell to ravishing the meal just as fiercely as Kilan did.

Just as he’d expected, they’d managed to find their way out of the cave with minimal difficulty. Kilan had spat a vile oath that they hadn’t looked for the opening last night, but Antal had said they would have been fools to try to find their way at night, even with the light the comet provided. Escape had required some climbing and made Antal curse his impractical hair even if most Swithin men favored the style. He’d tied it back with the strip of fabric he’d used the previous night to bind his foot. Somehow, Kilan’s much shorter hair had managed to remain braided.

Antal had paused briefly at the statue to gather his things and then headed into the cave. He and Kilan sat there now, the only sounds being the wet noise of their mouths working, devouring. Small sounds of contentment followed their swallowing.

As their eating slowed, Kilan tried for conversation. It seemed the subject of sex was off-limits for now, so he tried another subject. “Why do you lack faith in yourself?”

Antal said nothing, but the way he looked at the ground told Kilan that he’d heard him.

“Last night I said Ryanac believes we both lack faith in ourselves. Me I could understand, but why you? Is it because of your father?” He didn’t really have the right to ask such personal questions, did he? They couldn’t say they were lovers. One night of sex didn’t make you lovers…so why did he feel as if he had the right to ask? How did he know Antal wouldn’t mind?

“Maybe. Partly.” Antal didn’t look happy admitting that, but he sounded accepting.

“It’s not surprising.” That was a peculiar peace offering, but Kilan meant it. Antal’s father was legendary, had fought in harsh battles, and now enjoyed gentler times. His organization and meticulous attention to detail made him a skilled guard. “You can’t expect to act like your father. He has many more years experience than you have.”

“But it’s experience he’s passed down to me in knowledge.”

“It’s not the same thing,” Kilan pressed.

“No. It’s not.” Antal bit into a chunk of bread, chewed, swallowed, staring out to the horizon. “Ryanac advised me to share my duties. My father has never been one for delegating, and I guess I’m like him in that respect.”

“Your father organizes. That’s the same thing.”

Antal glanced at him, an expression of surprise quickly changing to one of rueful amusement. “Yes, well, you should look to your own worries. Stop trying to be as good as your brother is. Have faith that you have your own abilities that don’t have to reflect his.”

Reluctantly, Kilan had to admit that maybe Antal had a point, but he wasn’t going to let him deflect the conversation. “I’m not so sure about that, but that’s what I’ve just been saying to you. Do you really believe your father is a better guard than you can ever hope to be?”

It took Antal only a moment to reply. “Yes and no. I strive to one day be as good as he is.”

“You’ve advanced quicker than he did at your age.”

“That was a fluke.”

Kilan took a moment before saying, “Then it seems we’re both plagued with self-doubt, and Ryanac was right; in some things we are alike.” Once again it seemed Antal had nothing to say to that.

At last full, and mindful not to gorge in order to leave enough food for them both during the journey home, Antal stood up.

“Where are you going?” Kilan asked.

“To wash, to dress, and then…to make sure the statue’s clean before I cover it.” He didn’t think his hesitation was lost on the other man, even if it was slight.

“Do you want me to help?”

Once, he might have thought that was Kilan’s way of trying to sound helpful while actually longing to hear a refusal so he could be lazy. He knew Kilan better than that now, and besides, today Kilan was just being astute; Antal could tell that when he looked into the man’s bright gaze. “No,” he said. No, he didn’t want help.

“I’ll wash when you’re done, then pack up everything while you deal with the statue.”

Antal nodded. “Do you want to touch it before we leave?”

Kilan turned his head, almost but not quite enough to gaze at the figure in the clearing. Antal held his breath. Kilan gave him the answer he hoped to hear. “No,” he said. “No, I don’t want to touch it.”

As to the reason Antal didn’t want Kilan to touch it, he couldn’t explain why. He just didn’t like the idea. Therefore, it came as a shock when Kilan sighed and added, “But I have to.”

“Why?”

“You know why.”

He tried to tell himself he didn’t. He tried to feel angry that Kilan couldn’t leave it alone, let it be his, as much as the sculpture
could
be his. Neither of those were the true reasons the idea annoyed him. He didn’t want Kilan to confirm what they were both thinking -- that the statue was part of the original comet. Meeting the other man’s gaze, they stared at each other, Antal standing, Kilan sitting.

“I don’t have a choice,” Kilan said, and unfortunately, he was right. Antal just had to accept that.

Chapter Eleven

“You’re certain?” Markis asked, frowning.

“Yes,” Kilan said simply, the lack of emotion in his voice unsettling him. He hated the discussion, and he wanted to be alone to think about…
other
matters. Did Markis notice?

His brother stood, gazing at the floor, looking thoughtful. “What were you doing out there anyway?”

“Don’t make this an inquest,” Ryanac’s strong, deep voice broke in. “He was doing what he’s always doing. He was off gallivanting.”

For once Kilan didn’t bother to argue. He shared a brief look with Ryanac and then turned away, his pulse racing, his heart pounding. How much did Ryanac know?

“I told you, I followed the sensation where it led me. I found the comet easy to connect to there. I touched the statue, realized what I laid a hand on, and then…” He hesitated. He and Antal had discussed a plausible story. Ryanac would know it for a lie, but as misdirection went, it worked as a mild one. Ryanac would let them get away with it. He’d told Markis that he’d followed his nose, so to speak, or his power. He claimed instinct or intuition had led him there.

“It scared me,” Kilan admitted. That wasn’t part of their story, but it was honest. The truth would serve to distract Markis from everything else, including anything he happened to hear of Kilan’s true reason for going. Not that anyone should find out he’d gone to the glade in search of…

Sex. You went in search of Antal because you wanted sex with him. Be honest with yourself for once at least. The way he’s been acting lately, it made you feel more normal. If someone like Antal could feel as if his life was out of control, then it was perfectly acceptable for you to feel that way. You don’t like being a prince, and you don’t like the responsibility that comes with the power, but it’s what you are, and there’s no escaping it even though you keep trying. To escape, you look for fun, and you got more than you bargained for, and now you don’t know what you want, just that you want…

Kilan cut his internal monologue dead. Antal. He wanted Antal. He couldn’t stop thinking about him. “Hmm?” He looked up, aware his brother had spoken and he had missed it.

“You said it scared you?”

“At first. I think… I think because I don’t have as much control as you do. I think being that close to it without you, I felt as if I had no shield, no barrier between me and…
it
. When we enter the abyss, it serves as a shield. The abyss diffuses. I think for you it may well be different, but until I have better control, I don’t want to go there again. I don’t want to touch it.”

“Maybe one day,” Markis murmured.

Kilan inclined his head. “Maybe one day. It may serve you, but it’s too soon for me.”

“Thanks,” Markis said. “I will check it out as soon as I am able.”

Kilan bowed slightly before exiting the room. Before leaving the glade, he had laid a hand on the statue. Just on the leg, just a light touch, and he had known in that instant that he was right. The rock was part of the original comet. It shimmered, shivered, positively
vibrated
with life. It liked his touch. He could almost sense the power
smiling
at him, as much as a nonphysical thing could smile. The thought of Antal having that up inside him… Kilan both abhorred and applauded the idea.

He’d asked Ryanac as much as he could and ascertained that although many did feel something incredible when touching it, no one had described the sensations that Antal had. The more he thought about it, the more Kilan believed the ritual Antal had carried out was intended to have an extreme effect on those who had experienced some intimate contact with the comet. You couldn’t get more intimate than healing or sex. Kilan had sensed some of what Antal had described, and he suspected that if Ryanac were to touch it again now, having, like Antal, been healed with the power as well as having other connections to it, he would also experience something sensational. Touching the statue had indeed left Kilan in turmoil, but nothing had left him in such a disorder as his feelings for Antal.

Kilan couldn’t help wondering when they’d find the time to talk. As much as he resisted the idea, he looked forward to it. He looked forward to seeing Antal again, and they’d only been apart a few hours. He didn’t like that at all. From the moment they were back in the city, he should have been able to go about his normal duties, sparing hardly a thought for the other man. He might have spared him a
warm
thought now and then but only because of what they’d shared, and that was past, over, done with. It couldn’t happen again. He should be looking for another form of entertainment. That’s how he…
used
to behave…

Kilan stopped in his tracks and then apologized for getting in other people’s way. He moved to the side, walking until he found a quiet spot. There he stood contemplating his thoughts. Had he changed? How? Why? Did he truly feel that blithe? Hadn’t he just moments ago told himself that his position in life was something he had to accept and needed to stop trying to avoid? He needed to accept responsibility even if he didn’t like it, and that included his personal life as well as his duties. Was he so blasé about his love life? Besides, did he truly see sex purely as entertainment? The Swithin way taught there was nothing wrong with that as long as those concerned realized, accepted, felt the same way. Was he always going to view sex that way? Didn’t he want something…more?

Maybe he was asking all the wrong questions. Maybe he should be asking whether Antal was thinking of him the way he was thinking of Antal right now. Was Antal remembering? Was he wondering if they would have sex again? If so, who would be the one penetrating? Kilan had gone after Antal not knowing the outcome but certainly never suspecting that he would be the one on his back,
taken.

Looking about him, Kilan returned to his senses. The world rushed in, unforgiving. His closest friends and family would probably smirk at his discomfort if he made his feelings public. He had no one to talk to, not about this. Only time could provide the answers he so desperately needed, and he wasn’t known for his patience.

* * *

The days ahead certainly tried Kilan’s patience. He hadn’t seen Antal, and as much as he longed to, he didn’t know what to say to him. He’d been busy, and he should have felt grateful for that, but his mind kept wandering. He tried to concentrate on the revelation that he couldn’t escape his lot in life even though it was truly no revelation at all and just something he’d hereto refused to accept. He couldn’t focus on his life. His thoughts were so full of wondering what Antal was doing and what he was thinking, everything else irritated him. Antal’s touch, Antal’s lips, Antal’s smile… These things filled his dreams and made his nights so restless he wondered how he got any sleep at all. Kilan had finished himself off more times than he could count with Antal’s name on his lips. He felt as if he was going mad. He hadn’t asked for this; this wasn’t what he wanted. Trying to escape one serious side of his life, he’d walked into another because any relationship with Antal would be serious, he just knew that. It all felt very frustrating. As if he didn’t have enough to annoy him, he had a meeting to attend.

Kilan stifled a moan as he turned into a corridor teeming with people, so crowded he couldn’t appreciate the white stone or ornate arched supports and doorways. The light even dimmed as bodies blocked all but the vaulted reaches of the leaded windows. It wasn’t that the Swithin suffered from overpopulation; it was just a busy time of day, and many of his fellow citizens blocked his way. The ruling council gathered at this hour, and part of the arrangement he had made with his brother dictated he would always attend closed sessions, if not all the open ones. In open council, people sought justice and advice. Closed session presided over the internal decisions required to govern the city. Kilan was heading that way when he looked up into a startling pair of amber eyes. That very morning, he had just reached the conclusion that Antal was avoiding him so his problem was solved. Perversely, that idea did nothing to resolve his dilemma. The thought of seeing Antal solely as a friend did all sorts of painful things to his mind, body, and heart. He wanted Antal -- he just didn’t know if he could cope with a real relationship. He tried to quash the nauseating hope that plagued the recesses of his heart, and told himself it was best that whatever they’d shared ended. When he entertained the idea that a proper relationship was a possibility, his courage faltered. In all likelihood it was pointless to try as he’d only make a mess of it.