A red tainted Silence (19 page)

“You saw me?”

She cast me a glance. “Yes, I went with Brandon.” I squirmed uncomfortably on the couch. “And Jenny, and another friend. Nicholas, this is my cousin Jenny.”

“Jenny of the flyers?” he asked.

“Hi, Nicholas. Yup, that’s me,” she said. Then, being Jenny, a handshake wasn’t enough. She folded him into her arms and hugged him. “I am so glad to finally meet you.”

“Whoa, careful,” he said, but when she loosened her grip and didn’t relinquish him, he hugged her back. “Just a little sore.”

She released him. “I guess I’d better not ask you two why.” I dropped my head in my hands. Nicholas laughed.

“What’s going on?” Melissa asked.

I looked up then, catching her looking at me. Her eyes widened. She looked at Nicholas, then back at me. I could feel my face flush. Nicholas wasn’t fazed in the least. He leaned against the doorjamb and folded his arms across his chest.

“So, what are you guys doing? I mean, gonna do now?” Jenny asked, artlessly trying, and failing, to turn Melissa’s mind from the train of thought it was inevitably following.

“We’re going to the mall. Want to come?”

But Melissa wouldn’t be pushed aside. She shook her head as Jenny tugged on her arm.

But then she smiled. “So,” she said, “I guess this means it’s really over between us, huh, Brandon?”

“What?” I yelped. “What’s over?”

She rolled her eyes. “No way I can compete with Nicholas Kilmain.”

“Nick’s just my new singer,” I said, wincing at the defensive squeak in my voice.

Nicholas stuck his tongue out at me.

“Okay, whatever you say. You guys want to go to the mall or not?” she said.

I breathed a sigh of relief and sat back. “Can’t. Nicholas has to go to work, and I’m too tired. Can you drop him off at my car? It’s at my apartment.”

“Sure, no problem. You guys ready?”

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“Um, I’ve just got to get my keys,” Nicholas said and disappeared.

Once he was gone, Melissa turned and headed for the door, then stopped as she reached it, and turned back to me and Jenny. She smiled sadly at me. “I’m happy you found each other, Brandon. I have a question, though. That night at the high school play, did you like him then?”

I flicked my gaze to Jenny and then nodded. “Yeah.”

“Thought so. Okay, I’ll be in the car.” Then she left.

I stood. “Jenny --”

“Brandon!” she squealed, then jumped into my arms, kissing me on the cheek. “I’m so happy you found him!”

I wrapped my arms around her and hugged her tight before letting her go. “Me, too.”

“But what happened? Your mom called at midnight, worried sick about you.” I glanced at the doorway. “We didn’t get back here until almost six.”

“In the morning? What happened? Nick’s hurt, too, I can tell. And hey, you’ve got mustard on your shirt.”

I looked down and shrugged. “I can’t tell you right now, but it’s been a kinda rough twenty-four hours.”

Sympathy colored her expression. “Your parents, what did they say?” I grimaced. “Well, Mom already knew ... knew why I was looking for Nicholas.”

“She was cool with it, right?”

“Yeah, she was. But my dad and Jonathan kinda freaked out at first.”

“Did you tell them?”

I looked at Sprout, shaking my head. “I didn’t have to,” I said, then grinned shyly. I glanced at the doorway to make sure Nicholas hadn’t returned. “I think it was written all over my face, how I felt about him. And we were kinda holding hands, too.”

“Oh, Brandon,” she said, clasping her hands dramatically to her face. “That is so sweet.

But ... what about Adam?”

I picked up my keys from the coffee table, where I’d left them earlier. “I’m not looking forward to that. I wish I didn’t have to talk to him at all,” I said. “I’m really afraid of what he’ll try to do to Nicholas. And me, too, once he learns that ... learns that I have every intention of staying with him,” I finished. “I’m pretty sure he won’t want us in Ashwood.”

“Once he learns you’ve come out.”

I cringed. “I don’t want it spread around, Jenny. Melissa --”

“Will keep her mouth shut. She may mope a bit about it, about you and Nicholas, but she’ll get over it.”

108

Carolyn Gray

“Good. I just don’t think I can handle everyone knowing about this. It’s no one’s business but my own.”

“I’m ready.”

I looked up. Nicholas stood in the doorway, his expression solemn. I wondered how much he’d heard. What he thought about what I’d said. But I remembered what he’d said in the abandoned apartment -- and at that moment, looking at the disappointment on his face, I wondered if he really believed it.

“Okay, let’s go, then. Here’s my keys.” I handed them to Nicholas, smiling in relief as his fingers lingered on mine.

“Thanks,” he said, tossing the keys into the air. “Sure you trust me with your wheels?”

“You haven’t seen them yet, obviously,” Jenny said, laughing as she headed outside.

As I started to walk him to the car, Nicholas stopped me. He glanced toward the car --

Jenny popped inside, and she and Melissa immediately dropped into conversation.

I said, “I hope what I said didn’t upset you --”

“No, no of course not. I think you’re right. I said it myself last night, that we shouldn’t let anyone know about ...” His voice trailed off. He glanced away, hurt in his eyes. I was stunned at his sudden vulnerability. I could hardly keep up with the ricochet of his emotions -- from confident, to unsure, and back again. He licked his lips, those lips. “About us,” he finished so low I could barely hear him.

“Nicholas,” I said, reaching out to take his hand in mine. “Nick.” I didn’t know what else to say to him. “You okay?”

He nodded. “Yes. I guess so.”

I smiled at him and, with a quick glance to be sure the girls weren’t watching, brushed my lips against his. “It does upset you.”

He shrugged. “It does a little. It just sucks that it has to be this way.”

“It won’t be when we’re alone.”

“And when will that be? By the time I get back here, your parents will be home,” he said, his frustration searing his words.

“We can go back to my apartment.”

“Except Adam might be there. No way,” he said. He closed his eyes, shaking his head.

“All I want to do is finish what I began.”

I sucked in my breath. “Nicholas,” I said. My whole body thrummed.

He opened his eyes, the corner of his mouth lifting in a quirk. “Brandon,” he said, glancing at the rapid rise and fall of my chest, “you are so easy. I love that about you.” All I could do was nod, and then he kissed me. I reached for him, splayed my hands over his hips, and pulled him close, welcoming his sigh into my mouth before I broke away.

“I wish you didn’t have to go,” I said.

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“Me, either.” His lips met mine again.

A car’s horn broke the spell. We pulled back, startled. Jenny yelled, “Come on, Nick!

You’re gonna be late!”

“Yeah, you can suck face later!”

I groaned. Nicholas laughed. Then the brat planted a sloppy kiss on my mouth before dashing down the steps and heading for the car.

* * * * *

I missed him. Bad.

My parents and Jonathan came home, but I was too tired to talk to them. My mom took one look at me, asked where Nicholas was, and when I told her, sent me to bed.

“Scoot. Now. I don’t want to see you until the morning.”

“Nicholas won’t be back until after midnight. He has a key, though.”

“That’s fine. I’ll likely be up,” my dad said. “I’ve got some papers to review. Go on to bed, son. You look exhausted. I’ll tell Nicholas he can use the guest room.” I nodded, quelling my disappointment. Jonathan eyed me, shrugging his shoulders in sympathy. I looked away. When would we get to be alone? At this rate, I’d still be a virgin at twenty-five.

I left my parents and Jonathan watching TV. Once I got to my room, I closed my door and took another shower. Then, groaning that it was only eight o’clock and it would be hours yet before I saw Nicholas again, I fell naked and still slightly damp into my bed.

It smelled like Nicholas. I hugged one of my pillows to my chest, wondering if he’d thought the same thoughts when he’d first climbed into my bed -- that it smelled like me. Of course, Mom had just changed my sheets, but maybe he thought that anyway.

Still smiling, I fell asleep.

Sometime later something woke me. It had gotten dark out. I rose up in the bed and opened my blinds, then checked my clock. No car outside in the driveway, no Nicholas. It was just about midnight, so he should be home soon. Not that I would see him -- my dad’s thoughts on the matter of where Nicholas should sleep were pretty damn clear.

Maybe we could rent a hotel room. Except I had no money.

I fell onto my back on the bed and stared at the ceiling. The moon was bright tonight and illuminated the furniture in my room, my soccer trophies, my first surfboard, scarred and busted, in the corner. I wondered what Nicholas thought of my room, what it said about me.

110

Carolyn Gray

I wondered about him, too -- what he was like as a kid, what had been on his walls. I had pics of surfers riding killer waves, posters of my favorite soccer players. I’d wanted to play professional soccer once, but that was one dream I’d given up.

In favor of the one that now rested in my palm.

I rested my hand on my stomach, realizing I was a little hungry, but too tired to get up.

My hand on my skin felt good, but I wished it was someone else’s. His. I began to rub my stomach, watching myself in the moonlight. A warm shiver moved from my hand down to my groin. My pulse increased, an image of Nicholas naked invading my mind, him beside me, his hand rubbing my stomach, moving lower, covering my throbbing erection.

Man, I’d gotten hard fast.

I moaned, arching my back as I grasped myself, as I rubbed my thumb over the weeping tip of my dick. No, Nick’s thumb, Nick’s thumb stroking me, his hand pulling, squeezing, settling into a rhythm that would bring me to the sweetest result. I spread my legs, exposing myself to my ghost lover, shame warring with the eroticism of my fantasy as I imagined Nicholas between my legs, stroking my balls, exploring that nether region I longed to have probed by his hands, his fingers, his dick.

That thought made me shudder out of control.

With my free hand, I touched my chest, squeezing my nipples as he had. My hips bucked as I increased my rhythm, the thrusting into my hand. Sweat formed a fine sheen over my stomach, my chest, my face, my thighs.

And then I heard my car drive up and come to a stop. I gasped. He was home! My dick felt heavy and thick, throbbing with the unbelievable need for release. With a final cry and his name exploding from my lips, I came, jettisoning over my stomach and chest.

Still in the final downward spiral of coming, I heard the front door open and close, heard him greet my father. I froze, panicking as I heard him walk down the hallway.

Toward my room.

I curled up on my side, my back to the door. I was sticky and sweaty and my room reeked of sex. My sex. Alone sex. Without-Nicholas sex. I grabbed a pillowcase off a pillow and swiped my chest and stomach, futilely trying to wipe the last traces off what I’d done from my stubbornly still-half-erect dick.

The door opened. I dropped the pillowcase off the side of the bed and froze -- then, only then, realized my bare ass was hanging completely out of the covers.

Looking back, I realize how silly I was. If I’d been a little older, a little more experienced, I would’ve just turned over and grinned at Nicholas and not been embarrassed by what I’d just done. But I was young and very inexperienced, and my first reaction was to react to him as I would’ve to my brothers if they’d caught me jacking off.

I pretended to be asleep.

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He came into the room, closing the door behind him. He approached. I heard him suck in his breath. He knew I’d come recently. I fought to keep my breath even, not let on that I’d just then done what he knew damn well I’d just done.

I felt fingers on my bare backside. “Brandon, you still awake?” In, out, in, out ...

I heard him chuckle softly as his fingers stroked my butt -- how I didn’t jerk at his touch, I didn’t know. Then he moved away from the bed and went into the bathroom, closing the door behind him. I heard the shower turn on then -- the guy took more showers!

I groaned, stretching out on my stomach, burying my burning face in my pillow.

Stupid. So stupid. He knew -- and had obviously thought it amusing.

I took several more deep, calming breaths. And then, inexplicably, I guess my body sated, I succumbed once more to exhaustion and fell back asleep.

112

Carolyn Gray

I wish I remembered what I was dreaming in the moments before I next woke up. I figure it must’ve been something terrifying, something along the lines of being chased by a pack of slathering, blood-soaked werewolves, or crashing in a plane.

Or maybe I was dreaming about Percy and his buddy, coming after me.

All I knew was what Nicholas told me happened, and the pain that came afterward.

And the tenderness.

I was sleeping, peacefully sprawled across the bed. Nicholas had come out of the shower and, apparently, as he put it, was so entranced by the way my naked self was illuminated by the moonlight coming through the window, he simply had to kiss me on the cheek before going to the guest room where my dad had ordered him to sleep.

I shot awake with a cry, batting at him, hitting him across the face as I rose up in the bed. I reared back, caught in the tangle of sheets, arms flailing, confused about where I was. I fell backwards off my bed, cracking the back of my skull on the windowsill.

Pain shot through my head with blinding ferocity. I cried out and slumped down, my breath totally stolen away. Hot tears sprang to my eyes as I curled up on the floor behind my bed. Stunning agony grabbed me and nausea socked me in the stomach. I clutched futility at the pain, blackness swirling around me and threatening to take me over as I writhed on the floor, gasping from the worst pain I’d ever felt in my life.