A Mother's Secret (36 page)

Carolyn climbed the porch steps later that afternoon. Her feet were sore after cleaning an extra floor of rooms for Linda, who had called in sick today. She couldn’t wait to sit down and have a cup of coffee with her mother. She stepped into the kitchen and found Sarah Ann and her mother sitting at the table together.

“
Wie geht’s?
” Carolyn kicked off her shoes and then turned around to see that her sister-in-law and mother were frowning. “What’s going on?”

“Have a seat.”
Mamm
pulled the chair out beside her. “We need to talk.”

Carolyn sat beside her mother and looked at Sarah Ann, who was wiping a tear from her cheek. “Sarah Ann, what happened?”

“I think I did something wrong. I’m so sorry, Carolyn.” Sarah Ann sniffed. “I’m so sorry.”

“I don’t understand.” Carolyn looked at her mother. “Please tell me what’s going on.”

“Sarah Ann ran into Barbie Glick at the grocery store this afternoon.” Her mother’s voice was calm. “She talked to her for a few minutes, and Barbie asked how our family was doing.”

“I started talking about Ben.” Sarah Ann’s voice was thin and shaky. “I told her how much he likes working at the farm.”

Carolyn’s heart thudded in her chest and alarm caused the hair on the back of her neck to stand up. “What did you tell her?” She studied Sarah Ann.

Mamm
touched Carolyn’s shoulder, and she jumped with a start. “Sarah Ann didn’t know.”

“What are you saying?” Carolyn’s voice rose as anguish overcame her. “What did you tell her, Sarah Ann?”

“I mentioned that Ben was your son.” Sarah Ann wiped her cheeks with a napkin as more tears poured from her eyes. “I didn’t know that you hadn’t told Josh yet. Your
mamm
told me that you were going to tell him soon, and I assumed he already knew.”

“Oh no.” Carolyn stood up and started for the door. “I have to go see him.” She pushed open the front door and found Ben and Amos standing near the porch.

“Wait!” Sarah Ann rushed after her. “Carolyn, please. You have to forgive me. I thought Josh already knew. Then the more I thought about my conversation with Barbie . . . and then your mother and I talked about it . . . I’m so sorry.”

“I’m not angry with you. This was bound to happen eventually.” Carolyn took a deep breath, hoping to calm her racing heart. “I was going to tell him, but it never seemed like the right time. Now Barbie is going to beat me to it. She’s going to tell Josh, and everything is going to fall apart.”

“I thought he knew already,” Sarah Ann said again, pointing toward Benjamin, who was watching with his eyes full of confusion. “I thought maybe Ben had told him. I’m so sorry.”

“Told Josh what?” Benjamin asked. “What did you want to tell Joshua?”

“That you’re my son.” Carolyn sighed as she looked at him. “I haven’t told Josh the truth about you.”

“It hasn’t really come up, so I haven’t mentioned it to him.” Benjamin shrugged.

“I’m so sorry.” Sarah Ann’s voice was still thin. “I really thought Barbie knew, and I didn’t think it mattered.”

“Stop apologizing.” Carolyn touched Sarah Ann’s arm and tried to calm her sister-in-law. “It will be okay.” Although she said the words, she didn’t think it was okay, or that it would ever be okay again.

“Did you really believe you could keep it a secret forever, Carolyn?” Amos asked. “You knew this was going to happen eventually. Maybe Sarah Ann did you a favor. Now you don’t have to tell Joshua because his
mamm
will tell him for you.”

Carolyn felt something inside her snap and white-hot fury seized her. “Amos, I’m tired of your comments about my life. You need to just stay out of my life and keep your unkind and judgmental criticisms to yourself. I’m doing just fine, and Ben is too. We don’t need you butting in and telling us how to run our lives.” She marched down the steps past him and headed toward Benjamin’s buggy.

“Carolyn!”
Mamm
ran after her. “Wait.”

Carolyn climbed into the buggy and took the reins. “
Mamm
, I have to go talk to Joshua. I know exactly what Barbie is going to do. She’s trying to keep us apart, and this is her perfect opportunity.”

“Do you want me to go with you?” her mother offered.

“No,
danki
. I have to do this myself.” She directed the horse to move forward.

“Be careful!”
Mamm
yelled after her.

Carolyn guided the horse toward the road while praying she could somehow beat Barbie to Joshua’s farm.

Joshua stood at the stove and poured some macaroni and cheese from a pot into a bowl. He glanced at the clock on the wall and wondered if Carolyn was home from the hotel yet. He planned to eat supper and then head over to her house to visit with her this evening. And if he felt confident enough, he might just ask her to marry him. The idea caused his pulse to skitter. He couldn’t wait to hear her response, and he prayed it was positive.

“Joshua, we need to talk.”
Mamm
appeared in the doorway wearing a deep frown.

“Hi,
Mamm
.” He carried his bowl of macaroni and cheese to the table. “Would you like something to eat?” He sat at the table and bowed his head in prayer.

When he finished,
Mamm
sat beside him and shook her head. “You’re not going to feel like eating after I share the news I heard today. You have to listen to me.”

Joshua gave in to her dramatic expression and pushed his bowl away. “You have my attention. I’m listening.”

“Your
dat
told me you’re in love with Carolyn Lapp and you’re going to ask her to marry you.”

“That’s right.” He nodded his head. “I’m going to ask her tonight.”

“I need to tell you something before you do that.”

“You’re not going to change my mind.” Joshua frowned at her. “If you’re here to talk me out of it, then you can just forget it.”

“Just listen to me, Josh.”
Mamm
paused and took a deep breath. “Did you know that Benjamin isn’t Carolyn’s nephew?”

“What are you saying?”

“Benjamin is Carolyn’s son.” His mother said the words slowly. “She had him when she was only sixteen. Carolyn is an unwed
mutter
.”

Joshua stared at her as the words soaked through him. “That can’t be true.”

Mamm
nodded. “
Ya
, it is. I ran into Sarah Ann today at the grocery store, and she told me. I know it’s true.”

His mouth gaped, and he felt as if the world were spinning out of control. “That can’t be true. It just can’t be true.”

“Sarah Ann thought you already knew.”
Mamm
shook her head. “She thought Carolyn told you.”

“Why didn’t she tell me?” He whispered the question as he raked his fingers through his hair.

“Carolyn isn’t the
maedel
you thought she was. She hasn’t been truthful with you, Josh. She’s not
gut
for you.”

“I don’t understand.” Joshua shook his head. “I trusted her. I told her everything. Why wouldn’t she tell me something so important?” He felt all of his dreams crumbling around him while the happiness that had been blossoming inside him disappeared in an instant.

How could everything go
so
wrong so quickly?

Carolyn guided the horse up the driveway, where she spotted Barbie standing by a horse and buggy. Joshua stood on the porch and stared toward her. Carolyn’s blood ran cold. She stopped the horse, climbed out, and faced Barbie, who gave her a smug smile.

“You’re too late,” Barbie said as she approached her. “Joshua knows the truth about you. Your sister-in-law told me all about how you had Benjamin when you were a teenager and your boyfriend left you. I shared everything with Joshua and now he doesn’t want you.”

Carolyn stood up straighter as confidence mixed with fury surged through her. “I don’t think it’s your place to decide what’s best for Joshua.”

Barbie shook her head slowly. “No, it’s not my place, but I know my son. He’s devastated that you never told him the truth. Were you too ashamed to tell him about your past? Is that why you let him think Benjamin was your nephew instead of your son?”

“No, I’m not ashamed.” Carolyn took a step closer to her. “
Ya
, I made a mistake, but I was young, and my family and my community forgave me. God forgave me. And I’m tired of having to justify something that happened to me nearly sixteen years ago. Not you or anyone else is going to make me keep feeling bad about it.”

“Carolyn,” Joshua said as he walked up behind her. “Is it true?” His sad, wilted expression caused Carolyn’s heart to crumble. “Is Benjamin your son?” he asked, his voice hoarse and thick with emotion.

“
Ya
, he is.” Carolyn nodded as a lump swelled in her throat and her stomach began to churn. “Can we talk alone?”

“Is that really necessary now that the truth is out?” Barbie rested her hands on her wide hips and glared at Carolyn.

“That’s enough,
Mamm
,” Joshua said. He turned to Carolyn. “
Ya,
we can talk in there.” He gestured toward the barn, and they walked toward it together. Almost inside, Carolyn tried to explain.

“I wanted to tell you.” Carolyn hoped she could temper her growing sadness. “I was going to the other night, but Amos interrupted us.”

He stopped just inside the door and faced her, his expression transforming from hurt to anger. “I don’t understand why you weren’t honest with me. I told you everything. I poured my heart out to you, but you couldn’t tell me the one most important secret of all, that you’re a
mamm
.”

“You have to believe that I wanted to tell you, Josh.” She laced her fingers together as if she were praying. “But you have to understand that I’ve dealt with so much hurt. I’ve spent my whole adult life trying to protect Ben from the judgment I’ve faced nearly every day since I was sixteen. I made one mistake that changed my whole life, and people feel it’s their right to talk about me behind my back and call me names that aren’t even true.”

“But I’m not other people, Carolyn.” He pointed to his chest. “I care about you. I care about Ben, but you couldn’t have the decency to tell me the whole truth.”

“I was going to tell you.”

“When, Carolyn?” His voice rose. “When were you going to tell me?”

“Soon. I was planning to tell you the next time I saw you.” When his expression remained unchanged, Carolyn shook her head. “Why isn’t that
gut
enough for you?”

“I don’t know.” He let his hands hit his thighs. “This changes everything.”

“Why does it have to change everything? I’m being honest with you right now, Josh. I’m telling you the whole truth.” She studied his eyes. “It’s her, isn’t it? It’s your
mamm
.”

“No.” He shook his head. “That’s not true.”

“
Ya
, it is. She told you to reject me because I made one mistake.” Her voice wavered as she realized she was losing him even though she’d thought he loved her. “It’s people like your
mamm
who judge me and my precious son for my one mistake—they’re the ones I’ve had to protect Benjamin from. Ben is a
gut bu
. He doesn’t deserve to be treated differently because of the way he came into this world. He deserves to be treated with the same respect as anyone else. But there are still people like her who enjoy criticizing Ben and me.”

“I’m not one of those people.” Joshua shook his head. “I’m hurt because you didn’t tell me.” He paused for a moment as if contemplating something. “I thought he spent a lot of time at the
daadi haus
because he was close to you and his grandparents, but now it all makes sense. When I told Ben to talk to his parents about working full-time here, he hesitated. He didn’t correct me, so I guess he’s used to lying about all this.”

“No, he didn’t lie to you, and he’s not used to lying either. I told him he could let people believe what they wanted as long as it didn’t hurt him. His biological
dat
was a
bu
I met and thought I loved when I worked at a market in Philadelphia. He pressured me into being with him. He wanted me to go to Missouri with him, but I couldn’t do it. I found out I was going to have Ben after his
dat
left me. My parents were my biggest supporters. They stood by Ben and me despite what some other members of our community said. I was baptized into the faith after I had Ben, and I’ve been true to my Amish vows.” She stood
up straighter as a surge of confidence overtook her despite her growing heartache. “Your problem is that you let your
mamm
run your life.”