A Mother's Secret (13 page)

“
Ya
. Of course I do.” He laughed a little. “
Daadi
would get so worried and tell us to come in before we got hit by lightning.”

Carolyn chuckled as she hugged her cloak to her body. “I remember sitting on the porch and watching storms with
mei daadi
before he passed away. You would’ve loved him. He was so funny.” She stared toward the main house. “He would’ve loved you too.”

“What did
Onkel
Amos say to you?” Benjamin’s tone was
cautious as if he were afraid of getting into trouble for asking about adult things.

Carolyn turned toward her son and internally debated telling him the truth.

“It was about me, right?” His voice became unsure.

“No.” Carolyn shook her head. “Well, in a way.”

“What did I do now?” He sounded exhausted, as if this subject wore him out.

“No, no, Ben. You haven’t done anything wrong.” Carolyn fingered the seam on her cloak while choosing her words. “
Onkel
Amos wants me to get married. He thinks it would be
gut
for you to have a
dat
.”

“But I have
Daadi
.” He shrugged. “In my mind, he is my father. He’s the only father I’ve ever known, and that’s fine with me.”

“I know that, and I’m thankful my parents have been here to help me. They’ve always been
gut
to you and me.” She paused, hoping to choose words that wouldn’t hurt Benjamin’s feelings. She didn’t want him to feel as if he were a burden to her or her family.

“Wait a minute. Saul is a widower. Emma said her
mamm
died six years ago.” Benjamin sat up straight as if an idea flashed through his mind like lightning. “Is that why
Onkel
Amos invited Saul over tonight? Is he trying to find someone to marry you and be my stepfather?”

Carolyn couldn’t lie to her son. “
Ya
.” She whispered the word.

“And he thinks Saul would be a
gut
husband for you and father for me?” he asked.

“
Ya
, that’s right.”

“Do you like Saul?”

“I don’t even know him.” Carolyn shook her head. “I don’t know how I can make that decision without getting to know him.”

“Are you going to date him?”

Carolyn nodded. “I told Amos I would give Saul a chance and try to get to know him.”

“Is that what you want to do?”

Carolyn sighed and stared back toward her brother’s house. “I don’t know what I want to do.” She turned toward Benjamin. “Do you want me to get married?”

Benjamin shrugged. “I want you to do whatever makes you
froh
.”

“Does that mean you’re satisfied with your life?”

“Why wouldn’t I be? I have everything I could ever need, and I know you love me. That’s all anyone ever needs, right?”

“
Ya
, that’s true, but you never had a regular family like everyone else.”

“That doesn’t matter to me,
Mamm
.” Benjamin rested his ankle on his knee.

“You don’t think living here is hard? You’ve never had an easy time with the way your uncle and cousins treat you.”

“I’m used to it.” He was silent for a minute. “Do you ever feel like you missed out on having a normal life because of me?”

“What do you mean?” Carolyn studied her son and wondered where his thoughts were going.

“You could never go to singings.”

“It’s okay. I wanted to be with you.”

“Did you ever date after I was born?”

Carolyn shook her head.

“So I ruined your life.” His voice was small and unsure again.

“No, no! Don’t you ever say that. You’re the biggest blessing in my life, Benjamin. God gave you to me for a reason. You’re my angel.” She touched his arm. “I never considered you a mistake, so don’t you ever think you are one. Do you understand?” She emphasized the words.

“
Ya
.” He nodded. “Does that mean you never wished you were married?”

Carolyn contemplated the question. “
Ya
, I would like to be married, but if it’s not in God’s plan for me, then I will be satisfied. I have something some women never have, and that’s a son like you. Some women never get the opportunity to have
kinner
.”

“That’s true.” He was silent for a moment, as if he were contemplating something. “I don’t think you should rush into marriage with anyone. It’s for life, so you can’t change your mind after the wedding.”

Carolyn smiled at her son. “You’re a smart
bu
.”

He yawned. “It’s late. We better get to bed.”

“You’re right.” Carolyn yawned in return.

As they headed into the house for the night, Carolyn sent up a silent prayer asking God to guide her friendship with Saul. She then smiled as she sent up another prayer thanking God for her wonderful son.

EIGHT

J
oshua wiped his brow before lifting the hammer and bringing it down on the new post he was adding to the back pasture fence on Wednesday afternoon.

“Josh,” Benjamin began as he held the post in place, “I want to ask you something.”

“Go ahead.” Joshua let the hammer fall to the ground.

“I’ve been working here for over a week now.” The boy’s voice was hesitant.

“
Ya
.” Joshua took a drink of water from the thermos he’d brought from the house. “What are you getting at?”

“I’d like to do more than just shovel out stalls and fix fence posts.” Benjamin pointed toward the barns and stables. “I want to learn what you do.”

Joshua studied the boy, impressed and surprised by his enthusiasm. “Really?”

“
Ya
, really.” Benjamin’s emphatic nod nearly knocked his hat off his head.

“What do you want to learn?” Joshua prodded.

“I want to learn how to train horses, how to shoe them, and everything else you do every day.”

“Why do you want to learn everything I do?” Now Joshua was intrigued by the boy’s yearning for knowledge.

Benjamin pushed his hat back and wiped his sweaty brow. “I like working here. It’s better than working on my family’s dairy farm. I think I want a farm like this when I’m older.”

“Really?” Joshua placed the thermos on the ground and then picked up the hammer.

“Yes, really.” Benjamin’s expression was determined, and Joshua was overwhelmed by the boy’s interest. Joshua had always dreamed of teaching his nephew everything he knew about horses, but that dream evaporated when Hannah took the boy out of the community and into the
English
world. Maybe this young man could become a surrogate nephew to him.

“You do realize mucking the stalls is part of learning about the farm,” Joshua said. “By working in the stalls, you’re learning how to be around the horses.”

“I know, but I want to learn more than just how to shovel manure.”

“All right. Here’s the plan. After we finish this fence, I’ll show you how to brush and water the horses. Once you show me that you’ve mastered those two tasks, we’ll move on to more. Does that sound good?”

Benjamin clapped his hands. “Great! I can’t wait.”

While they finished working on the fence, Joshua contemplated his conversation with Benjamin. He had an overwhelming feeling that the boy wasn’t the one who had thrown the rock at his horse. He now wondered if Benjamin had been telling the truth and his older brothers had lied, which also could have been the reason Carolyn was so irritated during their first conversation. Maybe Carolyn knew the other boys were lying,
and she was trying to convince her father to believe Benjamin. And that was also why she was so upset after Benjamin came home exhausted and filthy his first day at work.

He pondered Carolyn Lapp. She was obviously very protective of Benjamin, which he found intriguing. Although Joshua and Gideon were close, his older brother never protected him like Carolyn protected Benjamin. Joshua clearly remembered being teased by the one mean boy in school, and Gideon rarely defended him against the bully. Joshua had to tell his father what was going on before the boy was corrected.

Joshua wondered why Carolyn would take such a keen interest in her nephew. Carolyn Lapp was a true mystery.

Benjamin burst into the kitchen at his grandparents’ house later that evening, causing Carolyn to nearly knock her pot of noodles off the stove.

“Ben!” she yelled. “You startled me!”

“Mamm!”
He rushed over to her. “I had the best day!”

She smiled. “Really? What happened?”

“Josh and Danny taught me how to brush the horses.” Benjamin grabbed a cookie from the jar on the counter as he continued. “It was so
wunderbaar
! I’m actually learning how to take care of horses now. This is the best job. I think I want to run my own horse farm when I’m older. Maybe I’ll find some land and own a place just like Josh’s.” He kissed Carolyn’s cheek and then hurried off to his room.

Carolyn beamed as she watched him disappear. Her heart warmed at the sight of her son’s enthusiasm. She silently thanked God for giving him the opportunity to find happiness.

“What was all the ruckus?”
Mamm
appeared in the doorway leading from the family room into the kitchen.

“Ben is home from work. He’s
froh
because he learned how to brush down the horses today. He loves the job, and he says he might want to run his own horse farm someday.”

Mamm
grinned. “That job is the best thing that ever happened to that
bu
.”

“I know. I was just thinking the same thing.” Carolyn smiled as she stirred the noodles in the pot. She had to find a way to thank Joshua for bringing joy into her son’s life.

Carolyn guided the horse up the rock driveway toward Joshua’s farm. She’d spent all of that Thursday morning baking and wanted to drop off two pies for him as a thank-you for having Benjamin work on his farm before she picked up some groceries. She brought the horse to a stop at the top of the driveway, picked up a basket containing the shoofly and apple pies from the seat beside her, and climbed from the buggy.

As she walked toward the house, Carolyn glanced toward the pasture and saw Benjamin and Daniel helping Joshua train a horse. She stood mesmerized and studied her son as he worked with the other two men as if they’d been a team for years. Tears burned her eyes when she realized Benjamin had finally found a place where he fit in after years of struggling to feel as if he belonged with his cousins. She felt as if her most urgent prayer had finally been answered.

“Thank you, God,” she whispered while gripping the basket handle.

A few moments passed before the men realized Carolyn was
standing there. They waved to her, and she returned the gesture. Joshua started trotting toward Carolyn. Her stomach flip-flopped as he approached, and she tried to keep her sudden and overwhelming attraction to him in check as he climbed through the split-rail fence and smiled.

“Hi.” Joshua adjusted the straw hat on his head. “Ben said you might stop by today.”

“
Ya
.” She held up the basket. “I was baking this morning, and I wanted to bring you a couple of pies. I had planned to send them over with Ben, but I didn’t get to bake last night. Since I have to work tomorrow, I had to bring them over today.” She realized she was babbling because she was nervous. She quickly stopped speaking. Why did this man make her so self-conscious? She’d never been self-conscious before.