A Moment of Weakness (34 page)

Her comment certainly wouldn’t make many people sympathetic.

“But that doesn’t mean I’m in favor of censorship across the board. Americans must maintain our right to free speech if we are to remain a strong nation. We wouldn’t have Bibles if it weren’t for freedom of speech.” Jade was calm, but passionate at the same time. Tanner studied the reporters and saw they were still suspicious of her. Tanner wondered if they would get past her remark about censorship being necessary sometimes. By the hard looks on their faces, he doubted it.

“However, when magazines release unfit material on our children for their own financial gain, someone needs to stand up and fight against them. We must care more about our kids than to let them fall prey to the whims of consumerism masking itself in freedom of speech.”

Tanner was awestruck. Jade’s understanding of religious freedom was strong enough that she could easily take her place alongside him at the CPRR offices.
Way to go, Jade
. If only she hadn’t slipped up that one time early on.

The press conference wound down, and when the last reporter left, Jade turned to Tanner. She was flushed and breathless. “Well?”

“You did great.”

A look of panic flashed in her eyes. “How come you sound worried?”

Nearly everything Jade said had been brilliant. But that one line, the comment Jade had made about censorship, gnawed at Tanner’s confidence.

“I sound worried because I am.”

T
HEY STOPPED FOR PIZZA, AND
J
ADE WAITED IN THE CAR WHILE
Tanner picked up their order. The evening was beginning to feel too familiar, too much like it had felt when she and Tanner were together that summer. She wanted to be alone, turn on the television, see how the media would play up her interview.

But she figured she owed Tanner this one night to explain herself. Then he could admit his lies, make his apologies, and go back to Los Angeles where his fiancée waited. After that, they would have an easier time remaining on business terms throughout the proceedings, and Tanner wouldn’t feel compelled to ask questions about their past.

He returned with the pizza, and Jade didn’t have to ask what kind it was. It would be Hawaiian with olives. Just like the pizzas back in Kelso that summer. She stared out the passenger window and remained silent as they drove to Jantzen Beach where her car was still parked.

“I get the feeling you don’t want me coming over.” Tanner turned toward her and shut off his engine.

Jade shrugged and opened the car door. “We might as well get it over with.”

“Look, if you don’t want to—”

“No, I’m sorry.” They’d come this far. Now she almost wanted to tell him the truth about what she knew. “I have a lot on my mind, but you’re right. I think we should talk.”

Tanner shrugged and started his engine again. “Okay. I’ll follow you.”

She climbed out, shut the door, and headed for her car. Fifteen minutes later they pulled up outside her home in Clackamas, a suburb in southeast Portland. They entered the house in silence.

“Nice.” Tanner was making small talk, and Jade could tell he was uncomfortable. It was just before six, and Jade had no interest in making him feel at home. The news was about to come on.

“Thanks.” She set out paper plates and napkins and moved into the TV room. “The news should be on in a minute.”

Tanner helped himself to pizza and joined her. “Try ABC first.”

She turned the channel until she found it. A serious-looking anchor told viewers that there was more trouble in Yugoslavia. “But first, we’ll update you on a story that is sweeping the nation. Last week Jade Rudolph lost custody of her only son because a Portland judge deemed her viewpoints too religious, too narrow and possibly damaging to the boy. Today, Ms. Rudolph staged a press conference in the Portland Municipal Court Building alongside her attorney, religious rights fighter Tanner Eastman.”

The network cut to a live shot of Tanner and his opening remarks. While a reporter shared the voice-over summary, cameras moved on to a shot of Jade responding to the question about censorship.

“Sometimes censorship is necessary.…” They cut Jade’s remarks there, and Tanner groaned. The reporter picked up with narrative that explained some of Jade’s attempts to censor local markets and libraries. The anchor bridged to the next story by telling viewers that maybe the time had come to consider this type of thinking dangerous. Especially where children were concerned.

Jade felt her face grow hot. “How could she? They took that completely out of context.”

Tanner sighed and situated himself so he could see her better. “I was afraid they’d do that. The minute you said it, I wanted to jump in and tell them what you meant.”

“I told them what I meant.” Jade didn’t need Tanner explaining her to the press.

“Okay, but you paused.” Tanner set his pizza down. “Pauses are deadly in this type situation because it gives them the perfect opportunity to cut.”

The television remote shook in Jade’s hand, and she flicked the channel. There she was, saying the same thing on the competing network. Only CNN included several of her statements as well as her comment on censorship. But even they were quick to say that this case might have enough merit to stand an appeal.

Why, God? Why, when you’ve always been so faithful to me?

She felt sick to her stomach as she prayed. Another flip through the channels showed that the other networks presented similar stories. By six-thirty, Jade flicked off the television.

For a moment there was silence. Waves of nausea battered Jade’s insides, and she felt dizzy. “Well?”

“It’s not good. But I don’t think it’ll hurt us too badly.”

Jade stood up and paced away from Tanner. “What do you mean, you don’t think it’ll hurt us
too
badly? They made me look like a fundamentalist freak! Of
course
that’ll hurt us.” She whirled around and stared at him.

“Public opinion is a tricky thing, Jade. Some people might side with you because … well, because you’re beautiful. No matter what you said.”

He still thinks I’m—

Jade felt her face growing hot, and she was silently thankful
he couldn’t read her mind. “But they’ll probably turn against me because of what I said, isn’t that what’s worrying you?”

“People might watch and think if you’re pro-censorship, then maybe you
are
too extreme to raise a little boy.”

Jade sat back down again, dropped her head in her hands and massaged her temples with her thumbs. “This whole thing is crazy!”

“You and I know that, but not the viewing audience.” She felt Tanner’s hand on her arm, and she changed positions so that it fell to his side once more. Tanner hesitated, and Jade wondered if he was going to say something about her moving away. Instead he sighed and said, “They only get what they see. And what they hear.”

Jade tried not to think about what she had said, the line that had made her look like a fanatic. “So we’ve already lost.” She could feel herself beginning to shake. She’d had one chance to face the public and tell them something that would help win back Ty. And now she’d blown it. If she didn’t get him back, it would be her own fault.

“No, there’s still time. Like I said, it’s possible some of the people will agree with you. There’s an undercurrent of thinking among many circles that perhaps our country has too much freedom of speech.”

“What good will that do?” Jade hugged herself, willing her body to stop trembling.

“It depends. The judge will be swayed by public opinion. Whether that’s in our favor or not will make all the difference in the world.”

“So what can we do?”

Tanner leaned over his knees and met her eyes so intently Jade felt forced to look away. “Pray that people see it your way.”

Jade fell back into the sofa and hung her head as tears fell to
her knees. From the corner of her eye she saw Tanner move toward her and then hesitate, as if he’d changed his mind. Three feet separated them, and Jade saw pride in his eyes as he studied her. “Who cares what people think. You did great, Jade. Look at the bright side.… When you get Ty back you can come work for me.”

Jade glanced up, and through her tears she felt herself smile. From somewhere deep in her heart a warning sounded:
Don’t let him charm you again
. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I could use an attorney like you. Get your law degree, and who knows.” Tanner grinned, but Jade could see sadness in his eyes.

Jade was no longer smiling.
Come on, Tanner, don’t play with me. Not after all we’ve been through, all the lies you’ve told me
. She crossed her arms and waited for him to be serious again.

In the wake of Jade’s silence, Tanner shifted uncomfortably and changed the subject. “Really, Jade, you did great. That press conference was amazing.”

Jade relaxed her shoulders and felt her defenses drop. There were still tears in her eyes, and she said, “I’m so worried about it. You do think we’ll get Ty back still, don’t you?”

Tanner’s face clouded. “It all depends on the judge.”

Jade thought about losing Ty for several months, even years, and she felt herself grow faint. It was impossible. Ty wanted to be with her; didn’t that count for something?

“Lawyers, people in legal circles, they talk about this kind of case.” He hesitated. “There are a few judges who might handle the hearing, but like I said before, word is we’ll get Judge Wilder. If that’s the case, it could mean serious trouble. She doesn’t exactly broadcast her opinions, but people in the business know how she thinks. I’m afraid she might want to make an example out of this case.”

“What?” Jade felt the room closing in on her. “She can’t do that.”

Again Tanner started to move closer and changed his mind. “If she’s the judge, she can do whatever she wants. I could ask for a different judge, but like I said, she doesn’t make her opinions public. Technically there wouldn’t be any grounds to grant a change.”

Jade’s throat was suddenly dry. “I can’t believe this is happening.”

“There’s still a chance we’ll get someone else.” Tanner’s gaze fell to his hands, and he sighed.

More warnings sounded on the panel in Jade’s heart. Judge Wilder would take Ty away forever and then—
God, why aren’t you helping us?
“Isn’t there anything we can do?”

Tanner nodded and met her eyes once more. “Yes. That’s why we needed this press conference.”

Jade hadn’t expected Tanner to have any doubts. But with Judge Wilder … Her body trembled with panic. “If we lose the hearing, then what happens?”

“We appeal it again. All the way to the Supreme Court if we have to.”

Jade let her head fall back against the sofa. “That could take a year. Two years, even. Maybe three.” She thought of Ty and the way he’d begged her to take him home. “I don’t have three years.”

Moving slowly, cautiously, Tanner made his way closer to Jade and gently squeezed her knee. “I know that, Jade. Pray for a different judge. If we get Wilder, I’ll do everything I can. I’m just trying to be honest with you.”

Don’t touch me
. Jade adjusted herself once more so Tanner’s hand fell away again.

“I guess that brings us—” Tanner took in the distance
between them and drew a deep breath—“to the reason we’re here tonight.”

Jade sat up straight and turned so she could see him. “I guess.”

“You’re angry with me, aren’t you?”

Jade remembered how it felt when Doris Eastman told her about Tanner’s children—little Amy and Justin. She thought about how Tanner had left her alone and how he’d lied to her that summer. “Yeah, I guess you could say that.”

Tanner seemed to struggle for a moment, as if his own anger were bubbling just beneath the surface. She waited. The house was silent except for the subtle whirring of the refrigerator and the persistent ticking of Jade’s grandfather clock in the next room. Tanner trained his eyes on hers and appeared to search for the right words. Finally he drew a deep breath.

“All day I’ve been thinking about this moment, wondering why in the world you’d be mad at me. And I have to tell you, Jade, I’m still in the dark.”

“Come on, Tanner.…” Jade was tired of playing games.

“I’m serious. I come back from Hungary, and you’ve married someone else.” His eyes flashed, and Jade wondered how he could maintain his act so well. Did he really think he could keep the truth about his past a secret from her? “I’m sure you must have had your reasons, but really … I think you owe me an explanation, and whatever it is, I don’t think it gives you the right to be mad.”

That was it
. Jade had heard all she could take. “Is that right?”

“Yes. You hurt me, Jade. I still don’t know why you did it.”

Jade cocked her head and leveled her gaze at him. “Do the names Amy and Justin mean anything to you, Tanner?”

Tanner thought a moment and his brow creased. “Yes … so?
What do they have to do with us?”

She wanted to slap him. “They have
everything
to do with us. Did you really think I could go on with my plans to marry you after I found out about them?”

Tanner released a frustrated sigh and leaned closer to Jade, his face a web of confusion. “You’re losing me, here. Who told you about Amy and Justin?”

“Your mother.” Jade had to force herself to lower her voice.
How could he sit there and—

“My mother? When did you talk to her?” Tanner leaned forward and dug his elbows into his thighs. His face was contorted in what seemed like genuine and utter confusion.

At that instant a thought dawned on Jade, a thought so terrible it caused a churning terror deep in her gut. What if Doris Eastman had lied? What if that was why Tanner was so calm about her knowledge of Amy and Justin? After all, the truth was out, and still Tanner showed no signs of remorse, no shame. “I met with your mother a week after you left for Hungary. I wanted to talk to her about.”
Careful, Jade. Careful
. She heeded her own warning and her earlier fears. “We … agreed to meet for tea one afternoon.”

Tanner looked puzzled. “And she told you about Amy and Justin?”