A Matter of Fate (28 page)

He turns his back on me, leaning forward against the railing. When he speaks, it’s flat and unexpressive. “You’ve known him for thirteen years.”

“Yes.” Each breath is shuddery now, ready to fall apart. “I got even more confused, because I felt . . .
feel
things toward you, too . . . .”

A series of protective walls seem to slam down around him as his face becomes emotionless. It’s then I realize he doesn’t believe me. He’s got to feel it in me, but he’s so hurt that his emotions are shutting down and his brain is telling him that I’ve lied all along.

Kellan tilts his head away, back toward the black ocean. His words are clipped, clinical. “Did you know, that in all the years you and my brother dreamed about each other, he never once mentioned you?”

I’d guessed it, of course, but even still, it hurts to hear this.

“The real kicker is how I never sensed it. Prior to today, I could’ve sworn I knew everything there is to know about Jonah. Now I feel like I don’t know him at all.”

“That’s not true,” I whisper.

Kellan pulls at his hair. “He hid you from me.” He laughs bitterly. “We never hide anything from one another. We’d hide a lot from everyone else, but never each other.”

My chest hurts from holding all of the sobs back. “I’m so sorry, so, so sorry . . . .”

“I’ve known he’s been angry at me for a while now, but he’s refused to talk about it. I didn’t know it was because of you. I felt the resentment, but . . . .” He stares down at his shoes.

I wait. The air stings as it moves in and out of my tightened lungs.

“He made it difficult for me,” he continues. “I guess I have to admit there was always something I sensed when you two were around each other, but I didn’t know what it was. He scrambled it in a way, to confuse me. And I chose to ignore whatever you projected. I just . . . I guess I was so tired of trying to get him to talk that I gave up and stopped asking.”

I grapple uselessly at the railing.

“We’re twins, Chloe. There’s a bond between us. It’s sort of hard to explain to someone who’s not a twin, but it’s like we’re tethered together. Normally we can feel each other, sense what the other is thinking or feeling. He must’ve compartmentalized you deep within. I never
saw
you, not once in all those years.” Kellan holds out his hands and stares at them, as if he’s surprised they’re empty. “Jonah’s pretty tight with his emotions and thoughts. I mean, we’re Emotionals, so it sort of comes with the territory . . . But hiding things from
me
?”

The tears I’ve been trying so hard to hold in break free and drip down past my nose. I snuffle like a dying cow or something.

“I confronted him today, after talking to Cora. Jonah says you two haven’t spoken yet, not once since we moved here. I guess I never really noticed that.” He slides a quick glance my way. “You even asked about that the other day. So I guess the question is, why not?”

It’s hard to sound coherent when all I want to do is bawl. “I . . . I d-don’t know.”

“Have you wanted to?”

I give a tiny nod. I lean against the guardrail, as close as possible to Kellan without touching him. I want to, desperately, but it’s got to be on his terms, not mine. He grips the rail again tightly, his fingers mere inches from my body. “What are you afraid of?”

His fingers are long and beautiful. I like the way they curve over mine when he holds my hand, how they feel in my hair when we kiss, and how easily they catch my tears when I cry. How do I tell him I’ve been afraid to talk to Jonah because I’m afraid of becoming hollow if he disappears again? “It’s killing him to not be able to talk to you.”

The words come out as hiccups. “Did he . . . did he t-tell you that?”

“I know my brother. I know that much at least.”

There is a small scab on one of his knuckles. I stare at it in horror. “Did you two . . . f-fight?”

He looks at the scab, too. “We argued, if that’s what you’re asking.”

I want to let go, allow the sobs to fully break through to release the pressure in my chest, but I can’t. Not here, not in front of Kellan, not even if he can feel the desperate pain in me. “Oh, oh, g-gods . . . I’m so, so s-sorry . . . .”

He bites his lip. “We were once one, you know.”

“One?” I manage.

“Identical twins always start out from one egg. We were a singular entity, even if it was for a tiny span of time. And now . . . .”

I nod like a bobblehead doll, over and over. I want to ask him if Jonah hates me, or if he, Kellan, hates me. But I don’t. I just keep bobbing my head, chewing my lip, and trying to breathe in a way to keep the sobs at bay.

“We moved here because of you.”

The bobbing slows and then stops.

“We moved here,” he continues, “because my brother influenced my father to do so. So he could be close to you. We left Maine, our family, all our friends, our school, the house my mother designed and had built before she died—all because of
you
. Because of what you mean to him. This all makes sense to me now.”

I feel like throwing up.

He finally turns to face me. “Here’s the thing. I absolutely hate that he’s hurting right now. I hate that there’s this huge wedge between us that’s never been there before.”

What can I even say to that?

“But,” he says, “you’re right. There’s something real between you and me. And he knows it.”

I am a horrible, horrible person. I’ve just hit the grand slam in a game of shitty things a girl can do to the people she loves. “Kellan,” I choke out—but honestly? Nothing I can say is remotely good enough.

He sighs and allows my hand to wrap around his. It’s cold, and he’s tired, so tired that his eyes are shadowed by dark purple-y smudges.

“I’m so mad right now, Chloe. So unbelievably angry at all of this.”

My heart feels too heavy to bear. And then he lets the protective wall around him slip a little. Just enough for me to see the truth of his emotions. His pain, his fears, his anger and sadness, mixed tightly together—and most importantly, the love he impossibly still feels for me.

But still . . . “I need some time away.” He says this even while his fingers slide between mine.

“Wh-what do you mean?”

“This is a lot right now. I need time to think about it all.” His free hand tugs at his hair again.

A nameless, scary emotion claws at me. “When?”

“I think it’s best I go tomorrow. After school.”

Breathe, Chloe. Breathe
. “Where?”

He hesitates, but tells me. “Maine.”

“Oh.” The lump in my throat comes right back. I can’t believe he’s going to leave. Even worse, I don’t want him to.

Sometimes I wish he wasn’t so good at sensing my feelings. I wish I could just hide my misery, because then he wouldn’t feel the need to help me when he should be focusing on himself. “I’m coming back, Chloe. It’ll just be for a few days.”

“I know,” I say, and I’m back to the bobblehead doll action. “How . . . ?”

“Airplane. Portals are quick. I want the solo time to think.”

I try practicality and hope it’ll help me stay calm. “Where will you stay?”

“A friend’s. Or even our old house. It’s empty.”

Our hands have begun to grow warm together. Every other part of my body is freezing and on the verge of numbness. But not that hand. Not in his. “Can I take you to the airport?”

He agrees, and I’m not sure if it’s because it’s what he wants or because he thinks it’s what I want or need.

Kellan is leaving. And it’s all because of me.

Jonah doesn’t come to school the next day.

Kellan and I have lunch together. It’s mostly a silent affair, with the two of us sitting on a bench outside, just sort of staring at random things.

I want to ask him where Jonah is, but that seems cruel. So I ask instead, “The Guard’s okay with you going? I mean, I go to San Francisco, and everyone freaks out.”

“They know I’m going.”
Does Jonah? He must, right?

“Will you have a babysitter in Maine? Or is it a sentry-free zone?”

He laughs. Just a little. “I’ll be fine on my own.”

There’s never been any tension between us before, but here it is, acting like a freshly diagnosed illness. Even still, the pull toward him is unmistakable, impossible to ignore. I figure he feels it too—even with the anger, betrayal, and hurt—because he still chooses to be with me when he really should’ve kicked me to the curb.

The sun is shining brightly in the chilly air when we get to the airport. Karl let me drive Kellan by myself, no arguments. I think he knew we needed this small slice of alone time together.

Not really being able to meet his eyes fully for any extended period of time, I ask, “Do you have any idea how long you’ll be gone?” A man dragging two suitcases behind him pushes past us, knocking me right into Kellan.

He freezes when we touch, as if he’s lost his breath. I quickly right myself and he pulls a hand through his hair, looking towards the airport doors. He ignores my question. “I should go and check in.”

My lip starts quivering, and I hate myself for it. “Okay.”

He sighs loudly, looking up toward the sky. “I’ll miss you.”

“Me, too,” I say, and it’s true.

Kellan pauses for moment, unsure. It’s such a rare sight that the guilt in me grows even bigger.

And there I am, standing in front of him, hating that he’s leaving, hating it’s because of me, loving him so much it hurts while at the same time knowing that the moment he’s gone, I’m going to go find Jonah.

Because it’s time.

I decided that last night. Good or bad, all the cards need to be laid out on the table. Jonah and Kellan had their talk. Kellan and I had ours. Now it was finally mine and Jonah’s turn.

I don’t tell Kellan this, though. What I do instead is open up my heart as I wrap my arms around him and let him know how much I care. I can’t say those words to him, not when things are so confusing and complicated. Not when I can’t promise that when he comes back, there’ll still be something between us to come back to.

We stand like that for a long time before he leans down, his lips barely brushing against mine, the tiny butterfly wings fluttering whisper soft against my heart. And then he grabs his bag and walks through the doors without looking back.

Knowing he’s leaving tears at my heart.

I wait until I’m back in my car to pull out my phone. If I don’t make the call now, I know I’ll never have the courage to do it.

Jonah doesn’t answer his cell. It immediately goes to voicemail, and it’s a good thing I’m already sitting, because his voice makes my knees go weak. I don’t leave a message, though. Everything I have to say needs to be done in person. I can’t take the easy way out.

So I call Karl next, cutting to the chase. “Where’s Jonah?”

“Off to make amends?”

Har-har. “Just tell me where he is, please.”

“Actually, I have no idea. Giules gave him the day off despite my protests.”

“What?” I snap. “Why does he get a free pass when I don’t?”

“What the hell do you think you’re getting right now?”

Giules yells out in the background that she doesn’t know where Jonah is, either. “You’re on your own,” Karl says, before ordering me to call within the next hour to check in.

I wrack my head, trying to figure out where Jonah would go. I decide to try the beach, thinking maybe he’s like his brother and goes there when he’s upset, too. I’m halfway there when I spot his car parked by the side of the road, near a hiking trail leading into the woods. My car skids to a stop in the middle of the street.

He’d come to a forest. Why hadn’t I immediately guessed that, considering the bulk of our dreams together happened in forests? And almost all of them by some sort of water, be it lake or river or stream. There are several streams in these woods.

I park next to his SUV. The hood is cold, meaning Jonah’s probably been here a while.

“Well, well,” someone says. “Look at what the cat finally drug around.”

Caleb’s sitting on top of Jonah’s SUV. His legs are straight out, his arms propping him up from behind.

I mutter, “Smartass.”

He laughs. “Do you want to know where he is?”

I squint at the trail in front of us. “You’ve seen Jonah?”

“Sure. He’s been here all day.”

Seriously? I mean, Karl said Giules had given Jonah free reign, but a whole day of no Guard seems implausible. “What’s he been doing?”

“It’s not like we’ve been hanging out,” Caleb says as he stands up. “But I’ll tell you he’s not as alone as he thinks.” He walks over to the edge of the car, waving me closer. “There’s a Guard out there—Faerie, to be exact—watching him right now. You think that big lug babysitting you would ever let you two be unguarded? Please. You’ve had one on your tail all afternoon. Look,” he says, pointing to my car. “He’s hiding behind your side mirror. Hey, buddy! How’s it going?”

He waves cheerfully, and the Faerie scowls in return.

Caleb leads me down the trail. The Guard follows at a respectable distance, but I still bark out an order for him to stay back, reminding him that just because he’s babysitting, it doesn’t give him any right to eavesdrop. “Tell that to the other Guard out there, too,” I tell him.

The Guard shrugs, but he pulls out his cell phone to make the call.

We hike about a mile before Caleb stops and hovers over the trail. He points toward a particularly large tree shading a stream. “He’s down there, hon.”

Sure enough, Jonah’s sitting under the tree, reading. He’s got his knees up to prop up his book, looking so much like Kellan does when reading that my heart squeezes hard. But he’s not Kellan. He’s Jonah. He’s the person I’ve known and loved my whole life.

I’ve been so stupid. Why had I tried to fool myself these last few months, thinking that I could ever do without him?

There he is. Within easy reach.

Before he leaves, Caleb tells me where he’s going to be, just in case I need him. I’m really hoping I don’t, but I’m starting to get panicky, because there’s a chance Jonah will reject me outright. There’s an excellent chance he’ll tell me to go to hell. Even worse, he might continue to pretend I don’t exist. No matter what, though, I know I’ve gotta go over there and give this my best try. I love him. I can’t live without him anymore. He needs to hear this even if he can easily live without me.