A Love Like This (32 page)

I shoved one pile at him. “You want
presents? Here ya go.” My eyes finally filled with frustrated
tears. I felt sorry for myself, sorry for the loss of the evening,
sorry that I couldn’t control this horrible jealousy or how angry I
was.

Ryan scooted off the couch to sit
Indian-style on the floor next to me and pointed to one of the two
gifts left under the tree. “I want that one.” He was trying to move
past the last hour and a half, but I was still defensive and
upset.

My chin quivered and two tears tumbled down
my face as it crumpled. “No, you don’t!”

“Yes, I do.” His fingers reached out to
graze my forearm in a peace offering.

I sniffed and sat up straighter, pushing the
tears off my face with both hands. “Really? Okay.” I reached for
the gift, childishly ripping off the wrapping and dumping the
contents of the Nike box in his lap.

“Another coincidence, right?” I sat back on
my heels and stared at him, tears blurring my vision. “Right? Only
these aren’t four hundred dollars, and they’ll fit.”

Ryan pushed the shoes to the floor, and his
fingers curled around my wrist, pulling me toward him. The lights
were still low, but the votive candles were mostly burned out and
all that was left was the soft glow from the tree. Despite my
anger, I couldn’t help notice the way the lights cast shadows on
the perfect planes of his face, emphasizing the strength in his jaw
and brow.

“They’re perfect. Honey, I said I’m sorry
she showed up.” He tugged on my arm again. I wanted to go to him,
my heart needed the comfort of his arms, but my brain was still
defiant and angry. “Please don’t let her ruin tonight.”

“You said you talked to her!” My eyes
flashed. “I’m sick of this, Ryan.”

“I did, but it’s Christmas, and she’s
alone.”

“Yeah! It’s OUR Christmas! Instead of
lecturing me on how she’s all alone, how ‘bout you understand how
invaded and cheated I feel!” I stood up and walked away then turned
back and looked down at him, still on the floor in front of the
tree and piles of gifts. “We should be making love right now, but
instead, I don’t think I can stand it if you touch me tonight.” I
overlapped both hands on my forehead and closed my eyes, swallowing
the lump in my throat and willing myself not to cry.

When I looked down, Ryan’s head bowed, and
he ran one hand through his hair. My heart squeezed; he was tired
and looked defeated when he finally looked up at me. “After
everything we’ve been through together, you don’t trust me?”

“This has nothing to do with trust.”

“It has Goddamn
everything
to do with
it!” He didn’t shout, but his voice was loaded with anger and he
quickly rose to his feet. His expression was pained and pissed. I
threw up my hands.

“As amazing as you can be, Ryan, I sometimes
forget that you’re just a man. Instead of trying to turn this
around on me, why don’t you see it for what it is? You let her ruin
this for us!”

“I haven’t done one damn thing to encourage
her, Julia!”

“Well, apparently you aren’t great at
discouraging her, either.”

“I don’t treat her any Goddamn different
than I do any of the people I work with!” Ryan was yelling now.

“Are you sure about that? I don’t see any of
them showing up unannounced.”

“This is bullshit, Julia! We could pick up
right where we left off if you weren’t so…” The muscle in Ryan’s
jaw was twitching and his fists were clenched.

“If I wasn’t what? Right?” I waited for him
to rail back at me, but he just glared at me, seething, his chest
visibly rising and falling. Well, it served him right!

“Truth or Dare, Ryan?”

He didn’t answer. “You said you wanted to
play, so I’ll start. I dare you to make it one damn day without
letting that woman come between us.” His eyes filled with something
closer to hatred than I’d ever seen. “Don’t want to do that? Okay.”
I taunted when he wouldn’t answer. “Truth. Do I have to run out in
the middle of the night and get myself raped or hurt to put me back
on an even playing field with that bitch?”

“Shut the fuck up! I won’t hear more of that
crap!” He rushed at me and grabbed both of my arms and shook me
roughly. His fingers dug into my flesh painfully. “Just stop
it!”

I went limp in his arms, staring blankly up
at him. He looked shocked that he’d touched me in anger and his
hold loosened. “You’re hurting me,” I said stoically. “Let go.”
When Ryan’s hands fell away, I turned my back on him. “I’m done
fighting about this,” I said weakly. “I gather that gift under the
tree is perfume?”

He nodded wearily and bent to retrieve it,
fingering the bow on the top without looking at me. I couldn’t see
his eyes, but his throat was working overtime.

“You told her what you were getting me for
Christmas?” I huffed, “I did too, and she totally fucked me.”

He seemed as defeated as I felt. “Jane
picked it up for me. I couldn’t seem to find the time, and she
offered. I was talking to her about you and I…”

My throat constricted painfully, and I
licked my lips, hurt that this woman was infiltrating us so deeply
that she was even buying my Christmas gifts in Ryan’s stead.

“Why don’t you give it to your girlfriend?”
I asked softly, leaving Ryan holding the gift before disappearing
down the hall and closing my bedroom door softly behind me. I
didn’t have the energy to slam it.

*****

The week between Christmas and New Years was
bearable, because between the gala and working on the mock-up for
the March issue, I was completely immersed in work. Meredith came
into town a few days early for meetings with my boss and the big
bosses upstairs.

She popped into my office on Tuesday,
unexpectedly asking me to lunch. I looked up from my piles of work
and welcomed the reprieve, though I still had to come up with
layouts for three feature articles. She looked amazing and chic, as
usual, in a black suit and vibrant orange blouse; finished off by
chunky costume jewelry that probably cost as much as the real
stuff. Her hair was cut in a modern short style.

I rose from the desk to hug her. I was
acutely aware of the bags under my eyes and the locks of hair that
had worked their way loose from my up-do. Messy buns were in, but
this was a case of not giving a shit after a sleepless night.

“Wow! What the hell happened to you?”
Meredith asked. “Is that sorry excuse for a publisher, John,
working you too hard? I’ll go back upstairs and beat his ass!”

I couldn’t help but smile as I hugged the
smaller woman. I was small, but she was waif-thin.

“I’m working hard, sure, but not because of
John. You look fantastic! I love your hair cut!”

Meredith patted the back of her head. “I
finally caved. When you get to a certain age, I guess you have to
chop it all off.”

I rolled my eyes. “You’re not of that age.
Give me a break!”

“Thank you, darling! There are so many
reasons I love you. Get your coat. I’m taking you to lunch at
Butter.”

“Meredith, that’s so far from the office,” I
protested. “I have too much to do.”

“Nonsense. I have a car waiting. Come on.”
She waved me toward the door, and less than half an hour later, we
were being seated in the posh restaurant.

“I make it a point to come here every time
I’m in New York.”

We both ordered iced tea, and as I was
glancing at the menu trying to determine what I could order that
would allow me to take half home to Ryan, Meredith cleared her
throat.

She set her menu aside. “Are you going to
tell me what’s up?”

I met her eyes, lifting my brows, and
shaking my head. “Nothing. The event will go off without a hitch.
We’ve got it all organized. Andrea will have the final head count
to the caterer tomorrow.”

Meredith sighed and rolled her eyes.
“Julia,” she said, exasperated, “I’ve worked with you for years. I
know a little thing like a Lincoln Center party wouldn’t give you
sleepless nights.”

I flushed guiltily but shook my head and
lifted my shoulders in a way that said ‘I don’t know what you’re
talking about.’ “I’m fine.”

“Fine?” she said, disbelieving. “That’s a
four letter word, if I ever heard one.”

“Yes.” Things between Ryan and I were the
worst they’d ever been, and I didn’t want to get into it. I was
almost thankful he had to work Christmas Day because it allowed me
to call my mom and cry my eyes out. Ryan slept on the couch for
three nights without a word of discussion, and I hadn’t seen much
of him. I missed him, but I wasn’t sure how to heal the wound.

The waiter came and I ordered the rack of
lamb and Meredith—the seared shrimp.

As soon as we were alone again, Meredith
leaned back in her chair and eyed me skeptically. “I know that is
all bullshit, Julia. But, if you insist you’re fine, then it’s the
perfect time for me to tell you that I still want you to go to
Paris. I still need you over there. I’m not happy with the team we
have in place. I know you could do so much better, and God knows,
we need higher circulation numbers.”

I carefully set down my glass of iced tea
and contemplated what to say. “Are you asking me to go help out on
an issue or two or what?”

She looked at me like I was crazy. “No. I’m
asking you to go over there and take over.”

“Meredith… maybe if it were for a month or
so, but not for longer.”

She signed deeply. “Why?”

“Because, Ryan and I are trying to have a
baby.”

“Oh, Jesus! Then now is the time to go. You
won’t once you’re pregnant, Julia.”

“I know, I just… I don’t know…” I stammered.
“We’re having problems, and now isn’t a good time to leave.”

“For God’s sake, Julia! Why are you trying
to start a family when you’re not getting along with Ryan? A kid
isn’t going to fix it.”

My fingers wadded up the napkin in my lap.
“I don’t know. When we decided to have a baby, we weren’t having
problems. Besides that, my best friend is going through a lot, and
she needs me, too.”

“This is your job and your future.”

“Ryan is my future.”

“I never will understand you. I’m handing
you what you said you wanted since the day I hired you.”

I knew I’d have to tell her everything. “It
is. And I appreciate it, I really do. But…”

By the time we were through lunch and the
waiter was boxing up the majority of my entrée, Meredith knew the
entire story of Jane, from the gang incident all the way through
Christmas Eve. Somehow, I manage to keep my voice fairly even and
the tears at bay.

“Men can be blind, but given Ryan’s looks,
you’d think his eyes would be open.” She threw her napkin on the
table. “Maybe he’s a little too secure, Julia. Maybe you leaving
for Paris is what he needs; a wake-up call of sorts. And you could
use the time to get your head on straight. If you’re not going to
tell that bitch off, I might do it for you.”

“We’ll see how it goes.”

“I can’t wait forever. If the current team
doesn’t turn things around, I’ll have to get someone else in there.
If that someone isn’t going to be you, it will be someone. This
opportunity has a shelf-life, just so you know, Julia.”

“Okay, that’s fair.”

“It would be terrible if you lost this
chance and yet you and Ryan still didn’t make it.”

My stomach lurched. She was right. Despite
my declaration that my future was with Ryan, this was the first
time ever that separation seemed like a real possibility. The
thought dug away at my insides and I thought I might get physically
ill. I couldn’t take much more of the current situation. I wasn’t
sleeping or eating well, when I was eating at all. Work was the
only thing that helped at all. Something had to give.

My wife and I were barely speaking, and it
was driving me insane. Christmas Eve was the worst night of my
life, left frozen next to the tree, anger and resentment nailing me
to the floor. I just couldn’t beg forgiveness when I didn’t do
anything wrong. As the week progressed, I felt listless and empty;
completely miserable. I was still pissed, but I wasn’t sure at whom
or what exactly; there were so many choices. I wanted to fucking
kill something. I was snappy at work, practically snarling at Jane
when I returned the shoes.

“
I can’t accept these, Jane. Thank you
for the gesture.”

“
But, Ryan,” she began, but I cut her off
abruptly and was oblivious to the pain on her face.

“
I said I can’t take them, Jane.”

“
I want you to have them…”

“
I don’t want them! You’re not my wife!”
I shouted angrily, surprised at my own outburst.

I left Jane standing in the middle of the ER
amid all the rest of the staff looking on in shock. Later, I felt
bad about it, but I was suffocating when I was around her, like she
was sucking the life right out of me. If I was honest with myself,
I’d admit that she was. If I lost Julia over this, I might as well
have died at the hands of those thugs. I wanted to call my dad, but
my mood was so waspish, I’d probably come off pissy, and I didn’t
really feel like regurgitating the entire fucking mess, nor did I
need to dump my problems in his lap. He’d probably just tell me to
man up and deal, and I’d be even more pissed. Caleb tried to ask me
about it, but he shut up when I told him I didn’t want to discuss
my personal life at the hospital.