A Little Lost (7 page)

              “Daddy!” I scream and run into the house.

              So many things flash through my mind, things I should have said to him, things I wish I could take back.

              “You can’t go in there ma’am” A man stood outside my dads room says blocking my way.

              “What do you mean I can’t go in there, move out of my way he’s my father!” I try pushing past him but he blocks me once more.

              “I’m sorry ma’am but I can’t let you in” he says again.

              “I swear to god if you don’t move out of my way …”

              “What’s going on?” I hear Kyle ask from behind me, I didn’t realize he followed me all the way.

              “They won let me in!” I shout at the man keeping me from my only living family.

              “Mr. Banks pushed his emergency button an hour ago. When we got here he wasn’t breathing, we are doing all we can” he explains to Kyle looking over my head.

              “No … no, this isn’t happening, he can’t go yet” I cry trying to push past into the room again. “Daddy!” I sob loudly trying to let him know that I’m here.

              “Sir” the man says over me again I watch Kyle nod at him and wrap his arm around me steering me away.

              “What are you doing? That’s my dad in there!” I protest through my tears.

              “I know honey but you have to let them do their job” he says pulling me downstairs with him.

              “He can’t go yet, they said he had longer” I struggle to calm my breathing down and I don’t think he can even understand what I’m saying but he just nods and me and sets me down on the love seat by the fire. “I have so much to say to him, I haven’t told him I love him today”

              “Breathe babe, deep breaths” he keeps repeating this to me and I know I need to listen to him but I can’t.

              I shake my head at him because it feels like I’m choking and can’t get any air into my lungs.

              “Come on, breathe for me, breathe for
him
” he rubs my back and I fight the black spots in front of my eyes. “Come on that’s it” I squeeze my eyes shut and concentrate on getting air in and out of my lungs. “You’re doing great” he encourages, breathing deeply with me.

              “I can’t loose him yet, I’m not ready” I look to him as if he has the answer but searching his eyes I can’t find the one I need.

              Someone clears their throat in the doorway and we both turn to the nurse that is stood there. “He’s awake but he isn’t breathing on his own. I’m sorry but it’s time to say goodbye, he doesn’t have much time left” She offers me a sympathetic smile.

              “Thank you, can we go up now?” Kyle asks her, when she nods he helps me up. My steps falter on the doorway to my dad’s room but he gently pushes me forward with his hand on the bottom of my back “You can do this” he whispers walking into the room with me. 

              I walk to the bed and my heart breaks with each step I take, he looks nothing like the man he used to be. Gone is his cheeky smile and stubborn set eyes, now he looks tired and defeated. The quiet sobs that come from me can’t be stopped. “Daddy” I whisper picking up his hand and squeezing it lightly in my two.

              “Lou is that you baby girl?” he whispers but it comes out croaked.

              “I’m here, I love you” I sniff, he starts going blurry so I wipe my eyes quickly only letting go of him with one hand.

              “I love you too” he whispers back turning his head to me.

              “I want to you to stay with me. Please don’t leave me” My voice cracks and I have to take a deep breath to get it under control “What am I going to do without you daddy, I don’t want to be alone” Can’t he see I’m not strong enough for this? Why is this happening to me again? “I need you” I squeeze him tighter but loosen my hold when he winces slightly.

              “You’re not alone Loulou. You say you’re not my baby girl anymore; you don’t need me as much as I think you do. You have someone else that loves you now”

              “I don’t want him, I want you” I cry unreasonably but I don’t care. “Please dad, get better, you can fight this, I’ll help you. We can beat it together”

              “Baby, it’s too late” he moves his head slightly and when I see the tear roll down his cheek I know it’s to try and hide that he’s crying.

              “It’s never too late” I look around the room but there is no one else here but Kyle “I need you, I need you there to give me away when I get married, I need you there to meet my babies, daddy I
need
you”

              “You’re breaking my heart honey” he whispers when I wipe his tears away.

              “I’m sorry but without you I’m lost”

              “You’ll find your way” he takes a deep breath and I notice he’s fighting to keep his eyes open “if you follow that big heart of yours, you’ll find your way”

              “I thought you said I didn’t have a heart” I whisper to him keeping an eye on the machine next to his bed.

              “I think you’re getting it back” he attempts to smile at me but it comes out wonky, I squeeze his hand trying to keep him with me “he loves you” he whispers to me.

              “I don’t care” I shake my head at him.

              “You do” he pushes his eyes open fully again and turns his head slightly “Son, I want that spark back in her eyes”

              “You can count on it, sir” Kyle says quietly nodding at him.

              “I want you to remember and never forget that your mother and I loved you more than life itself and I’m so proud of you. Always remember that”

              “I love you more” the panic in my voice is clear when he closes his eyes and smiles to himself, the machine next to him start slowing and a nurse comes rushing in.

              “Impossible” he whispers and then the machine flat lines.

              I don’t know what happens after that, I think I scream but I can’t be sure. I’m moved out of the way and there’s a lot of movement in the room, people are shouting things to each other and machines are being pulled around and plugged in, they’re touching my dad and talking quickly. I watch from the corner of the room as a nurse pulls the covers up over my fathers face. My world just blew up in flames. There’s nothing left. No light, no heat, no signs of life just the cold and complete darkness.

              I’m not even crying anymore, I’m shaking and breathing but nothing else. I lower myself to the floor and curl my feet up under me leaning against the wall, still looking at the outline of my dad in his bed. From here it’s just as if he’s sleeping. The nurse says something to Kyle and then leaves the room, when she returns a couple of men are with her and they have a stretcher. I watch as they move him off his bed, on to the stretcher and carry him away. Everyone leaves the room so I stand and get into the bed curling on my side. For the first time in my life, I have nothing, no one and this is how it’s going to be from now on. Sure I have friends and I have Chris but nothing’s forever, not like family. My phone vibrates but I ignore it. A few minutes later the house phone rings, I ignore that too. I can hear voices in the house but I don’t listen to what they are saying, I can’t its like every word is just blurred into one.

              “Ummm … I think she’s asleep” I hear Kyle’s voice when he walks into the room but I make no attempt to move.

              “I’m awake” I tell him with my back to him.

              He put the phone in front of my face and I lift it to my ear.

              “Hello”

              “Lou, what’s going on over there and why is Kyle there with you?” Chris shouts at me through the phone.

              “My world just ended” I say flatly and hang up on him before I take the batteries out of it.

              “I’m sorry, I only answered it because I thought it was going to be the hospital or something” he says behind me.

              “Doesn’t matter … nothing matters, not anymore”

              “Lou, your dad wouldn’t want this” he sighs, still standing somewhere in the room.

              I close my eyes and breathe in the scent of my dad “Don’t you understand Kyle? You don’t always get what you want” I tell him thinking of all the things missing from my life.

              “No but I’m starting to” I hear him say softly as he leaves the room.

              The doorbell rings and I hold back a sigh wondering if I can just pretend to be asleep. I really don’t any visitors and it’s probably going to be Chris because he’s the only person I have spoken to. My phone vibrates underneath me and I answer it knowing that whoever it is will just keep ringing until I do.

              “What” I ask not worried about being polite.

              “Do you want me to come over?” Chris asks me; my thoughts drift to who it could have been at the door.

              “No I’m just going to sleep here. There’s nothing that you can do now”

              “Louise, don’t shut yourself off again” I know he’s referring to last year when my mum died but I make a noncommittal noise “Why are you doing this?”

              “I’m not doing anything”

              “You’re holding back, you won’t let me in” he insists.

              “I have nothing to give you” I tell him but I sound bored even to my own ears.

              “You gave me your heart, let me look after it”

              “Sorry, I don’t have a heart” I hang up on him and turn the phone off sure that he wont attempt to come over now.

              “Well that was the biggest lie I’ve ever heard” the voice comes from the doorway and it all makes sense now.

              “I’m going to be fine, I’m glad Kyle called you, I’m not alone and I have a million reasons to live” I say sitting up “There now you’ve heard a lot of lies”

              “And don’t believe a single one”

              “What do you want Mason? You shouldn’t be here, no one should”

              I walk passed him out of the room knowing that he will be harder to get rid of than Chris.

              “You bet your ass I should be here” he says following me down the stairs and into the kitchen. I flick the kettle on but he turns it off and gets a bottle down from the shelf over the fridge.

              “Tell me what you want” he says filling four glasses, I frown at the fourth but don’t give it any more thought as I think about his question.

              “I want to know why” I admit.

              “Why what?” he asks handing me a glass and sitting opposite me.

              “Why me? What did I do to deserve to be punished so cruelly?” I drain my drink in one and he refills it.

              “The tragedies in your life aren’t a reflection on you” he shakes his head at me “What else?”

              “I want everything that I can’t have” I sigh draining my drink again which he fills up once more with his own.

              “You can have whatever you want”

              “Okay so tell me, how do I go back in time and answer my phone when my father called me before he pushed his emergency button? The one night I don’t stay with him, he phoned me, he needed me and I didn’t answer my damn my phone” I shake my head “I let him down, I should have been here with him”

              “And then what? You couldn’t have changed anything”

              “Maybe not but I could have tried, maybe if I was here the nurses would have got here sooner and … it could have been different” I whisper the last part and he squeezes my hand.

              “You aren’t going to achieve anything by beating yourself up about it”

              “Umm Chris is here” Kyle says for the doorway.

              “Do you want us to go?” Mason asks me looking back at Kyle.

              “No, please stay. I can’t … he … I don’t …” I don’t know what I’m trying to say but I think he understands because he squeezes my hand again.

              “I know” he smiles at me “let him in Kyle”

              “Who’s the fourth glass for?” I ask nodding at where they sit on the counter to distract us from the angry words being exchanged outside the room.

              “Amber noticed Kyle wasn’t in bed and followed me over here” he sighs and runs his hand through his hair.

              “Oh” is all I can think to reply.

              “Yeah, I’m willing to bet yours isn’t the only life that’s a mess right now”

              I don’t have time to reply to that because Chris comes into the kitchen, looking angry followed by Kyle who looks upset.

              “I thought I told you not to come” Is all I can think to say to him and regret it when Mason winces.

              “I thought I told you not to do this” he replies and I regret regretting what I just said.

              “What do you want from me?”