A Little Lost (6 page)

              “It’s fine, she’s being a bitch and I get to be a bitch back to her. To be honest it’s nice to be able to take it out on someone else” I smirk at her and she giggles.

              “Well she can’t stop you from talking to me” she says defiantly making me laugh because it looks so strange on her.

              “I appreciate it but it isn’t worth the trouble it will get you into” I say before I walk back to the bar.

              “Hey, who stole my drink?” I ask when I only count three not four cocktails.

              “They were all for you?” Cat asks.

              “Well yeah, they all sounded so good I couldn’t decide which one I wanted” I explain in my reserved for talking to small children voice. Kyle grins and shakes his head at me which I ignore.

              Amber comes over to joins us and sends me an encouraging smile; I’m not sure why so I just smile back. I start arguing with Cat over which is the best cocktail and soon everyone is joining in all tasting my selection of drinks. Our raised voices start to attract attention and Anne walks over to us looking worried and angry.

              “Jeeze is it me or did it just get cold in here?” I ask no one in particular.

              “Children, is something wrong?” She asks looking pointedly at me.

              “No mom, we were just messing around” Kyle tells her.

              “Most of you should know better than to
mess around
at a formal party” she says and I know that it’s implied that I’m the one would not know this.

              “If you would all excuse me I’m sure there is someone here that I can mess around with on the dance floor” I say putting my drink on the bar.

              “Are you sure that you’re sober enough to remember his name?” she asks eyeing my drinks with disgust.

              “Mom!” Kyle exclaims.

              “How could I forget? It’s the one I’ll be screaming in bed later” I tell her and walk away from them all.

              “Want to run away with me?” I ask Chris wrapping my arms around him from behind.

              “Any day baby” he smiles and turns to return the embrace. “What’s wrong?” he asks when I sigh for the third time.

              “How do you know that love me?” I ask looking up at him.

              “Because before I met you my life was empty. Then I met you and I felt like I truly had everything. These last few weeks where I have gone days without seeing you, I missed you. But not just as in I missed seeing you or hearing you laugh. It wasn’t even the sex I missed. It was just your presence in my life; I missed that part of you that makes me feel complete. My life isn’t the same without you. That’s how I know I love you.”

              “You really mean that?” I whisper overcome with emotion, I can feel my eyes filling up and a tear escapes.

              He lifts his hand and wipes the tear away, “Baby, come home and spend the night with me so I can feel whole again.”

              “God I love you” I smile up at him.

              As promised he takes me home and we feel whole again together.

              ***

              My phone ringing wakes me up and I jump out of bed to answer it, hoping that everything is okay with my father.

              “Hello?” I whisper into frantically pulling on my clothes.

              “Lou?” is whispered back but it isn’t my father and by now I am already walking down the stairs while pulling on one of my shoes.

              “Who is this?” I ask moving the phone to my other so I can pull my other shoe on.

              “Umm it’s Kyle” he says still whispering.

              “Why are you ringing so late?” I stop my journey and sit down on the stairs “and how did you get my number?”

              “I wanted to talk to you and you’ve been avoiding me. I’m outside, will you come out please? Or let me in?”

              I frown at my phone and walk to the windows looking through the curtains but I don’t see him.

              “Where are you? I can’t see you” I open the front door to make sure but he isn’t here.

              “I’m stood right by the front door”

              “You’re at my dads aren’t you?” I ask remembering that I’ve been staying there lately.

              “You’re not?” he asks me sounding confused.

              “No, I’m at my house”

              “Oh” is all he says, for a few minutes none of us say anything just hold the phones to our ears, only our breathing can be heard. “Do you still live in the same house?” he finally asks breaking the silence.

              “Umm no … I live two streets down from your parents” I sigh remembering the house we shared before he left me.

              “How’s your dad?” he asks and I can tell he’s on the move again.

              “He’s getting worse, they don’t think he will have much longer” I sigh walking away from own house.

              “That’ not what I meant”

              “He’s the same, grumpy and stubborn. He’s not talking to me anymore”

              “Why not?”

              “Because he wants me to act like everything is normal and I can’t”

              “How are you holding up?” he asks on a sigh.

              “Truthfully?” I ask stalling for time.

              “Would I ever accept any less?” he asks pretending to be offended.

              “I guess not” I smile at his old answer every time I asked that “I’m struggling. I don’t know what it’s going to do to me when I loose him. He’s all I’ve got left, he was my rock through everything. He’s the one that shows me how to look on the bright side when something goes wrong in my life. I don’t think I’ll be okay on my own” I admit the things that have been worrying me lately “I’m scared”

              “You’re going to be fine, you’ll miss him, of course you will but you’re strong enough to get through this and find your way out of it”

              “I wish I could believe it” I slip my shoes off when I reach the beach and start making my way down towards the ocean.

              “You need to make him happy while you still can” he says encouragingly.

              “I just wish I knew how” I shake my head at myself wondering when I became so lost.

              “You know what he said to me that night I went to see him?”

              “No” I lower myself down onto the sand and pull my legs up so I can rest my chin on my knees while the soft waves wash over my toes.

              “He told me he wants his daughter back, the one that can walk into a dark room and light it up by just smiling. The one who could find the right side of any situation. The one that isn’t afraid to stand up to what she believes in. The one that can turn a million heads when she laughs. She was kind, funny, smart and everyone wanted to talk to her because with just a few minutes in her company you would feel a million times better than you did before you spoke to her. You’re not that woman anymore Lou”

              “I never was that woman, he doesn’t know what he’s talking about” I huff blowing my hair out of eyes.

              “You were and I know what he’s talking about, want to know how I know all that is true and that you were that woman?” he asks.

              “How?” I whisper looking out at the stars and moonlight reflected in the black water in front of me.

              “Because that’s the woman I fell in love with all those years ago and he told me I took her with me” I spin around because his voice is now behind me.

              “How did you know I was here?” I ask.

              “This is where we used to go when we would sneak out of our parents houses, remember?” he smiles sitting down next to me.

              I turn my head away from him not wanting to go for a trip down memory lane and watch the waves in front of me.

              “You’re still that person Lou”

              “I never was. I’m not strong or brave. I can’t be held to expectations that I have no way of meeting” I turn my head on my knees so I’m looking at him now.

              “No?” he asks turning his whole body to face me “Then what about the woman who always told me that you haven’t lost if you can take your last breath knowing you have everything you ever needed? Or who taught me that we only have one shot at life and it should be spent laughing and loving? Who told me that we should surround our lives with the things that make us happiest because god uses our lives as a template for our heaven when we die? The one who told me she would rather hide her own feelings so she could be the shoulder to cry on for the ones who need the support more? What happened to her?” He finishes looking determined.

              “She died when she realized it was a bullshit and life’s a bitch” I shrug

              “She also made me buy a window sticker once it said ‘Of course life a bitch, if it was a slut it would be easy’” he nudges my shoulder with his own.

              “I think I prefer sluts over bitches now” I grin at him.

              “Ahh see there she is” he teases. “My point is, that you’re giving up. So much shit has been thrown your way that you’ve stopped trying to block it and I want to know why”

              “Have you ever felt like if one more person speaks to you that you could be sick? I’m talking physically throw up everything in your stomach sick. Some days I just don’t want to have to talk to or listen to anyone. I’m tired of pretending everything is fine. Why should I bother to put on a show when the people who matter the most aren’t watching anymore?”

              “Just because you can’t see them, doesn’t mean that they don’t see you” he says turning away to look out at the water.

              I lie back in the sand and close my eyes breathing in the sea air “You know, I don’t think I care anymore, so someone sees me having a bad day it’s not the end of the world if I don’t smile at someone or laugh at a crappy joke. I’m changing my outlook on life. My new rule to live by is going to be ‘if its shit, flush it’ yeah, I like that” I nod into the sand and crack one of my eyes open when I hear him laughing.

              “If it’s shit, flush it. Really, that’s the best you can do?” he asks looking down at me grinning.

              “Yeah it’s good. You’re advice? Its shit, flush it. That joke you just told? Its shit, flush it. How’s you day going? Oh its shit? Flush it. See it works” I shrug laughing with him.

              “Okay so if someone comes to your office with a large bill that can’t pay what will you do?” he asks stretching his legs out in front of him and leaning back on his hands.

              “I would take the bill their complaining about, ask to see all their outgoings for the month, look through them and oh look at that they spent two hundred on a new hair cut and colour. I’d take the statement for it and rip it up saying ‘it’s shit, flush it’”

              “Someone bumps into you and spills coffee all over your cream coat?”

              “I’d smile at them and say ‘it’s shit, flush it’ I didn’t like that coat anyway”

              “You walk into your dad’s room tomorrow and he tells you to get out, he doesn’t want to speak to you?”

              “What you just said to me? Its shit, flush it” I shrug at him “It works in all situations. I am the master of the universe”

              “Well master of the universe your phone is ringing” he points out and I look down to see that it is indeed flashing and vibrating.

              “Hello?”

              “Where are you?” Chris’s voice comes through the phone.

              “I went for a walk, I needed some fresh air” I lie looking back at Kyle who is avoiding looking at me.

              “You’re dads been on the phone he tried calling you”

              “Oh, it’s on silent, is everything okay?” I ask frowning.

              “I’m not sure he said he needed you and it sounded urgent” he says sounding worried himself.

              “Shit, I’m not far from there. Thanks” I rush out and jump up room the sand.

              “Is everything okay?” Kyle asks standing with me and following when I start jogging up the beach.

              “I don’t know, it’s my dad” I call back speeding up to a run now.

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