A Little Lost (11 page)

              “Couldn’t have been easy for you”

              “It’s like breaking up all over again” I admit dishing out breakfast for us.

              “So how are the happy couple anyway?” she asks taking her plate and stepping over another box to sit at the table.

              “They fell out when she found out I was with Kyle when I got the news about my dad but I told her I phoned him and asked him to come over. Then they fell out again a week later when I did this” I hold up my hands that still have the cuts on them but they are starting to heal over a little now “Anyway when that I happened I called Mason and he brought him and her over she left, he stayed the night, she wasn’t happy with him yesterday but the last I heard when I dropped Mason home last night they had made up and were in bed” I explain around eating my big breakfast to make up for all the meals I missed out on.

              “Why did you do it, pack all this lot up I mean, why now?” she asks digging in to her own food, by this rate we’re both going to be having seconds.

              I shrug and look at the boxes again “I realized that I never really tried to stop loving him. I need to get over him and move on”

              “Does he know?” she asks the question but I can tell by the look on her face she already knows the answer.

              “No, Mason wanted to tell him and send him over for them this morning but I don’t want to be here when he does”

              “It’s a bit strange, he can hardly take twenty boxes home with him and just be like ‘oh hey honey, all this stuff? It’s from my ex-girlfriend, it’s all our pictures and love notes that she doesn’t want anymore, don’t mind if I keep them under the bed for safe keeping do you?’” she raises an eyebrow at me but I just roll my eyes.

              “Honestly only two of the boxes with clothes from the house in are for him. The rest I was just going to throw away” 

              “How do you think he will react?” she asks when I take her empty plate with mine and pile more food onto them.

              “I’m not sure. It’s strange we haven’t really spoken about us at all. It’s like we are both pretending we never happened so I think he will be a bit freaked out that I never just got rid of everything two years ago”

              “How can you pretend you were never together? You we’re with each other for five years, that’s a fifth of both your lives. You were crazy about each other” She screeches taking me by surprised but then picks up her fork and bites into a sausage “I think he’s going to be angry”

              I can’t help but laugh at her she switches from dramatic to thoughtful in two seconds flat as if it’s normal.

              “There is nothing to be angry about. He’s moved on, now I want to” I tell her seriously.

              “Do you think you can both be happy with other people and see each other near enough everyday?” She stands and refills our coffee.

              “I’m thinking about moving” I admit waiting for her reaction because she is the first and only other person I have mentioned this too.

              “Where?” she asks not making a big deal about it.

              “I don’t know yet I mean I have to the funeral to get through first then there’s this house. Apparently everything is left to me so I will have to sell this and then that brings me to the favor I was going ask you to help me with today”

              “What?”

              “I need to get all my things from Chris’s” I bite my lip because just thinking about it I know it’s going to be uncomfortable.

              “Why? What’s happened with you both? You haven’t split up?” she asks looking surprised. I thought news of that would have been out by now.

              “He pretty much finished it the day after my dad died”

              “Why?”

              “Because I told him I called Kyle for help and he said I should have called him. I didn’t want to argue with him so I just let him finish it” I shrug remembering that just one thing was all it took for him to throw away fifteen months with me.

              “Okay so bringing your stuff from his here, funeral, sell parents house, somewhere along the lines breaking up with Kyle again and then your just going to move away?” she checks it all off on her fingers.

              I roll my eyes at her “I’m not breaking up with Kyle again in fact I never broke up with him in the first place, he walked away from me. But everything else is pretty much spot on” I nod.

              “It’ll never happen but I’ll help you anyway” she shrugs her shoulders at me.

              “Can we leave now?” I ask her finishing my food.

              “Why, afraid Kyle might come over and find his boxes?” she asks smirking.

              I wince “Or Amber”

              “We could burn it all, you know like in the middle of the beach and wear long skirts and sing witchcraft chants and stuff dancing around the fire of lost luurve”

              “Seriously?” I ask grinning; she has the most random ideas.

              “I’ve always wanted to do it” she says grinning back at me.

              “Get me drunk enough and you got yourself a date” I wink at her grabbing my jacket and keys.

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BOOK TITLE

              Anne has been a complete godsend and basically took over funeral arrangements; all I have to do is show up.

              And that’s what I’m having trouble with. First I threw a hissy fit that a five your old would have been impressed with because I didn’t know what to wear. Now I’m glued to the floor and can’t leave the house.

              Not literally but I might as well be. I don’t want to go. Is that bad?

              I don’t want to go because this is saying goodbye. This is final.

              I’ve already gone through a whole box of tissues and I that was before I got dressed. Cat has had to redo my make up twice.

              “Lou, come on or you’re going to be late” She’s shouting at me now. That’s what this had progressed to, me being shouted at.

              “Go on without me and I’ll be there in a minute, I just forgot something” I sniff making a show of looking through my purse.

              “If you don’t get in this car right now I am going to call someone to carry you into it!” she screams at me.

              I don’t know why I have her as best friend. She doesn’t help me out at all. I slam the front door shut and stomp over to the car. “After today, I am no longer talking to you. I want my best friend card back” I snap at her through my tears and climb into the funeral car behind her.

              “Whatever sweetie” she replies smiling at me and rolling her eyes.

              The church is full; everyone turns their heads to look at me when I walk in. Now I understand why Cat wanted to get here early. I lower my head and move my eyes to the floor so I don’t have to witness the sympathy in their eyes. I sit in the front row next to Anne but Mason moves from her other side to sit next to me.

              “One of the hardest parts is turning up, you’re halfway there” he whispers passing me a tissue which I gratefully accept.

              I silently weep through the service and manage not to look up from my lap until Mason nudges me letting me know that it’s time for my speech. I don’t want to do this part either. I’m freezing and shivering so my teeth are chattering when I turn to him. “I can’t stand up in front of all these people, what do they expect me say?” I whisper.

              “Just speak from your heart honey” he whispers back wiping my cheeks with his thumbs and places a paternal kiss on my head.

              “I don’t have a heart” I whisper but stand up and walk to the front.

              I’m taken off guard by all the faces in front of me. Everyone who knew my father is here, which is pretty much the whole town. A few faces I’m not familiar with but most I remember because they were always around our house at barbeques and parties. A few people who worked for him are here too. All these people knew him, all these people have lost him and they want me to say something. Do they expect me to make them feel better? I look around at the people who are here to support me.

              Cat, Tom and Travis are here even though they didn’t really know him. They are here for me. It’s deathly silent here which is kind of ironic because my dead father is led next to me in a coffin. I turn to look at it and stroke the polished wood. A loud sob breaks out from me, I know he lost weight in the last few months but he was never this small surely.

              Lowered conversation at the front draws my attention and I watch Anne, Mason and Kyle talking to each other. I notice that Amber isn’t here. I suppose she has no reason to be, she never knew him. Never even met him and she would have no reason to be here for me. She doesn’t know me either. They catch me watching them and Mason smiles encouragingly at me, I cock my head at him not quite sure what he’s trying to tell me but the man behind me clears his throat. I turn my attention back to the front and look at the doors at the back as I speak.

              “I want to thank you all for coming. I know that each and everyone of you knew and loved my father and are just as sorry that he’s gone that I am.

              He had a big heart my dad, a stubborn one but a big one none the less. He loved with everything he had and never did something by half measures. He was a big family man and even though there were only three of us as a family through blood, he thought of a lot of you as family too.

              He loved my mom and I know she was a very happy woman because of him. They spent their marriage laughing and loving, sure they had their arguments but they would always work through them. They always did everything together and spent a lot of time talking to me about love.

              He always called me his baby girl, even at the end he used to ask me where his baby girl went, what happened to her? I’d tell him that she grew up, that I’m not his baby girl anymore. He would take that as me telling him that I’ve changed, that I’m not the same person that he taught me to be. I guess in a way he was right because I’m not the naive little girl who believes in fairytales and happily ever afters anymore. How can I? Both my parents have been taken away from me far too soon, leaving me in this big bad world all by myself.

              But you see the thing is, even though I may not be that person he would ask for, I am still me and I am still the person he taught me to be, just now I do things differently. I’m not going to fool myself and think that I’ll always be happy, that nothing will ever happen to me that will make me feel broken and lost. No. he taught me how to be brave and strong. He taught me how to fight through the hard times and that no matter how hard things may seem and how dark your world gets, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel.

              I also know that I can’t be happy alone. My dad taught me to love with everything I have and I saw how it’s done, everyday when my parents were together. So if I can find a man that is half as strong, kind, brave, stubborn and loving as my dad was, I know I’ll be the happiest woman in the world. And on that day I’ll be his baby girl again.

              Please join me in a moments silence, in memory of my dad and think about that that one person that you makes you shine, hold on to them and love them with the fierceness that my dad loved his life and all of us who were lucky enough to be a part of it.”

              While everyone bows their head in the moments silence I requested I return to my seat, with a feeling of calmness settled over me.

              If I thought the hardest part was turning up to the funeral, nothing prepared me for watching them lower the coffin into the ground. I’ve tried distracting myself but it hasn’t worked.

              The first thing I noticed was how my father is being buried next to my mom, then I noticed how small my fathers coffin actually is. My dad was a powerful man, he was big and strong but to look at the coffin you would think he was small and frail, but at the end, I guess he was.

              Cat has been keeping a close eye on me and wouldn’t let me stay behind after the service. I guess she was afraid I’d never leave. If it was up to me, I doubt I ever would.

              ***

              Over the next few weeks I start packing my house up. I drink a lot too, that helps. I don’t see much of Kyle and I avoid him and Amber, I avoid most couples and families.

              Cat helps me pack everything up and make all my plans. I’ve decided to sell the house and was surprised at how quickly it sold.

              Travis spends a lot of time with me, not at the house because then he would know. I don’t want anyone to know until they absolutely have to.

              I haven’t seen Chris since the night my father died. I’m not sure if I’m avoiding him or he’s avoiding me.

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