A Little Bit of Us (7 page)

     “Yep,” I replied with a fake grin and held out my left hand. Kudos to the man, he picked a good ring,
it is a gorgeous platinum band with intricate carvings leading to the huge square stone in the middle. Perfect and elaborate, exactly how I liked and still like things. My fake grin soon turned real, “This is beautiful. Truly, it’s perfect.”

     Christ I even remember straight after this I got a text from Paul asking me to come over. It was the first text in ages as we normally
just had sex if we ever bumped into each other. He was a good lay though. Wow that sounds vulgar, I apologize. He was good in bed.

     The worst part of this is when James took me home I could tell he was expecting me to invite him up by the way he was shifting and the fact he walked me to the door, I was living with my father as I figured he would’ve needed constant care soon enough.

     When I stopped at the door to say goodnight he instantly leaned in and gave me the sweetest kiss I’ve ever received, he kissed me with a barely there tongue and a light brushing of lips. It made me burn in ways I’d never felt. So why you ask, why didn’t I sleep with him? This is because during the dinner, after accepting the engagement ring we decided to spend the next year until our wedding, free to do as we please, discretely of course. Worst conversation ever. I think I really broke his heart that moment when I said I wasn’t ready to settle quite yet, it was his idea though, he proposed the whole freedom until our wedding thing but I think he was secretly hoping I’d say let’s start now.

     “I should go,” I said and pointed to the door with my thumb. He nodded looking slightly baffled and a little hurt. “Thank you for this,” I flashed my ring. “And for the wonderful evening.”

     Then I vanished inside before he could stop me and fifteen minutes later Paul showed up. I grabbed him instantly and pulled him to me, desperate to get the taste of the man who I was going to spend an eternity with off my lips. Paul as usual returned my kiss with as much fervor if not more than myself. After a minute or two we stopped and stared at each other breathing heav
ily, then that familiar smile stretched across his face. He didn’t hold my hand on the way to the car, I didn’t like that, and he didn’t touch me at all outside of sex unless I instigated it.

    
We couldn’t stay at mine due to my dad being ill and sleeping, plus having sex under the same roof as your parent… just weird. When we got to Paul’s place we burst through the door and soon I had him pressed up against the wall whilst I ripped his blue top from his body and tossed it behind me. I hopped on one foot, kicking my shoe off as he untied his laces. As soon as we were both bare footed we slammed back into each other, tugging and stepping out of clothes, leaving a trail of metaphorical breadcrumbs to his bedroom where we fell onto the unmade bed.

     Paul wasn’t huge or anything, he was average size but he knew how to use it, that and his magic tongue. We fucked, pure and simple and what an amazing fuck it was. Sweaty body on sweaty body. Clashing, slamming, moaning, crying out, grabbing, the entire time my eyes were shut tight.

     “Stay with me,” I remember him asking as he had so many times before. The worst part is I never even once felt tempted. Not like I had with James when he asked. Of course I cared about Paul but not enough to make him happy like that. There are lines you don’t cross in arrangements like that. “Please.” He reached from the bed where he lay on his side breathing heavy, his head propped up on his arm. I’d gathered my clothes at this point and was in the process of zipping up my dress.

     If I’d been a caring person I’d have noticed the look he was giving me was one of restraint and hurt. Like he was ready to jump up and pin me to the bed. Unfortunately I was too
oblivious to those kinds of feelings to recognize them. If I had I could have saved myself and James a lot of heartache by ending it then.

     Now to the bad part of this night, the next part I dreamt about. We drove home and he leaned over the console to kiss me. It was then he lay his hand over mine and found the rock sitting there. He suddenly went stiff, his lips lingering on mine. When he pulled back and looked at my hand, clearly my left hand he gulped and then looked back up at me.

     “What the fuck is this?” his voice was lower than a whisper, as if he was talking through an exhale. “You’re engaged?”

     I nod, “Yeah but I’m free until the wedding.”

     “To who?” he said with another gulp, his hands fisted on the steering wheel. All things I didn’t notice as something to acknowledge with any more than a passing glance, at the time I genuinely thought he wasn’t bothered, just annoyed our time was coming to an end. “To James,” I responded around a yawn. “I’m exhausted. I should go in.”

     He didn’t push, didn’t say anything. One thing I did notice as I was getting out of the car was the tear that trickled down his cheek and fell from his chin. I excused it as h
is hay fever playing up, he used to get really bad hay fever. Deep down I think I knew, I think I just didn’t want to address it, I didn’t want our casual times to end, because I was selfish. Kind of like the past few days at Jacob’s with James, I buried it all under a barrier of every kind of solid material known to man and left it there until now. Most of the time I don’t realize I’m doing it.

     Ok, enough of memory lane, I should really move from bed. I need to jog but I don’t know if that’s allowed, plus I’m too tired in all honesty. Instead I climb into the shower and stand under the red hot spray for as long as necessary. When I’m out I spend extra time on my hair and wear a tunic style black dress with nude stockings and black pumps. I know you aren’t supposed to wear heels in pregnancy, James kindly informed me yesterday. Totally sucks but it’ll be nice to have an excuse to give my feet a rest for a while.

     When I’m finished I fill my bag with essentials for work and step out of my room. Each step brings me closer to the noises coming from the kitchen. I know its James, that’s what makes it worse. Is it wrong that I really don’t know how to react?

     “I was just making you breakfast,” he says as I step in. His eyes slowly peruse me from head to toe and back up, he gulps. I do the same with him, he’s casual in jeans and a white button up. Hot with a capital H. “Hungry?” I look at the cereal bowl and smirk, it’s one of three things that James can make successfully.

     Another awkward silence follows, I slide onto a stool at the breakfast bar
and fill my mouth. Easier than talking right now. All that can be heard is our spoons against the bowls, the occasional slurp followed by a crunch and another and another. He opens his mouth after swallowing, decides to not say anything and refills his mouth instead. I look at everything but at him. We have refrigerator magnets, I didn’t know this, cute little silver spirals and stars that are holding up a picture Amelia clearly painted of a… is that an owl? On further inspection I see the large disfigured script of two separate words that I’m sure reads ‘Uncle James’… Ha! There’s also a photo of me and James in bed, only my eyes are visible over the edge of the blanket. My head is resting under James’s chin, he’s sleeping. I vaguely remember taking this picture a while ago on his phone. When did he print it off?

    
“Do you want to ride to work together?” he asks suddenly, making me jump a little. I swallow my mouthful and shake my head, “No, I’ve got a driver coming. I’m heading up to my dad’s grave first.”

     “I can take you.” A frown forms on his face, he’s preparing himself for my rejection.

     He’s right to prepare, “Not today.”

     He doesn’t push it, instead he comes around the breakfast bar and kisses my
forehead before taking my bowl to the dishwasher. I head to the door with him by my side. “My car is probably waiting.”

     “
Of course.” He leans forward, I give him the cheek. “I’ll see you later.”

     “I’m going to Marie’s after work
so I doubt I will be home until late.”

     I leave without waiting for an answer. If I think this has been hard I can only imagine how it’s going to be later in the office
.

     The cemetery is completely deserted and completely
fucking cold. Not in LA anymore and winter is brewing. I wrap my jacket around myself wishing I’d worn pants instead of my flimsy dress. The grass is damp with dew, I can feel it on my knees and shins after plonking myself atop of his grave none too gracefully.

     “I’m sorry I’m not going to be there to see you have kids,” he mumbles and kisses the top of my head. “I’m so sorry princess.”

   
His words swim through my mind and I can hear his voice as if he’s right beside me. I’m overcome with emotion. “I’m sorry too dad, I know you wanted a boy but you got me. Now I have a boy.” I let out a deep breath. I can do this. “What if I screw up? Like drop him or something. I wish I asked you, what I was like as a baby, I wish we spoke about that, maybe I wouldn’t be so freaked out about this. I remember you used to sing to me almost every night and if you didn’t sing you’d read.” Clearing of the throat and swallowing the lump threatening to rise and form into tears. “I’m talking to a gravestone.” I chuckle nervously and glance around, I’m still alone. “I miss you. You’d know what to do, you always did.”

      Nothing, no response. Just a sharp breeze cutting across my body and through my hair. Time to go to work but first I straighten up his flowers, someone has left him an array of Gerber daisies I think they are. I’m no good at gardening therefore the only flowers I know are the most popular sort. These are pretty though and all different colors, yet rather simple, they match my father perfectly.

      The driver, name unknown, opens the door for me as I walk to the car. I climb in and
buckle up.

     There are a few people with cameras outside the building, clearly waiting for my return. “Have you broken up with Jacob?” “Are you back with James?” “Is it true you’re pregnant?” That last one spread fast. I really don’t know why they’re interested in me. Although I know how it started, I was in college and created that sensitive shaving foam and other things for a man’s skin. That hit off my social life really well, I was already classed as an heiress before this but I wasn’t photographed or anything.   

     After the sensitive skincare products hit the shelves and sold like hotcakes I suddenly started getting attention. I was called a chemical genius, I wouldn’t go that far. I’m definitely above average where chemistry is involved but I’m no genius. Then they caught me doing crazy crap like puking in the street after a night out. Or making out in the back of a boys truck. The main thing that got their attention was the rape scandal, my friend at the time, her name was Charlotte. She accused a man of spiking her drink and raping her at a party that Summer, Marie, Jessica, myself and two others went to with her.

     Don’t worry Charlotte was fine, after six long months of questioning the truth came to light, she was lying. Why she lied? She got pregnant, her parents were Catholic
I think and she was too ashamed to tell them the truth. Like I seem to be, she was a late shower in her pregnancy and wasn’t one to wear tight fitted clothes anyway so nobody knew until she had a noticeable bump. That was an awful ordeal because we girls stuck together when we went drinking in our college years but she vanished for an hour, we all searched but to no avail.

     We knew she was lying because the date rape drug that she accused him of
using, I believe it was called Rohipnol, correct me if I’m wrong. Well it would have knocked her out for the night, we found her that night, she seemed fine to the rest of us and wasn’t even showing signs of being drunk or even raped, especially not drugged, and you’d assume she’d have some sort of reaction but I’m no professional. That was a long and awful ordeal having to testify against your own friend, of course I wanted to believe her but I just couldn’t. The press were all over me for that and they haven’t left since. They aren’t obsessive, they don’t follow my every move, it’s usually when I’m doing something interesting like going to Vegas straight after my father’s death and wedding and now I’m tied in with Jacob I’m praying it doesn’t get worse. James was just sort of thrown in when we announced our engagement. Eligible bachelor marries eligible bachelorette, yada, yada, yada, boring.

     Do you know what I just realized? My Channing Tatum poster was still on the wall! With his fantastic green eyes that I stuck on him.

How on earth did you get that from what we were just thinking about?

I’m agreeing with conscience on this one. You have a few random thoughts but that was just weird.

     Give me a break I was in Numbland all night and morning I’m only just finally adjusting to the day. Need coffee.

You’re not allowed coffee.

     Ok, we’re here. Now just get out of the car and head to the elevator. Go into your office, speak with Oliver, get some work done, go to lunch with whoever wants to join you and come back to work and avoid James and his office like the plague. Sounds so easy doesn’t it…? Nope. Not at all. Nothing is easy about this.

    Step one, I’m out of the car.

    Step two, I’m in the building, heads are turning, people are whispering, my knees are wobbling.

    Step three, I’m in the elevator. Breathe in, breathe out. There, I feel much better.

    Step four, I can’t do this. I feel sick. Fortunately the elevator is stopping on every floor.

Because you pressed every number!

     Step five, step into hall. Ok, I’m in the hall, now to open my eyes. Oh god. I feel ill.

Abort mission, just make it to the nearest bathroom ASAP!

     I run to my office, burst through the door with my hand over my mouth. Oliver is sat at my old desk, he looks horrified, like a man held at gun point. I ignore him and run into the bathroom. My stomach is churning. EWWW, and splat. Oh my god this is horrible, I can’t stop the heaving!

That didn’t go so well.

     I feel like shit. Complete and utter fucking shit. I just want to go home and eat a ginger cookie in bed whilst I cry. At least the vomiting has put
HER
out of my mind.

     A warm hand starts rubbing my back as I continue to empty the contents of my stomach into the toilet
, I don’t remember eating this much cereal. Ewww. “Hey, are you ok?” It’s James.

    Suddenly I’m angry, hell I’m really angry, I’m so angry I could rip something, dramatically. Like a piece of paper. I flush the toilet and push away from him. “Just leave me alone James.”

     “Babe…”

     “Just go, seriously. Not now.” It’s not ready to be said yet. I’m not ready for it to be said yet. He puts his hand on my shoulder, I tense. After a sigh
of defeat he releases me, kisses the top of my head and backs out of the room probably looking dejected. I wasn’t looking at him, I was staring at the sink like it holds all of the answers to my life. Still am, still got nothing.

     I brush my teeth with a spare toothbrush from the cabinet in said bathroom and head into the office. Oliver is sat there with a glass of water and a packet of Renee. This has James written all over it.

     “Hey Oliver, how’s it going?” I sip the water and chew on a tablet. “Everything running smooth?”

     “Yep,” he runs his hand through his silvery blonde hair. He must be at least forty, I know he’s married and has a sixteen year old kid. Or is that what’s his name from the lab? I’ll look it up.

No you won’t.

     Shush. “So, I’m just going to sit here, ignore me,” I say and motion to the couch. I sit on the right side and stretch out, then I look up and notice my wedding picture on the wall. James must have put it up there after replacing the smashed frame. Sigh. I swap to the other side so my back is to it, now to get out my laptop.

     “Will you let everyone know I’m back,” I announce into the silence. Oliver looks at me with warm brown eyes. “Don’t worry, you still have that seat, I’m going through medical issues.”

     He glances at my stomach and quirks a brow, then mutters under his breath with a chuckle, “medical issues.”

     “I have great hearing.”

     He just grins and goes back to his computer.

     There’s a tap at the door and it slowly opens. I’m battling myself, I want it to be James and I don’t. What a curious feeling. Huh. It’s not James, it’s… Summer. Yay!

     “Lunch break,” I announce before she says a word.

     “Ok.” She agrees with a pretty smile and watches me zip up my coat, her eyes linger on my
flat
stomach, it’s flat, and I’m not in denial because everything still fits. “So it’s true. You’re pregnant? And you didn’t tell me!” Way to screech.

     “I don’t think China hear
d you, you should shout louder next time.” I deadpan and grip her elbow before pulling her out of the room.

     “Sorry.”

     “Muppet.”

     “Fatty.”

      Well! “Bitch!” Scoff.

     “Future blimp.”

     “I despise you,” I glower at her playfully. She wraps her arms around my waist. “Missed you too. Whore.”

     We head to a quiet little café not too far from my building. I order a cheese and sun blushed tomato Panini, if it doesn’t satisfy my craving I’m throwing it at whoever is closest. Poor Summer.

     “I can’t believe you’re pregnant.”

     “Enough about me. Tell me, what’s going on with you?”

     She grins wickedly and wags her eyebrows a couple of times, “Well, Chris just got a new job.”

     “Do tell.”

     “He works for some kind of games company…”

     I snort at her puzzled face as she thinks, “Careful there honey. You look like you’re about to hurt yourself.”

     “Shut up, I’ve forgotten the name. He’s umm… producing or something.” She waves her hand dismissively. “He’s gotten a raise. We’re moving house!”

     I love that the only part she actually knows about is the fact he’s getting a raise. I can’t help it, I cackle. She cackles. “Summer, you’re terrible.”

    “Whatever, I’m so excited.”

    “When do you move?”

    “Three months.” She shrugs and sips her drink. My Panini arrives, nom.

    “You haven’t found a house yet have you.” I state because I know it’s true by the sheepish smile on her face
so no questioning tone needed. “Wait to have a house party after the invader arrives would you?”

     Her excitement shines on her face, “Can I come baby shopping with you?”

     “Go with James. He’s excited more than me.”

     Now she’s frowning,
gah. That’s one thing about Summer, she’s very expressive with her face and her hands. From a distance she probably looks like she’s saying, “I flew a plane and it went like this… and then this…” Because her arms flail.

     “What’s the problem? I know you’re young but…”

     I hold up my hand to stop her, “Exactly, I’m young. I’m not ready for this.”

     “You’ll be fine once it’s here. So how far along are
you?”

     “I dunno, about seventeen weeks I think. Can we not talk about
this?”

     “Fine, what’s the situation with you and James?” Where to begin…

     “It was fine in LA, like nothing bad had happened,” I cover my mouth while I chew. “
I suppressed it. Now we’re home… it’s not easy. I can’t forget Summer.” I know I must have a tortured look on my face, mirroring how I feel inside. “I don’t know how to deal.”

     She takes my hand over the table, “I can tell you a bunch of pretty things that will make you feel better. Fact of the matter is you’re stuck right now, you’re having his kid. What he’s done is wrong but you can’t change that fact.”

     “I know that,” ok, that was a little sharp. “Sorry.” I rub my face with both hands and lean back in my seat. “I would never stop him from seeing Duracell. I just don’t know how to cope around him. All I see when I see him is her impaled on him. Like a bony blonde kebab.”

     She howls, it startles everyone in the shop as she laughs and even slams her hand on the table. I’m not impressed. “I… I’m sorry. Th… that was great. Bony blonde kebab.”

     “You’ve got the piggy giggles, it’s not attractive.”

     “Sorry,” she takes a deep breath and composes herself. “Man I love you… sometimes.
Who’s Duracell?”

     “The invader, he’s draining me like a rechargeable.” I grunt and drain the last of my drink.
“I swear this thing is eating me alive or something.”

     “Hey, that
thing
is a baby.”

     “No need to get technical. Baby, battery, invader, same difference.”