A Little Bit of Truth (Little Bits) (54 page)

They all have tales, all have woes and all have fears.

Then it comes to me.

“I shot a woman between the eyes,” I admit and I’m shocked to find none of them look shocked.

“Tell us about it,” someone urges gently.

I sigh and tell them the story I’ve told so many times, “I was on the ground under a beast of a man, fighting for control of a gun, my friend tried to help me but put herself in line of fire of her crazy ass cousin and then her boyfriend who is also a good friend of mine threw himself on her to protect her. I heard the first shot go off, managed to get the gun and didn’t think before I aimed. Got her right between the eyes
but not before she shot again.”

“Those eyes haunt you in your dreams don’t they?” A guy who hasn’t yet had his turn to speak says. “It’s the eyes, if you look into someone’s eyes while they die it stays with you.”

“Good to know,” I mumble.

“You’ll get passed it, it helps to tell the story.” I open my mouth to interject but he raises his hand to cut me off. “The real story. Not the story you saw with these,” he points to his eyes. “But the story you saw with this.” He points to his chest.

“Kenan had the same issue Marie,” the group councilor states. “You’ll do well to listen to him.”

“Does it ever go away?” I ask him indirectly.

“Like I said, it takes time but it does. Depends on your outlook of the situation. Self-defense to the person doing the defending doesn’t always see it as self-defense. I had this problem when I killed the man raping my niece with a gun to her head. I kept going over and over it in my mind, trying to figure out if there was something else I could do. Maybe there was but I’ll never know. That was the situation, I felt that’s how I should’ve handled it so that’s the way I handled it. It saved her life and possibly saved my own.”

It’s like he’s speaking my thoughts out loud, “I’m sorry about your niece.”

“Me too, I pray heaven shines brightly upon her,” he says quietly and my heart goes out to him.

Without words I know she’s taken her own life. Without words I give him a look that tells him I know how he feels. Without words I let his words sink in.

I nod
a little and we move on.

We get around the entire group, my heart aching for most of them. They talk about how they feel, they laugh with each other, a few of them cry with each other. This makes me extremely uncomfortable but I don’t show it.

The entire experience is refreshing.

I can finally say out loud, “I killed someone and I care.” It’s not much but it’s an improvement.

When I go back to see the shrink the next day I get it out. I say it out loud, “I killed someone and I care.”

She seems to smile a little, seemingly relieved but doesn’t comment, only nods for me to continue.

I shrug, “That’s all I’ve got for you right now.”

She doesn’t take no for an answer, “Elaborate. Why do you care?”

“She was a person, a bad person but still a person.”

“Okay. Go on.”

I wring my hands in my lap, “She was alive and then she wasn’t.”

“Okay. Go on.”

Christ. “It’s a normal thing to care about another life.”

“Okay. Go on.”

“I don’t know what to tell you okay?” I snap. “I just… I don’t feel like it was self-defense. Everyone said it was but I’m not sure that it is.”

I see her eyes sharpen, she’s getting excited. Her notepad is now sitting on the table with her pen. “Why is that Marie?”

“She shot Lucas, I heard the shot and I reacted but I knew she wasn’t going to shoot me,” I half whisper.

“Maybe she was.”

“No, she was aiming for Loryn, Lucas just got in the way.”

“Would you have reacted the same if it was Loryn who got shot?”

I shrug, “I have no idea. Being in that situation is nothing like reading about it or speculating. I don’t think anybody can know what they’re going to do until they’re there.”

“You protected your friends, this is still a form of self-defense. Who’s to say she wouldn’t have shot you after them?”

That’s a good question, “That’s why everyone is saying
it’s self-defense, because she was unstable emotionally and mentally. A danger to herself and others. I’ve heard this but she was still a person. She was that way because of the life she’d lived, the parents she’d had.”

“We all make our own choices Marie.”

“Yeah,” I agree.

“Loryn grew up in tougher environments than Dana, do you think this defines her as a person?”

I scowl, “You know… I really hate it when you make a point and it hits the right note.”

“I think you’ve done really well today Marie. Honestly I think you just need time and conversation. There are a few things we can do to help you move on but some people benefit more from time than forcing it. You’re definitely one of those people.”

And then I see her again the next week.

And the next.

I fall to the ground, my body shaking with laughter. Ouch. So fucking funny though.

“That was awesome!” Landon screams from wherever the hell he landed.

I unclip my parachute and walk on unsteady legs towards him. After helping him untangle we bump knuckles and cheer out to the sky.

“That was scary as hell. No way am I doing that again,” I admit on a shudder and slap my friend on the back. “What’s next?”

“I think we’ve done everything on your list,” he pulls out his phone and scrolls along the screen with his thumb. “Food, entertainment, movies, all done.”

“So what now?”

Landon shrugs, still grinning and breathing heavy from the adrenaline of the sky dive. “Feeling any more like your own person yet?”

I laugh and press forward, “How the fuck am I supposed to know?”

“Okay, new question,” he takes a pull of his water bottle with shaking hands. “Do you still want to act?”

“Yeah.”

“You sure?”

I smile, “Yeah but no more blockbusters.”

“Indie?”

“Fuck yeah,” we high five and cheer again as more of our group land on the ground around us. “Brilliant.”

******

“I can’t stand pancakes,” I announce over the phone to Maya.

“What? But you always eat pancakes,” she gasps.

“I know, how messed up is that?” We both laugh at this because truly, it is messed up. “I also don’t like being driven places. I like to drive, it just became a habit of being taken everywhere.”

“Brilliant.”

“I bought a car.”

She giggles harder, “You’re not even back in the city yet.”

“I know, something to look forward to.”

“What about the apartment?”

“Well, I went back to LA and stayed at my place there for a while,” I clear my throat. “Marie knew me better than I knew myself. I hate the space, it’s so open and kind of lonely. When it’s smaller you don’t feel so alone, you feel safer.”

“Awesome, anything else.”

“My favorite animal is now a wolf. They’re wicked, kind of remind me of our group. You’ve got the alpha…”

“Lucas.”

“I was going to say you.”

“Aww, you’re awesome,” I can hear the smile in her voice.

“Ooh, I also love, absolutely and positively, love fried mushrooms.”

“What a revelation!”

“I know right?”

And our conversation continues from there for another hour.
The only mention of Marie is when I said about her knowing me better than I know myself.

Because it’s true.

I hope she’s doing okay.

I miss her.

But I can’t fuck with her head anymore. She deserves better. The sooner I get my shit sorted the sooner I can go and see her.

I spend another two weeks traveling with my buddy, discovering sights I’ve seen before but never truly seen. Doing things that I wouldn’t be allowed to do when under contract.

I also dropped out of every movie I’ve agreed to and fired my agent. Yep.
Kerry is gone, gone and gone.

Then I hired a new one, one who tends to work mostly with indie actors. I can afford the drop in wages, I want to do something meaningful, something I enjoy,
something that will hopefully make a mark on the world. No more bullshit sci-fi or action shots.

From here on out I’m all about the real.

The press of course have had a field day about my dropping out and firing my agent and
the sudden changes in my life. I don’t care, I’m not around to see it but I will be soon.

It’ll be chaos, but it’s worth it. Sooner or later they’ll get bored and I can concentrate on living a next to normal life with good friends, good movies and good fun.

That’s what I want, that’s what I’m going to do.

Jacob’s back in the city. He arrived a week ago according to local gossip magazines. He’s lost a little bit of weight but still looks as sexy as he always does. His eyes seem content which is good but that could just be wishful thinking on my part.

I wonder when I’ll see him. That’s if I’ll see him again.

Either thought makes me nervous; though I can definitely say I want one more than the other.

I really want to see him again. Even if it’s to fully break off our relationship; the closure would be nice if that were the case. Gah, I just want to see him, hug him, taste his skin while inhaling his delicious scent and burning the feel of his body against mine on my brain, so I never forget.

Fingers crossed I get this chance.

I’m currently at work after a full week of brilliant sleep. Every night my dreams have been nonexistent and with each passing day I fall to sleep without being scared about what’s going to happen next.

My photography is becoming even more well-known which is fabulous but tiring. Looks like I may have to hire somebody too. At least I’m always busy, that’s a plus. It helps the days go by faster than they would if I were sitting alone in my apartment, lost in my own thoughts while Lancelot attacks my hand. This has happened a lot but not so much anymore.

I have to admit, this whole group session therapy and seeing the shrink have really helped but I won’t say this out loud.

Or maybe I will one day.

Let’s deal with one thing at a time.

“I’m sure she can fit you in,” Loryn laughs and pushes the door to the studio open.

“I’ve got an hour free,” I call without looking up from my laptop.

“Good because I need something,” everything in me tenses at the sound of that voice. Gulping, I look up and smile at the shaggy haired star before me. “Reckon you can hook me up?”

My head nods slowly, “I reckon so. What is it you’re looking for?”

Loryn smiles and slowly backs out of the room.

“A blonde female with the best legs I’ve ever seen and tits I just want to hold onto forever,” he walks toward me, his long strides carrying him gracefully. His broad shoulders inviting me to taste
with the tip of my tongue as they move ever so slightly with each step. His clear blue eyes twinkling with mischief, a look I’ve missed, a look that makes me instantly wet.

Hell, who am I kidding? I was drenched the minute he spoke.

It’s a sickness.

A very good sickness I might add.

I’m disappointed when he stops a foot away from me, at least our eyes don’t break away from each other.

“Britney Spears?” I croak out in response.

His smile lights up the dark room, it also takes my breath away in a way that I never want my breath to come back so I can feel this feeling forever. “No. Go to dinner with me?”

“Like a date?” I wince at my words, not wanting to push my luck.

“Yes, definitely like a date.”

Deep breath. “Are… are you sure?”

“A million percent,” he states, his lips twitching. “Please?”

“I’m busy until six.”

“Six thirty then,” he twitching lips spread into a grin.

“Okay,” I nod and run my fingers through my hair. “My place or yours?”

“Here. I’ll be waiting outside when you finish,” he leans forward, touches his lips to my cheek which sends me into a lust filled state that I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to break free of. “It’s good to see you baby.” He runs his nose from my cheek to my jaw before kissing my nose and stepping back. “Later baby.”

“B… bye,” my hand waves feebly as I watch him vanish t
hrough the door he just entered; then it presses against my chest to soothe my hammering heart. What just happened?

Nothing I didn’t want that’s for sure.