A Little Bit of Truth (Little Bits) (53 page)

Christ.

What’s wrong with me?

I can’t find a single shot of me looking as peaceful as I do when I’m with Marie. Those pictures prove it. She was mine, the only thing I’ve ever had that hasn’t been given to me. She was everything.

She was home.

Though her question ricochets through my god damn mind like a wayward bullet in a room full of curved metal. Do I want her because Maya, James,
Summer, Chris and the rest of them thought we should be together? Or do I want her because I want her?

How can I even answer this question when I don’t even know who
I
am?

After the fifth movie I laugh a little.

I don’t love my job at all.

I don’t love any of the shit that comes with it.

Sure I enjoy acting but it’s not what I want. Is it?

How do I answer that?

When you grow up around people who tell you constantly that
you’re supposed to be something you’re not, how do you not end up losing yourself along the way? Maybe I never even lost myself, maybe I just never found me.

How does one change the habit of a lifetime?

“You know what helps me?” I jump at the sound of Maya’s voice and spin to face her in the doorway where she leans casually on her bicep with her legs crossed at the ankles. “Running.”

“What are you doing here?” I grit out, wanting her to leave so I can continue sorting through my mess of a head.

“Trying to be the friend I should have been at my wedding.” Her sorrowful eyes meet mine. “I’m sorry I let you down Jacob.”

I laugh humorlessly, “Haven’t you heard? Marie’s innocent.”

“I always knew she was,” way to rub it in. “But that doesn’t mean you did and you clearly needed me then. I let you down so I’m going to help you now.”

“I don’t need help.”

“Okay,” she smiles slightly, it doesn’t reach her eyes and it looks to be shadowed by pity. Which I hate. “Then come for a run with me. I heard your stamina is pretty decent.”

I chew on my lip, thinking on it.

“If you don’t want to you don’t have to. The choice is yours. I’ll wait outside for ten minutes, if you’re not out there in your running gear by then, I’ll leave and I won’t ask you again,” she steps toward me, reaches up and runs her fingers through my hair before kissing my cheek gently. “The choice is yours Jacob. I’ll love you even if you say no.”

And then she vanishes.

With a sigh I quickly pull on my training clothes and meet her on the front. I enjoy running, maybe not as much as Maya but enough to know that this might be a good idea. The smile that brightens her face when she sees me is definitely worth it.

We run, with no particular direction in mind. It’s freeing, it’s too early for crowds so the streets are almost clear. These people are probably too tired from their early morning wake up to care about recognizing me which is also awesome.

“You know,” she begins as I knew she would eventually. “I grew up in a home where the choice was always mine. Always. My dad loved me first before everything else, he always cared about what I wanted. Even though he genuinely thought I’d fuck up time and time again he still supported me.” She weaves around a street lamp and continues. “It sucks that you didn’t have that.”

“I did. To a certain extent.”

“Really?” Her eyes catch me from the corner of her lids, she gives me a look that claims she doesn’t believe me. Hell, I don’t even believe myself.

“This isn’t an interview Jacob, this is a conversation between friends. You were a child star, a very young one from what I’ve read. Your life was shaped out before you.”

“And yours wasn’t?” I scoff, knowing she grew up in first class society with a hell of a lot of rules.

“Nope, my dad taught me how to work hard, play hard and love even harder. He didn’t send me to the school for training women how to be women. He kept me home and taught me to be Maya. Every time I messed up he’d talk to me, help me learn from it and probably ground me for a week. I never made the same mistake twice.”

“What does this have to do with anything?”

She runs a full circle around me, no set pace or rhythm.

She grins, jogging backwards
before me, which is really fucking hard to do in my opinion, and states, “Everything. We’re what our parents make us. Sure, we make our own choices but our lives are guided by them. Yours was guided to the hour. Not all day every day but most days. I get it, you’re probably wondering who you are and what you want.”

“You’ve been talking to Marie.”

“Of course I have, that’s what friends do but when I saw you looking so defeated I knew then this was probably more serious than any of us realized.” Falling in step beside me she starts waving her arms like a mad man in all directions.

“What are you doing?”

“Saying fuck you to society and acting like a crazy person,” the giggle that follows helps me smile. “Look, you aren’t going to get any answers by sitting around and obsessing about it. You’ve got the right questions going, now you just need to answer them yourself. What better way to do that then to take a few weeks off work, with friends or without, finding out what you like, what you don’t like, what you shouldn’t like but do and what you should like but don’t.”

I laugh, “Now you’re confusing me more than I’m confusing myself.”

“It’s simple Jacob, you think you’ve tasted the world but you haven’t, you’ve tasted the world through your agent, through your schedules, through your coworkers and directors and every other cunt that comes with the industry. Now you need to taste the world through Jacob.”

I guess that kind of makes sense, “Okay guru Maya, how do I do that?”

“Duh. Take a few weeks or months off like I just said and get out there. It’s not like you don’t have the money to splurge. One of my greatest pleasures is shopping.”

“Babe, the way you shop isn’t a pleasure, it’s a sickness.”

“Says who?” Her brow comes up as we slow our pace. “Society? The government? I work hard for my money why shouldn’t I spend it? Because people think it’s wrong?”

She has a point.

“You’re thinking like you should care what people think. As long as what you’re doing doesn’t involve: murder, drugs, or anything illegal then you’re not doing anything wrong. Break the rules you think are rules without breaking the rules you know are rules.”

I hate that she’s making sense. Hate it.

I also love it.

“Right,” I nod my agreement and rub my eyes.

We stop and walk into a coffee house, both of us still looking and feeling fine. No overexertion here yet.

“
Forget everything you know and let loose.”

I quickly order my drink and turn to her, “That’s easier said than done.”

“Of course it is, there’s no denying that. Do you know the amount of times I’ve made a complete idiot of myself?”

I snort, “I’ve been there for a few.”

We sit at a table near the window, I stare out at the gray skies above and watch for nothing. There’s nothing interesting to see, yet I still watch it anyway.

“Yep, and do I care? Do you guys care when I’m an idiot?” She reaches over and takes my hand, forcing me to bring my eyes back to hers. “Do you care when I’m an idiot?”

“No, it’s what makes you, you. You wouldn’t be Maya without your quirky ass personality,” we both grin at this. Mostly because it’s true.

“Brilliant and you finally get my point.”

I do?

Wait. I guess I do.

“Go on and don’t stress about Marie. Think about yourself first before you try to work out your feelings for everyone else. Just remember one thing.”

“What’s that?”

“People can tell you how you should feel and they can tell you how you should act and what you should like, it doesn’t mean you feel it, doesn’t mean you should act it and it doesn’t mean you actually like it. You get me?”

I nod slowly, letting the words sink in, “Yeah. I get you.”

“Good.” With a pat on my wrist she sits back, thanks the waitress when she brings us our coffee and sips it with a sigh. “My favorite time of the morning is this. Waking up next to the man I love, playing with my baby girl and placing her in bed with her daddy so they can sleep a couple more hours while I come out into the fresh morning air and run until my heart’s content. It’s peaceful, it’s just what I enjoy.”

“I didn’t have a detox shake this morning, I enjoyed not doing that,” I admit, my eyes scanning the sidewalk. “It was refreshing.”

“Looks like you’re already on the right path dude. Next I suggest you destroy that fucking phone, or at least lock it away for a while. Get a temporary one for the time being, cut everyone off that you feel influence your life in ways that might not be so good.”

“Okay master,” I snort and hand my phone over. “You take it. Keep hold of it for me?”

“Will do stud.”

It’s The Eyes

“Look, we’re not getting anywhere. It’s been three weeks and I’m all for persistence but I can’t help you if you don’t talk about it,” the woman says and pushes her glasses up the bridge of her nose. “I’m not medicating you, I’m not doing shock therapy and I’m definitely not going to hypnotize you to make you forget, that’s assuming that even works.
There’s no easy solution to this Marie.”

I sigh and rub my tired eyes.

“You’re still not sleeping.”

“I just don’t like talking about shit, I’ve told you what happened.”

“No,” she throws a pencil at me, it bounces off my arm. Hey! “You’ve told me the story that I can look up online. I want to know how you feel here.” She rests her finger on my chest.

I look down at said finger and back up at her, “You’re touching my
titty.”

With an exasperated growl her arms fly up before crossing over her chest, “You are infuriating.”

“You’re supposed to be a shrink.”

“Therapist,” she corrects and gives me an eye roll. “Look. If you don’t want to talk to me then fine, but there must be someone you want to talk to. What about a victim’s support group.”

“I…”

“No,” she cuts me off with a raised hand. “That’s just what you’re going to do. You’re going to join a group session and sit and listen. My friend runs an awesome group in here on Tuesday’s. You’re going.”

“Yeah right.”

Her voice gets louder, “This is for you. This isn’t for me, I’m getting paid either way. You want your nightmare’s to stop, you want to move on from this then you’ll do as I say. Go to the group, share, don’t share that’s your choice. All I ask is that you listen. Listen to what they say, listen to how they feel. See if you can relate to that and then listen to the advice given to them. It’s either that or you continue being the
,
you,
that you are now. And let’s be honest, if you liked the, you, that you are now then you wouldn’t be here. So let me help you so you can help yourself.”

I huff and fold my own arms across my chest, “Fine I’ll go.”

“Good. Then I want you here the next day after you’ve had time to process it and think on it. Write it down if you can’t say it out loud. Write everything down. Right now you’re your own worst enemy, maybe writing it down will help, maybe it won’t but what harm can it do?” I watch her scribble on a piece of card before handing it to me. “The session time on Tuesday and our appointment on Wednesday. Got it?”

I tuck the card into my bra and wink, “Yes boss.”

That was my third session of therapy. It’s going well…

The days haven’t gone by easily, I’ve heard no word from Jacob; not that I was expecting to. I miss him, I always miss him.

I just hope he’s okay, I hope he’s solving his personality riddle and figuring out what he wants in life. I want this for him a million times more than I want it for myself.

Loyal to a fault, my dad always said about me as I grew up. He was right. I think I need to put myself first this time. Just this once.

So I will. I need to get rid of all of this crap in my head and heart and deal with it.

So deal with it I will.

*****

The group is coed not just women like I expected but men too. Their ages are diverse, ranging from about nineteen to fifty. Also there are twelve of them. I know this because I counted as they called out their names.

I feel like I’m about to admit to being an alcoholic, I thought this style group only existed on TV. I guess not.

They introduce themselves and share a little of their stories.

Two women have experienced brutal muggings and are basically too scared to leave the house on their own. A man had his dog brutally attacked and dangled outside of his window and then he was attacked when he tried to retrieve him and get him help. Anoth
er accidentally drowned his two year old son when he had a heart attack and collapsed during their swim time.