A Life Plan Without You. (94 page)

“I don’t feel anything, isn’t that what you want for me not to
feel, and to be falsely happy, what have I to be happy
about?”

“Are you taking them regularly?”

“She is Doctor I give them her.” Naha, I take them and spit
them out, should check under my tongue mother.

“I don’t
need pills to cheer me up I just need Sam, do you do him in pill
form?”

“Michelle the doctor is trying to help!” Right suck it up
mother.

“Well the
pills aren’t working and you nagging all the bloody time isn’t
helping either.”

“Are you still having trouble sleeping Michelle?” You could
say that Dr Jude.

“What’s sleep? I cat nap and I cry, sleep would be good really
good, but then I have nightmares and wake up screaming.”

“I’d like
to increase the medication and add in a sleeping tablet after
tea!”

“Oh, if
you could get her to eat tea that would be a start!”

“If you could fucking cook… That would be a start!”

“Michelle there is no need for that young lady now stop this
at once and apologise!” Opps I’ve pissed off Aunty Liz
now!

“Sorry Aunty Liz, Mum… I’m sorry you can’t cook!” I laugh and
the doctor does too.

“A smile
something we haven’t had in a while Michelle!”

“I live to make your day Dr Jude! So I get to take more pills
and take a sleeping pill, fine can I have the prescription please I
have and exam tomorrow, I need to study!” She handed me the script
and smiled. I was walked home and as Aunty Liz and mum chatted I
felt like crap. Getting home I went to bed to study. I wasn’t
taking anything in and decided to go for a run, getting down stairs
mum was sat with Pat and they were discussing the nut job upstairs,
the fucking fat bitch said she knew Sam was too good to be true and
mum agreed. I went in the front room for my purse I wasn’t stopping
here anymore. I looked at the fat bitch on the couch and she opened
her fucking mouth to me for the last fucking time!

“Have you
finished putting your mother through hell? Get your act together
and grow up, there’s above you in all this!”

“Shut the fuck up you miserable fucking fat bitch and get the
fuck out of this house Dad bared you, did you forget did you? What
hell has she been through? Was it her that was attacked? Was it her
nearly raped? Was it her whose fiancé was beaten half to death?
What the fuck has it got to do with you?” Just then Becks came in
and just as mum handed me the pills, I hit her hand so hard the
pills pinged of the walls and Pat sat staring at me!

“Michelle
calm down now, I’m telling you to calm down!”

“Fucking get out of this house now. Now you fat bitch get out
or I swear I will kill you!” Becks knocked on the wall as I
screamed at Pat and my mother. “What’s the point in being like
this? What do I have in my life but you and your bullying? I wish I
was dead, I really do and I’m not stopping here with you two
fucking cows, if you won’t leave I will and I’m not coming back
ever do you hear me ever. I hate you I hate this place and I don’t
want to live any more, not without him.” Becks screamed as Uncle
Joe and Aunty Liz watched me run for the road and I wasn’t stopping
either I ran, I heard the screech of the tyres and the smash of
glass before darkness swept over me. I was better off dead! Waking
later on I had a headache and the hushed sound of dad crying woke
me.

“Dad, why
are you crying?”

“Michelle
you tried to kill yourself, why would I not cry?”

“I wanted to die Dad, they were being nasty Fat Pat and Mum
were saying Sam was a liar and didn’t love me I was to stop messing
around Mum was hurting, she shouldn’t have been here and she was
and they were being awful again. I didn’t want to be here I don’t
like her and I hate Mum!”

“Umm, you
don’t Michelle, you don’t. Your just sad and missing
Sam.”

“I can’t
live here Dad I can’t be in a place that has him in it and not me,
I want to move to Hambleton with Grams and Gramps and never come
back!”

“Michelle, go for the summer and think about things Grams and
Gramps are there for you, things with Sam will be better then, much
better. You have a couple of exams left and then university to see
and dance exams to take, go then?” I took the offered cup of tea
and he kissed my head and left me alone!

That was the last time I was alone for a long time, they
watched my every fucking move, and everywhere I went I had a
minder. I wrote to him every day, the same letter sent to his home
and his Aunts. I didn’t think they would go back there, but sent it
there anyway. He had a fair few letters all begging him to come
back for me, but he didn’t.

I’d wake and run, write a letter post them and go to class,
college didn’t stop just because we had, plod on carry on. I hated
my life and I was prescribed tablets to help me cope, I laughed
because they can’t mend my broken heart. I pretended to take the
anti-depressants the doctor gave me and spat them in the toilet,
keeping mum off my back for the remaining time left here. I would
talk Gramps into stopping in Hambleton and not sell up, because I
never wanted to come back.

I got ready for class and dressed in Sam’s favourite blue
dress, I didn’t feel right, having the sexy underwear on. The rest
that was on show was perfect. I had lessons to teach. The lads had
decided that dancing wasn’t for them and Ellie had decided that
Jimmy wasn’t for her, so that put paid to that class, Samantha
could teach Gary and Stephen on her own, but I had a new group of
nippers and had those to teach and teach them I did.

Then I went for my lesson with Lee and Ellie. Our class went
very well Samantha and Lee danced us through all the dances. My
second class of nippers did very well in their class, but I was
finishing class a little later than normal and Sam walked in… With
her, her of all people. He had her arm in his, her of all the
people, Karen-Bloody-Manning. He saw me, she saw me, she put her
arms around his neck and she kissed him, she kissed him and he
allowed it, his hands coming to her waist, I couldn’t believe what
I was seeing.

I was devastated, what was he doing rubbing my nose in it with
her, her of all people, and here. Shit he’d lied he’d cheated and
he hurt me all three rules broken with that slut, her of all
people. I turned and ran across the floor, down the back stairs I
had to get home. Still in my dance shoes, in the pouring rain I ran
crying and screaming, I stopped midfield to take my ruined shoes
off and fell to the floor. After yet more screaming. I ran home
crying, he had broken my heart again, with her why her? Was she
always there? Had he lied? Was she in fact one of his shags from
the market? I was angry sad and out for revenge. I didn’t know how,
but I would have it. They will both pay and badly, just see if they
didn’t, just see…

That opportunity came quicker than expected, on Saturday
afternoon when Michelle, quiet one. Came around to mine and told me
Paul had been riding his motor bike on their land. They’d been
talking and he had asked her to ask me if I wanted to go out on a
date.

“Really and he couldn’t ask me himself?” We laughed about shy
Paul, the once schoolyard hooligan, who was now too shy to ask a
shy girl for a date. I saw a way of getting Sam as angry as I was,
he had someone, I would flaunt my pretend new someone, and no way
did I want to be this hurt ever again. “Tell him to be at Ridgley’s
on Friday, I will let him know then.” I’d had my teaching lesson on
Wednesday where Lee noted my sad face and kissed my cheeks and gave
me a hug and told me it gets easier.

Exams and college were nearly over, I had done the very best I
could and had thrown my all into passing and I did, but why was all
my success meaningless and empty, perhaps because I’d no one to
share in it? I had my dance exam Sunday and uni visit to look
forward to next week. Had I not got dance exams and college, I
would have run to Grams and Gramps. Lee snapped me from my
daydreams, with a squeeze, stopping those damn tears.

“Please don’t Lee, I had a horrid night Friday and of all the
people he could have come in with, he chose Sherpa Amazonian
Man.”

“Babe she is soooo not of my people, she is swamp trash.
Oop’s, that’s soooo not nice. She does have manly features and
false tits. I won’t be able to look at her now, bitch, without
laughing inside. Sod it may laugh to her face. If it’s any
conciliation, he didn’t stop he left straight after you? She was
left on her own.” I smiled, but he still came with her and he knew
it would kill me, the anger rose within me and the red mist
descended. I wanted my revenge. I wasn’t thinking
straight.

My mind was full of stupid thoughts of why him and her? Had he
lied about her, had he done nothing but lie, why her, he knew she
was the one person I would never forgive him for. Perhaps there was
always something between them and he had lied again? Shush, my mind
is exploding. I knew too mum was mixing pills in my drinks too, so
I’d stopped eating and drinking at home, because things didn’t seem
to bother me as much for a couple of days. She was overdosing me on
the herbal tablet St John’s Wort for my depression, bloody hells
teeth. I found the spoons she used and she bought milkshake mix an
unusual occurrence I thought at the time, her pandering to me and
buying in my favourite foods. I had now conspiracy theories too.
Damn my head was a busy place.

“You say the nicest things Lee, teach me, teach me things, oh
wise one.” He put on another album and we danced through them in
the order they came in, Cha-cha-cha, rumba and jive again,
Paso-Doble, and we finished with the Samba. Ellie joined me for
extra lessons. She knew nothing about Sam and me. She was digging
for info for Karen. I gave her nothing to work with and went home
sad and depressed and so tired so lonely.

Last day ever in college, I was presented with a cheque for
coming top in all my classes and best attendance and told I could
work in any top kitchen I wanted… Whoop. We had a photo shoot on
the last day with the Stockton Times for the cup win and that was
the end of my college and school days, I either go to uni or in the
Royal Navy.

Next week I was at Stockton University all week, which was
something I was looking forward to doing, before my last summer at
Gramps house. Friday came, the sexy virgin-no-more-white-dress was
worn, which had its last outing the day we went for my rings, the
newly dyed black satin shoes were none the worse for wear, being
dyed black, (they didn’t come clean after the dash over the field
the week before.) No sexy underwear for him though. We did our new
nippers lessons, our own last lesson, before exams and nailed it,
all the extra time had worked.

We looked good on the dance floor at last and smiled as we
noted our audience had arrived. We still had our nipper’s classes
to teach and teach it I did. Full of my inner Amazon woman as Lee
called me.

“Babe’s smile and look at her and know you’re prettier than
her.” I smiled and held my pretty head high.

“Right class tonight’s your last chance to get it right. I
know you can do it so pair up please, I waved for the music, and I
held Gillian’s hand. Ellie danced with the nippers and Samantha did
the music. We started with the Tango, I moved around the floor with
Gillian with the greatest of ease, she smiled at Sam who smiled
back at her and he waved his hand at her, that choked me a little,
but I managed to finish. We did the Foxtrot next and I switched
with Samantha, to do the music. I couldn’t see him from here. Lee
had come to give me a twirl on the dance floor; he knew I needed
it.

“Oh, why are the best men gay or married, or in my case fucked
right royally in the head.” He kissed my cheek, holding me close as
we danced, Lee guiding me into the tight corners, the gentle dips
the perfect foot movements the perfect tempo and step count, the
heel rise and falls, and we got lost in the dance and were perfect.
As the music came to an end I smiled as he left me to do his class
downstairs.

“Stiff upper lip Michelle, you Michelle, you are fabulous oh
so fabulous and someone’s great loss babe.” He shouted, loud and
proud as he disappeared down the stairs.

“Right class you need to be here at One o’clock for pre exam
dance through downstairs, exams are up here. You need to be smart,
boys you need to be in shirt and tie, girls you need to be in a
dress or flowing skirt, I won’t say good luck you don’t need it
your all my little perfect dancers.” Gillian was questioning
me.

“Why are you and Sam so sad Mishy?” I picked her up hugged her
gave her a kiss.

“We’re not anymore, see you Sunday pumpkin.” I ran to the
toilet for a bloody good cry. I wet my hair, the curls now danced
on my shoulders. Deep breaths and carry on, he was here and sat
with her talking, as if I wasn’t even in the sodding room. I went
to find Paul sat with the others. I walked across the dance floor
to the changing room working the legs, and sexy heels in Sam’s
favourite dress, wolf whistles nice. Bet he’s thinking the
underwear’s under here too. I re did the makeup, and the music
played. I went out and walked up to Paul.

“Dance with me then?” He held my hand and though not a patch
on Sam, he could hold his own with the simple dances. He said I
looked nice. I wasn’t that interested in what he thought I looked
like, I was using him, cruel really and so not his fault. Sam was
watching with her sat by his side, and they were talking. Paul
asked did I want to go to Heaven. I had remembered my first time in
there with Sam I felt a pang of regret that I wouldn’t be going in
there with him. Shane wasn’t there anymore he had gone to Ireland
to marry. I had no backup plan should things go wrong, though I did
however get along with Chris and Colin the other two bouncers, and
he wasn’t that stupid he knew who my dad was, he told me he did.
Great he knows if he messes up he gets a smack, I’m not messing
around this time if I can’t handle it my dad can.