A Life Plan Without You. (101 page)

“I can’t take all that Gramps, hell Dad will kill you for
giving me so much money. You give me all I need; please really I
don’t need that much money.”

“I will put the rest, and the cheque, in the bank on Monday,
Michelle.” I looked at him, as he smiled at me, he was so proud of
how hard I’d worked at work, and at packing the house. It was my
clearing of the crap and boxing it all that made people think it
wasn’t just a pokey, junk filled old house, leading to two people
actually wanting the place, a bidding war and Gramps got two
thousand more than asking price. I still didn’t want to tell him, I
wasn’t afraid of him just I thought he would be disappointed in
me.

I slept very well, I had money, I had Sam’s baby and I was
enrolling university, in just over two weeks. I had every reason to
smile. Waking late, it was nearly dinnertime, I had a shower and
went for something to eat and I had an appetite to die for at last.
So made myself the mother of all breakfasts, it tasted great, the
bacon, the sausage the whole works, but unfortunately it didn’t
stay down long, I don’t think a big breakfast is for me, not
without the anti-queasy pills anyhow. Orange juice drank and toast
eaten, I showered, hugging my belly as I did, there really was a
baby in here, I changed and headed out. Walking, no skipping to the
residential home for my leaving party. I had made a home full of
old friends, they loved me and I loved them back, I definitely find
I get on better with oldies.

Joe was my favourite, we gelled on that first afternoon we
danced and because of it he spent days with Gramps, his new best
friend and most nights he’d end up having tea with us, walking with
me, watching me run from the wall. The nicest thing we did
together? Dancing on the sand at dusk, we loved it. All the fancy
moves of my upcoming dances were learnt. We had discussed Sam and
in detail and he said the lad was probably in deep shock he’d seen
it in the war, they called it shellshock, some sort of brain trauma
and I should not hold that day against him! I should go and look
for him, give him a chance to explain things first.

I made a beeline for Joe and I pulled him to one side and told
him of my news. He held me tightly, he was happy and upset for me
being on my own and he hugged me so damn tightly in his arms, it
felt so needed.

“Oh, my girl will you be all right?” I smiled.

“More than all right Pops, I’m really happy, I may not have
the love of my life back, but she is a part of him I get to keep,
she’s my always and forever.” He took my hand and danced with me.
“Please don’t tell my Grams and Gramps yet, no one else knows, you
are the only one I’ve told and for now the only one I trust, to
keep my secret, well for now. I need to get my head around it
first, what I am going to do next and for her future, there’s a
load of stuff to sort out, where do we live, and do I tell him?
Ouch Joe my headaches...”

“Well if you decide you want a place to live with a built in
babysitter, we will look at somewhere either here or in Stockton
and I have my home in London, say the word and I will have it
readied, you are not on your own and Gramps will be fine, he
couldn’t be anything less than proud of you. Now we need to keep
you safe and well, what a joy a baby! Hattie always wanted a child,
alas she couldn’t have one and now I get to be a part of my adopted
granddaughters! Shush Michelle please everything will be fine, you
will be fine.” I was held tightly as we danced.

“Thank you, I have to get home and see what awaits me there,
but now I go back not on my own and with something to live for, I
love him so much and for now she is what I have to focus on, that
and eating, I need food come on let’s see what sandwiches Gladys
has concocted, I liked the ham and jam thing she did.”

“Quite they were a little erm different, the peanut butter and
chicken ones were erm tasty? It was like having a satay, not quite
what I expected when I bit into it.” We laughed as the cook brought
out normal rolls for us to eat, but I stuck to Gladys’s ham and
jam. Weird yet strangely nice, and I kept them down, perhaps wacky
food is the way to go?

I had a wonderful night, Joe watched over me like a minder. I
gave them all hugs and left feeling on top of the world, I promised
to ring Joe as soon as I got back to Stockton, and I would ring him
each Saturday and discuss things and I had to promise him if I
needed anything I should call. I left with a handful of cards and
gifts unopened. I arrived home and put the gifts and cards, with
the ones I got from work yesterday. I carried the gifts to my
bedroom and started opening them. I had stockings by the packet
load, perfumes of all types, enough to open my own store.
Chocolates too many to eat, and the kids had given me hand drawn
cards. I opened the suitcase and put them in it. I sat and opened
the mass of cards.

Lizzy gave me my wages from dance. She had saved them weekly
and gave me one hundred and fifty pounds, and she refused to take
it back, saying because the oldies loved the dances so much, the
church group home now paid her very well for the now twice weekly
sessions. Which were now to be held in the home on their new
ballroom floor, less travel meant more could attend. I had over
sixty pounds from the oldies and many cards too. I had also gift
vouchers. I had in fact a lot to be thankful for this summer. I
climbed in bed and hugged Bump. I would write thank you cards
tomorrow. I looked at the little black and white photo and smiled.
A familiar tune was wafting through the air!

“All things are very bright and beautiful, thank you for the
song dear lady night-night!” I slept well again.

I finished all the packing up of the house and it actually
looked, so clean and tidy and bigger without all Grams crap in it.
Wednesday came, as did Aunty Helen and Uncle Preston to pick
Michael and I up, I did a walk through the house and kissed Grams
and Gramps goodbye and climbed in the car. I slept with my head in
Michael’s lap all the way home, they stopped for a while and Aunty
came to look at the rings Sam had given me. When she popped up to
use the loo. I was looking at them dreaming, remembering him down
on one knee I was given another much needed cuddle, as she put her
arm around me.

“They are beautiful, what are you going to do with them
Michelle?” I smiled.

“Keep them Aunt Helen, I need nice memories and they really
are so beautiful, and damn expensive. I could buy a small house,
for what they cost.” That could be a solution, should I need one.
She gave me a kiss and they left. I emptied my bags and put my
photo under the underwear in my top drawer and put back the rings.
I still wore my Claddagh ring, it never left my finger and my
locket was never off my neck. Emma’s ring on my finger too, that I
did want to keep, but as it was for her daughter, I would have to
send it back and soon. I went for a walk as I was on my own again.
Becks and JJ were with Aunty Liz and Uncle Joe in Jersey for a few
days.

Mum was around at Fat Pat’s because the nut job was home. I
heard her tell Franny a neighbour, that from my bedroom window,
Franny saw me smiled and waved, a nice woman with two son’s with
'problems,' so my mother, was taking the micky out of me, to the
wrong woman. She scuttled off, oh I can’t stop here not pregnant
and she, my baby isn’t being brought to this house with
her.

Dad was working; deep joy lay ahead of me telling him about
Bump. I ended up outside Sam’s house. It was different, the
curtains were different and there were children’s toys scattered
around outside. They had moved, I let out a deep sigh and headed
home. I wondered if Aunty had moved too? I could go and see her,
when I needed to find him. I still didn’t know if I wanted him to
know about our child. I didn’t want rejecting, not by him, not
again and I certainly didn’t want our child rejected
too.

I decided to go to dance class, I’m back a week earlier than I
had told them, and I had hoped to get a lesson in. The ones I’d had
at the village hall were good, but not to Lee’s high standards. The
studio was packed and there were more classes apparently and very
few vacancies, so I had a few more classes, I would be picking up
more nippers classes. I grabbed my rota, nothing this week but I
have three classes a week, Thursday Friday and Saturday morning,
great the money will come in for the things I will need for mine
and Bumps new home.

“Hello Michelle, nice holiday you look rested and
well-tanned.” It had been a nice summer my hair was now nearly
perfect, the sun kissed blonde ends were the great finishing
touch.

“I had a wonderful time thanks Mrs R. Here have a sugar
dummy.” I went to find Lee, he was teaching my nippers class, I
jumped into help.

“Michelle you look wonderful, the sea air agrees with you,
nose back at the grindstone, Sam’s here.” I turned my head in
double quick time. It was Samantha I had hoped it was my Sam. I
danced with the nippers for the rest of their lesson, Samantha ran
me through a couple of our new dances, not thinking anything of it,
she said I was excellent and Lee watched too, I was now having
private lessons. I didn’t want to dance with Ellie and besides she
was now teamed with Bitch-troll-ho,
Karen-Bloody-Manning.

“That’s great, are you coming to the social?” I looked into
her eyes for some sort of sign, had Sam been coming with her, did
they still come?

“Depends on who turns up.” She looked at me, her arms coming
in for a hug; my split from Sam was common knowledge, with Karen
taking full credit saying he chose her over me! Nobody who knew me,
believe that but her. I now wanted to kill, and because of Bump I
bloody couldn’t. Bummer.

“Sam hasn’t been near for months, not since before the exams
actually, his brother asked about you a few weeks ago, toy know
Jimmy? I told him you were back next week and we didn’t know where
you were!” I smiled thanked her for the lesson and the info on
Jimmy. I went to the locker room; bugger it I’m going to stop. I
looked okay I did my make up and put on a drop of Bill Blass and
went to sit down. I watched, as the room filled and in walked Karen
but no Sam! She had Harry on her arm. I decided against stopping, I
couldn’t be in the same room as her. She wasn’t with Sam after all
and I felt good about that nugget. I changed shoes and walked home,
I passed through the shopping centre and past The Frog, my name is
being called, my neck flicked around, shit I’m going to get
whiplash if I keep doing that!

“Michelle.” I looked in the direction of the shouting and shit
it was Paul who was heckling me from the door at the
pub.

“Oh hello you, are you drinking yourself stupid in there
then?” He wasn’t getting drunk he was already drunk.

“I didn’t know you were home, did you have a nice holiday
then? Did you manage to blow the cobwebs away?” Shit he had
remembered the cobwebs!

“I did indeed, but I’m still not in need of a fella Paul.” He
asked if I wanted a drink.

“Just one and please make it a straight coke, I can’t drink
alcohol.” Andy was at the bar when I went for a drink and I looked
around hoping to see Sam.

“Hello stranger, are you all right?” He blanked me. “What have
I done now, I’ve not been here for bloody months?” He looked at me
with hate in his eyes when he spotted Paul, not the cleverest move
coming in here with Paul. It was awful, shit why did I say yes and
in here of all places?

“Sam had a bad accident months ago, he fell down the stairs at
Ridgley’s and has been in hospital and he’s moved to Spain to get
away from this place and you, is that far enough or perhaps he
needs to move further?” I looked at him, with panic and horror on
my face.

“Is he all right now Andy, please tell me he is all right?”
Nothing but hate in his eyes, no answers either, I was losing the
plot with him and his smug face and pigeon eyes.

“Oh whatever Andrew, he is safe wherever he is, he made it
clear I wasn’t wanted and I now know how far he will go to get away
from me. So yes sodding Spain is far enough, you’re still a fucking
nightmare Andy, you caused all this! Why though I have never hurt
you, you need some serious fucking help.” I flounced out of the pub
as Paul followed me.

“Are you okay Michelle, you look mad as hell?” I thanked him
for the drink.

“I’ve got to get home, I don’t feel well, being pregnant
doesn’t agree with me at all.” He looked at me.

“You’re pregnant? The baby, is it Sam’s?” I looked at him shit
with the anger that just slipped out.

“Correct on both counts. I am having my ex‘s baby and he’s in
Spain.” He looked at me in disgust.

“You’re just the same as all the other tarts out there,
whoring and sleeping around and getting knocked up, your nothing
more than a common tart and that’s a bastard in there, did you come
on to me so I could be the baby’s daddy? No fucking way your used
goods.” I was shocked! Really he asked me for the cobweb talk, he’s
nuttier than a marathon bar that lad,

“Well it’s a good job you didn’t manage a fumble on the market
stalls then asshole, thanks for the drink I need an early night,
and hope I don’t see you again, give me some credit, my baby
doesn’t need a thug and arseholed drunk as her dad, you never could
and never will fill Sam’s shoes ever!”

He marched off he is really quite weird and very strange. I
must just attract strange, weird people, old and dead people into
my life. One thing for sure, I was going to be bringing my baby up
alone now, there was no Sam. I put my arms around my belly
comforting myself. I went to the bistro on my way home, and got a
few things for my tea, I was starving.