A Life More Complete (35 page)

“Let it go, Krissy. He didn’t mean
anything by it.” Her voice is meek, but her soulful eyes meet mine.

“Please don’t pretend to know what I
deal with every day, the last thing I want or need is pity. So look at it this
way, paying for my meal at Cracker Barrel isn’t going to suddenly change the
bullshit that’s become my life, but thanks anyway.” I walk away and I’m crying
before I even hit the parking lot.

I pull my phone from my purse sending
Maizey a quick text to apologize for my behavior. I know none of this is their
fault, yet I can’t help but blame them for claiming what should have been mine
all along. I wanted the happy family, but they found it when it was the last
thing Rachel or Maizey were seeking. I’m constantly looking for something that
might have passed me by or I just might be seeking happiness with the wrong
person. Maybe it’s that obvious.

I shower quickly and climb into the
foreign bed knowing it will be hours before I fall asleep. It’s times like this
that I wish I could pop two sleeping pills and watch the world fade into a
fuzzy oblivion. But baby comes first, and surprisingly, thinking about the
little nugget eases my anxiety and lulls me to sleep.

The next morning I shuffle down to
the lobby in my sleeping attire and a pair of gym shoes taking in the free
breakfast of powdered eggs and rubbery bacon. Surprisingly it doesn’t taste as
nasty as I gathered from the looks on the peoples’ faces that are sitting near
me. I grab a free newspaper and read the latest headlines from the Naperville
Sun. It’s been drizzling pretty steadily and the temperature has been topping
out at a whopping sixty degrees, typical for May in Naperville. I look out the
large sliding glass door that leads to the parking lot as it whooshes open and
close with busy holiday travelers leaving for an early start. Finally, the rain
has halted and the sky is a deep shade of pink. There may be some hope for a
decent day.

I toss my plate in the garbage and
grab a stale cheese Danish to go. Looking down at my phone as I make my way
back to my room I nearly run into Kevin coming down the hallway.

“Sorry,” I say giggling. “This damn
thing,” holding up my phone, “gets me every time. Such a distraction.” I try to
move past Kevin but he stills me with his hand on my arm.

“Do you have a minute?” he asks.

“Do I look like I’m going anywhere
dressed like this?” I ask, wearing a pair of old Cubs jogging pants with the
bottoms cut off and a t-shirt with no bra.

Kevin laughs slightly before
gesturing for me to head back toward the lobby. We take a seat at a small table
for two near the exit of the hotel. I drop the Danish on the table with a small
thud. Both of us glancing down at it before Kevin asks, “Are you really going
to eat that?” His face looking rather distraught at the thought.

“Probably. I’m not as picky as I used
to be since getting pregnant. When I’m hungry I eat.” I shrug my shoulders.

“It’s your stomach,” he says
jokingly.

“So Kevin, I know you asked me to
join you but, I’d like to apologize for last night. My behavior was out of line
and it was inappropriate for me to be so rude when you were just trying to be
nice. Please understand that it was in no way a reflection as to how I feel
about you or Maizey.”

“No apology necessary,” he says
kindly. “I wanted to talk to you while Courtney isn’t around.” I always find it
strange to hear someone use her given name. It’s been over fifteen years since
Rachel or I have called her that and it still stops me when I hear it. “I love
her and she loves you which is why I’m sitting here.” I nod completely
understanding where this is heading. “It’s killing her to watch you like this. If
anyone is non-judgmental it’s her. Give her a chance. Let her in. You just
might find she knows where you’re coming from.”

“Thanks Kevin. I appreciate it,” I
reply looking down at my rock hard cheese Danish that suddenly seems rather
gross.

“Whatever you do, please don’t eat
that Danish, if only for the safety of my future niece or nephew. He smiles as
he rises from his chair momentarily squeezing my hand before he walks away.

Back in my room I’m struggling to
button my jeans as I lay on the bed sucking in my stomach that just won’t seem
to go flat like it once did. I’m already working up a sweat wiggling and
shimmying on the rumpled sheets when someone knocks on the door. I stand, reconciled
to leaving the jeans unbuttoned, as I yank my sweater down over my pudgy belly.

I find Maizey standing outside the
door with a smile on her face. “You wanna go to the outlet mall in Aurora?” She
looks down at my pants that are stretched to an extreme. “I think it’s high
time you bought some pants that fit.”
       

“I know. I thought I’d at least get a
few more weeks out of my clothes, but shit, I’m miserable.” I pull my sweater
down since it’s rolling up again.

“Stop crushing that baby,” she says
poking my belly. “Kevin and Paul are spending the day golfing and then heading
into the city for the Sox game. I figured we could spend the day together since
we’re missing our fun filled weekend.”

“Sure. Rachel coming?” I ask.

“Yep. She should be ready in a few minutes.
I’m gonna grab my purse. I’ll knock when I’m ready.”

“Sounds good.” I close the door and
pull my sweater over my head. I quickly change into a loose fitting t-shirt and
I tie a fleece around my waist somewhat masking the unbuttoned pants and the muffin
top.

After an hour at the mall Rachel has
bought a Coach purse and two dresses from J.Crew when we make our way over to
the maternity store. Maizey suggests going in to buy at least one pair of pants
that will not leave an indentation in the baby’s head. Rachel ditches us
heading into another store across the way.

“What about these?” Maizey asks
holding up a pair of jeans that look strikingly similar to the ones I have my
butt currently crammed in.

“Perfect. Grab a 27 and a 28. I’m
going to take a look up front.” I pull a few basic tanks and a couple of tunics
from the rack and meet up with Maizey by the fitting rooms. Tossing the items
onto the bench, Maizey flops down onto the floor leaning up against the wall. I
begin to peel my jeans down but they get stuck around my hips. Working a little
harder they give and I toss them onto Maziey’s lap. I grab the first pair of
jeans in the size 27 and slip them on. They are much looser than my current
pants, but I can see how in a few months these too will look as if I painted
them on.

“Better,” Maizey agrees, “but I think
you gotta go with the bigger size, so that you’re not doing this again in two
or three months.”

“It’s like wearing pajamas,” I say
pulling at the elastic waistband on the pants. “I could get used to this.”

I pay for two tanks and the jeans,
which I end up wearing out of the store. They are far more comfortable than
pouring myself into my ill-fitting skinny girl jeans sans button.

“I’m starving,” I tell Maizey. “I’m
going to get a pretzel. Do you want anything?”

“No, I’m fine. Go ahead. I’ll wait
for Rachel,” she says taking a seat on a bench outside the maternity store. Meeting
back up with her a few minutes later with a pretzel and lemonade in hand I sit
down next to her. The silence between us begins to wear thin and now I know it
must be a family trait to need to fill the silence.

“You know you don’t have to stay with
him, right?” Maizey asks looking straight ahead. “He doesn’t deserve you. I’ve
always liked Tyler, but I think I have an idealized view of him. He came into
my life when I really needed someone to care for me and he was that person. But
my view on a lot of things has changed. You and I were young. It’s hard to see
things for what they really are when you’re young. He’s always been a jerk, but
there were times when he made you happy. He doesn’t anymore.” She stops there, reaches
over and pulls a piece of pretzel from my hand. Taking a bite she looks at me
expecting something profound.

Reconciled, I sigh, “I don’t know
what to say anymore. We have history and I have faith that I made the right
choice. I know everything isn’t the way it should be, but I can’t give up on
him. I wish I could.”

“I understand. I’ve been there. When
your mother kicks you out at seventeen you do what you have to just to get by. That’s
why I stayed with the first Kevin as long as I did. He took me in when I needed
it and I thought it was love. You’ll reach your breaking point. Pressure from
me or Rachel or Gia won’t make you leave. You have to do it on your own. Just know
I’ll be here when you finally break.”

She finishes just as Rachel walks up
carrying an obscene amount of bags and a huge grin on her face.

“Cleaned the place out,” she says
proudly.

“Poor Paul. Does he have any idea
what he got himself into?” I ask, shaking my head at her. My phone vibrates in
my purse and I dig through it as if I’m searching for a diamond ring someone
tossed in there. I pull it from my bag with too much force and far too much
excitement. It’s hard to hide and both of my sisters look at me with interest.

“Important call?” Rachel asks. I don’t
answer as I click on the most recent text message. My heart is beating against
my chest with such force that I feel like it might finally give way. This would
be the first time that Tyler has contacted me after an argument and I feel like
this is the moment I’ve been waiting for. A breakthrough. I’m not that lucky.

Ben: Just heard about your dad. I’m so sorry for your loss. Call if you
need anything.

Rolling my eyes, I want to slap
myself for even thinking that there was the possibility that Tyler would
actually admit wrong doing. I feel like a complete moron for allowing my
sisters to see my excitement. I text him back.

Me: Thanks. It’s been strange. Shopping with my sisters right now.

Within seconds he responds,

Ben: Sorry about the thing with Melinda. I don’t know what I was
thinking. I never meant to hurt you.

Me: No reason to apologize. You’re free to date whomever you want. I just
wish she’d said something. A bit of a shocker.

Ben: I wasn’t thinking. It should have never happened.

Me: No biggie.

Trying to play aloof in text is much
easier than in person. I can’t tell him that him dating Melinda devastated me.

Ben: I hope you’re doing ok. I imagine this is hard on you.

Me: No. I’m over the you and Mel thing.

Ben: No, your dad.

I shake my head. Sometimes I’m so
dumb.

Me: Oh, yeah. It’s tough. But I’ll be ok. Thanks for asking.

Ben: No problem. Take care.

The thought crosses my mind to tell
Ben that I’m alone, but that just seems like I’m leading him to say something
bad about Tyler. I already know he’s a better person than Tyler. At this point,
anyone is a better person than Tyler. I let it go and when I look up from my
phone my sisters are staring at me.

“Was that him?” Rachel asks almost
shocked.

“Are you kidding me? No.” I reply indignantly.
I begin to walk toward the car with Rachel and Maziey whispering behind me. I
speed up my pace as if I can get away from them. I’m about to be trapped in the
car with them so I might as well face it. I turn around just before reaching
the car.

“Go ahead, Rachel. Say it. I know you
want to. Tell me what a dick Tyler is and that I should leave him. Badger the
shit out me. Just get it over with.”

“Fine!” she screams. Shouting in a
mall parking lot with my sister has a very Jerry Springer feel to it. “You’re
so damn busy worrying about his feelings. How he feels, protecting him,
defending him. When’s he going to reciprocate? When will he save you? The
kicker is, he won’t! You’re the only one who can’t see it. He’s got you all
wound up waiting for him. This is exactly what he wants. It’s a game to him. You’ll
never win!”

Everything she says is true and I
wish I could admit it and leave him. How did I end up in this situation? Desperation,
that’s the only word to describe how I got where I am right now. Frantically I
scramble into the car to avoid anymore looks from the quiet, shopping patrons
that paused to check out the show taking place in the parking lot. I want to
fight back, but I don’t have it in me anymore.

“Please stop reminding me.” My voice
is soft and sad. “I’ll figure this out. I just need time. I understand what
this looks like to you. I know I look desperate. I look like a loser. I get it.
This isn’t me.”

After several long minutes of
excruciating silence my voice cracks through making it impossible for us to
ignore each other any longer. We’ll sweep it under the rug. It’s what we do
best and we learned from the best, our mother. Whenever there was any kind of
turmoil, whether it was an argument between my mother and Tom or between my sisters
and me, we always fled from it mid-fight, leaving it to fester only to emerge
eventually as if nothing happened. There was never any resolve. It would stay
buried until the next blow up. Today is nothing different.