A Life More Complete (46 page)

Rachel and Maizey loved her to excess,
too much, I felt at times, Rachel especially. When Page was six months old,
Rachel began telling her that God made her look just like her Aunt Rachel because
he knew she would never have children. Page’s big blue eyes and bright blonde Shirley
Temple curls did resemble Rachel, but I couldn’t bear to break Rachel’s heart
and remind her of what Page’s father looked like. Same toe-head blonde curls,
unruly and disheveled. It took bottles of “No More Tangles” just to run a brush
through it, but it never mattered to me that she resembled him. I loved him
through her. I had no other choice. People would stop me on the street and
comment on her hair. Pushing her in the stroller as she smiled up at the
strangers cooing in her face and patting her messy, tousled hair. They’d ask, “Where
did she get those beautiful blonde curls?” and all I could say was, “her
father.” These people would look at the man standing next to me and smile. That’s
really all they could do.

The year wasn’t only hard because of
my return to work but because of my divorce. My divorce from Tyler was made
final just one month following Page’s first birthday. I stood in court alone
even though Ben insisted he join me. I needed to go it alone, but when I
reviewed the amended divorce decree and under the section labeled Legal Minor
Child, Tyler had checked the box that said “Wavier of Parental Rights”. I
leaned over and threw up in the wastebasket that sat next to the small round
table I was sitting at with my lawyer. I didn’t understand how he could hate
her. He didn’t even know her. I signed the paperwork; the judge stamped it and
that was the end. He was out of our lives for good. Part of me always thought
he would come to his senses, maybe grow up enough to realize what he was
missing out on, but it obviously never happened.

I crossed paths with him once when
Page was about three years old. We were rushing through downtown Los Angeles,
on the way to a music class I had signed her up for. I parked in a parking
garage a few blocks from the storefront that housed the music class, which I
had forgotten was also the street where Tyler’s office was still located. Tossing
her in the stroller, I walked quickly out onto the sidewalk, my hair whipped
into a messy pile on the top of my head, a headband holding back the loose
strands. I was wearing a pair of cut-offs and a fitted tank stretched across my
pregnant belly as I nearly ran him down with the stroller. I remember
apologizing, but after taking in his face I brushed past without a second look.
He was dressed in a suit and had a cigarette hanging from the right side of his
mouth. He never looked down at the little girl in the stroller and I’m not sure
how I would’ve responded if he had. I didn’t give him a chance to speak nor do
I think he would have. He should’ve been embarrassed by his easy out, but
knowing Tyler he saw it as a strategic move. Trini bailed on him shortly after
I filed for divorce, leaving him heart broken and devastated according to the
tabloids. I found that hard to believe because he’s incapable of feeling.

I married Ben when Page was two and
we went on to have three boys. Our life was crazy, but I was crazy in love with
him. I quit my job shortly after Page turned two and went to work for Ben. His
company was now my company, which would become our children’s one day. Looking
back on it now, as cliché as it sounds, I wouldn’t change a thing knowing this
is where I ended up. Everyone says I should hate Tyler, but I don’t. I got the
best thing from him—Page. I know one day there will come a time when she’ll
ask about him and I want to be able to tell her that I loved him. That she was
conceived out of love and was never a mistake or an accident in my eyes. And
that she has a father who loves her more than his other three children,
something he’ll never admit to, but everyone knows is true. I don’t want either
of them hurt in this process of self-discovery that will one day take place. I
never hid it from Page that Ben adopted her, but I also wasn’t entirely
forthcoming with the information I shared. My heart aches for her and for what
is to come in the future. It may be premature for me to worry about what may
come, but I’m a mother and that’s what I do. Until then, I have to have faith
that I made the right choice. I chose to love deeply. I chose to follow those
words that somehow failed me in the past. Love makes a family.

I owe a world of thank
you to more people in my life than I ever have before.

First, thank you to
Mick Bockstruck, my amazingly talented graphic designer. (
www.bockstruck.net
)
Without your patience and talent, my cover would have never been as beautiful.
It’s perfect! Have I told you how much I love it? Well, I do!

Next, Natasha, (
www.natashaisabookjunkie.com
)
one of the few people who believed in me without giving it a second thought.
Thank you for taking a chance on me, loving my book as much as I do and for
promoting it like your life depended on it. I owe you more than you’ll ever
know. But the best part, you’ve become an awesome friend. I can’t imagine my
life without you.

Julie, thank you for
being the best beta reader around. I’m so glad you spent four years in college
only to find yourself unemployed and living with your parents. The time and
effort you devoted to helping me is unmatched. Love you, darling!

Aunt Jill, you were
with me from the beginning and you encouraged me like no one else. Thank you so
much for reading my book many times over, for correcting my mistakes and for
just listening to me when I needed it. Your wisdom never ceases to amaze me.
Love you!

Natalie, thank you for
coming along and reassuring me that I wasn’t crazy. You showed up just when I
needed a friend who understood the stress of writing and self-publishing a
book. It’s easy to forget not to take things personally, but you remind me not
to, daily. I reckon you’re pretty great.

My work girls, you know
who you are. Thanks for believing in me, supporting me and never commenting on
the fact that I looked like I was running on three hours of sleep. I owe you
cupcakes for the rest of your lives.

My mom and dad. The
perfect balance of kind and strict. Without both of you, this dream would have
never been possible because in all honesty, I’m quite lazy. You always kept me
moving forward. Dad, thanks for being the coolest guy I’ll ever know. I love
you both.

Last, but certainly not
least, my wonderful husband BJ. There are so many things I need to thank you
for. Thank you for always believing in me even when I was bordering on the edge
of crazy. For always picking up the slack, for loving me and our boys with all
your heart and for never once thinking I couldn’t do it. Without you I’d be
lost. Your love and support mean everything to me. Oh yeah, and sorry you had
to watch the 2012 Summer Olympics on our small, non-HD television in our
bedroom. I love you!

*I also must give
credit to Alex for the use of his term, “glutard”. Thanks!