A Glimpse of the Dream (21 page)

A warmth burned down my spine, drawing me from my thoughts, as I saw Kane walking down the lane. Zeus was with him, guiding him as Kane held on to the loop of the leather harness. My eyes burned at the sight—Kane was blind. I still hadn’t fully gotten my head around that, but there was a healthy dose of pride burning in me too, because, despite what had befallen him, here he was walking down the lane. Had it been me, I don’t know if I would have bounced back as well. Why
was
Kane walking down the lane? Was he looking for me? The thought was intoxicating.

Zeus barked as they approached, right before Kane said, “Tea?”

He was calling me Tea again; my heart swelled. “Yeah. How did you know where to find me?”

“Zeus found you.”

Smart dog. “Handsome
and
clever.”

The slightest of grins curved Kane’s lips. “Zeus or me?”

“Both.”

“Do you have a minute?”

“Yeah. I was just walking. I went to see Mrs. Marks earlier. They’re going to hold her for a few more days. She’s not quite herself; I think she may have had more than a heart attack.”

Concern clouded his expression. “Why do you say that?”

“She’s just out of it—not forming words, struggling with trying to communicate and not being able to. I don’t know, she’s just off.”

“Last time I was there, she was sleeping,” Kane said.

I wanted to know if he’d like to go with me to see her, but I didn’t let myself ask. He needed to make the next move, even knowing how much it would mean to Mrs. Marks to see the two of us together.

“You said I needed to make the first move. I want to make that move, Tea. I just don’t know if I’ll ever be the guy you deserve.”

“You already are.”

“I’m not, though. You loved the boy I was. He’s gone. The man in his place is bitter and angry. He can’t support himself the way he would like to and is constantly depending on others. He’s not much of a man.”

“Seems harsh. You can’t see; it’s a challenge, yes, that you need to rely on people more than you would like, but I don’t see how that makes you less of a man.”

“I lost the keys for the boat once. It took me two hours to find them.”

“You have people around you who, had you asked, would have helped you.”

“I shouldn’t need help finding fucking keys.”

“Again, you’re blind. Asking for help doesn’t make you helpless.”

“The fuck it doesn’t.”

“And that is where we disagree. You need to get past that, Kane, for your own sake, because you are always going to need help with something. Most people do. Why you see that as a weakness, I don’t know. You lost those keys, and yet you can drive that boat by yourself from the island to here. You sought me out and found me despite being blind.”

“Zeus found you.”

“But you walked from the beach here, yes? Nothing remarkable for a sighted person, but you are not a sighted person anymore. I didn’t even realize you were blind, even though I had seen you several times. You get around incredibly well for someone who can’t see.”

“How did you put it together?”

“I overheard your conversation with Mrs. T and watched as you got yourself a glass of milk.”

Another grin. “You and the eavesdropping.”

He was referring to our youth when I’d listened in on his conversation with Camille. “I only seem to do it when it relates to you.”

“I lied when I said I didn’t want to try.”

Hope stirred.

“I just don’t know where to go from here,” he added.

“Well, that makes two of us.”

“And I’m . . .” His head dropped, his shoulders slumped, and I knew what he was thinking. He was afraid, afraid to let me in, afraid to share the darkness with someone, because in doing so he would grow to need me. Which meant that losing me would destroy him.

“I’m not going to leave you.”

“I’m not the boy I was.” His words were barely audible.

“I’m not the girl I was.” I didn’t want to ask. I almost couldn’t get the words out, but I had to know: “Do you still love me?”

He looked up, his eyes aflame. “Never stopped, Tea. Mine forever, remember?”

Relief washed over me, so profound my legs nearly buckled under me. “Then give us a chance.”

We had just reached the house.

“Will you come upstairs with me?” I asked.

He hesitated, but I saw the answer before he nodded. Taking his hand, we started up the stairs. Zeus, realizing he wasn’t needed, went in search of food. I heard Mrs. T greeting him. We reached my room; he stepped into it a few paces farther than me.

“We can sit on the balcony,” I suggested, and he moved to it like he knew exactly where he was going.

“How did you do that?”

“I stayed here after the fire and memorized the room.”

Settling next to him on the little sofa, I asked. “How long did it take for you to heal?”

“Four years, closer to five.”

“Do you still feel pain?”

“No, the nerves are dead. It looks awful, but I feel nothing.”

“I don’t think it looks awful.”

He obviously didn’t agree, but he said nothing. I wanted to ask him about the fire and his recovery, but I just didn’t think he would tell me. Avoiding it completely seemed rude, so I said, “If you ever want to talk about that time in your life, I would really like to hear it.”

Nodding his head, so I knew he’d heard me, he still remained silent.

“Mr. Clancy mentioned you had been working with an architect back in the day, and that was the reason you didn’t join me right away when I left for Boston.”

“Yeah, I wanted to surprise you.”

“I love the house. It’s exactly as I saw it every time we discussed it.”

“I never saw it built, but the plans were perfect.”

“I love the window boxes.”

“Are they like the ones your dad hung for your mom?”

They were far nicer, because Kane had hung them for me. “Better.”

“I don’t think there’s anything in them, so if you want to add flowers, that would be nice,” he said.

“I’d like that.”

He turned toward the view, his shoulders sagging a little. “I missed you, Tea. No, that’s not a fair statement. That day when I called and told you I had found someone else, my spirit died right along with yours. There’s never been anyone else for me but you.”

I wiped at my damp cheeks. “It’s only ever been you for me. I tried to move on, tried to put you in the past like I thought you had done with me, but I never could. No one ever measured up. I didn’t want second best.”

“We lost a lot of time. Do you think we still have a chance?”

“I love you. You love me. Yeah, I think we have a better chance than most. You just can’t be afraid to reach for it, though I understand your hesitation,” I said softly. “You’ve been through a lot and, even though we’ve lost so much time, you’re still finding your way back. Maybe now I can be at your side while you figure it out.”

“I’d like that. We always were better together than apart,” he said.

“True.”

He stood and put some distance between us, his hands coming to rest on the balcony railing. I moved to join him, and, sensing me, he turned in my direction as I approached. I needed to see his scars, needed him to know they didn’t disturb me. Because he knew me so well, he knew what I wanted when I simply asked, “Kane. Could you remove your shirt?”

After a slight hesitation, he lifted his shirt over his head. When I saw his beautiful scarred skin, tears stung the back of my eyes, but I didn’t see anything ugly. Just the opposite.

“You’re beautiful, Kane. I hate what you went through, hate that I wasn’t there, but you are still as beautiful as you were when we were kids. You are not a burned freak, you’re mine. My Kane, remember?” My fingers ran over his scars, causing his body to tense. His eyes closed, and I realized that he hadn’t known the touch of a woman since me. And in that moment, all the men I had been with, the men I had used to bury my pain, every one of them felt like a betrayal to him. The tears just kept coming, but it didn’t stop me from pressing my lips to him, over the skin that was lasting proof of all he had given up to help another. His hands fisted at his sides.

“Touch me, Kane.”

Always so sure when they were on me, his hands were now reluctant, hesitant. Taking them into mine, I lifted them to my face. “It’s still me.”

His fingers gently traced me, learning me again: a delicate brush over my cheeks, lips, jaw. Feeling his touch again, my eyes closed. The emptiness that nothing ever seemed to fill no longer felt so vast.

“So fucking beautiful,” he whispered.

Lifting up on my toes, my mouth found his—a brushing of lips until his arms wrapped around me, pulling me close as he took the kiss deeper. His tongue ran over mine, tasting me, remembering, reclaiming. He pulled away from me to lift my shirt over my head, and my bra followed. His hands moved over me, touching me in that way that always made my body ache. His thumbs brushed over my nipples, his mouth moving to my neck and shoulder before meeting his fingers. His tongue flicked me, then he closed his mouth over one of those aching peaks and pulled it deep into his mouth.

Mindless with need, my fingers worked the snap of his jeans. I couldn’t believe I was feeling him under my fingers, couldn’t believe I was tasting him again. When he lifted me into his arms, neither of us saw my shirt; his toes must have gotten caught on it, and he fell on top of me so hard all the air was forced from my lungs. I couldn’t draw a breath. When his hands reached for me, they were shaking.

“Tea, are you okay?”

I couldn’t answer because I couldn’t breathe. I reached for his hands, but he knew something was wrong.

“What’s wrong? Jesus fucking Christ, Tea. Talk to me.”

I had never heard him so scared; he was shaking and yet he was furious. Air was slowly pushing into my lungs, and after a few minutes, I was finally able to speak, but he was practically mindless with worry and anger.

“I’m okay. Just had the wind knocked out of me.”

“Fuck! What are you doing? I can’t even carry you to the bed without causing you harm.”

He stood then and moved away from me.

“It’s going to take some time for both of us to adjust, but we can do this.”

“What happens if we’re swimming and you start to drown? How the fuck do I save you if I can’t even see you? What would happen if we ever had a child who got hurt, and I couldn’t find them? You’re not getting a man, you’re getting an invalid.”

“Stop hiding.”

“I’m not hiding, I’m being practical. My life has limits now. Yours doesn’t have to.”

“Don’t pretend you don’t want me with you. You built our home. I’m not giving up, Kane. I’m not ever going to give up on us.” Reaching for my bra and shirt, I dressed, my body aching but my heart aching more.

He turned from me, his beautiful scarred back and neck the vicious reminder of how everything was different now, how he was different, and how I was too. Different enough that I might not ever get my Kane back, but I didn’t care. I wanted him in any way I could have him. Grabbing his shirt from the floor, I pressed it into his hands. “I’ll send Zeus up.”

I started for the door but glanced at him from over my shoulder. “Love you, Kane.” His shoulders tensed, the only reason I knew he had heard me before I walked away.

Kane

I listened to Tea’s soft footsteps fade. Jesus, I could have really fucking hurt her. I hated being blind, hated the impotence more than the damn scars. Jerking my tee back over my head, I heard Zeus’s nails clipping on the wood.

I should be in her bed right now, buried in her, feeling her around me, hearing her come. Instead I’d knocked the fucking air from her lungs. She was right, we both needed to adapt, but the thought of unintentionally hurting her—fuck. I hadn’t, not this time. And if she were willing to take the chance, knowing she was the one likely to get hurt, I’d be the fucking coward she’d called me if I pulled away, knowing I wanted her more than anything.

And as much as I would like to claim that my knee-jerk reaction of pulling away from her was all in the name of wanting the best for her, it would have been a lie. I
was
a bit selfish and vain, because I wanted her to see me as a man, not as a blind man. And as unfair as it was for me to feel it, I hated that Tea was more careful around me now. It was subtle but undeniable. Like coming to me to ask me to dinner instead of just calling. I knew she was trying to be helpful, that she was offering to assist me because I was blind. But I was trying to prove to her that I was still capable, which was negated every time she put my blindness between us.

I couldn’t help but smile, though. She really had accepted without question the man I was now, and she still wanted to be with me. Suddenly my conviction of not wanting to force my life on her fell flat. She was right, the choice had been hers, and denying her that choice had been the height of selfishness on my part. And yet, even knowing I had put both of us through hell, separating us when we could have weathered the tragedy so much better together, a part of me still believed I had done the right thing. Knowing how strongly it had affected Mrs. Marks and the others being forced to watch my recovery, I think it would have been even harder on Tea. In fact, I think it would have been so hard on her it would have scarred her permanently, which would have forever altered our relationship. How would she be able to look at me and not see where I had been and just how far I had sunk? In the end, I think reconnecting with her as the man I was now, damaged and altered but not broken, gave us a better chance at rekindling what we’d had.