A Four Letter Word (21 page)

Before I can respond, he whisks me over to the couch and wraps a blanket around me. His hands slide up and down my arms, trying to warm me up. I snuggle into the blanket—it smells like him.

"Better?" he asks as his hands stop and he pulls away.

My body says no, but my mouth says, "Better."

"Do you need anything? Can I get you anything? You're sure everything is okay, right? He didn't…"

"I'm fine, Evan, really. I just…I just needed to, um…to um, talk to you about something." I think the mutant butterflies just declared an all-out war on my stomach.

"And it couldn't wait until…I don't know, a time when the sun was up?" he teases.

"No, it couldn't wait." My tone is serious.

Evan hears it. "Okay."

I wrap the blanket tighter around me, not because I'm cold anymore, and not because it smells like him and I need that closeness because I fear it may the last time I am this close to him, but because it keeps me together and doesn't let all the emotion spill out of me. This is it.
The moment of truth. Why am I doing this again?

We all see it—that man loves you.

Patrick and Geoffrey's words come back to me and swirl around in my skull.

"
Zoey, you okay?" When I look back, he is so concerned. His hand reaches out to me, and that's when I notice I'm trembling.

"Yeah.
Just still trying to warm up. I'll…I'll be fine. I am fine," I reassure him and myself.

"I've got something warmer you can put on. Let me just get…" he starts to insist.

I reach my hand out and stop him from getting up. "I'm really fine. Please just…just give me a sec, okay?"

He nods and sits back down.

I briefly close my eyes, and behind my eyelids I see my cheering section: Ashlee, Patrick, and Geoffrey. Their mouths move with no sound, but I can still make out what they're cheering, "You can do it. Jump. J-U-M-P. JUMP!"

And I do…I decide to jump.

I clear my throat and open my eyes. Evan's warm face is before me. His eyes show me everything I've ever known. He's my friend, he cares, in some way he loves me. He's here, and he always will be.

I jump.

"Um, when…when we first got assigned as lab partners, I don't think I ever told you I wasn't too thrilled," I begin.

Evan smiles a goofy smile, putting me further at ease.

"I had heard the rumors that you were this big huge jerk, and of course I believed them, until I actually got to know you. You weren't Evan the jerk, you became Evan the nice guy, the one person who I felt safe and close to, the one person I could always count on. You became my best friend." My eyes start to burn, and I feel a lump starting to climb its way up my throat.

I take a deep breath. I jump a little higher—a little further. Evan’s smile softens and turns into my favorite. He nods, just letting me know he understands and he's still listening.

I clear my throat and continue. "The more I got to know you, um, my feelings for you grew and changed. The love I had for you as just my best friend turned into…well…just love." I pause and advert my eyes to a very fascinating piece of fuzz on the blanket.

I am jumping higher than I ever thought possible—I am soaring, floating and flying through the air, desperately hoping I have a parachute. "I…I always knew that you never felt the same…
couldn't…wouldn't feel the same. So…so I pushed down those feelings and locked them away. I wasn't settling for just being your friend…I was…I was happy just to have you in my life, no matter what."

I take a deep breath and release it. Still free falling. "Sure, I went out with guys, and none of those relationships ever worked out. At first…at first I never understood why, until recently…" I look up, and Evan's gaze penetrates my soul.

His eyes glisten.

I
advert my eyes back to the most interesting piece of fuzz again. "I…I realized…that…that they could never measure up to…you."

"
Zo—" Evan starts.

I look up at him, my hand abandoning the fuzz, poised and telling him to just wait. "Let me…let me finish, okay?"

He nods.

I continue.
"Silly, right? I never knew I was doing it until tonight…really. Something weird happened. Ashlee says I had a glimpse of what my future could be. Maybe she's right. But either way, it was weird. Like Twilight Zone weird."

I feel like I need to move around. I just can't sit across from him anymore. I need to move. I get up from the couch with the blanket still wrapped around me and begin to just walk aimlessly around his living room. Evan stays on the couch. He just sits and listens as I start again.

"I started dating Griffin. And…and things got serious. He asked me to marry him. I said yes. You couldn't, or wouldn't, except the fact that Griffin was the one and decided you wouldn't be at my wedding. Only you were. You came as I was getting ready and told me…told me you loved me." I take a deep breath, and that's when I notice I am standing in front of his bookcase. Every shelf is covered with an array of picture frames—each containing a picture of someone that means something to Evan. My eyes take them all in, and that's when I notice most of them are pictures with me in them—either alone, with Evan, or with our friends. But I'm there—a lot. I really never noticed before. Could they be right?

I pick up the picture of Evan and me at our high school graduation. I'm glaring up at him as he has me in a mock headlock. The smile on his face is infectious. My eyes well up with tears, and few manage to escape and stream down my face. My finger delicately traces the two of us. I take a deep breath and try to forget he's in the room. I'm spiraling into nothingness, the bottom far below.

"I…I told you it was too late, that I had loved you and had waited for you to say those words, but…but it was too late. I told you to leave. I thought you had, but when I turned around, you were there and you kissed me. And that's when I knew…that's when I had to tell you the one thing I've been afraid to all these years. The one thing I've kept hidden from you. The one thing that can and will change everything between us…" I pause and steady myself.

I gently place the frame down and grip the blanket tighter. The bottom flies up at me. I finish jumping.

"I love you, Evan. Always have, and I always will. And I know you don't…"

What's that expression? Life imitates art?

Life…my life…is imitating my weirdo, flashy, futuristic art. Because just as the words leave my mouth, I turn around, and standing before me is Evan. Just like he did in my future flashy thing. I stop breathing. I stop blinking. I just stop. This is it. Either I am going to crash land. Or I am going to soar up…up…up…yet again. Evan's hand reaches out, and his fingers tenderly grip my chin, angling my face towards his. His breath fans across my face. I'm frozen. I'm terrified. He leans in. Closer. Closer. Closer. His lips twitch. My heart pounds in my chest. My stomach is under a full out nuclear attack by those mutant butterflies. Evan's lips are on mine and I soar. It's tender. Soft. Perfect. Better than art. Reality is so much better. Our lips slowly move together. There's no urgency. There's only time. My flesh breaks out in a billion gazillion goose bumps. I'm soaring. Jumping again.

Higher.

Higher.

Higher.

I feel as though I am reaching the sun—wrapped in warm goodness. Evan—my best friend—is kissing me. He's kissing me. He kissed me after I told him I love him. I can't help the smile that threatens to end our first kiss. Slowly but surely, it overpowers me, and I smile—big, huge. Evan smiles too. He minutely pulls away and just stares into me. Deep into me. I feel him consume every inch of me. He leans forward and rests his forehead against mine. Still smiling.

"
Zoey, I love you. I've always loved you," he whispers.

But I hear it as if he shouted it from the rooftops. And never in my entire life has those three words held so much meaning, so much emotion. I have found that elusive four-letter word; it's standing right in front of me, and I am never, ever letting it go.

"I love you," he says again, louder.

"And you love me?" His eyes are closed, but that beautiful smile is still on his lips.

I nod. "I love you, Evan. Always you." I confess yet again, and it feels amazing.

"You love me."

"Yep, I love you."

Just as I reaffirm my feelings, Evan sweeps me up into his arms and really kisses me. It's still tender, but there's more force behind it. There's
an urgency to it, and I feel exactly the same. Our lips mold together—moving together as one. His tongue sweeps across my bottom lip, and I can't help but part my lips, welcoming it with my own. Our kiss deepens, becoming a twist of passion and desire. He abandons my mouth for my jaw, nipping along the way to my ear. His breath is frantic and warm, sending a shiver through me.

"I love you," he murmurs.

"I love you," I echo back.

His pulls me up, and I wrap my legs around his waist, the blanket falling to the floor. With agile skill, Evan walks us down the hall to his room, his lips never leaving mine. He gently lays me down on his bed, the sheets in a rumpled mess. He really was sleeping. Evan stands there before me, his chest heaving, his eyes darkening, and that smile, my crooked smile, is still there. It seems to be permanently plastered to his lips. I love that smile. I love him. He loves me. He really loves me. I jumped, risked it all.

"I've wanted to tell you for so long, Zoey, for so long. Everyone I've dated was a distraction, a distraction from not being with you. Paige…Paige was the exception, but only because I thought she could be you. She wasn't. She saw that. I've loved you ever since I first met you that day in biology, and I have ever since. I've just been too terrified to say anything, to do anything. I didn't want to risk losing you. But you're here, and you love me, too. It's always been you, Zoey, always." Evan jumps too.

And I love him even more. I rise up on my elbows, staring at him, absorbing everything he's just said, and a small tear escapes. Evan leans down, his legs straddling me, his thumb sweeps against my cheek, erasing the small droplet and brings his finger to his lips.

"Tear of joy, beautiful?" he questions.

"Only," I easily reply.

He nods and leans forward, pushing me down into the mattress. I welcome the feel of him over me. It's what I've dreamt about for so long, too long. Evan kisses my forehead, then my eyelids, my nose, each cheek. He pulls away, and I must have the strangest look on my face. "I've wanted to kiss every inch of you for the longest time, and that's exactly what I'm going to do," he informs me, his voice thick with want.

There's a rumble deep within his chest. It's animalistic. It turns me on. Agonizingly slow, Evan trails kisses along my jaw, down my neck. His tongue flicks at the hollow at my neck, and then he continues kissing down to each swell of my breasts. My body is a live wire. Every place he kisses leaves a part of him behind—
a warmth spreads out and gets absorbed by my heart. He kisses his way down to my navel, and again his tongue flicks out, tasting me, teasing me. I can't help but squirm. I feel his mouth turn up into a smile while I squirm. A warm puff of air escapes him. A giggle escapes me.

He rests his chin against my stomach and stares up at me. "I can't believe I'm kissing my best friend. I can't believe you're really here,
Zoey…with me, like this. I've wanted you for so long. This just doesn't seem real."

I know exactly what he means. For so long, I've dreamt about being with Evan—dating him, kissing him, making love to him. And it's actually happening. It doesn't seem real.

"I know. I feel like I'll wake up and this will have all been a dream—a beautiful, wonderful dream," I admit.

"If this is dream, I don't ever want to wake up," he tells me.

Evan starts kissing me again, working his way back up to my lips. A want and need ignites between us, and suddenly we are frenzy of lips, mouths, tongues, hands—and entanglement of limbs. His hands roam my body, fire burning with each pass and touch. Wetness pools between my legs. Evan's hardness presses against my stomach. This is happening. This is really happening. The top of my costume easily finds its way to the floor. Evan's nimble fingers, pull and pinch my nipple, causing it to pebble. My body instantly reacts to his touch. My back arches into his hand. I want more. I need more.

"I need you,
Zoey. I want you." His voice is a gruff growl.

"Me too, Evan. Me too."
My words are gravelly with lust.

The rest of my costume finds the floor, as do his pajama bottoms. I am seeing Evan—naked, for the first time. And he's seeing me. He pulls up onto his knees, his eyes raking over my entire body.

"Beautiful," he mouths.

For the first time, I don't hide myself. For the first time, I don't blush. He comes back to me and captures my lips with his. His hand reaches down between us, and I feel him poised at my opening. His tip slowly enters, and slowly, ever so slowly, the rest of him. We are one. We are still. We stare into each other's eyes. I see nothing but love reflected back to me. My eyes prick with tears. His eyes glisten. A small droplet falls from him and slides down my chest. Evan's Adam's apple bobs. I swallow down the emotion—the enormity of the situation as well. He begins to move inside me—slowly pushing and pulling. I wrap my legs around him, pulling him even closer to me. He squeezes his eyes shut. I keep my eyes wide open—afraid I will suddenly wake up and this will have not been real. The two of us find a rhythm, our bodies in sync, as if they've known each other this way for a lifetime. His eyes open, vibrant hazel stares at me, into me and in them I finally see all the love that’s always been there and more. Evan's lips capture mine, and just as our bodies writhe rhythmically together, so do our lips. With each push and pull, I want more, need more. Our steady rhythm becomes needier, more frantic. Evan trails wet kisses down my throat, nipping here and there. He begins to move in me faster, harder. The room is filled with our heavy breathing and moaning. No words. No words are needed. No words can even express what either one of us is feeling. No words.