A Four Letter Word (19 page)

It is. That's… Oh my. Who knew there was such hotness under those costumes? Who knew? I feel someone squeeze my hand, and it is a very welcomed distraction from the…artwork.
Ashlee smiles and nods. And so I begin. I tell them everything—down to the minute detail. I recount for them my first date with Griffin, how I felt all giddy inside afterwards. I tell them how Evan reacted and how there was a major shift in our relationship—mainly because of him. I go on and on, and they just sit and nod. And above all else, they listen. They don't speak. They simply nod and listen to the bizarre story I tell them.  Believe me as I am hearing myself tell it I think I definitely should be locked up in the psych ward somewhere in a padded cell. I must sound completely and utter insane.  I mean Ash knows I can be at times, but I just met Geoffrey and Patrick.  What a way to make a lasting first impression.

A tissue is passed to me a couple of times, especially when I relive Evan walking out of the bridal suite—walking out on me.

My heart shatters all over again as the words and emotions behind those words leave my lips. And now I am finished. Everything is out of me. I have three sets of tear-filled eyes looking at me. Patrick’s bottom lip quivers, Geoffrey soothes him, and Ashlee sniffles, shaking her head. The room is completely bathed in silence—until…

"Um," Patrick begins, "So, you are admitting you love Evan?"

"Well…um…I…I…I didn't really say," I start.

"Oh, honey, you are so blind, and you must think the three of us just stepped off the Jersey Shore…because it is as plain as my finely waxed bod that you love
Tarzalicious. Ashlee knows it, I know it, Patrick knows. Shit, I bet even Tarzalicious has thought it. Everyone but you. This little futuristic montage you just had is telling you exactly that," Geoffrey chimes in.

"I know! The planets are all aligned, the stars are shining brightly, the sun is in the eighth house, and Marc Anthony and J Lo are practically back together!" Patrick jumps from the bed, his arms stretched to the ceiling, his head thrown back.

"Oh, pookie, Marc and J Lo is just a fantasy. Evan and Zoey…now that's real." Geoffrey soothingly rubs Patrick's back while Patrick pouts.

"One can dream those two will get back together. I mean, they're doing it for Kohl's, they can do it for me, right?"

Geoffrey wraps his arm around Patrick and pulls him into his chest. I swear I hear sniffling.

"
Zoey?" Now Ashlee has my attention. She sweeps a stray hair behind my ear and then holds my hand in hers—rubbing soothing circles as she does. Ashlee always knows. There's no hiding from her. Never.

"
Zo, you know I've kept my mouth shut about…well, about you and Evan and your suppression of feelings," Ashlee begins, but I quickly interrupt her with my bitch brow.

Mouth shut? Who in the hell is she kidding? Ashlee's mouth has been anything but shut on the subject over the years.  I can’t even count using my
fingers and toes, plus, hers, Geoffrey’s Patrick’s and about half the party guests how many times she’s said something on the matter. Mouth shut my ass.

"Okay, okay…so maybe I've been a tad bit vocal over the years." Ashlee
smooshes her index finger and thumb together—illustrating a tad.

A tad my ass.

"Ashlee, a tad, really?" I quickly question—bitch brow still in place.

"Okay, fine. I've said a word or two, or a thousand, and quite loudly too," she huffs.

I nod and smile like I've won the lottery—'cause let's face it…I'm never going to be right again when it comes to Ashlee. She always wins. Never doubt or go against Ashlee—that's something I learned a long ass time ago.

"So, my vocal-ness agrees—Geoffrey and Patrick are right, and I've thought it and known it since…well, since I've known you. As hard as you've tried to suppress these deep feelings you have for Evan, locked them away and buried them, you just can't. They're there every time you're near him, every time you talk to him, every time anyone mentions him. They're there every time, all the time. I think this slight interaction with Griffin stirred up something; cleared away the cobwebs. I've known for a long time that one day you would finally admit that you love him—always have and always will."

"Ashlee, I don't…I mean…I do…but I can't. He won't…he doesn't…" I utter, finding my fingers and hands very interesting.

"
Zo, look at me," Ashlee tenderly commands.

I do, and that's when my eyes well up with tears. That's when I know there's no denying it any longer. That's when my heart breaks open, and everything I've ever felt for Evan bubbles over. And that's when I finally say it, out loud, "I love Evan." I feel exposed. I feel raw. I feel… Relieved, yet, terrified. No good can come of this. I'm going to lose him, just like… It wasn't real. It didn't happen.

"Don't," Ashlee commands.

"But, Ashlee," I respond.

"No buts," she insists.

"Yeah, no buts, unless we're talking about Dr. Hot and Give Me a Hard-on, then we can talk about buts.
Zoey pooh, there are no buts when it comes to telling Tarzalicious you love him. None," Patrick interjects his two cents.

And of course after Patrick, Geoffrey needs to add his. "
Pookie is right. After what we saw, I would say you have no buts. None at all."

Patrick nods like a bobble head.

"What did you two see?" Ashlee asks before I can formulate the question.

The three of them practically huddle together, ignoring me, like I'm not even in the room.

"Wellllll, let's just say Tarzalicious was ready to go all caveman on poor Griffin. He was jumping out of his skin…" Geoffrey begins but Patrick interrupts.

"And loin cloth. Not that I would have minded." Patrick wiggles his eyebrows.

"That's beside the point…a good point, but it's beside the point. The point is…that man, who she claim is only her best friend, so isn't. That man sees and feels love when it comes to Zoey. It's written all over him," Geoffrey finishes.

"Yep, all over him.
All over every chiseled muscle," Patrick agrees.

"That's what I've been telling her for years.
The both of them actually. They are both too damn stubborn to see what is right in front of them," Ashlee adds.

"Stubborn? No way," Patrick says sarcastically.

"From what you've told us and what I've seen tonight—they are both stubborn. We practically had to drag Tarzalicious up on the stage. He didn't want to have any part of it, especially when he saw Griffin talking to Zoey. I swear it was like dragging a fat lady away from the all-you-can-eat buffet. The green-eyed monster was definitely rearing its ugly head," Geoffrey matter-of-factly states.

Like he knows what he's talking about. Shit, I just met the guy. He doesn't have a clue. Neither does Patrick. And Ashlee—Ashlee is just wishfully thinking. There is no way Evan loves me. Well, he loves me like a brother loves a sister, but nothing more. There couldn't be anything more.
Right?

Gah
, my head hurts.

The three hens keep talking and leave me out of the conversation.

"Have either one of them had a lasting, real relationship?" Patrick asks.

"Well," Ashlee stares off into space and taps her finger to her chin.

"That would be a big, fat no. Well, except for Paige—she dated Evan through most of college. She wasn't his usual type, though," Ashlee finishes.

"What type was she?" Geoffrey questions.

"Evan typically goes for the tall, leggy, not-too-bright, blonde bimbo. Paige was the total opposite—long brown hair, on the shorter side, wore the cutest glasses, and was very smart," Ashlee informs the two other hens.

"
Hmmmm, very interesting," Patrick and Geoffrey comment in unison.

"What's so interesting about it? So what, he dated someone who didn't fit the type. No biggie," I interject.

However, my statement goes unnoticed.

"Yes, very interesting. The two of them were pretty serious too. In fact he asked her to marry him Christmas one year and…" Ashlee trails off.

I can’t believe what I am hearing, Evan asked Paige to marry him. When did this happen? Could have been when he came to my apartment that Christmas Eve? But he told me they broke up…why didn’t he tell me the truth? I just don’t understand.  How could he tell Ashlee and not me?  What else is he not telling me?

"And?" the
Bobsie Twins ask.

"And she said no," Ashlee responds.

"No?" Again Patrick and Geoffrey share a voice.

She said no.  Why would she say no?  No wonder he looked so devastated.

"Totally no."

"Why? Was she brain injured or blind or something? Cause let me tell you, if
Tarzalicious were to ever ask me…" Patrick asks.

"You'd what?" Geoffrey interrupts.

"I'd flat out say no. I've got my hot hunk of man meat." Patrick bats his eyelashes.

"Thought so, but don't worry,
Pookie. I don't think Tarzalicious would ever ask. That's just one idea you're gonna have to have as a fantasy." Geoffrey gives Patrick a little side hug.

"So, Ashlee, why?
Obviously you know something I don't. Which is kinda weird, considering I am his best friend, and all he's ever told me is they didn't see the same thing for their future. So what is the real reason she said no?" I feel the anger flare up inside me. Finally I have her attention. I should have been the one he told not her.

After all these years, Ashlee has known what
the was a real reason and has never told me. I was led to believe they broke up because they didn't want the same things. They saw their futures differently. I always knew there was more to it, but every time I pressed Evan for more information, he would just change the subject or tell me it was too painful to talk about, and he just wanted to put it behind him. I can't believe he told Ashlee and not me.

Ashlee comes and scoots close to me, wrapping her arm around my shoulder. "Listen,
Zoey, it wasn't my place to say anything. I promised Evan I would keep it to myself—I never break a promise. We agreed that you didn't need to know. That you knowing wouldn't do any good. So that's why neither one of us has ever told you the real reason. Evan and I were just looking out for you, thinking about you. But…"

"But, what?"

"But now I think it's time you know, because maybe then you'll see the truth." Ashlee smiles that smile that asks if she should continue.

I nod.

Patrick and Geoffrey take a seat on the floor, sitting with their knees against their chests and their arms firmly wrapped around their legs, their ears eager to hear more. They actually look like two little kids waiting to hear a bedtime story.

"I know Evan told you that he and Paige didn't see eye-to-eye on their future," she begins, and I nod—that's exactly what Evan told me.

"Well, that's partially true. They didn't see eye-to-eye on their future concerning you," she continues, and what she says leaves me dumbfounded. Their future concerning me? That doesn’t even make any sense. What part could I have played in their future other than the part I always played—I was Evan’s friend.

Patrick and Geoffrey look at each other, and apparently their proverbial light bulbs have gone off, because the two of them slowly give a nod, with huge ass smiles plastered on their faces. I wish someone would clue me in, because what would I have to do with Evan's and Paige's future?

"Ohhhh, Paige was his Emily, and Zoey is so Rachel. Although, Evan definitely isn't Ross…he could never be Ross. I mean, besides the fact that Ross got hit with the ugly stick, and our Tarzalicious is just…well de-li-cious. He, Evan that is, didn't push Zoey away. Ross totally chose Emily over Rachel, at least for a little while, until he saw how he was hurting Rachel. Evan didn't hurt Zoey, though," Geoffrey rambles.

"
Oooooo, and she's his lobster too. Don't forget about that one," Patrick adds.

Those two make absolutely no sense.
None. Emily? Lobster? What the hell are they even talking about?

"Ashlee, you
wanna clue me in, give me more because unlike the Wonder Twins, I don't get how I was a part of their future. How do I fit into that equation, because I honestly don't see it?"

"Of course you don't. See what I've been dealing with?" Ashlee responds turning her attention to Geoffrey and Patrick.

"Oh, we see it, honey, and we are so sorry you were dealing this obviously unbelievable material. So completely clueless…" Geoffrey begins.

"And stubborn.
Don't forget the stubborn part," Patrick throws in for good measure.

Ashlee turns her attention back to me. "Honey, Paige gave him an ultimatum. She basically said it was her or you, and Evan chose you."

"What?" I yell with complete and utter disbelief. "Why would she do that? Why would he do that?" I ask, more to myself than anyone else.

"Paige saw how close you and Evan were. How he always went to you. How protective he was and would do anything for you. Paige saw how much you meant to him. Deep down, I think she knew that you would always be the one, that he was too afraid to admit it. I think she always knew he was settling," Ashlee tells me as my heart sinks.