A Four Letter Word (18 page)

"
Zoey, are you still there?"

"Oh, yeah, I'm here, sorry."

"I just asked if you needed a ride to the game tomorrow?"

"The game, tomorrow.
Right. Um, I'm not sure if I'm going or not."

"Oh, come on,
Zoey, you so have to go. I need my partner in crime to cheer with me," he pleads.

I'm a goner.

"Fine. I'll go," I acquiesce.

"Ha! I knew I could convince you. So, what are you
doin?"

"Trig homework…" I begin, but hear something playing in the background on Evan's end.

I can just make out a song, one I've never heard before.

"Um, Evan, what are you listening to?"

He chuckles. "Oh, that's something my mom gave me, one of her favorite bands—Psychedelic Furs. The songs called “Heartbreak Beat”. I'll turn it up. I actually wanted you to hear it and see what you think?"

Evan and I we
re always exchanging songs we come across that we hadn't heard before. Our musical tastes were similar. There is rustling on his end, and then the song comes through the phone loud and clear. The music moves through me, the words going straight to my heart. I continue to listen; concentrating on the lyrics coming through the phone and my heart leaps within my chest.

I hear every wor
d and a few stand out more than others…love…heartbreak…kiss… and I can’t help but think about my lips on Evan’s. My pulse quickens, my heart rate accelerates. So many emotions, thoughts, and questions swirl inside me. Does this song mean something to him? Why this song? Why would he play it for me? Does he feel the words in it? Does he feel like this about me? So much. Too much. I am at a loss. My imagination starts to run away with itself.  Dare I think it? No, I can't.  He's with Chelsea. I'm just Zoey. I'm just his best friend. The song finishes. I feel a tear slip down my cheek.

"Well, what do you think? I mean, it's an old song, but it says so much, don't you think?" Evan questions.

What is he asking me exactly? My heart, soul, and mind want to say that he loves me too, that he wants to be with me, that there's no one else, but…

"You look absolutely, breathtakingly beautiful," a voice cuts through my memory.

My vision focuses on the image in the background of the mirror. Evan. I must be dreaming. He's here. He's really here. I turn, a little too quickly, my head dizzies. And in an instant, Evan is at my side helping me, just like he's done a thousand times. The warmth of his touch spreads like wild fire. I squirm. He pulls away.

"
Wha—what are you doing here?" I manage to question.

Evan steps away, putting distance between us, raking his fingers through his hair—a nervous habit he's had over the years. A habit I've become all too familiar with. He's struggling with something. He's nervous about something. That makes two of us. I take in his appearance—jeans, rumpled shirt, scruff covering his face. He looks ragged, like he hasn't slept in days. This isn't the Evan I know. Something is off, and it's starting to worry me—scare me.

"Ev—"

Before I can get his name out, he blurts out, "Don't marry him."

Not this again.

I've reached my limit.

"Evan, there is nothing you can say or do that is going to change my mind. We've been over this. Griffin is a great guy, a wonderful man. He's nothing like any man I've ever dated. We are getting married. I'm happy. He makes me happier than I ever imagined. Why can't you see that? Why don't you get that? Why can't you accept that?" My voice shakes at the end.

He paces back and forth, stops, and then turns and faces me. There is so much in his eyes, in his expression; I can't pinpoint one emotion. He takes a deep breath.

"I love you."             

What?

Everything stops— my breathing, my heart, my time. He slowly takes a step toward me, repeating those three words. "I love you." Another step… "I love you." And another…"I love you." …Until we are standing toe to toe, face to face. I go to open my mouth, to say something, but I have no idea what. Evan takes my hands in his, and that's when I notice he's trembling. Or is it me? Or both? He takes a deep breath and stares straight into my eyes—into my soul.

"God, I feel like such a shit doing this, but I had to—I have to." One hand lets go of mine, and his fingers caress my cheek. He sighs.

I remember that I need to breathe.

"
Zoey, it's always been you. It's always been there just below the surface, but…but I've been too afraid to acknowledge it, to say something, do something. I…I didn't want to ruin what a wonderfully special friendship we have…"

I quirk an eyebrow.

"Okay, so maybe I've found a way to do that anyway. I…I just can't live without you in my life. These weeks…months, this entire year, have been hell. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can barely function at work. And it's all because you aren't that vital part of my life that you once were. I need you in my life Zoey, and not just as my best friend. I need more. I want more. I've always loved you, ever since that first time we met. I felt a connection. And I know you've felt it too. Still feel it. You can't tell me that you didn't feel something that night at Geoffrey's party when we kissed. I know you did, because I felt it too. I still feel it. You have always had my heart, and I can't live without it—without you. I'm home with you. I know you're getting married today, but don't. Don't start a commitment with him until you admit that you don't have feelings for me; that there isn't a chance in hell for us to be more. I know you love me too. But don't be afraid like I was. I can make you happier than he can, I can…"

My heart can't take anymore. "Stop," I interrupt him.

Evan instantly stops his thought; his eyes widen and focus on mine.

"You love me?"

"I love you."

"You can't."

"Yes I can."

"No, you can't. Not today. Not now. I've waited so long to hear you say those words. God, you don't know how long I've dreamt about you saying them. But, I learned to put my feelings aside for you because I knew it was a lost cause. You never gave me any inclination that you had feelings for me other than friendship—not once. And now, you come here when I am about to marry Griffin and tell me you love me? What do you expect me to do? Forget the past year and a half never happened? Forget that I ever met Griffin? Forget that I love him and he loves me? That he loves me enough to admit it and ask me to marry him?"

My words and anger seem to shock him. He releases my hands and takes a steps back.

"I can't do that to him. I won't do that him. Just because…" I feel my throat tighten, and tears prick the back of my eyes.

Don't cry.

No more crying over him.

Besides, Ashlee will kill me.

"You need to leave," I insist, gathering all the strength and courage I have.

"Zoey…"

"Evan, just go." I turn from him, not wanting to see Evan leave, because I
know when he does that it will be the last time I ever see him again. I hear his feet shuffle against the carpet. I keep my emotions at bay. Why now? Why after all this time he finally utters that elusive four letter word? Why? And before I can formulate any type of answer, hands wrap around my waist and spin me around. I am met with hazel, smoldering eyes, and my favorite crooked smile. In a flash, Evan's hand snakes up my back and cradles my head. He leans in, and his lips hover over mine. And then he kisses me. His warm, plump lips mold to mine—fitting perfectly, as if they were meant to fit together. He deepens the kiss, drawing me closer to him. My lips part and he sucks my bottom lip into his mouth. My body erupts in a warm, tingly sensation. I shouldn't be doing this. This is wrong, so very wrong; especially today.

My mouth, lips, and tongue have a mind of their own and allow Evan's tongue, mouth, and lips to take me completely. His tongue sweeps against my bottom lip before joining mine. Our kiss feels like it will never end, but then he pulls away, both of us trying to catch our breath. His hands grip my waist, holding me steady. He looks deep into my eyes, holding me captive.

"Tell me you didn't feel that. Tell me you didn't feel anything, and I will walk away. You can marry Griffin, and I will accept it and move on best I can. Just tell me you don't love me and we shouldn't be together, Zoey. Just tell me."

My heart is twisting—contorting. My brain is fuzzy, hazy. Even still, the words tumble from my mouth. "Evan, I…I…I don't…you need to leave."

He nods and accepts my words for what they are. A part of me is lying. I'm sure he knows I am, but he accepts them nonetheless. Evan leans in and kisses my cheek; his lips linger near my ear. "Congratulations." And with that, he walks away.

I hear the click of the door, and when I turn around he’s no longer there, but Ashlee is. She rushes to me and hugs me. She knows. She always knows, but doesn’t say a word; she doesn’t address it at all. She pulls away, her arms
still holding me. "Are you ready?" I nod.

"Are you sure?"

I nod. "I’ve never been surer."

"Okay then, it's time to get you married." And with that, we leave the bridal suite behind.

chapter 15

Have you ever had that one defining moment where everything fell into place like tumblers on a lock? Everything just—clicked? Have you ever had everything come into focus—that one moment of absolute clarity? I never have—until now. And it feels as though I am seeing things clearly for the first time. I am feeling things and acknowledging things for what they really are.

And I am terrified.

I feel as though I am spiraling into a dark, deep hole—nothing but utter blackness and complete silence surrounding me. Small, frail images of what has happened flash around me. Or what could have happened. Blue eyes stare at me. Hazel eyes burn into me. I stand in front of a mirror. Evan's lips touch
mine. At a ball game, blue eyes implore me, while a sparkly ring is presented. Evan tells me we are no longer friends.  My heart shatters into a million pieces.  My lungs need air they can’t seem to find at the moment.  I feel a hole slowly start to open and spread inside my chest. 

Then the images twist and turn very slowly and begin to fray and dissolve into nothingness. I am immerged in nothing but darkness.  A black so dark I should be scared, but there is this calmness in the dark that is soothing. The blackness fades, slowly turning into light. Sounds begin to penetrate the air. Images come into focus. And that's when I take in my surroundings. That's when I hear the pulsing music, see the flashing lights, and feel fingertips lightly grazing my hand. It feels as though I'm under water—things are still muffled.

I stare into a pair of brilliant blue eyes. They are warm and so familiar, as if I've looked into them a thousand times. Yet, they seem somewhat foreign at the same time. His mouth moves, but I can't hear what he's saying. I close my eyes and shake my head, hoping to lift the fog that surrounds me. And then instantaneous, everything snaps into its rightful place.

"So, your number?"
My ears register his words.

I look down, and in my hand is a cell phone. When I look up at him, he smiles and nods toward the phone. Griffin. And it all comes crashing down on me. I feel like I've just been hit by a freight train. I gasp, the air quickly entering and then leaving my lungs. My fingers feel numb and the phone drops to the floor as if in slow motion. I stumble back, clutching my chest. I blink my eyes in rapid succession not only to help focus on something anything that is real, but also to hold back the tears
that prick my eyes and threaten to spill forth. Realization hits like a ton of bricks—none of it happened. It wasn't real. And yet it seemed so real, felt so real. What took over a year to happen was just mere nanoseconds. How is that even possible?  My head is reeling; my heart races like a car at the Daytona 500, and my entire body breaks out in a cold sweat.

"
Zoey, are you okay?" Griffin questions, his features marred with concern.

I stumble back some more, holding my hand up to keep him at bay. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to think. I just don't know—anything. Suddenly, I feel a delicate touch on my back. I can’t help the shiver that rips through me; my body reacts by pulling away—the slight touch burns.

"Zoey, it's me. You okay?" Ashlee's sweet voice comforts me, grounds me.

I turn and I am staring into her warm yet extremely concerned brown eyes. I try to shake my head no, but instead, I lose my balance and fall into her.

"I'm here. I've got you," she promises. And instantly a protective cocoon envelopes me. 

"Can
I…" Griffin begins, but Ashlee cuts him off.

"Griffin, is it?"

He nods.

"Thanks but, it's nothing, really.
Zoey gets like this when she gets over excited and stimulated. It all hits her at once. Then again, it could be just the Jaeger beast taking over. Or more likely, it just may bad cramps, you know that time of the month and all. Cramps can be a bitch. Either way, she'll be fine. I'm just gonna take her to the bathroom, okay?"

"Um…yeah…sure.
If there's anything I can do…" His voice is filled with so much worry.

"Not my first rodeo with this. She'll be fine," Ashlee insists.

She is playing it so calm and cool, but I know Ashlee, and I know she is a jumbled mess inside. Her shaky hand on my back tells me so. If she’s starting to unravel and lose her shit without having a clue as to what just happened, I’m a freaking lost cause. Shit, lock me in the looney bin, pop some awesome meds in my mouth and throw away the key.  One padded cell coming up.  Ashlee guides me through the crowd, and if it weren't for her hand steadying me, touching me, I think I would fall to the floor. My legs feel like Jell-O and my entire being in numb. My heart pounds against my chest, my costume clings to me, and I still can't breathe properly. Air enters and expels from my lungs in pants. And all I can keep thinking is—none of it happened. How can that be? It felt real. It was real—wasn't it? Before I know it, Ashlee and I are heading towards a hallway when I feel a strong hand on my arm.

"Everything okay,
Ashie pooh?"

Geoffrey.

"Um, I'm not totally sure. I…I don't know what happened.  I found her with Griffin looking whiter than usual with the same confused expression on her face that she still has now.  She was shaking from head to toe.  And she hasn’t said anything," Ashlee responds, her voice shaky.

Geoffrey gently takes a hold of me, lifting me up in his arms, cradling as if I were an infant. Ashlee follows next to him as he leads down the hallway. We pass two doors before Geoffrey instructs Ashlee to open the next one. The three of us enter what I assume is Geoffrey and Patrick's bedroom. Geoffrey walks over to the bed and gently sets me down. I hear a click, and Ashlee is by my side again, her hand tenderly grasping mine.

"Zoey, can you hear me, honey? Zoey?" she questions.

"It wasn't real," I finally say.

"What wasn't real, honey?" Geoffrey inquires.

The both of them flank me, grounding me. I feel safe. As safe as I feel when I'm with… Evan. I was just about to leave with…I did leave with him. After I gave Griffin my… It didn't happen. Everything comes rushing back to me at once.

"Why did it feel so real? I don't understand? He said he loved me. We were getting married. But then he comes and tells me he loves me after all this time. After I've pushed and put away my feelings for him. We were drifting apart because I was with Griffin. But he is with Skye now. I just don't understand. He said he loved me on my wedding day. He loves me?" I ramble, getting the gist out of what I had just experienced the best way I can at the moment.

"Uh,
Zoey, I don't follow. Can you…oh, I don't know…slow down and like maybe clarify. Then maybe Ashlee and I can help? Maybe?" Geoffrey looks to Ashlee for help himself.

"
Zoey, you aren't making any sense, honey. Take a deep breath or two or hundred, and tell us what happened. Then maybe the three of us can figure this out," Ashlee reassuringly adds.

Before I can utter a word, the door flies open. A
very frazzled flower stands in the doorway. "Oh, Mylanta, there you guys are. Griffin said Zoey had a panic attack or really bad cramps or something, and he didn't know where she and Ashlee went off to. Then Evan comes looking for Zoey to leave," Patrick begins.

My eyes immediately flash to his at the mention of Evan.

"Do I detect…" Patrick starts, but Ashlee and Geoffrey shake their heads to deter him.

"
Oooookaaaay. Anyway, I told Tarzalicious that Zoey was having a girl moment and not to worry. Told him something about tampons and whatnot, and then he shivered and said he would wait. I told him no worries that if he needed to go, he could. I assured him I would get you home safely, unless he wanted to stick around and dance with me. He stuttered something and told me to tell Zoey he'll talk to her tomorrow," Patrick spouts out.

"So, he left?" I ask, feeling a deep pang in my chest.

"Yep, he caught up with Nina and Dr. Hot and Hard and left with them," Patrick informs.

The pang grows. And I start to hyperventilate. Next thing I know, a paper bag is being thrust in my face. "Breathe into this, it's supposed to help," Geoffrey says.

I take the paper bag and start to breathe into it. And shit, he's right; it actually helps. The thought of knowing Evan has left reminds me of what just happened—or didn't happen. He left. I told him to, and he did. My heart cracks open, and the tears that I guess I was holding back start to fall. Suddenly, I am wrapped up in warmth as three pairs of arms engulf me. The dam bursts further, and tears fall more freely, rapidly. They shush me, hold me, protect me, and ultimately just let me get it all out. All of it. Behind my eyelids, I see Griffin handing me a program at a baseball game, his smile huge and his eyes bright. I see Griffin laughing as we watch
Fight Club
. Glimpses of what could have been, or what could be, flicker and then slowly fade away. The images changing, turning and then… Familiar hazel eyes stare at me, a crooked smile pulls at one corner of his mouth, a cheeseburger in his hands. Evan. My heart swells—it aches. It feels like my chest cavity is too small to contain it. The sobs come full force, my face streaked with a hundred thousand tears. It wasn't real. It didn't happen. None of it. How is that even possible?

The warmth begins to subside, and when I open my eyes, three pairs of very concerned eyes stare at me. Patrick flutters into the bathroom and comes back with a box of Kleenex. "Here
ya go, Sweetcheeks." He hands the box to me.

Ashlee takes out a handful of tissues and starts to dab my eyes and wipe my cheeks. I start to breathe in and out, slowly, as she continues to take care of me. One slight dab and she asks, "Better?" I nod, feeling the emotion bubbling just below the surface.

It didn't happen?

It didn't happen?

This repeats in my head as I try to comprehend what in the hell has happened. It all felt real…it was real. The room is silent except for my heavy breathing. Pushing air slowly in and out of my lungs helps ease the pain, takes away the worry, the confusion. Ultimately the heartache. Heartache over what I felt. Heartache over what I had. Heartache over what I lost. But…what did I have…what did I lose? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I take a deep breath and slowly raise my eyes only to have them look into three pairs of very concerned people. Each one saying, without words, that
they care, that they are worried, and above all else, that they are there for me.

"Better," I finally answer Ashlee's question.

"Oh, goodie. Honey, I was afraid I was going to have to give you mouth to mouth or something, because, seriously, your fine ass looked like it was about to pass out. I mean, I would have gone all hetero to save you. But thank God I didn't have to," Patrick chimes in.

"Patrick," Geoffrey admonishes.

"What? You were thinking it. I just said it."

And for some reason, I can't help but laugh.

And laugh.

And laugh.

And it feels real good. It clears the rest of the fog away. It makes me feel lighter—freer. When my laugh-fest finally comes to a halt, Geoffrey, Ashlee, and Patrick all look at me like I have four heads. Yep, I’m headed to the padded cell in no time. But their moment of "What the Hell?" dissipates and the three of them—the four of us—laugh together. We all slowly catch our breath as the infectious laughter subsides.

"Even better?"
Ashlee asks.

As I wipe a happy tear from the corner of my eye, I easily answer, nodding my head.

"Good. I hope now you can explain what in the hell is going on. Because, honey, I can speak for all of us…we are confused as…well, as a very confused person," Geoffrey begins, but Patrick interrupts him with an eyebrow quirk.

"I know,
pookie, not my best work. Weird?  Oh, wait…as confused as Tom Cruise who’s debating whether or not to come out of the closet.  Better? Anyway, you were rambling on about getting married, someone saying they love you, none of it was real…just complete nonsense. So, could you, I don't know… maybe clue the rest of us in as to what is going on in that pretty little head of yours?" Geoffrey pats my hand as the three of them take a seat around me on the bed.

"
It's okay, Zoey," Ashlee encourages, letting me know that I can speak freely in front of Geoffrey and Patrick.  Deep down I know she’s right.

And I know it's going to be. I know it is. Where do I begin? How do I articulate to them what I'm feeling, what it felt like? How do I tell them and not have them look at me like I'm some freak… Wait, I'm sitting on a bed with a bright-ass, pink flower, a guy in a bee costume, and a slutty cowgirl…While on the wall across from the bed, in my line of sight, is a picture of…I don't even know…but it's kinky…really kinky…and there are body parts…lots and lots of body parts…and there's something familiar about…
     Oh. My. God.

Turn away! Turn away now!

When I do, Patrick is smirking at me and nodding. He's nodding.

Oh. My.
God.