A Fashionably Dead Christmas: Hot Damned Series, Book 5 (8 page)

With a flick of my hand, I hung everyone in the room midair, except for Samuel, Ethan and Steve Perry. My family now dangled about eight feet off of the floor and they could float there for eternity for all I cared. No one was coming down until they agreed to play by my rules and my rules only.

Martha grunted from the doorway as she and Jane stared in confusion at the scene. “Holy Mitch McConnell in a girdle and push up bra, what the Hell happened in here?”

“Love your outfit,” Jane said sincerely. “I’d look good in that.”

I nodded my head curtly, afraid of what might come out of my mouth.

And Hell just continued to blaze…

Between them, they carried a life sized cloth man wearing a hula skirt and a top hat. They too were wearing hula skirts and top hats. The entire picture they presented was alarming, but I ignored it. I was far too frightened to ask what the Holy Hell they had made for my son for Christmas, so I stuck to the question asked.

“We had a few minor snafus this morning,” I said in what I hoped was a cheery voice for the benefit of my child.

“Looks more like a grenade went off in here,” Jane said as she adjusted her hula skirt and inadvertently revealed a red and green thong. “Speaking of grenades… you might want to have Satan put out that cigarette he’s smoking. He’s defying gravity right next to it.”

“Right next to what?” I asked for clarification. Surely I’d misunderstood.

“The pile of presents we… you know, that we kind of
lifted
,” she told me. “There was a kind of… sort of… a grenade in… um… ” she faltered when she saw the look on my face.

“
You bought my son a grenade?
” Ethan inquired in a calm and deadly tone. He was so freakin’ pissed,
my
hair stood up.

“Not exactly,” Martha said.

“No. They freaking stole it,” I tattled.

“
Which one of you stole my son a grenade?
” Ethan demanded.

“She did,” they shouted in unison as they pointed at each other.

“It’s the damn teddy bear, isn’t it?” I ground out through clenched teeth as my body began to shoot sparks.

“I knew we should have gotten him a subscription to
Playboy
,” Martha wailed as she scissor kicked her buddy, revealing her own pickled thighs and Christmas thong.

“Astrid, stay put,” Ethan ordered as he ran swiftly to the pile of presents. “Your sparks could set it off.”

He was right. I turned to Satan who was watching with interest as he puffed away.

“Gigi, I need a little help here,” I called out as she followed my gaze and grinned.

“With pleasure,” she trilled and waved her hands above her head.

I was hoping for a bucket of water in his face, but Mother Nature never ever took half measures. The waterfall of all waterfalls rained down on my uncle as he sputtered and choked.

One problem down… oh so many to go.

“Got it,” Ethan yelled as he held the teddy-grenade in the air.

A small ember from Satan’s cigarette had clearly lit it before he was doused and Ethan didn’t notice.

“Ethan! It’s live. Throw it,” I shrieked as I dove on top of Samuel and Steve Perry.

Blobbityflonk threw himself on top of me and I was pretty sure Martha and Jane belly flopped on top of him. If I’d had to breathe, I would have been royally screwed.

I quickly waved my hand and released my family from their floating prison. They were sitting ducks hanging in the air. I might be pissed, but I wasn’t cruel.

They ran for cover amidst a whole bunch of shouting and screeching.

Ethan swore viciously and hurled the grenade at the back wall of the Great Room away from everyone. With his Vampyre strength, it shot like a bullet out of a sub-machine gun.

Blobbityflonk heaved a huge sigh of relief that the day had been saved. However, I knew better—far better.

I put my hands over Samuel’s ears and shut my eyes.

And that’s when the grenade exploded, blowing the entire back wall of the Cressida house right off its foundation.

Through the smoke and haze, I noted that it was a lovely, sunny day outside.

Well, at least there was that.

I let my head drop and the tears flow. This would go down in history as the worst December 25th ever. Merry Fucking Christmas.

Chapter 8

“Is everyone alright?” Ethan yelled as he pulled the pile off of me, Samuel and Steve Perry.

The muffled chorus of yeses eased my panic. Everyone was accounted for. This was a horrific day for us all… but I was certain it was the worst day of Steve Perry’s life.

Samuel was completely unharmed. I expected him to be upset, but I couldn’t have been more wrong. He was grinning from ear to ear and giggling.

“Again, Daddy. Do it again,” he insisted as he clapped his hands gleefully.

“No can do, little man,” Ethan said wearily as he wrapped his arms around both of us and held on tight.

I gently extracted myself and took in the room. Silently I walked around and examined what was left of the beautiful Christmas I wanted to give my son and my family.

My utter misery over losing my beautiful Christmas was showing on my face. No one uttered a word. Smart people…

Nothing. Nothing was left—no presents, no tree, no decorations, no food, no blood, no Nut Cracker with a boner, no Baby Jesuses… nothing.

And of course, that’s when everyone else started to arrive.

In they came, each looking dazed and concerned as they took in the disaster.

Venus, Paris Hilton and Ethan’s sister, Raquel looked around in dismay, but stayed quiet. The vibe in the room was evident to all. They hugged me and made their way over to Samuel.

All were bearing gifts meant to be placed under the tree, but there was nothing but an electrocuted twig left of the formerly beautiful Christmas tree. Still, they placed them there.

“Assbuckle, you want to clue me in as to what the fuck happened here?” Pam, my Guardian Angel, demanded. Her hands were on her shapely hips as she entered into the room in a breezy burst of magic. “I spent four days in what used to be this room, putting all that shit up.”

She stood with the King—her mate and Ethan’s father. They both appeared shocked and confused. Who wouldn’t be?

“We had a few little issues yesterday and today,” I mumbled and let my head fall back on my shoulders.

I would not cry. I would
not
cry.

“Little?” She laughed and gave me a big hug and a sloppy kiss on my cheek. “You give me a list of those issues and I’ll kick the
issue’s
asses. You hear me?” she asked quietly.

“Yes, Pam. I hear you,” I said as I hugged her back.

“PS… you forgot your pants too,” she added with a cackle.

“It’s the new look,” I told her with a wince.

“Lord help us all,” she muttered as she stomped across the room and placed a mountain of gifts beneath the
tree
.

My more normal cousins and their father came next. Heathcliff, Cathy and Sir James entered cautiously. Heathcliff’s longing look at Raquel wasn’t lost on me, but there was no time for me to play matchmaker at the moment. I had a party to host… or what was left of one.

“My God,” Heathcliff sputtered and gave a low whistle as he glanced around.

“I see you did some major redecorating since yesterday. I like it,” he announced with a grin and a wink.

I loved my cousin. A little bit of humor right now was a good thing.

They too crossed over to the charred twig and laid their gifts beneath it.

Hayden and Dixie showed up in a cloud of sparkling mist followed by Lucy and Elijah. Of course, Lucy and Elijah arrived separately much to Elijah’s dismay. All four of the newest arrivals were True Immortals like myself, Samuel, Satan and Mother Nature.

Dixie’s eyes were wide as she hurried over to make sure I wasn’t going to lose my shit.

“My beautiful cousin, you have exceeded my expectations with your… preparations for us,” she said with a grin as she grasped my hands. “You okay?”

“Nope, but I’m still standing.”

With a loving hug, Dixie moved away and placed her presents under the pathetic excuse of a tree.

As the room filled with more and more people, my need to cry increased.

Samuel ran from group to group and received kisses and hugs.

This was a fucking tragedy. I was embarrassed and heartbroken.

Then a small man standing in the entryway made me smile through my tears. He was roughly the size of an Oompa Loompa and could make the sun shine of even the dreariest of days.

My Grandpa was dangerously squeezable Sprite and the cutest man alive.

The Sins literally quivered with the need to trap him in an embrace. He had sported many broken bones over the centuries from too much loving. Being a True Immortal and able to heal in an instant, he tolerated our need to clasp him to our bosoms in a vise-like hold.

He raised a warning hand at the Sins and they stayed put with great difficulty.

His wise eyes were on me and moved across the room with lively little steps.

“My darling,” Grandpa said kindly as he put his arms out for a hug.

I fell into him and was careful not to squash one of my favorite people in the world.

“It’s just fucking awful,” I whispered as he lovingly stroked my hair. “It was supposed to be perfect.”

“Perfect is boring. Flaws are what make life interesting,” he insisted as he took my face in his hands and placed a kiss on my nose.

“Um… well then I nailed flawed in a big way,” I told him.

“We shall see.”

On that cryptic note, he floated across the room to his other half, Mother Nature. She squealed with delight as he copped a feel of her outstanding bottom. She showered him with hugs and kisses as the Sins looked on with envy.

“Is everyone here?” I asked as I began to count guests.

“Not quite, Krumecaca,” came a jolly voice from behind me.

I rolled my eyes and giggled.

The Kev had arrived and I was sure he had my BFF Gemma with him. They were Fairies and Gemma was the long lost Fairy Queen. They had a Hell of an adventure in front of them, but for now they were here supporting me.

Turning around to greet my friends I froze and slapped my hand over my mouth. The Kev never used his real face and body, it was far too beautiful to look upon. Nope, he chose visages that either amused or pleased him—and today he’d gone all out.

“Santa?” Samuel whispered in awe as his small body shook with excitement.

Yep. The Kev had chosen Santa—and he was totally Santa in every way. He wore the red suit, had the belly, and the beard was one hundred percent real. I had to literally use my hand to close my mouth.

Blobbityflonk stood next to Samuel trembling in anticipation even more than my child was.

“Gampyflubygahvie?” the baboon gasped.

“Yes. In the flesh,” The Kev bellowed as he chuckled. His big belly jiggled like a bowl full of jelly.

Gemma, dressed in an elf costume, stood by with a sweet smile on her stunning face. She winked at me and put her hand on The Kev’s shoulder as he was dive-bombed by my child and our new family pet.

The squeals of delight made me forget about the disaster that surrounded us. My son’s pure joy at Santa’s arrival made me want to dive bomb The Kev myself.

He was pretty fucking perfect… flaws and all.

“I’d just like to point out that
Santa
is simply
Satan
misspelled,” the Devil announced with grandeur as he sauntered across the charred room and tried to steal Samuel’s attention back from Jolly Old Saint The Kev. “So if any of you bastards thought I wasn’t part of Christmas, you are sadly mistaken. My fingers are in everything.”

“Including his ass,” I mumbled as I watched my son graciously include Beelzebub in his hug-fest.

“Is he serious?” Gemma asked, bewildered as she unsuccessfully tried to hide her laughter.

“Yes. Yes, he is,” I confirmed with an exaggerated eye roll.

There was no way in Hell Samuel would forget this Christmas, no matter how much I wanted him to.

“May I have everyone’s attention please,” Mother Nature called out.

Everyone quieted immediately. No one fucked with or disobeyed Mother Nature.

“I have a surprise,” she said as Grandpa grinned at her like a besotted old fool.

“Oh Hell to the no,” Ethan groaned as he joined me and Gemma.

“Not sure I can take any more surprises, Gigi,” I said with a shudder.