A Family Man (37 page)

“
Hey, darling. I just swung by your place and saw your car wasn’t there. Guessed you’d be here.” He kissed her on the cheek. “Where’s Tiny?”

“
At home, drowning in JD and weed.”

“
Shit. I thought things were getting better.”

“
They are.” She walked over to a wooden bench and sat down. “Most of the time.”

“
So today’s a rough day, huh?” He sat next her and slipped his arm around her shoulders. “He should be here, though.”

“
Maybe.” She sighed. “I guess we just have different ways of dealing with stuff.”

“
What he’s doing isn’t dealing. You want me to talk to him?”

“
No. He’s trying, Samson. Really he is. Sometimes, though, he needs the space to do things his own way.”

“
And what about you Beth? What do you need?”

“
I’m okay.”

She shivered and he pulled her closer. “How about we go somewhere a little warmer. There's a diner down the road that will be open.”

“I think I ought to go home.” She gave a sad smile. “You’re welcome to come with me, although the place is a little short on festive cheer.”

“
Nah, I’m gonna head on over to the clubhouse.” He pressed his lips against her forehead. “Don’t think your old man would appreciate me being around today. C’mon, I’ll walk you to your car.”

When, the next morning, Joe emerged, bleary eyed and hungover, he found Beth sitting on the bed reading from a small red journal. “What’s that?” He sat next to her and started to read over her shoulder recognizing at once Amy’s sprawling handwriting.

“
I found it in a box at the back of her closet.” She smiled. “There’s all sorts of stuff in there. Tickets from the zoo and the aquarium, letters from you when you were locked up, drawings. She kept everything. Have you any idea just how much she loved you?”

“
Not sure I deserved it.” He kissed her neck. “Not sure I deserve your love either.”

“
Unless you take shower and clean your teeth, you don’t.”

With a rueful grin, he complied. He half expected her to join him and had to swallow his disappointment when not only did she not, but when he returned to the bedroom she was nowhere to be seen. However, the smell of bacon cheered him up. He was pretty hungry after all.

Over the next few days they stayed home, avoiding everyone and taking the opportunity to spend some time with each other. They didn’t talk much, and although they did spend a lot of time making love, it lacked the intensity it once had. It wasn’t bad, it was just…. different. Much of their time, though, was spent just sitting in front of the fire, watching crap on the TV and eating junk food, learning how to be comfortable with each other again. By the time New Year’s Eve came around, both felt ready to face his brothers and their old ladies at the New Year's Eve party.

Beth held tightly onto Joe’s hand as they made their way through the clubhouse. She would rather not have gone, but she knew as Joe’s old lady she was expected to be there, for a little while at least.

FORTY-THREE

Lost. It was the only word he could think of to describe himself. He hardly recognized the man who stared back at him in the mirror each morning.  Beth had tried to push him into expressing his feelings, but when he looked deep inside himself, the only emotion resting there was rage. It seethed and bubbled inside him, like molten lava threatening to burst forth like Vesuvius, destroying everything in its path. The old Joe, the man he was before, had been slow to anger. Despite what he did for the club, he rarely lost his temper. He had believed that the angry teenager he had once been had disappeared forever. But now, he was back with a vengeance. Over the past few months he had accepted any job at any chapter. He had done everything from protection runs, to torture, to killing. Nothing he did would quell the fire.

The last thing he wanted to do was to hurt his old lady. He loved her, or at least he had. No, he still did, he must. He just couldn’t find that feeling anymore. He had been so intent on burying his rage that he had buried everything as well.

Sometimes, there was something else. The best way to describe it would be a pain, although that didn’t really come close to what he felt. It enveloped him, suffocating him and twisting him up inside. On days like this, he would lock himself away and drink himself into oblivion. When he was unconscious he couldn’t see his kid’s face anymore.

As he walked towards the clubhouse, he felt Beth’s hand slip into his. She really didn’t want to be there, and to be honest, neither did he. But it was New Year's Eve and everyone was expected to attend. He could have made an excuse for them, certainly for Beth, but it hadn’t occurred to him until they were crossing the lot just how much she was going to hate this. Again, he was letting her down.

Even after Samson had brought her back, and despite the promises he had made her, and himself, he couldn’t bring himself to care. He was going through the motions; they talked more, at least about superficial stuff. They fucked, too, and he no longer got up and slouched off to his den afterwards. But he couldn’t quite look her in the eye, and on those days when he knew she was struggling, he would pretend not to notice, preferring to disappear to the clubhouse or to go for a long ride.

Maybe he should have felt guilty, but he didn’t. He didn’t feel anything at all.

The clubhouse was packed. Patches, old ladies, whores and hangarounds filled the place and loud music pumped from the PA, making any sort of conversation difficult. Hell, that was fine by Joe. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d actually wanted to talk to anyone. Not that any one would want to talk to him. Most of his brothers gave him a pretty wide berth these days.

Pushing his way through the bar, he ordered a JD for himself and a beer for Beth. If he had to be here, he might as well get smashed on free booze.

“Joe.” Beth touched his arm and he frowned. They hadn’t been there long but already he was on his fifth double. “I really don’t want to be here. I think I’m going to head off home.”

“
I want you to stay.” He handed the prospect his empty glass for a refill.

“
But.”

“
No buts, Beth. You will leave when I say you can leave.”

“
Shit, Joe. Really?” She started to turn and he grabbed her by the arm and pushed her roughly against the bar.

“
You will do as I fucking tell you.” Their eyes met and he saw a flash of something. Fear. She was scared of him. His cock twitched. Hello, that was new. “Stay the fuck there.”

“Brother.” Samson leaned on the bar, positioning himself between Joe and his old lady. “Enjoying the party?”

“
Having a ball. Now if you’ll excuse me, I got things to say to my old lady.”

“
I think you’re done talking to her, brother.” Samson straightened up.

“
You should stay outta my shit, brother.” Joe threw the last of his JD down his throat. “Bitch needs putting in her place.”

“
Now, Tiny. I’m not the type of dude to get between a brother and his old lady, and I’m sure I was mistaken when it looked like you were manhandling her.”

Beth gently touched his back. “It’s okay, Samson.”

“No it’s not, Beth.” He turned. “Why don’t you go and talk to Yaz. Me and your old man need to have a little chat.”

“
No. It’s not that I don’t appreciate you looking out for me. But really, it’s fine.”

“
Yeah, why don’t you fuck off, and leave me and my old lady alone.” If Joe had been sober he would never have talked to Samson like that. There were few people who could take him down, but his former president was one of them. And you never disrespected a president of any chapter. “Of course if you’d like a piece, I’m sure we can come to some arrangement.”

“
I’m gonna pretend I never heard that brother, but if you ever disrespect me or your old lady like that again, we are gonna have a serious problem.”

Joe shrugged. “There’s always the ring.”

“Oh you’d fucking love that. I’m your brother and I’m your friend, But this”—he pointed to his president patch—“You will respect.”

“
You lost that respect when you started pushing up on my old lady.”

“
Joe!” Beth stepped forward. “Samson would never do that. How could you say that?”

“
Cuz I got eyes, bitch.” He pushed Samson out of the way and loomed over her. “You telling me that asshole wasn’t fucking you in LA?”

“
Of course not.” They were yelling now. All around them, conversations were stopping and people were looking over at them.

“
Bullshit. You’ve always been all over him, even before….before.” He swallowed. “What I don’t understand is why you came back.”

“
Because I love you. And so does Samson. Shit, Joe, I can't believe you would think that either of us would do something like that. I’m not my fucking sister.” She spun on her heel and pushed her way through the crowd towards the door.

Joe glared at the assembled crowd. “What the fuck are you looking at?”

Barney laughed and slung his arm around Samson's shoulder. “A fucking idiot.”

“You okay?” Yaz leaned against the clubhouse wall and passed her joint to Beth.

“
I can’t believe he would say something like that. He knows how I feel about him.” Beth took a long drag on the joint and passed it back.

Yaz stared out across the lot. “I guess after everything that happened, he’s scared you’re drifting apart. And you and Samson are close.”

“Jesus. Not you, too. I would never cheat on Joe, ever. I know things aren’t great between us.” She sighed. “Sometimes it feels like I don’t know him anymore, but I still love him, no matter how bad things got, I could never do anything to hurt him.”

“
And Samson? He’s never pushed up on you?”

“
Of course not. He loves Joe. If it wasn’t for him, I’d probably still be in LA.”

“
If you love him so much, why did you leave? Shit, if I pulled a stunt like that Bugs would drag me back by my hair.”

“
I told you before.”

“
No, you gave some bullshit story about you both needing some space. He hit you, didn’t he? That’s the only reason you would leave.”

Beth closed her eyes, but said nothing. Yaz frowned. “You gonna run again?”

“He scares me sometimes. When I look into his eyes, it’s like he’s not there. I never wanted to run in the first place.”

“
That sounds like a yes.” Yaz pushed herself away from the wall. “You’re an old lady. Your place is next to Tiny, giving him the support that he needs. That ink you wear, it doesn’t come off. You belong to him until he says otherwise.” She shivered. “It’s cold, I’m going back in. I suggest you do the same.”

Beth watched as she walked back in, then turned and walked in the opposite direction out onto the cold Seattle streets.

~ oOo ~

Joe,

I didn’t want to have to do this, and maybe I was naïve, but I thought that as long as we loved each other, we could work through this. I know now that I was wrong. I’m not blaming you, you can't help how you feel. But this isn’t my fault either. Whatever it was that we had, has gone.

I can’t stay any longer. If I do, you are going to hurt me, and I can’t allow that to happen. I’m not leaving because I don’t love you, I do. As much as I ever did. It’s not even that you accused me of cheating with your best friend, even though it kills me that you could think that I would ever do something like that. I’m leaving because if I stay, you will destroy me.

I don’t know where I am going, and even if I did I wouldn’t tell you. Please don’t try to find me.

I hope that with time you can come to terms with losing Amy, but to do that, Joe, you have to open up your heart and I don’t think that’s something you are capable of. You are a good man, and you were the best father Amy could have hoped for.

Thank you for all the good times. I’m sorry it had to end like this.

I will love you always.

Beth.

Joe tore through the house like a tornado, smashing everything in his path. That rage that he had kept bottled up for so long was finally unleashed and nothing was safe. He’d lost her, for good this time. And he had no one to blame but himself. Finally, exhausted, he sank onto the bed and looked around the trashed bedroom, his eyes falling on the box containing Amy’s keepsakes. He wondered briefly why Beth hadn’t taken it, but he already knew the answer. She had left it for him, in the hope that one day he would be brave enough to look inside. Taking a deep breath, he bent and picking up the box, opened the lid.

She hadn’t been exaggerating, Amy had kept everything. Typically of her, there was no order. There were letters from him. Birthday cards and recipes for her favorite food from his ma, even letters from Maria. There were photographs, some of her with her friends, some with Jack and Maria and some with him. As he looked at them, Joe felt that familiar pain rising in his chest. She looked so happy, so beautiful. He ran his thumb across the image. “I fucked up, Sugar. If you were here, you would be ripping me a new one right now. I’ve lost her, Amy.”

He laid the photographs on the bed and pulled out a pink sketch pad and started to turn the pages. Inside, as well as drawings, there were poems, quotes, song lyrics and what looked like diary entries. Again, because this was Amy and she had always been chaotic, there was no particular order. It was as if when something popped into her head she opened the book on any page and jotted it down in her sprawling, messy handwriting. Feeling like he was in some way spying on her, Joe’s eyes fell on an entry.

‘
Wow. Finally Joe and Beth got it together!!! I am soooo stoked. Perhaps he will stop being such a miserable asshole now. Beth is soooo cool and she has loved him for like forever. Course he was too stupid to notice. She won't cheat like mom did and she will always be there for him. I really hope it works out for them both.’

He turned the page.

‘Shit Joe is such an asshole, he knows I wanted to go to Kelly’s party on Saturday. And now he’s saying no just cuz I was late home last night. It’s not my fault that I missed the bus. If he had come and gave me a ride home I would have got home on time. He was probably fucking some tart. I really hate him sometimes. At least mom didn’t have a curfew.’

He smiled. She had given him so much shit over that. His breath caught as the pain intensified and he snapped the book closed. Even though he knew she wouldn’t answer he pulled out his cell and dialed. Beth’s number. “Please, Beth. I’m not gonna pressure you, but please call me and let me know you’re okay. I just, I just need to hear your voice. I'm sorry, baby girl. I should never have accused you of cheating. I'm an asshole, but I do love you. Bye.”

Even as he laid the phone back on the bed, he knew she wouldn’t call him back. He was amazed she had put up with him for as long as she had. Him pushing her around and accusing her of cheating had been the final straw. Shit. He ran his fingers through his hair. She didn’t deserve that.

~ oOo ~

Samson parked his bike and headed round to the back of the house. He lifted the stone that hid the back door key and let himself in. “Shit.” Joe had really done a number on the place. “Tiny. Where you at?”

“
Up here.”

He negotiated his way through the wreckage and ran up the stairs to where Joe was sitting, sifting through Amy’s mementos. “I take it by the carnage that your old lady has taken off.” He sat down on the bed. “You’re a fucking idiot Tiny.”

“Some things never change, bro.” Joe shrugged. “I was way outta line last night. To you and Beth.”

“
You were, but right now I’m gonna put it down to the drink and let it go. You got any idea where Beth has gone?”

“
No. She left a note, said she ain't gonna tell me. I’ve really fucked up this time, Samson.”