A Dom's Dilemma (26 page)

“So, what now? Do you want me to start kneeling before you again?”

He could hear the pain in her voice through the anger, and it ate at him in more ways than one. “No, sugar, I don’t. Truthfully, I’m not sure what I do want, Kelly, which is part of the problem. I like you, darlin’, a lot. Maybe too much for me to be a proper Dom to you.”

“I don’t understand. I thought you said it was an all or nothing proposition?”

“It is,” he said softly.

“Oh.”

“Kelly, don’t think I’m rejectin’ you, because I’m not. Honest.” She didn’t say anything, so he added, “I just think it might be best if we didn’t see or talk to each other for a while until I’m sure I’m doin’ right by you.”

“I see.” The words sounded flat, toneless.

He could hear Kelly’s protective wall go up with a snap, and it really bothered him, so he said, “Would you like to meet and talk about it in a few days?”

“Isn’t that what you’re trying to avoid? Talking and dealing with me? Won’t that sort of defeat your purpose in telling me all this?”

Granting her yet another allowance, he said, “Kelly, I don’t want you to get upset. I shouldn’t have said anythin’. Not over the phone like this. I’m sorry.”

“Wow! I should run into the other room and mark this moment on my calendar. My Dom actually apologized to me, his lowly sub.”

That was stretching his tolerance one inch too far. “Kelly….”

“Yes, Sir?”

“You think I can’t hear the petulance in your tone, young lady? Because I can, and it will get you into lots of trouble.”

“Says who?”

“Says me. Now, are you in bed?”

“What?”

“I asked if you were in bed, young lady, and I expect a proper answer from you.”

“Yes, Sir.”

“Better. Are you wearin’ pajamas or a nightie?”

She hesitated, then said, “A nightie, Sir.”

“Describe it to me.”

“Look, Jim–”

“I gave you an order, little girl, and I expect you to obey. Now!” he snapped, knowing it would bring her submissiveness to the fore.

“Yes, Sir. Um, it’s short, mid thigh I guess. White with pink and blue flowers, a little lace around the neckline and sleeves, and one small pink satin bow.”

“Sounds pretty. Are you wearin’ panties with it?”

“I don’t understand. Why…?”

“Answer my question,” he ordered more sharply.

“No, Sir. No panties.”

“Good girl. Did you take another shower tonight?”

“Um. Yes, Sir.”

“And….”

“I didn’t do anything I wasn’t supposed to, Sir.”

“Pleased to hear it. Did you put on the butt cream I gave you?” Silence. “Kelly…”

“I forgot,” she admitted, and it sounded like she was torn between telling him the truth, and telling him to go to hell..

“All right. Go do it now,” he instructed firmly.

“What?”

“Do not make me repeat myself. Put the phone down, apply the cream like I told you, then come back and pick up the phone again.”

“You’re serious?’

“Unless you want a spankin’ the next time we’re together, you’d best do what I tell you now, little girl.”

“Yes, Sir,” she said, and he heard the receiver slam down. His feisty sub was getting ticked with him, and he couldn’t say he blamed her. He shouldn’t have tried to discuss his feelings of inadequacy with her. Especially, not over the phone. She needed him strong, and she liked him commanding, even though she pretended she didn’t. But this was damn hard to carry off when she was out of his reach.

She picked up her receiver again. “Cream’s on as ordered, Sir.”

“Very good. Are your teeth brushed and are you ready for bed now?”

“Yes, Sir. I even washed my face and behind my ears … Sir.”

“Sarcasm is not permitted. Apologize.” Silence, though he could hear heavy breathing. He suspected she wanted to curse at him. “I’m waiting, Kelly,” he prompted.

“Sir, may I ask a question?”

“After you apologize, you may.”

Sigh. “I’m sorry for being sarcastic with you, Sir.”

“Apology accepted. You may ask your question now.”

“With all due respect, Sir…. What the fuck are you doing?”

“Language….”

“Would you please just answer the question, Sir?”

“I should think it would be obvious. I’m trying to bring my disrespectful sub back under control.”

“And is that all, Sir?”

“No…. I’m also tryin’ to say I care for her deeply, and want to make sure she takes good care of herself when I’m not close enough to watch over her.”

“So, you’re saying–”

“I’m sayin’ I want you to settle down now, and listen to me. All right?”

“I don’t know whether to laugh, cry, or stick my tongue out at you right now.”

“One of those could get you into a lotta trouble, little girl. If you’re ready for bed, I want you to turn out the light, lay back and listen.”

With a put upon sigh, he heard her switch off her light.

“Very good. Now, are you lyin’ down?”

“Yes, Sir.”

“All right then. If you’re calm now, I’ll tell you how I felt tonight when I got home and you weren’t here. Are you willin’ to listen?”

“Yes, Sir,” her voice was whisper-soft now, so he knew she was listening intently.

Hoping he wasn’t making an even larger mistake by confessing his feelings, he said, “I found myself wanderin’ around here like I was lost. I had trouble concentratin’ because I kept imaginin’ you here talkin’ and laughin’ with me. Eatin’ dinner alone was the worst. By the way, what did you have for dinner?” Silence again. “Kelly, you did eat didn’t you?”

“Yes. I think I fixed myself a sandwich. I wasn’t paying much attention, since I wasn’t very hungry.”

“Yeah, I had the same problem, which isn’t very Dom-like of me at all.”

“Sir, I’m confused.”

“Yeah, darlin’. I know you are, because I am, and that’s the problem.”

“So, do you still want to see me, or not?”

“It was never a question of want, Kelly. I want to see you. I badly want to make love to you, and I want to do many more things like we did this weekend, Friday night excepted, of course.”

“So, why am I still hearing a ‘but,’ Sir?”

“Because, I don’t think I’m bein’ fair to you. I don’t think I’m givin’ you what you need, but only because I don’t like to see you unhappy or upset.”

“Right now, Sir…. You are giving me exactly what I need.”

“No. I’m givin’ you what you want, darlin’. Not what you need.”

“Respectfully, Sir, I should like to disagree with you.”

“Not permitted.”

She laughed, then softly added, “You’re not going to want to hear this, but I need to say it any way.”

“Go on,” he said reluctantly.

“I love you.”

He didn’t know what to say to that. He was so close to feeling the same way, but until he could reconcile things better in his mind, he refused to say the words.

He must have taken too long because she added, “You don’t have to say anything back. I know you don’t feel the same way, but I wanted to tell you anyway, because you want me to be truthful, and it might help explain some of my reactions to you.”

“I do thank you for bein’ honest, darlin’. You should always tell me your feelin’s, even when you’re spittin’ mad at me. I’ll probably sense it then, but in case I’m too thick to get the message, you should let me know.”

She chuckled. “Thank you, Sir. I feel much better now that we’ve talked. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight, my beautiful, sexy, bright and funny Kelly. I’ll try to give you a call tomorrow. Until then, I expect you to take good care of yourself. Hear?”

“Yes, Sir,” she said on a yawn. “I will, Sir. I think I’ll be able to go to sleep now, though I still wish you were here with me.”

“Me, too,” he admitted. “Till tomorrow, then.”

Jim hung up, turned off his light and fell asleep very quickly after that.

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

Monday morning found Jim standing by the coffee machine in the station’s break room, staring at it with his mug in hand. He felt better after talking with Kelly last night, even though he suspected that wasn’t necessarily a good thing. Yeah, she had sounded submissive enough over the phone when he came down on her, and she had melted considerably when he admitted how he felt after he’d dropped her off, but he still didn’t think he was being fair with her.

He hadn’t lied when he told her he wanted her. He still ached for her something fierce, but suspecting she loved him, and hearing her admit it aloud, added a whole new complication to things. If he continued with her, they would first need to clarify exactly what their respective roles were going to be. She preferred a casual relationship. He wasn’t into high protocol, but her idea of casual was a lot more informal than he liked. And a lot more intimate. Not the sex, since they hadn’t even gotten to that part, yet, but the loving and romantic part.

He was affectionate with his subs, at least he tried to be, but he’d never been as attuned to their slightest wince, frown or smile as he appeared to be with Kelly. He didn’t think that was wrong, but if being so attentive to her moods kept him from giving her what she needed … then staying with her would definitely be a mistake. However, the thought of giving her up to another Dom wasn’t acceptable to him, either. He still hadn’t decided what he should do when Kyle stepped up to grab the coffee pot.

“Thinking of cutting back?” Kyle asked with a smile in his voice.

Jim shook his head and poured himself a cup, preferring it hot and black.

“Want to go outside and talk for a minute?”

Aware it was his own surly attitude which prompted Kyle’s question, Jim shrugged. “Sure, why not? I’m sure you’d like to be reassured I didn’t kill your former sub after you left us on Friday.”

Kyle gave a halfhearted chuckle, and Jim recalled his fellow officer was experiencing more than a few difficulties with his own girl right now. They stepped outside on the patio set up for officers who liked to smoke, since the government building had a strict “no smoking” policy. Neither he nor Kyle indulged in that particular vice, though they more than made up for it in other ways. Besides, the area offered tables, seats and shade, so he found it relaxing to go out and sit awhile sometimes.

“I’m sure Kelly is fine,” Kyle said after a minute. “I watched you with her, and though you were firm enough to occasionally cause her a little pain, you weren’t cruel or harsh.”

Jim sort of chuckled at that. “Wish I could say the same. God, Kyle. I just don’t know what to make of that filly. I was so angry on Friday, I was ready to kill her. Almost.”

“I realize she can be difficult, Jim, so you don’t have to tell me what happened unless you want another Dom to talk to,” Kyle said with a measure of empathy Jim appreciated. He wasn’t the sort to kiss and tell, but right now he could use the opinion of someone else in the lifestyle who would be frank enough to tell him if he and Kelly were headed down a path of heartache and disaster.

“I’d appreciate your thoughts, if you’ve got time. I’ll bring you up to speed, so you can understand where I’m comin’ from, then tell you what has me most concerned.” At Kyle’s nod, Jim told him how he’d reduced Kelly to the status of a slave only to notice how red and raw her wrists were after he finally removed the handcuffs. He admitted to feeling bad about marking her, but simply treated them with first aid cream then ordered her to strip and stand in a corner to await his pleasure.

Taking a pause for a sip of coffee, Jim ran a shaking hand over his eyes. It upset him just to think about that night, let alone tell it. “I know she’s almost thirty years old, but when she stepped into the livin’ room, eyes red, body tremblin’, she looked no older than twelve to me, and I felt like a G–-D–– child abuser.

“As a Dom, I have punished my share of women before, and I’ve paddled a whole slew of ‘em both at the club and privately, but this was the first time I felt nauseous about carryin’ it out. All the same I–” Jim’s phone rang, seeing it was Kelly, he held up a finger to indicate he’d need a minute, then answered it, “Evans.”

At first, all he heard was sobbing. “What’s wrong, Kelly?” he asked, the small hairs at the nape of his neck prickling with alarm. He recognized terror when he heard it, and something had frightened her badly. He leaned forward in his seat, unable to make out a single word she said. “Kelly, stop cryin’, darlin’, I can’t understand you.”

Then she managed to gasp out, “I think he found me.” Jim shot to his feet. “Who found you?” he demanded.

“Mike.”

Who the hell was Mike?
“I need more information than that, Kelly. Where are you?”

“Home.”

“Home? Didn’t you have work today?”

“No.”

He gave a quick nod. “All right. Are all your windows locked and secure?”

“Yes, Sir,” she answered, responding to his sharp, commanding tone. Good, at least she’d settled down some.

“Front door still locked?”

“Yes, Sir.”

“Good girl. Stay in your livin’ room away from any windows and I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

“Yes, Sir. Thank you, Sir.”

“Right. See you in a few,” he replied, disconnecting their call and turning back to Kyle. “What can you tell me about a ‘Mike?’“

“Not much. I believe he was her Dom before I was. Why?”

“So, was he the fucker who messed her up inside?”

“I’m not sure what you mean. I wasn’t aware anything was wrong with her.”

“When I examined her, I noticed some scarrin’. The type of scarrin’ a woman gets when a man is puttin’ things up her rectum that had no business bein’ there. You never tried anal with her?”

Kyle shook his head. “No. I guess not. I’m not sure why exactly, but for some reason we never did.”

Jim nodded, not really surprised. “No doubt she subtly steered you away from the activity. I threatened her with a butt plug yesterday and thought she’d pass out from the mere mention of it. Somethin’ happened to her, Kyle. Somethin’ bad. And I think this ‘Mike’ asshole is responsible.

“I’m workin’ a case with a guy who likes puttin’ razor blades up inside ladies where the sun don’t shine, and they’re too petrified to talk about it. He’s gotten five girls already. None of ‘em died, but all of ‘em required surgery to correct what this pervert did, and I can’t get one of ‘em to say a peep about who hurt ‘em.