A Different Side (University Park #4) (71 page)

“Call me as soon as you get there, okay?”

I leaned the box against my leg and hugged her. “I will.”

She squeezed me tightly. “I’ll be worried since you don’t have a phone.”

I gave her a kiss on her forehead. “I’ll let you know now. I won’t get there until tomorrow morning.”

Her arms released from my neck, but she held on to my forearms. “Why? Are you planning on staying in Houston or something?”

“No.” I exhaled, telling myself this was something I had to do. “I’m taking the bus.”

“The bus? What about your car?”

I grabbed the box wedged between my leg and the car and shut the trunk. “This car was never mine to begin with.”

Mom’s eyes widened and then relaxed. From the day I brought the car home, she’d questioned how I got it. I lied to her, just like I lied to everyone else. The only people who knew were Lexi and Sam DeLaGarza, the owner of AutoWorld. “So, what are you going to do?”

I gave my car a nice pat. “I’m taking her back to the dealership.”

Her eyes glistened again. “I’m proud of you, son.” She lifted to the tips of her toes and kissed my cheek. “Despite everything that has happened, I want you to know I love you and I’m proud of you. I always will be.”

“Thanks, Mom.” I wiped a stray tear. “You don’t know how much I needed to hear that.”

Σ

Chapter 46

Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does.

Love is a battle, love is a war; love is growing up.

~James A. Baldwin

Nearly eight weeks had passed since I’d arrived to the hot, humid, breezeless lands of New Orleans. But it was home to me and it’s where I felt grounded. Even though I had moved to Fort Worth nine years ago, I spent most of my life here in this great town with my mom’s family. It’s what I knew and it’s what I needed.

Every night, I lie in bed, thinking about Lexi. Thinking about calling her and apologizing for being an asshole. But with each passing day, I knew it was too late for that. She didn’t want to hear my pathetic excuses. I’d said them one too many times. But the truth was, I needed her badly — just like a bee needs its hive. I felt lost, buzzing around without a direction. Not knowing where to go or what to do next. My love for her was true and she’d own a piece of my heart forever.

It had taken me a few weeks to pick up the phone and call Dr. Galen. I told him everything that happened — at least through my eyes. I’m sure he already knew some version of the story. But he urged me to talk about it with him and doing so helped, because I’d been holding it in since I arrived to New Orleans. Mimi was good about being supportive, giving me the privacy and space I needed. She never pried or got into my business, just asked if I needed anything.

He made me realize there was no escaping what happened. I might have felt better in another town because I was way from the daily memories, but at some point, I’d have to face them. I didn’t know when that point would be, but for now, I was where I needed to be and handling my issues the best I could. The demons were stronger this time, but I kept my guard up and refused to turn to drugs or alcohol. Instead, I used the tools Dr. Galen continued to teach me. Sometimes they worked; sometimes they didn’t.

He also encouraged me to talk about football with my friends and get back in my game. But I wasn’t ready for that. Although I hadn’t made much progress, I had accepted the fact that my football days were indeed over. Since I didn’t have a cell phone, it was easy to keep my distance from Shawn and Josh. I even refused to talk to them when they called Mimi’s house phone.

The draft had come and gone, and although I was tempted to watch it on TV, I didn’t. I avoided the newspapers and sports radio stations, and since Mimi didn’t have cable or internet, it made it that much easier to keep away from the latest buzz. Although my MacBook made it very tempting to go find the nearest hot spot location, I stayed strong and kept my head focused on trying to heal.

I dashed downstairs when I heard the sounds of the piano filter through the house. For a moment, I wondered if it was Lexi playing, but I sighed in relief when I saw Mimi sitting on the bench. She was playing a song…a very familiar song. Emotions rocked through me as she struck the keys to
All of Me
. The first song I heard Lexi play. Chills covered my arms and the back of my neck. My throat thickened with the threat of tears, but I swallowed them back.

“Do you like this song?” Mimi asked as her fingers glided up and down the keyboard, playing louder as I neared her. It was as if she knew that song had a special meaning to me.

“Um…yeah, it’s a beautiful song,” I said with a slight sniffle.

“You should call her. It’s graduation day, you know.”

I rolled my eyes. Leave it to my mom to tell her. Part of me was sad that I wasn’t there to celebrate with her, but she probably didn’t want me there anyways…or did she? I wondered if she was thinking about me, like I was thinking about her. No matter what I did, I couldn’t get her out of my mind. I thought about the day when I snuck her into the Marshalls’ suite at the stadium to have her first beer. How I tried to kiss to her and how she turned me down. I never had a woman keep count of all the reasons they shouldn’t be with me. I bet Lexi was regretting giving in to my trap. Then again, so was I.

I remembered when she wore my jersey to the game and made all the females jealous. I laughed internally. No one would ever replace my Lexi. I think the best part was when we sang
Lean On Me
to each other. She had promised to be there for me, no matter what. But I didn’t let her. Why was I so damn hardheaded? The monsters in my head quickly reminded me.
I didn’t deserve her.
Regardless, she’d be a part of me forever, no matter what.

Mimi stopped playing and swiveled around. “Have a seat.” She patted the chair in front of her.

I sat down and took a deep breath. I knew her lecture was coming at some point. I guess this was it. “I know what you’re going to say—”

“You do?” She adjusted her big, round glasses. “If that’s the case, then why haven’t you done what I’m about to tell you?”

I shrugged and stared at the shaggy rug beneath my feet. “I don’t know. I’m just not ready to face the situation.”

She moved closer to me. “Boy, listen to me when I say this. You’ll never be ready. You just have to man up and do it. Face it head on and show it who’s boss. That’s how your Papaw was.” She glanced at the old photo hanging over the mantel of the fireplace. “He never let anything hold him back. If he wanted something, he went for it.” She straightened and smiled.

“I guess that something being you?” I inclined my head, keeping my gaze on her.

Her cheeks reddened and she fanned herself. “Well, yes, of course.”

“He sounds like he was a good man.”

“He was…” she let out a soft sigh. “Too bad he died before you were born.”

“Yeah, too bad.” It seemed like my life would always be void of influential men. I didn’t know my father or grandfather. The one stepfather who was somewhat decent, died before I gave him a chance. This was obviously some family curse we’d been hit with and I think it affected me more than I’d realized.

“Anyhow, if he were here today, he’d tell you if you love this woman, don’t hold back. To go to her, beg for her forgiveness, and promise to be there for her no matter what happens.” Her eyes glossed over and she wiped the area underneath her eyes. “Raven, nothing in life is fair. Life is hard with twists and turns. But you have to trust that God has a bigger plan for you. One you might not understand at the moment. But if you hang in there and do what’s right, then doors that you never thought would open suddenly present themselves and you’re rewarded for all your hard work.”

“Sometimes it’s hard to see those doorways when you’re stuck in the long hallway leading to nowhere.”

“That’s where your faith comes in.” She smiled and patted my leg. “When your Papaw died, it was the hardest thing ever. He left me to raise three young girls and I had no idea how I was going to do it. My mother and father, you’re great-grandparents, were old and sick. Being the oldest, I did what I had to do…worked two jobs, and took care of everyone. And with the help of my brother and sister, we did it. God never gives you anything you can’t handle.”

I twitched my lips to the side. “He must think I can handle a lot of shit.”

A low laugh released, followed by another sniffle. “Oh, Raven, your life is just starting and you have so much to be thankful for.” She grabbed my hand and held on to it. “I know it might be hard to see right now because of what happened at PHU, but trust me, everything will work out in the end. It always does.”

I squeezed her hand. “I pray you’re right, Mimi.”

***

I thought about what my mom, Dr. Galen, and Mimi had said. But even after two weeks, I still couldn’t bring myself to call Lexi. I wanted to see her, talk to her, tell her I still loved her, but I knew she could do so much better than me. I had nothing to offer her. Hell, I couldn’t even apply for admission to another university for at least a year or until Mr. Marshall got the charges dropped. Without a degree, I didn’t have many options.

The damn demons in my head reminded me I was perfect for doing yard work. I tossed the manual hedge trimmers on the ground, went to the porch, and took a drink of water. The hot June sun beat down on my nearly baldhead, burning it despite the sunblock I’d slathered on. I had shaved my head after a night of battling with the monsters. It made me feel better, for a day or so.

The only thing I had to be happy about was the body fat I’d lost and lean muscles I gained. I had no idea what good ole’ fashion yard work could do for the body. Mimi had a big lot with tons of trees and shrubs, which kept me busy. Once her neighbors saw how nice I’d cleaned her yard, they all started paying me to do the same. Before I knew it, I was doing landscaping full-time. It wasn’t the ideal job, and I didn’t plan on doing it forever, but the vigorous work kept my mind off the painful things in life.

I surveyed the street, glad to see it had successfully rebuilt after Hurricane Katrina left it in shambles. I shook my head, not ready to face those painful memories. It had been years, but it was still devastating to me. Picking up the trimmers, I went back to shaping the hedges in front of Mimi’s house. I glanced over my shoulder when I heard a car stop. It was a taxi, which caught me off guard for a minute. Mimi had left early that morning to run errands and visit some friends in a nursing home. I didn’t expect her back until later that evening. I wondered if her car had broken down or something. Then I saw her.

Lexi.

I did a double take, not sure if my eyes were seeing things. My body stiffened as she walked in my direction. Immediately, the voices broke through. Reminding me she had no business coming here. That she was here to tell me off. That she didn’t want me, only wanted to hurt me and cause more problems. Problems I didn’t need. But most of all, that I didn’t deserve her and she was better off without me.

I dropped the hedge trimmers and darted toward her. “What are you doing here?” I leveled her with a hard stare. She took a step back and reached for the taxi door handle, but stopped.

Turning to face me, she said, “I need to tell you something.”

She had a certain glow about her, almost angelic.

“Why didn’t you just call?”

“I would have, but your phone isn’t working.”

Damn it.

“That’s because I turned it off.” I scowled, wishing I had bought a new one. Save her the trip and this encounter with my demons.

She placed her hand on her hip, holding my gaze. “Why did you leave me?”

I knew it!
She was there to bitch me out.

My jaw tightened as I spat each word. “That’s what you came here for?”

“Were you that chicken shit that you couldn’t tell me in person?”

She clearly needed to let off some steam and I really wasn’t in the mood to hear it. “Lexi, just go back home.” I waved her off and went back to what I was doing. The voices didn’t let up. Laughing at me. Calling me a chicken shit, just like she had. Not only was I a BIG ASS LOSER, I was a pussy.

I had stolen her precious soul and she was here to let me know she didn’t appreciate it. I had done her so wrong. Torn out her heart and left it to die. Then again, that was what demons did. And they knew how to rule me and destroy everything and anything I loved.

“Why do you keep thinking you’re not good enough for me? I don’t get it.”

“Because I’m not, Lexi.” I huffed a few times and stopped chopping when I realized the shrub was nearly down to the root.

Fuck!

“Can’t you see that? Why do you want to be with a loser like me?” I whirled around and faced her, jabbing a finger in the center of my chest. “I can barely support myself, much less you. And I sure as hell don’t expect for you to support my ass.”

Her face turned cold and she threw her hands up in the air. “Do you really think I’m that shallow? Do you think I’m that money hungry or something? Because if I gave you that impression, I’m sorry. I don’t care what profession you choose, Raven, as long as it’s legit. There are plenty of other occupations aside from football.”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know, how about landscaping? Looks like you’ve been doing a great job on your grandmother’s house.” She did a quick glance around the yard. “Why not start a business?”

That was the absolute last thing I wanted to hear. My face twisted in disgust. “I don’t want to do this shit for a living.” I threw the trimmers to the ground. “I’m only doing this to help my grandmother, not because I enjoy it.”

“Fine. I’m just giving you an example. But if you love football that much, you should consider the supplemental draft.”

“Wh-what?” I couldn’t believe she was telling me this. Had Shawn or Josh been talking to her? “No one is going to pick me up. No team wants a player with off-field issues, especially not mine.” I laughed hard, rolling my eyes.