A Different Side (University Park #4) (70 page)

“That’s not true, man, and you know it. Shit, you got a top twenty ranking with thirty-nine touchdowns and forty-two-hundred yards of total offense this past season! Who doesn’t want a quarterback with those stats?”

I took another swig, agreeing with the voice that said that was pure luck and would never be achieved again. “It’s not happening, I’m telling you.”

“You’re wrong, man.” Shawn shook his head. “You’ve got talent teams are dyin’ for.”

Inclining my head in his direction, I said, “If that were true, PHU would’ve given me another chance.”

“PHU made a big mistake letting you go.” Shawn picked up a rock and flung it across the grass. “It pisses me off because those tickets were measly misdemeanors. Pro teams don’t give a shit about those little mishaps.”

I shrugged and brought the bottle to my lips again. “I fucked up and now I’m paying for it.” I tilted my head back. The burning sensation had dissipated, allowing a soothing numbness that made every swallow easier.

“I think you’ve had enough.” He motioned for the bottle.

I pulled it from his reach. “Fuck off. I’m not done.”

“Alright. It’s your liver and it’s your life. If you want to end up in the hospital again, be my guest.”

“I’m actually hoping I’ll drink myself to death this time.” I smiled and held the bottle up, giving him a toast.

“You want to die? Leave Lexi, your mom, and your brothers?” Shawn glanced at his phone and then slipped it in his back pocket. “They’re worried about you, man.”

I shrugged. “They don’t need to worry about me anymore. They’re better off without me.”

He shook his head. “Stop talking crap. You know they need you and you need them.”

“No one needs me.” I burped and wiped my mouth with the back of my hand.

“You’re needed more than you know.” He scratched his head and then stood up. “Come on, let’s go.”

He extended his hand and I shoved it away. I reclined against the tree behind me, crossing my ankles. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“You’re going to stay out here all night?” He looked around the park. “It’ll be getting dark soon and someone’s going to rob your ass.”

“Good. Let them. I have nothing to give.” I spent the money in my pocket on two bottles of whiskey so I hope they wanted some loose change because that was all they were getting.

“I can’t leave you out here. Let’s go back to my place and finish that bottle together.” He held out his hand and I turned my nose. “Don’t leave me hanging, man.”

I glanced at the half-empty bottle as I considered his offer. Without my car, I’d have to walk back to the apartment — if I could make it. Chances were I’d end up in jail and I didn’t need any more tickets, fines, or attorney fees. “I’ll go with you, but you get your own damn bottle. This one’s mine.” I clutched it to my chest. I liked the way it numbed the pain. Pain that consumed every part of my being.

“Alright. I’ll stop and buy my own damn bottle.” He extended his hand further, but I pushed it away. I didn’t need his help. I pressed my left hand to the ground and leaned to the side, struggling to stand. The ground shifted and I stumbled from side to side, trying to keep my balance.

“Damn, you’re fucked up.” Shawn hooked an arm around me and guided me up the hill to the small parking lot. “You better not hurl in my car,” he huffed as he struggled to get us to the top.

“I’m not throwing up, man. I like this feeling too much.” I laughed, hearing the demon voices telling me to drink more. To drown myself in the strong tincture that would take away all my pain.

“Yeah, yeah, I’ve heard that one before.” Shawn hit the remote, opened the door to his Camaro, and helped me get in.

He exited the parking lot and drove toward campus. Everything zipped past me in a whirl, causing my already sluggish mind to spin. The voices grew louder, reminding me my days were over, that Lexi didn’t need me and wouldn’t want me…to just go away and never come back. PHU and Fort Worth were better off without Raven Davenport. Maybe they were right. I’d had enough of this town.

“You should text Lexi and let her know you’re okay,” Shawn said as he stopped at a light.

I pulled my phone from my back pocket and tossed it on the center console between us. “Can’t. I broke my phone.” The shattered glass and twisted frame reminded me what I was capable of. I destroyed everything and anything I came in contact with — including Lexi. I’d warned her, but she was so damn hardheaded and I was so wrapped up in her sweetness, it confused me. But not this time. I wouldn’t bring her down with me anymore.

“Here, use mine.” Shawn handed me his phone.

I took it from his hand. For a second, I considered texting her and telling her it was over and she was better off without me. But she already knew that and I didn’t need to hear it from her. I had enough bad news to last me a lifetime and then some. I set it next to my crushed phone. “I’ll text her later.”

Shawn shot me a quick gaze and then took off when the light turned. I think he knew what was going through my mind. He was always good at seeing through my bullshit lies. Then again, I really didn’t care. My life was over.

***

After spending a day and a half at Shawn’s parents’ house drunk, disoriented, and distraught, I told him to take me back to my apartment. I’d done enough crying on his dad’s shoulder. If anyone understood my issues, it was Ron. He was a Marine veteran who did several tours in Iraq before retiring. What I liked most about him was he didn’t judge me. He just listened and offered words of advice. Although…I couldn’t recall much of what he’d said. In the end there was nothing left for me and it was time for me to go.

I tossed the last box of stuff I didn’t need in the dumpster and went back inside. With each step I took, my feet hesitated, but I pushed forward. I had to get my shit and get out of there. I zipped up my duffle bag and placed the lid on the box with memories of Lexi and me. The best therapy was just to let go of it all. Get away from all the things reminding me of my time at PHU, and most of all, Lexi.

I swung my bag over my shoulder, picked up the box of memories, and shut my bedroom door, not bothering to look back. If I looked back, I knew I’d regret my decision to leave. And as hard as it was, I had to move on. Lexi didn’t deserve any more torment, and if she stayed with me, misery was all I’d ever bring her. She needed to get on with her life, and that didn’t include me with her.

Grabbing the knob, I shut the apartment door and locked it. I slid the key under the mat, knowing Josh would find it later, and descended the stairs. I put my stuff in the trunk and then got in the car, driving toward my mom’s job. I didn’t really want to show up at her work, but I had to tell her I was leaving town and I didn’t want to wait until she got off to do it.

I pulled into the parking lot of the manufacturing plant and parked in a visitor’s spot. I entered the main doors and an older woman at the front desk immediately greeted me.

“Hello, can I help you?”

Pressing my hands against the counter, I said, “Yes, I need to see my mom, Trish Williams.”

“Okay, just a moment.” The lady typed some information into the computer and picked up the phone. “Hi, Martin. It’s Judy at the front desk. I have Trish Williams’s son here to see her. Can you send her to the front?” She smiled at me. “Okay. I’ll let him know.”

“She’ll be here in a few minutes. You can have a seat over there if you’d like.” She pointed to a group of chairs along the wall.

“Thank you, Judy.” I shot her a quick smile and sat down. The clock on the wall flashed 11:27 in the morning. She was about to go to lunch. As I waited, I rehearsed what I was going to tell her. Since I hadn’t called her, I knew she was going to be pissed. I just hoped she wouldn’t slap the shit out of me here in the lobby.

“Raven!”

I looked up to see Mom scanning her badge at the turnstile. “Hey, Mom.”

She rushed toward me, her arms flailing in the air. “Oh, Raven, why haven’t you called?” Her arms wrapped around me, squeezing me tightly. “I’ve been so worried about you.” She pushed backed and looked at me.

“I’m sorry…” my eyes drifted to the floor, then back at her, “I broke my phone and I…well, I just needed some time to calm down.”

“Why did you get so upset? I mean, I know why—” she stopped and looked around. Several eyes had gravitated toward us. I knew she’d told her coworkers about me and since every local TV and radio station was airing my business, they were probably curious to know more. “Let’s go outside and talk.”

“Okay.”

We walked to a small concrete table under a covered awning, but decided to go to my car when several people sat at the tables surrounding us. I hated being in the public eye during down times. Then again, I probably wouldn’t have to worry about it any more. Once the dust settled, everyone would forget about
The Raven.

I unlocked the car and we got in. As soon as I shut the door, Mom started her rambling. “Oh my God. I’m so glad you finally came to your senses. I’ve been so worried about you. I haven’t been able to sleep...eat, concentrate on work.” I glanced at her and the dark circles were there, along with bloodshot eyes. “I was so relieved to hear that you were with Shawn. You scared the hell out of me and Lexi.” She pressed her hand to her chest and took a deep breath. “Have you talked to her?”

I shook my head and looked away, watching a few landscaping guys plant spring flowers along the front of the building. It was taking all my strength not to break down and call her. But I already knew what she would say, so I spared us the agony.

“You need to call her. She’s been so upset and worried about you.”

“I’ll let her know I’m okay,” I said, telling mom what she wanted to hear. I had no intention of dialing her number.

“Are you okay, son? I mean, do you need to talk to someone, like your counselor or a doctor?”

“I don’t know.” I gripped the steering wheel tightly, trying to keep the monsters at bay. They were dead set on bringing me down and causing more friction between my mom and me. “Sorry, that’s the wrong answer. I’m going to be okay. I just need to get my head together…get my shit straight.”

Mom fanned herself with a piece of paper she’d picked up from the chair. I started the car and turned up the air. Today happened to be one of those warm Texas spring days, which didn’t help the tension in the car.

“Just tell me what you need and I’ll help. I don’t want to see you have another one of those outbursts.” Her voice cracked and the tears began to flow. “You really scared me, Raven.”

I opened the glove box and handed her a napkin. She wiped the tears dripping from her light green eyes. Eyes that looked just like mine. I hated to see her upset, especially knowing I caused it.

“I’m sorry, Mom, it’s been a lot to handle and everything crashing down at one time was tough to take in. That’s why I have to leave…to get away from here.”

She stopped sniffing. “Where are you going?”

“Back to New Orleans.”

Her eyes widened. “You’re going to go stay with Mimi?”

“Yeah.”

“What about Lexi? She’s still in school.”

I motioned for her to stop. “Look, I just need some time to myself. I can’t see Lexi right now.”

“But she’s your fiancée…you’re engaged to her, Raven.”

“I know, Mom.” I ran my fingers through my hair. “Please. I’m asking you to please understand. I need some space right now, and I can’t marry her — not now. Besides, she doesn’t want a loser like me.” My head dropped and I took a deep breath, warding off the toxic thoughts flowing through my head.

“Raven, you are not a loser. I don’t ever want to hear you say that again. You hear me?” Her voice turned deeper.

“Yes, ma’am.” I kept my chin tucked, refusing to look at her. If I did, I knew she’d see the real Raven. The loser. The jerk. The asshole. The washed-up football player. In reality, that’s all I was — a BIG ASS LOSER.

“I’m sorry to tell you this, but you’re wrong about Lexi.” I shot her a quick glance. “She loves you very much, despite what happened. And you need to call her and tell her you’re leaving for a while.”

I nodded, agreeing with her, so she’d leave the Lexi subject alone.

“Raven, look at me.” Mom gripped my arm and I raised my head. “I’m serious. She’s your fiancée, not just some girl you banged in the back of your car. I raised you better than that.”

“I know, Mom.” I held up a hand, warning her to stop. “All I’m asking is for you to understand the position I’m in and what I need to do to get back on track.”

She smoothed the sleeve of my shirt. “I hear you, son. If you don’t love her anymore, then you shouldn’t marry her. But I think she has a right—”

“Damn it!” I hit the steering wheel, holding back the voices dying to be unleashed. “I didn’t say I didn’t love her, I said I need some time alone — that’s all. Can you get that through your thick skull?”

Mom held up her hands and backed up against the door. “Okay, okay. I’m sorry.”

I closed my eyes, dragging my hand over my face. “I’m sorry.” I let out a heavy sigh. Sometimes my mom was so adamant about things, she didn’t know when to stop. My head wasn’t in the right state to control my emotions, which were all over the damn place. “I don’t need to fight with you.”

“No, it’s my fault.” Mom tucked her blonde strands behind her ear. “You’re a grown man, you know what’s right and wrong. I don’t need to keep telling you.” She let out a few breaths. “So, when are you leaving?”

“Right now.”

“Now?” She turned around. “Where’s your stuff?”

“In the trunk.” I leaned to the side and lifted the level to open it. “Which reminds me. Can you take a box back to your house?”

“Sure, of course.”

She opened the door and got out of the car. Leaving the car running, I opened my door and met her at the trunk. I secured the lid on the box and lifted it from the back. “Just keep this stuff there for me, okay?”

“It’ll be at the house.” Her eyes drifted to the Xerox paper box. Once she got home, she’d rummage through it, but I didn’t care. I had nothing to hide. They were mainly pictures of Lexi and me and a few things from football I wanted to keep. Everything else, I’d trashed. From sheets, to towels, to schoolwork — which I obviously didn’t need any more — I tossed it out of my life, just like PHU tossed me out the door.