A Changed Life (30 page)

“Simon, we have to talk.” I shook my head at her. There would be no heavy talks today. I just wanted to hold her and needed this as much as she did. She tried to move, but I held on until she asked again. I didn’t want to scare her, so I released her from my arms.

I tried with all my heart to be gentle with what I was about to say to Simon. He never turned his eyes away from me. “I can’t see you any more Simon.” I struggled to say the words to him without falling apart.

“No! Nicolette, I will not let you go. You can’t just walk into my life, and walk out without me trying to fight for you. I love you too much.”

“I have no choice Simon. I can’t and won’t hurt you any more than I already have. I have brought you nothing but hurt and pain…maybe even worse than Jennifer ever did, and you are too good of a person to be with someone like me.”

Simon stood up, and ran his hands through his mane of gorgeous hair. He wouldn’t listen to any more of my pleas to him. He counted to ten and turned to face me.

“Nicolette, I love you. You are not going to break up with me, because I won’t let you. How could you say that you have caused me hurt and pain? I came alive the day we met, and my heart has been singing ever since. Please look at me Nicolette. Trust what you see in my eyes, and feel it in your heart. I know you love me. Nothing can stop the beat of your heart when I touch you. I feel everything you feel, and I know you believe this too.” He cried out.

“You don’t have a choice, Simon, and you can’t change my mind. I am letting you go, and it is the only way I can save you from this pain I have caused you.”

“Have you heard a word I have said to you, Nicolette? You will only cause me pain if you walk away from me. Please Nicolette
do.not.do.this
. I’m begging you to trust me, and my feelings for you.”

“It won’t work Simon. I’m too damaged to be with you.”

“No you are not!” Shouted Simon, as he grabbed me by my arms. Simon was holding onto me, as if at any moment, I would disappear. “Nicolette, you have been through a traumatizing act of violence, and you need time to heal and recover. I can’t imagine how you are feeling; I can only speak for me. I know for certain that I love you, and my feelings for you have not and will never change.”

Simon begged me to believe him. He asked me why I was blaming myself and I couldn’t answer him. I just felt guilty, and I feel I have disappointed everyone in my life. Simon promised he would never leave me, and he loved me. No matter what happens, he vowed to stand by my side. He begged me to trust him. Deep down, I did. All I had to do was get lost in his eyes and I was easily broken down. I simply answered “okay.”

He held me in his arms until the sun had set. Simon left his bike at the club and drove me home in my car. I was exhausted, and I don’t even remember falling asleep. Simon carried me into my home, and brought me up to my room. He placed me onto my bed and took my shoes off. I opened my eyes and he leaned in to place a chaste kiss on my cheek.

“I love you Nicolette. Please don’t give up on us. Stay with me, and trust your heart in my hands.” Simon kissed me on my lips. I didn’t pull away from him, because I did trust him with my heart and wanted to make sure he knew how much.

Simon explained to my parents and Uncle Jack that he found me at the beach, and stayed with me until bringing me home. My parents didn’t know where I was after I had left this morning. They thanked Simon for taking care of me. Simon told them he wasn’t going anywhere. I was his life and he was a part of mine. If they didn’t know this already, Simon reminded them.

I didn’t know what time it was until I looked over at my phone. It read three am, and I was wide awake and hungry. I made my way downstairs to the kitchen, and was startled to find my dad at the breakfast bar. I screamed “Oh my god!” He turned on the bright light, and reached for me. I stepped back telling him that he scared me, and my dad apologized. He thought he was alone. I just didn’t think anyone would be up at this hour and sitting alone in the dark. I made myself a sandwich, and poured myself a glass of milk, and joining my father. We ate in silence until he asked me if we could talk.

“Where were you yesterday, Nicolette?”

“You already know. I know you saw me at the court house.”

“Why were you there, Nicolette? Of all places to be, what was going through your mind when you made the decision to go to Michael’s arraignment?”

I shrugged my shoulders because I didn’t know myself. “Daddy, I can’t answer your question, because I don’t know. After hearing Michael’s voice, something in me snapped. I had argued with mom and Uncle Jack. I had to clear my head, and I found myself hiding in the back of the courtroom and listened as Michael plead his innocence. I heard everything and then Michael had seen me.”

“I knew I saw you standing there. My heart felt like it was going to explode right out of my chest. I was terrified that the media would figure out who you were. Nicolette, you took a huge chance by going to the court house. Then I came home and only to learn that you were not home. We didn’t know where you were for hours, Nicolette. How could you put us through that?”

“Daddy, you’re not seriously turning this around on me, are you? I walked out to think and clear my head. I’m sorry for worrying you and mom. I felt like I was drowning from the mountain of shit piling on top of me. Uncle Jack wanted to talk to me about everything, I felt like he was pressuring me, and mom was backing him up. Daddy, I had no choice. It was either leave or stay and argue with them. I swear to you, I just wanted to take a ride. I had no way of knowing that I would end up at the court house.”

I told my dad everything about Simon, and how I felt about him. I tried my hardest to push him away, but Simon wouldn’t hear of it. My dad knew that Simon loved me, and how he vowed not to come between us, and respect what we had together. By holding my father’s hands in mine, I wanted to send a clear message to him on how I truly felt.

“Daddy, you are my only father in this world. My feelings for you have not and will never change. Finding out about Uncle Jack doesn’t have to change us. I love you more because you are you, and I am so lucky to call you dad, my only dad.”

“Thank you honey, you don’t know how much I needed to hear that.”

As much as I loved Uncle Jack, my father Mason was the one that stayed up with me when I was sick, patched up my skinned knees, and let me beat him at chess. I felt truly blessed to have these two men in my life. I was going to try to not push them away, and just continue to embrace their love like I always had. I hugged my father with all the emotions I had been holding back from him since my attack. Dad needed to believe that I wasn’t blaming him and be sure how much I loved him. He tried holding back his tears, but his emotions got the better of him. I had no more tears to shed, so I just let him cry, and lean on my shoulder for once. The roles were reversed, and I had to remain strong for him.

I collapsed onto my bed and plugged in my headphones listening to a playlist that Simon had made for me. It was titled, “
Nicolette’s way through my heart
” and I just smiled as the beautiful music just enveloped me into peace.

My alarm buzzed again, alerting me that it was time to get ready for school. I hit the off button, and padded my way into the bathroom to shower, and get ready for school. The decision to go to school came to me easily after I thought of Simon and my friends. I have been home recovering for weeks now, and my day to day consisted of therapy and hiding in my room. Simon had been amazing throughout it all. We talked every day and he even convinced me to go on a motorcycle ride with him. Not knowing if I could ever be the person I was before my attack, it was time to reclaim my life, whatever it may be.

My therapy sessions were going as well as can be expected. I liked the women in my support group. They welcomed me in and I was thankful for their support they had shown me. My parents along with Uncle Jack, who was still staying with us, respected my privacy in regards to my therapy. They never pushed for too much information because it was private, and I wasn’t ready to share my feelings with them. I made my way downstairs, and all eyes including Gracie were upon me.

“Where are you going?” My mom asked me. I simply replied, “School.” She looked like she just swallowed a canary. I had completed all my work that I had missed. Communicating through e-mails made it easy for me to stay on track. Surprisingly, my grades were intact, and I held my A average. My teachers were terrific and supportive. Since they knew what happened to me, they gave me the time to make up my assignments when I was ready to do so. All I had was time on my hands, so the nights when I couldn’t sleep, I would do my homework.

Dad wanted to make sure I was ready to go back to school. I told my parents it was time. He offered me a ride, but I declined. I loved driving my convertible, and this was step one on reclaiming my life, and returning to my normal routine.

Uncle Jack didn’t make a move toward me. He had been distant with me since our fight, and gave me my space. I asked him to walk me to my car, and he didn’t hesitate. I put my backpack in my car, and I turned to face him. He looked so tired, and I knew he was missing my Aunt Sara.

“Uncle Jack, thank you so much for being out here with me. I’m sorry you have to be separated from Aunt Sara and your home. I love you for supporting me, even when I pushed you away.” He told me that Aunt Sara understood why he had to be with me. I still felt sad for Uncle Jack. They were a team and rarely ever apart.

Like I reassured my father, it was time to tell Uncle Jack that I held no ill will against him, and for the pact that they made to not tell me the truth. I love him with all my heart and soul, and that would never change for me. He would always be my godfather, and uncle.

I would always view him in that way, no matter what D.N.A. ran through my blood. I hugged him and told him that I would see him later. Uncle Jack looked much better after our talk.

I stopped at the Juice Bar before making my way to school. I had lost five pounds since my attack, and I was craving a double chocolate latte and their muffins. I finished my breakfast and parked my car in its usual spot. I gathered my things, and made my way through the crowded parking lot. Bailey had noticed me first. She screeched at the top of her lungs, calling out my name as she ran over to me almost knocking me over where I stood. She hugged me with such force that my neck hurt. I calmed her when she started to cry, and I let her get it out because this was the first time my friend had seen me in a long while. I had no communication with any of them, except Simon. I felt guilty for that, but again, I needed time to try to heal.

Bailey finally released me, and without her asking me I told her I was okay. Vowing to take one day at a time…which appeased her. Then the rest of our group huddled around me. I was passed around for hugs; the only one that was missing was Simon.

Jameson was glassy eyed, so I shoved him back, and said, “If you don’t stop crying, I will never shop with you again.” He stopped right away, and then Sam just shook his head. I asked where Simon was. Sam said he was running the track since the coach had been pissed that he missed some of his meets, and that he was being excused from his morning classes to train. Simon had a big meet coming up on Saturday, and needed to get some practice in. After all, he was the star of the team. I had some time before my first class. I could be late since no one knew I was even showing up today. I made my way to the field where Simon was running and leaping hurdles.

I didn’t want to disturb him, so I stayed high in the stands where he wouldn’t see me. I did notice some cheerleaders making their presence known, but he never gave them a second look. I guess they figured with the girlfriend out of the picture, it was time to pounce.

After witnessing their attempts to get his attention, I made my way down to show them that Simon very much still had a girlfriend. Those girls were so shallow and fake; they greeted me with their pleasantries, and huffed away when I said he was taken. Simon saw me as he made his way around the final turn. His smile lit up, and he made a dash right for me.

Simon leaped over the fence and scooped me up, placing me over his shoulders, and spinning me around. I was laughing my ass off, but also getting dizzy.

He finally put me down and smiled at me. “Oh my god, Nicolette. What a surprise! How are you here?” He asked me.

“It’s time to get my life back, and school was the best place to start.”

Simon couldn’t have been happier. He leaned in to kiss me, but asked for permission first. My heart always said yes to him, as well as my eyes when he looked into them. Simon’s kisses were always phenomenal, but now they were even more gentle, and guarded. He didn’t want to push me, and I was thankful for his patience and understanding.

“I just wanted to watch your practice, not halt it altogether.” He laughed.

“Don’t worry about it baby, I was done anyway. I am so happy to see you.”

“Well that’s great Simon, but I don’t think Coach Johnson is exactly happy with me right now. Don’t turn around, but he is coming this way.”