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Bella managed to get dirt on her pretty dress as we were getting in the car, but she didn’t mind. Wiping out on what was once the driveway upset her more than the bit of dirt on the front of her dress. I wondered why I couldn’t get my family out of the house in one clean piece without some trauma. The whole forty five minute drive to the wedding, Emily had to watch
Cinderella
on the iPad in the car. I’m not sure what life was like when I was a kid without all these great tech toys to play with. I remember sitting on the floor board of my parents’ car, pushing on their seats and talking with them while playing BINGO on the floor. Today, kids are strapped into some kind of car seat until they are almost in junior high it seems, so they have activities they can do sitting still and confined. Mine watch TV if they were in the car for any length of time. And because we were going to a wedding, Emily had to watch ‘Cinderelly’. She was so excited to go to the ball after the wedding. Yep, she was three and believed after every wedding there must be lots of people dancing at a ball to welcome the new prince and princess, the wedding couple, to their castle. I wasn’t sure if she would be disappointed when she saw two pretty normal people standing on a beach for a few minutes and then a big beach bon fire party afterwards. I did promise she could dance, and hopefully the beach would excite her enough to forget the castle we should be in.

“Daddy, will you be my prince?” Emily asked from the back seat when we were driving over the York River Bridge. “I can see beaches, Mommy! Beaches there and over there and lots of beaches. Bella, that’s a beach.” Emily, having given up the movie, was excited about the beaches she could see from the top of the bridge.

“Maybe Daddy will let you dance on his feet,” I said, looking at my husband, silently saying, you must dance with her, and her standing on your feet would be the best way.

“Yeah, we can dance together, Emily. Will you be my princess?” Chris took my bait and let his little princess know they could dance off into the sunset if it’s what would make her happy.

I pointed to the road Chris needed to take to actually get to the beach. We could see the beaches from the bridge, but they all seemed impossible to get to. I noticed new condos near the beach and directed Chris to the one hotel on the beach.

“Will said to park at the hotel, and they will direct us to the area of the beach where the wedding will be. But my guess is it will be right there, under the big tent,” I said to Chris as I pointed to the hotel.

People were gathering around the large white and blue tent. “Not exactly what I think of when I think of wedding, but at least it’s not green like at funerals,” I said quietly.

The service started within minutes of our arrival. We took our seats on the groom’s side, we assumed since it wasn’t as full as the other side of the aisle. Will looked stunning at the edge of the water in cream colored linen pants, no shoes, and a light cream colored button down shirt. His bride met him wearing a long cream colored linen dress flowing behind her with the help of the light breeze. She, too, was shoeless. And she fit Will perfectly. She was pretty, yet simple, earthy yet pure, and clean. I wanted to watch Will say his vows, to see how he looked at his bride, to see the love in his eyes, but I couldn’t keep my eyes off her. Will’s bride. The woman Will was marrying and pledging his love to for the rest of his life. There was something so innocent and pure about her. I was creating closure somehow, watching her. She looked like she could be a friend, someone I could talk to, share with. I felt a peace wash over me. I was happy for Will. And I was okay being here. Finally, okay.

It was a beautiful and short beach wedding. I held Chris’ hand tight when they said their vows. He was watching Emily and Bella playing in the sand at his feet and didn’t notice the tear run down my cheek when I heard Bo, the man standing in front of Will and Rebecca, say the words, ‘let no man put asunder.’ I’m not sure if I was crying because I cried at my own wedding, I cried at commercials portraying weddings, or because I knew the groom was a man I used to love. I did love. I loved dearly, but in so many different ways than the man whose hand I held while he gently made our children quietly giggle under the chairs.

So many years ago, Yorktown Beach saw a lot of Will and me. We explored the water, the rocks, the sand, and each other many times on this beach. We broke up on this beach, we made up on this beach. He poured his heart out to me, describing the emptiness he felt when he saw a beautiful red hanging moon and the fullness he felt when he thought of me and of our love. I remembered sitting on the beach pushing sand between my toes resting my chin on my knees listening to him, loving him more with each word. In his poetic way, he often tried to tell me he could never be who I needed and wanted him to be. He knew I wanted to be married with children. He knew I wanted a home, security, and stability. He knew he couldn’t provide any of those things playing music for a living, and he knew he never wanted to be married. Now there he was marrying a woman who filled the emptiness he must have felt.

My thoughts were interrupted by the cheering. I missed the first kiss gazing into the past, and when the present hit me, it hit me with a pile of sand on my feet. Emily was building a sand castle, and I was in the way. I wiped a tear from my cheek, smiled down at her, and regained my composure. Chris looked at me, and knowing me as well as he did, put his arm around my shoulder, pulling me close to him, and kissed the top of my head. I was sure he did so to offer comfort for me, but also to protect me from my own pain. Maybe it was my husband’s way of staking his claim to me. Chris knew I loved him. Will and I had had a strong friendship over the years since breaking up.

It was another thirty minutes before we saw the bride and groom. We spent the time dancing barefoot in the sand with the girls, taking pictures of Emily and her Daddy Prince dancing feet on feet and collecting pebbles and small shells from the beach. Bella was such a little doll walking while holding my hand across the slippery sand, falling down, and trying again. At thirteen months old, she wasn’t the best walker, but she had such a great spirit and would try and try again until she was exhausted. Then she would usually wail until we could soothe her with her ‘soft blankie,’ as Emily calls Bella’s fluffy pink baby blanket. By the time Will and Rebecca came around to say hello, we were all ready to get the kids in the car and head back to my dad’s house. I hugged Will, mumbled something about being very happy for them, shook Rebecca’s hand, forced an obligatory hug, and told her what every bride wants to hear about her beautiful gown and ceremony.

“I love you, smallcakes, my Nikki Jay,” Will whispered into my ear. “You deserve the best, and the best wasn’t me. But I love you so much, and I will always need you. Please remember that. I will always need you.” I managed to wink at him, fighting back a tear or two, and gave our excuse for leaving so early, and then walked away without feeling a thing. Nothing. Numbness was a new emotion for me. Or maybe I was feeling things I didn’t want to feel. Sadness is an overwhelming emotion. I’ve heard people say they see their life flash before their eyes in times of fear like a car accident or a sudden heart attack. I was feeling the loss of my life at a young age. Coming home again to see grass grown too long, moss on the side of houses, paint peeling from years of neglect, old friends getting older but not wiser, and facing the realization I just can’t go back. Not back home and not back in time. The realization that I was on a path I loved but was completely different and far from this place I used to feel was home, was overwhelming. On top of feeling nothingness surround me, I also felt I couldn’t breathe. The world so vast surrounding me, the sky, the birds, the York River within reach was all closing in on me. Luckily, I was able to sink into the car, though I have no idea how I even made the walk from the beach.

Chris navigated away from the hotel parking lot, put his hand on my knee, and squeezed my leg in a protective fashion. “Was it as hard as it looked for you?” Chris asked me with a curiosity I’d never felt when talking about Will.

“Yes, it was hard. But I don’t know why, Chris. A combination of being home, Will acting the way he did the other night, and being at a wedding I probably shouldn’t have come to. I don’t know. I didn’t invite him to our wedding. I’m not sure it was the best idea for me to come to his. It just feels weird.” I put my hand on his. “Hon, don’t get me wrong. I’m not feeling this way because I have feelings for him. It’s just odd; that’s all. I can’t explain it any further than that.” I blinked back more tears.

I closed my eyes, and memories rushed in. Suddenly, I was eighteen again. All those times I sat on this beach waiting for the moon to shine over us, wanting to be as close to Will as possible, absorbing every word he said. Going back in time is impossible, yet there I sat with no children, no husband, and naïve to the loss love eventually brings.

***

Will was sitting with me, looking nineteen again, handsome with a face filled with wonder and innocence. This was the time in life when things were simple. Will touched my hand and asked me if I could find pictures in the stars above. I looked up and was surprised to see a dark sky. Looking back at him, I nodded.

“Come on, Nikki. Pictures in the sky. Don’t you see them? There’s an elephant there, and over there I see a turtle. And can you see the moon? It’s reflecting red on the water,” Will was sitting closer to me, leaning into my shoulder and pointing up to show me his findings in the night sky. He always had a thing for red colors found in the moon and the sky.

For a brief moment I looked for Chris and Emily and Bella, but then I felt Will touch my cheek, and my heart sank to my stomach. I swallowed hard and turned to him just as his lips touched mine. They were soft and tender. They were young. They were searching my mouth just as I opened to let them in. It had been almost ten years since I had touched these lips, and they hadn’t changed one bit. Unlike the rest of us, they still had the warm softness of youth. I reached up and grabbed hold of Will’s spiral curls around his face, and pulled him closer to me. After a long lingering kiss, Will jumped up and took off down the beach leaving me yearning for his touch. I had to chase him. It was a game he often played with me, but I was a good player and always caught him. There were even times I made him chase me, but I would never hold out as long. One day I found him in a clearing in the tall grass away from the water. Stubby hard beach grass would poke up out of the sand and surprise the bottom of my feet with sharp pains. Will was lying in a small clearing, one without all those painful blades. He was stark naked and ready for me to just climb aboard and take him. We often made love on the beach. Looking back, I’m sure it was about the only place young adults could be alone. I’d still lived with my Dad, and Will was staying at his grandfather’s house. The beaches quickly became one of our favorite places. In the winter months we’d park and stay in the car, but even the really cool nights with salty winds blowing in from the seas were heated up with our lovemaking. Will ended almost every one of those nights with his infamous words to me, “Nikki Jay, I will always love you and no matter where life takes you, I will always need you.”

“I miss you,” I told him.

***

“I do too!” Then I heard giggles. I opened my eyes to brightness I hadn’t expected and Bella laughing and mimicking her big sister. I was jolted back to reality. I was a thirty two year old married mother of two sitting in a car with my family, not a young woman falling in love all over again. “I need a break,” I thought to myself. I had needed some space for a while now, and I thought life was starting to break me.

Chris was pulling into a fast food restaurant, and when I gave him the wondering look, he told me Emily had to go potty. It took me a bit to realize we were far from Dad’s house, and on the wrong side of the river to be heading back. I was so tired, I was sure Chris had just driven around to let us all sleep a bit.

Several minutes later, after a quick potty break, we were driving back over the York River Bridge, and from the corner of my eye, I saw two white doves soaring above a small crowd with Hawaiian leis waving in the air. The only thought that came to me was whether or not the bride and groom had worn leis during the reception. I clearly wasn’t there, but on the same beach many years earlier instead. Chris grabbed my attention when he asked if I wanted to grab a coffee and drive. I turned to see two quiet little girls with their heads tilted toward one another sound asleep. Goon Goon was resting in Emily’s lap, and little Bella had her soft blanket pulled up to her chin. Coffee and a drive would be nice. A drive back home to Colorado would be better, but I didn’t think those little girls would stay asleep for thirty hours. I just nodded and put my hand on Chris’ leg in a loving, ‘no, I’m not pining over my ex-boyfriend from so long ago’ attempt.

Businesses along the route home to Dad’s had grown over the years as well. In my state of mind, I wasn’t sure if I was excited to see a Starbucks in Gloucester next to new commercial growth, but it was a welcome and much needed commodity. Chris and I didn’t speak much on the ride. We drove in a peaceful silence. Chris was probably wondering why I was so upset, and I was trying ever so hard not to seem upset while wanting to break down and cry at the same time. The problem with crying around men is they expect women to tell them what the problem is so they can fix it. As women, we don’t always know, but we know a good cry will make us feel better, even if the problem isn’t solved. Chris is a problem solver, and if he can’t solve problems, then they must not exist and therefore don’t need attention. It’s how he treated a lot of our marriage. So there were times when we just need to ride in silence. When I felt sad or worried, I worried those silent moments would break us. I was certain those moments when I feel so alone, when we were sitting right next to one another would prove to be our downfall. I was sure in those moments Chris couldn’t possibly love me, much less even like me. Sitting there in the car I wondered what he was thinking, and if he was wondering what I was thinking, and would we ever be thinking the same thing at the same time? And if we did, would it even matter, or would it cause the tears to flow? I hadn’t even noticed, with all the thoughts swimming in my head, Chris had missed the turn back to Deltaville and was heading into Mathews. He and my dad had taken motorcycles down here last summer, so maybe he had a plan and maybe he didn’t; but either way I didn’t even notice until I could see tall marsh grass passing us as we were riding down an old country road. Chris stopped at a beach, turned to check on the sleeping beauties, and then leaned over and gave me a soft and gentle kiss.