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“He told me not to wake him up for his medicine,” Rebecca was standing in the hallway. “He’s getting angrier. He just won’t do it. He just won’t take them on time.”

“You know, I was thinking, Rebecca. This is the last thing he can control. We want him to be comfortable, not in pain. We want this to be easier for him. But it’s what we want. Maybe we need to do what he wants.” I followed her down the hallway. “I don’t want to treat him like a child, but I’ve been reading a lot of parenting books as I’m challenged every day with new things, from my four year old especially. She tends to pick up things from kids at school. Things I never thought she’d do.” I shook my head. I was getting off topic. “Anyway, we’re learning the one thing she really wants is control. We tell her what’s for each meal and tell her to eat it. There were years when I just walked into her room, got some clothes out of her closet, and got her dressed. I give her a bath, tell her when it’s time to get out…anyway, we’ve been giving her choices. I give her two choices each morning of outfits to wear to school and on weekends let her choose on her own. She’s been happier making her own choices. We make sure we give her options we are happy with, but in her little world, she’s in control.” I couldn’t stop the tears from falling from my face. I missed my little Emily and Bella so very much, and the path I was going with my thought sharing session with Rebecca was getting more difficult. But I continued, “Will…Will is running out of time to make those choices for himself. I think…” I had to stop talking to give myself some air and time to calm my heart down. I was on the verge of hysterics again. “I think he needs to make these decisions. On his own. If there’s a time when…when…” Rebecca put her arms around me and cried with me.

“I see what you’re sayin’, doll. I see. I think you’re right. It’s hard on us to see him hurtin’, but if he wants to sleep, let’s let him sleep. We can give him the damned morphine when he wakes.” We stood there in the hallway for a long moment crying with each other, empathizing with one another, until Rebecca pulled away and said, “Let’s get some rest while he’s sleeping.” I know it’s early still, but isn’t that what ya’ll do when your babies are little? Sleep when they’re sleeping?”

“Good night, Rebecca. I’ll be in the guest room. If you need anything, please wake me.” I turned to walk away. “Not just if Will needs anything, but if you need anything. To talk, to cry, to just sit and have company. I’m here. Okay?”

She nodded and walked down to the bedroom down the hall. I watched her turn to what I remember was once an office when Will’s grandfather owned the house. It wasn’t the master bedroom. I wondered for a minute if she couldn’t sleep in the master bedroom without Will. Or maybe she had her own room during these times. It didn’t matter. What mattered was I’d spent my afternoon in a bar and hadn’t called Chris or spoken to my children all day. I was tired. Chris would be awake because he averaged about five hours a night starting around 1am. But I didn’t feel like talking. I just sent him a simple text message telling him it was a rough day, and I loved them all, then I got ready for bed. As I was brushing my teeth, I searched my makeup bag for a sleep aide. It was my only hope for sleep.

Chapter Fifteen

Thanks to modern medicine, I was able to get a few hours of straight sleep. But when I woke I felt off. Something didn’t feel right. I was scared. I grabbed my phone, thinking of the girls, and sent Chris a message. I didn’t want him to worry or think I was crazy for waking scared for no reason, so I just simply wrote, “Give the girls kisses for me. Hope all is well. Love you.”

Chris replied immediately with, “They love you too. Off to a playdate soon. Syrupy waffle kisses coming your way. From them, not me.” Then a second text from him said, “I’d love to kiss you, too, but not with maple syrup all over my face. That’s all I meant.”

My family was fine. The girls were okay. And awake. But I still didn’t feel right. I brushed my teeth, pulled my hair up in a ponytail, and walked down the hall towards the room where Rebecca was the night before. I knocked gently, and she opened within seconds. She was dressed just like I was, in pajamas, but comfortable, hair up, awake but not ready to face the day ahead.

“I hope I didn’t wake you. I just…I feel off,” I said to her. “I don’t know what, but something doesn’t feel right.”

“Let’s go check on Will. Together. We can do this. I don’t feel anything but worn out, honey, but let’s head out there and hope he’s awake and ready for his medicine. He didn’t wake you at all did he? I slept pretty well, so I figure he slept all night.”

We walked down the hallway and into the living room. Will’s hospital bed was empty. I knew something wasn’t right. I felt it. Where the hell was Will?

Rebecca called out, trying to control the worry in her voice. “Will? Will, where are you?” She was walking toward the hallway on the other side of the long ranch style home. That side was always formal dining, parlor, and a work shop for Will’s grandfather. We heard mumbling coming from that side of the house.

The two of us walked down the hallway like two young girls visiting a haunted house. I realized we were holding on to one another like something was going to jump out at us and make us pee our pants. We were both scared. When we got to the old parlor, the double doors were pulled to but not entirely closed. I spoke this time. “Will. Rebecca and I are here. Are you okay? Do you need anything? What are you doing?” After the third question, I realized I was on the verge of tears and starting to nag by asking question after question without giving him a chance to respond to the previous questions. I peeked through the opening in the doors and could tell there was another room off to the side.

“Is there another room back there? I don’t remember…” I didn’t finish getting into how well I once knew the house.

“Yes, hon, there’s a bathroom back there. He’s used it since he started resting in the living room. It even has a shower. I think he started when, well, I think he just didn’t want to bother me if I was sleeping down in the other end of the house. I’m sure he’s okay. Let’s just go wait for him in the living room.”

I could hear some more mumbling, only louder than before, but still not very clear. I raised my voice a little louder, knowing he was behind another door which was pulled to but not fully closed. “Will, we’re going to wait in the living room. It’s time for your medicine, so when you’re ready, come on out, and we’ll get it all ready for you.”

I heard two loud bangs and jumped to open the parlor doors. Before I was able to get in, Rebecca put her hand on my arm and whispered, “Walker.” Will must have thought I was coming in. I don’t know if it was because my voice sounded louder or if Will thought I had entered the parlor already, but he had shuffled his walker around in the bathroom to try to get the door closed. Will was trying to maintain control. And his modesty.

We turned and walked away down the hall and back into the living room. We sat in the chairs in the living room, neither of us bothering to get up to prepare Will’s medicine I told him we’d have ready once he returned. Neither of us wanted to talk about Will or medicine, so we talked about the wind overnight, the weather, my children, life in Deltaville. We talked about a lot of things and a lot of nothing in ten minutes before we got quiet. The air felt heavy.

“It’s been a while, where is he?” I asked Rebecca. Rebecca just sat there. I could see fear in her eyes. We had no idea what we had ahead of us. I walked down the newly scary hallway to the parlor door, peeked in, and then opened it up a tad more than I had before.

“Will, you okay?”

I heard a mumble I was certain had at least one cuss word hidden in it. Then he clearly stated in an angry voice, “I’ll be out in a minute!”

Walking back down the hall, I felt defeated. I looked at Rebecca, and just simply said, “We should get his meds ready. And since we’re both here giving him meds, and he’s fighting it, let’s create that chart we’d talked about. Then we can…well, I was going to say we can show him how often he’s getting them, but I don’t think he cares. At least we’ll know what he’s had and when. Now he’s on more meds, it might be easier to keep track of.” I wasn’t sure why I was over explaining the chart. It made perfect sense. We weren’t medical professionals, and hell, even professionals had charts to keep track of medicines. I was hurt. Will had just yelled at me, and I was dealing with it the way I dealt with most things. With endless words.

Rebecca and I got the medicines ready and started a chart. On the chart, we wrote the time, 8am, and we wrote four medicines: Oxycodone, Morphine, the laxative, and the anti-anxiety meds. These were the medicines he was to take this time around, then in two hours we’d drop the laxative but give him the other three. If he wasn’t sleeping well, we’d add a heavy prescription sleep aide, even if it was morning. After we talked and planned, we were glad we’d had the conversation and made a chart. We wondered how Rebecca had kept track of it all before the chart. We actually laughed a little while making the little chart, but once we were done, a heavy quiet settled over the room. We’d been talking another ten minutes since Will last yelled at me and told me he’d be out in a minute. Rebecca looked at me and shook her head.

I ignored whatever it was she was trying to tell me and darted down the hallway. Dark. It was a dark hallway. The air felt denser in this hallway. Maybe it wasn’t a well-used area of the house, but it felt weighty each time I walked down it. When I got to the parlor doors, I didn’t pause, I walked in and quietly walked to the bathroom door that still wasn’t fully closed. I peeked through the doorway at Will who was on his hands and knees on the tile bathroom floor. I didn’t want Will to know I was so close to him. I knew he was in trouble, but if I rushed in there, I’d be in trouble too, and I knew I couldn’t lift him off the floor on my own.

I quickly and quietly ran down the hall into the living room and told Rebecca where Will was, on his hands and knees. For the first time I realized the two of us were really alone, and though it might be difficult to watch over him and give him medications, we weren’t equipped for just any scenario. Rebecca got on the phone while I went back to the parlor door and stayed put in the hallway catching my breath. Will didn’t have to know I’d seen him. He’d be irritated, but I figured I’d just let him think I was nagging him to come out again.

Trying to control the worry in my own voice this time, I asked through the parlor doors, “Will, are you okay? Do you need help?”

Will was pissed. “I’ll be out in a little while, dammit!” While he was yelling at me, I slipped back into the parlor and peeked through the bathroom door. Will was still on the floor, but he was now laying on his back instead of on his knees. He was also naked.

Without thinking much, I ran out to the living room. Rebecca was in the foyer looking out the front windows. “We need help,” I said to her.

“I’ve called Brian. I know. I know I didn’t tell you he’s here. He’s staying at my old house. Will had been pushing him away, so he hasn’t been around much, but he’s here to help. Will and us. Is Will up yet?” My heart broke again, into another million pieces. How many pieces were in my heart, and how many more would fall out at my feet before the nightmare was over?

“He’s not up. And he’s going to be harder to help up. He’s on his back now. And Rebecca? He’s naked. I’m sure he’s not going to want me in there.”

“He’ll have to let Brian help him. He won’t let me in there either.”

We needed another person. If we had to carry him out of the little bathroom, we’d need another person. I called my dad.

Brian showed up before my dad got there. Rebecca had walked into the parlor to secretly look after Will. When Brian got there, we hugged, said awkward hellos, and I updated him. We decided the first thing he needed to do was protect Will and his modesty. I figured the banging I had heard earlier when I first raised my voice to let Will know we were waiting for him was when he fell. If so, it meant he’d been on the floor for more than thirty minutes. Those thirty minutes Rebecca and I spent shooting the shit, wasting time on simple topics, prepping his meds, and creating a chart, then giggling over it. I knew at that moment Brian was going to have to stay with us. If Will needed to use the bathroom, shower or dress, he’d be more likely to allow Brian to help than us; even his own wife.

I walked with Brian to the parlor where we found Rebecca sitting against the wall opposite the bathroom, but not in the light of the doorway. I sat with her and put my arm around her. Brian walked into the bathroom slowly, knocking on the door as he pushed it open enough to get in, then pulled it to again. We could hear him talking to Will.

“Hey, man. Whatcha doin’ on the floor? I’m going to cover you up with your robe here, okay? And then when we get you up, we’ll get this robe on you, okay, Willy Nilly?”

Willy Nilly. It was a name Brian used to use when Will was being a pushover when it came time to choose an evening with his girlfriend or his best friend. I wasn’t sure it was appropriate with Will lying naked on the floor, but silently smiled at the sentiment.

I sat there against the wall, feeling the old style large baseboard digging in my lower back. It wasn’t the first time I was void of emotion. I wasn’t even numb. I just didn’t have anything. I was nervous and scared, but those feelings were separated from the others I’d felt the past day. This was our responsibility, and we had to make decisions, all the right choices. I felt like my body didn’t have time for emotions, but fear was creeping in anyway.

My dad walked into the house whispering my name. I walked out to him, hugged him, but didn’t fall into his arms like I normally would have. There was no time for me, my emotions, or my needs. Will needed my Dad. Brian needed help. My dad hadn’t seen Will much over the years. The last time they saw one another, Will was having ‘the talk’ with Dad, and now Dad was there to be part of this process. I quietly filled Dad in before we walked into the parlor room, and then he walked in the bathroom to help Brian and Will.