34 Seconds (31 page)

“Yea, that’s a bit ironic, huh? We did work hard getting the bed all ready for a good nap,” my voice cracked. “…and here he is, on the floor. But I was thinking the hospice bed. Do you think we can bring it in here, into the bedroom? If we can get it set up, it has the rails on it to keep him from falling out, and well, I don’t know. I can’t imagine it’s any more comfortable than,” my voice cracked again as I was thinking about their shared bed, “his own bed, but maybe it would be better than the floor. If we can get him back up, that is.”

Rebecca looked down at Will for a moment, then looked at me. Brian spoke from the doorway before Rebecca could respond. He had the fluffy burgundy blanket in his arms. “It’s just a roll away type bed. I think if you two can handle the bedding, I can get it folded and in here.”

“I think it’s worth a try,” Rebecca said. “The sheets on that bed are fairly fresh. We just might want to put some of those pads underneath. But how do we get him in the bed?”

“I don’t know, but let’s just get it in here and set up before we worry about it,” I told her.

Rebecca and I didn’t move. Neither of us wanted to leave Will. Brian brought the blanket over and dropped in to the floor near where I was sitting, then walked out to see what he could do about the bed. Deciding to leave Rebecca closer to Will, I got up, spread out the bed pads she’d brought in and then spread much of the blanket Brian brought in on top of them. No matter how we handled it, Will would have to work his way onto the blanket before we could move him. Once the blanket was in place, I took the side closest to Will and touched his skin with it. It was so very soft. I wanted something comforting against his skin. I knew our touch was too harsh for him. Rebecca and I both sat there with Will and his extraordinarily soft blanket crying silent tears.

***

“Are you cold?” Will found me sitting on the beach near my house.

“Yes, it’s getting chilly at night now. Fall is coming. But, look,” I said, pointing to the water. “Jellyfish are still out. The water must be warm enough for them. If the wind would die down a bit, I think I’d be okay. But yes, it’s chilly out here.”

As I spoke, Will was placing a blanket around my shoulders. He stayed in place behind me, squatting, hugging me through the blanket. The blanket was soft and warm, but I got more warmth from his body heat and just having him near me.

“I don’t want you to leave, Will. I don’t want summer to end.” I had been sitting on the beach after a short run. Running always helped me clear my head or think through things I needed to work out on my own. It hadn’t helped. When I got to the beach, I sat down, pulled my knees to my chest, and with my chin resting on my knees, felt hot tears run down my face. I was in love with a boy from the city. Something I always said I would never do was fall for someone who lived here or came here to vacation. I’d made it through high school without attaching myself to the local boys. I knew it would be disappointing to my family, but I never planned on staying in a small town. I wanted sidewalks, stop lights, people I didn’t know, more than one grocery store, neighborhoods, coffee shops; I wanted a city. I couldn’t screw up my dreams by falling for some boy who would come there every summer and then go live his real life somewhere else.

Will hugged me through the blanket once more and then came and sat beside me. He put his left arm around me and pulled me into his warmth. “I’m not leaving. I think I’m going to stay here and help Grandfather out this winter. I hadn’t told you because I wasn’t sure how you’d feel about me being here full time.” He paused looking at me. My heart was fluttering. How did I feel? “Nikki Jay, my grandfather can use some help. He’s told me of some of the marinas could use some winter help too, so I can make some money. If you don’t want me to stay, I don’t have to, but…” he paused again and looked away from me at the water. I followed his eyes to a fishing boat coming in from a morning catch. What he said next almost caught me off guard. I was so engrossed in watching the boat maneuver around the buoys, I almost missed it all together. “So it seems, Nikki Jay, I’m in love with this beautiful girl, and I can’t imagine even being an hour and a half away from her. I’m hoping she can love me back as much as I love her.”

Silence. My heart beat faster. I pulled the blanket around me tighter as the wind picked up more. Staring at the boat, another tear fell from my eyes. Did I just hear what I thought I heard? Did Will just say he loved a girl? A beautiful girl? Me? I looked at Will, who gently wiped a tear from my cheek.

“I love you, Nikki. With all my heart I love you. I adore you in fact.” Will grabbed the blanket where I’d had it bunched up between my hands and pulled me to him. I managed to whisper between kisses and tears. I loved him too.

***

Back in Will’s bedroom I wrapped the blanket around my hands. Sitting next to Will, feeling every emotion I’ve ever felt but allowing none to surface, all I wanted to do was keep him safe and comfortable. The burgundy blanket felt like such a small offering, but it was all I had to offer. I couldn’t get him off the floor, I couldn’t take his pain away, and I couldn’t even force death to take him any sooner so the suffering would end for us all. I only had a soft and warm blanket. But Will wasn’t even on it. I didn’t know how long it would take us, but I vowed to myself if he died on this floor, he’d at least have the comfort of his blanket with him. We had to get him to roll away from the trunk and onto the blanket, even if we never got him into the bed.

We heard Brian coming down the hall with the hospice bed. Rebecca got up to make room. She cleared the blankets and pillows we were using on the floor next to Will’s bed, and Brian wheeled the hospice bed into the space.

Since Rebecca was up with Brian, helping him set up and prep the bed with appropriate bedding, I stayed on the floor, closer to Will. After setting up the bed, Rebecca came to the floor where Will and I were lying side by side. She laid down next to us. Will was still far from the bathroom, where he’d wanted to go over an hour ago, sleeping peacefully, so Rebecca and I decided to get some rest. Brian stayed in the room with us, resting on the bed made after hours of trying to get dry sheets covering the whole mattress. All was quiet for some time. Then Brian tossed two throw pillows our way, away from Will, and before I drifted off to sleep I noticed another clock in the room instead of the Epoch clock I knew I’d never fully understand. It was 2:34am. It had been a long night and was not going to get any shorter, even as the minutes ticked by.

Chapter Eighteen

At 3:16am, I woke to Will moaning. Rebecca was leaning on her elbow watching him. In the thirty minutes of sleep I had managed, I’d moved over slightly, and Will had followed. He was almost a foot closer to the bathroom door, with part of his body on top of the burgundy blanket.

“Owwww,” Will moaned.

I sat up. “Will?” I looked at Rebecca, and we both looked at the bathroom. We were certain it was his bladder waking him again. Will gathered more strength during his nap, and rolled his whole body over from his right side, onto his stomach and then from his left side to his back. He was now even closer to the bathroom. I scooted myself backwards until I bumped into the tall dresser next to the bathroom door. It was a massive, beautiful piece of furniture made of dark cherry wood with ornate legs and long feet resembling lion’s paws. I was sure it was an antique; probably starting with Will’s grandparents. I rubbed my back where I’d bumped into the corner of the dresser and crossed my legs trying to get as comfortable as possible sitting upright in the middle of the night. I was quite used to being awake in the middle of the night, but I usually had a healthy child to care for, not a dying cancer patient. I usually had a soft and warm glider to sit in where I could put my head back and snooze while my babies rocked with me. Shaking my head, I took my heart and mind away from those thoughts. It was selfish of me to think I should be any more comfortable than I was. I was still more comfortable than Will, who was still trying to roll or scoot across the blanket. And it was too hurtful to even think of my children back home with my husband, sleeping soundly or not. They were left alone so I could be there with someone I’d loved so much so long ago, while he died. My children certainly didn’t ask for that, and my heart was breaking enough without thinking of the disappointment they were facing back home. Will started using his legs to push his body, headfirst, towards the bathroom door. He was moving fast, with power I couldn’t imagine he could possess. Within moments, his head was dangerously close to the corner of the dresser. One more push and his head was under the dresser, pressing against the lion leg. Just as I did with my children, I put my hand between his head and the corner of the leg. If he pushed again, he’d hit my hand and not split his head open on the hard wood. With my other hand, I grabbed the pillow I’d used during my last nap. I tried to shove the pillow under the dresser so Will couldn’t get under there anymore, but he was adamant and yelled at me.

“Will? You can’t go under the dresser. You could get stuck. You could hit your head,” I started crying. I looked up for Rebecca, who was already next to Will pulling the blanket that had rolled with him out from under his body. She was wincing for fear of hurting him too.

Will pushed himself again, but miraculously he’d lost strength in the leg that had forced him under the dresser, and using the other leg was able to inch his head out from danger. He was still very close to the dresser leg and the sharp corner, but he was at least out from under the dresser, and safe for the moment from getting stuck underneath a large piece of furniture. One push with the other leg, and he’d be right back under there.

“NO!” Will just yelled. Then he grew quiet again. I wasn’t sure why he was yelling, but my mind went back to why he was so adamant about getting out of bed to begin with. I positioned myself between Will and the dresser in hopes he wouldn’t be able to get under there again. I kept one hand resting gently on the back of Will’s head. His hair was so thin, but baby soft, like it must have been when he was much younger.

The room was quiet again, and when I looked at the clock it was almost 4AM. Will had been on the floor for hours now.

“I’ve been thinking about what we should do,” Rebecca said. “I don’t think the three of us can lift him into bed. And I’m not even sure how long it’s been since we gave him his medicines last. We seemed to be on a schedule, but then, well we just aren’t anymore.” She was crying again. I wasn’t sure if she’d ever stopped, actually. I wasn’t sure any of us would ever stop crying.

“We can call my Dad again, but I think even with him and Brian, we won’t be able to lift him onto the bed without causing some pain,” I said, looking at Brian, who was sitting up on the bed.

“I’ve been thinking maybe we should call hospice,” Rebecca spoke quietly. I realized I had leaned on her knowledge and experience with Will over the months he’d been declining, and wanting to call hospice showed me a weakness in Rebecca I wasn’t ready to face. I felt my stomach churn. More feelings I had to suppress because I couldn’t handle reality as it tried to surface. I wasn’t sure what calling hospice meant. Would they insist on an ambulance, would they bring four gentle but burly men who could lift him onto the bed, would they tell us it was over, just let him die on the floor? Putting my head down, I sobbed. Just sobbed. Rebecca left the room to call hospice.

Martha, the overnight nurse, was there within the hour. She came into the room after her quiet knocking at the front door got Brian’s attention. Will had been quiet since his last outburst an hour before. He’d pushed himself against my crossed legs, and I was feeling blessed because he was so close to me, but I was also unwilling to move away from the dresser and its sharp edged legs. Part of me was hoping he chose to be so close to me, but the part of me grounded in reality wasn’t even sure if Will knew I was there anymore, much less right next to him, trying to keep his head from splitting open.

Martha sat down next to me and Will motioning Rebecca to sit with us. Will was still sleeping, so she looked around at us, smiled, and said, “It looks like it’s been a rough night? How long has he been lying here like this?”

I thought right off the bat I wasn’t going to like her. She had no idea what we’d been through those past few hours. I was wrong. Before she even allowed us to answer, she began checking Will’s vital signs. She was tender, she was quiet, and the look on her face told me she knew everything we’d been through. After checking vitals, she asked if Rebecca and I could talk with her in the living room while Brian waited with Will. But before we went, she spoke to Will in a loving and calm voice. “Will, darling, I’m not sure how you got to this floor, but I can’t imagine it’s very comfortable much at all. Now, we’re gonna get you up, but not just yet. Is there anything else I can do for you right now?” She placed her hand near his arm without touching him. I could tell she knew he was hurting, and a simple touch would be excruciating for him.

“Yes,” Will said clearer than anything he’d said all night. “I want you,” he said while he put his hand over my face and pushed on me, “to get THIS away from me, dammit.”

I put my hand up, but didn’t grab his hand. He kept his hand covering my face for a moment while I stifled a sob, then pulled away from me. I just got up, but since I was worried Will would still hit his head, I made Brian sit where I had been sitting and slowly followed Martha and Rebecca out of the room.

“His time is near, my dears. He won’t live much longer,” Martha said quietly. She put her hand on both of our arms for comfort, as if the pressure of her hand on our arms would take away the pain her words brought us. We knew our situation couldn’t last forever, much longer even, but we didn’t feel the need to hear it out loud. Martha asked us a few questions about the past few hours, and we all decided we needed to get him into the hospice bed. Just as quietly as she shared unwanted news with us, she left the room, leaving Rebecca and I hugging and crying into each other’s shoulders.