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Will just yelled at us and fell back onto the bed. Again.

Eventually after a few more cycles of anger, sitting up, pulling himself up with his hands on his headboard, he relaxed and fell asleep. And then he peed in the bed. More dignity gone for Will. I felt so awful. We had stopped him from visiting the toilet. We’d taken away his choices. We’d broken our own promises we’d made to ourselves.

But we knew it was what was best for him. It had to be. If he had gotten up…If he had fallen again…

Rebecca looked at me. We were both crying. “Honey, it’s okay. If he’d fallen, he could have broken something. If he broke his leg or somethin’…well, he wanted to be here, in this house. He doesn’t want to go to a hospital. We did the right thing. Will ya help me change the sheets?” She started laughing. “If we can get him to move now.”

I tried to encourage Will to slide or roll to the side of the bed closest to the wall, the side he’d been avoiding so far in his trips all over the rest of the bed. It took me time, but I got him to the other side of the bed. We put new sheets on the wet side of the bed.

“Bed pads!” Rebecca said so quick, I almost didn’t know what she’d said.

“Oh yeah, we should put those on the bed. But...,” I was thinking. “If we put them on top, we save the sheets if he goes again, but the way he’s moving, he’ll just move them around too.” I looked at Will, at the new sheets we had on half of the bed and the old sheets rolled up in the center of the bed. “Can we just put them under the sheets? If they get wet, then we have to change them again, but at least the mattress isn’t wet, so we can get new sheets under him, and he won’t be on a wet mattress.” I wasn’t even sure if I was making sense. I just knew the pads would be moved around with each roll Will made across the bed.

“Okay, can you slip them under the part you already made?”

Brian must have been listening because he was standing in the doorway with a stack of them. I took two and slipped them under the new sheets. I was still thinking it just didn’t make sense to get the sheets wet and have to change them again, but otherwise, I knew the pads would just be in a ball, irritating Will or on the floor useless anyway.

It took us another hour to get the other side of the sheets changed. We didn’t bother Will unless he was moving on his own. Keeping him off the wet side in the center of the bed was a challenge, but Rebecca was able to sit on the new side while he inched his way over, and I took off the old sheets and pulled the corners of the new clean sheets around the mattress. Brian was there right away to take the old sheets, and we could hear him starting the washing machine. It was good he was thinking ahead. I wasn’t sure how many sets of sheets they had and how long we could keep the cycle going.

Chapter Seventeen

Will slept peacefully for a while. Rebecca and I gathered blankets and pillows for us from the other rooms and camped out on the floor next to Will’s bed. We kept the medicines in the kitchen with the chart and would take turns every two hours getting morphine into his system. He hated when we woke him, but when he slept, it was mostly peaceful and, we hoped, pain free. According to the chart we kept, every four hours he got oxycodone and other things as well. I was so glad we’d decided to do the chart. I lay there in the dark wondering if Rebecca was thinking about being in their bed together. She must have been heartbroken, watching her husband up there in pain and complete discomfort lying in their marital bed alone, while she lay on the floor only near him. But then I also remembered in a selfish way the conditions of their marriage. Sure maybe they were in love, but I knew Will couldn’t commit his whole heart. He never could.

Will cycled again. He grew agitated, moved a lot, rolled, grabbed his headboard pulling his body up with one weak thin arm, and bent his knees, inching himself around another ninety degrees. This time, instead of stopping at ninety degrees, his body kept turning. On his back, he’d pulled up to the headboard, with his head hitting the wood, then he spun himself a full one hundred eighty degrees until his head was facing his footboard. With his knees still bent, his feet were now touching the headboard, but it proved to be a problem when he tried to straighten out his legs. He laid still for a bit. Rebecca and I both sat up.

“Is he in the middle of the bed?” I asked.

“No, he’s closer to this side, but I don’t think he’ll fall off. I don’t think we’ll be sleeping much. But at least if he falls, he has us to cushion his fall.” She giggled quietly. It was nice to see we could still be human in this complete inhumane scene. We were still living and laughing, and that was a huge part of being alive. I was glad to see her able to find humor amongst all this pain.

I tried to stifle a giggle. “Let’s just hope he doesn’t fall.” I wondered if he could hear us, if he was sleeping still or was just still. As soon as I hoped for no falling, Will’s legs pushed against the headboard and his frail body went sliding down the bed, his head now heading toward the footboard. With such force coming from his legs, his body turned, and his head ended up off the side of the bed. He was looking at Rebecca, teetering between the comforts of the bed and falling on top of us. Rebecca and I both bolted to him. I stood next to his chest, willing it to stay on the bed, while Rebecca gently held his head, standing next to his chest to steady him. I was afraid to touch him. But he needed to slide back onto the bed.

“Will. You’re going to fall off the bed. You can’t move this way anymore,” I was stern with him; almost angry myself.

“Will?” Rebecca tried to get his attention as well.

I wasn’t even sure if he was aware of us, knew where he was, what position he’d allowed his body to put him in, nor what to do about it. “Will, the only thing I can think to do here is to help guide your body back onto the bed before you scooch too far off to this side. I know your body hurts, but I hope if I just slip my arms under your robe, you won’t feel much. Rebecca, can you help lift and guide his head at the same time?”

“Sure, hon, let’s go slow, okay? Will, you tell us to stop if we need to, okay, baby, tell us to stop.” Rebecca was crying too. I didn’t even realize tears were streaming down my cheeks until they began to drop onto Will’s robe. Again. Crying was so second nature in those moments, we weren’t even aware it was happening until the tears begin to fall on us or onto Will.

“Okay, Will. Here we go. Hey, when we’re done with this, we’ll get you some more medicine to help you sleep and help with any pain I cause here. I’m so sorry, sweetie, I’m so sorry. I’m going to move you now, one…two…” I slipped my arms under him, heard protest coming from him, and then lifted him as if he were just a sack of soft laundry and slid him closer to the middle of the bed. Once Rebecca had his head positioned on top of the bed and not hanging off, she and I looked at each other and sighed. We noticed Brian was standing in the doorway once Will was positioned safely on the bed.

“Everything okay? I heard voices. I must have fallen asleep, but I’m here if you need anything.”

“We’re okay, Brian, thanks. Will was just moving around again and well, he tried to head dive off the bed.” Now it was my turn let out a little giggle. “I’ll go get his medicine. I think it’s a good time for it.” I squeezed Rebecca’s upper arm and left the room. I did feel relieved, like we’d mounted another hurdle and passed through it with very little problem. At least for us, who knew how much pain we’d left Will in. Something was tugging in the back of my mind again. Will was agitated. He’d been moving in his sleep again, waking easily. He probably needed to pee. I remembered the pattern and hoped we’d handle it better this time, then wondered how many chances we’d have to make it right for Will.

When I got back to the bedroom, Rebecca had his head resting in her lap just slightly elevated. He took his morphine with no problem and sipped some old ginger ale then yelled at us to leave him alone. Rebecca got up and moved to the door. We’d agreed there was no need for him to know or think we’d been lying on the floor near him all night. He’d feel like a bug in a glass jar. Violated. I put my pillow next to Will’s body in an effort to keep him from rolling off the bed while we were out of the room. Then Brian and I followed Rebecca out the door. Brian reminded us he was just on the couch if we needed anything. I could tell he was not only giving us our space, but also having a very hard time dealing with all of this himself. Rebecca and I stayed in the hallway until Will stopped moving and quieted, then we placed ourselves back on the floor next to him. He was still lying in the same position, his head near the footboard. We were awake, unable to sleep for a while, but we remained quiet. Moments passed when I could hear Rebecca sniffle. I found myself doing the same. We just laid side by side; our arms linked; our lives linked. We both grew quiet. I was not sure how much time had passed when Will’s moaning woke us, but we both sat up, not knowing why he sounded so horribly wounded. After jumping up, I realized I was looking for Will at the head of the bed, and it took me a moment in the dark to orient myself after waking from sleep but also to find Will. Of course he wasn’t at the head of the bed, he’d been turned around before we all fell asleep. But I couldn’t really see his body at the foot of the bed either. Will had fallen into the rather small crack between the foot of the bed and the footboard. He was laying sideways again and would have fallen to the floor had it not been for the footboard. We had no idea how we’d slept through all the moves he must have made to get into the position, wedged between the mattress and the footboard, and we had no idea how’d we’d get him out.

“Oh my God,” was all I could muster.

“Will? Will, baby, how the hell’d ya get all the way down there?” Rebecca was already near the foot of the bed, trying to get his head up. I ran around to where the bed was pushed up against the wall and tried to see where his feet were. They weren’t too far down, he was wedged, but not close to the floor. While I was on that side, I flipped on the bathroom light so we wouldn’t irritate him too much, but so we could see a little bit. With the bit of light provided through the bathroom door, I could see just how wide the space was. It was definitely wide enough for him to fall to the floor if time and movement allowed. It appeared the bedframe was not actually attached to the footboard. There was an old wooden trunk at the foot of the bed leaning against the footboard. Yet another problem to face, something that may have been prevented, had we only been able to Will-proof the room before the journey started. Every time I thought of all the things we’d learned along the way, I put those thoughts in a little box as if to save them for the next time it were to happen.

“Rebecca, I think I’m going to kneel on the trunk. We need to try to lift him out. He’s not all the way wedged in like I thought at first, one of his legs is up on top of the mattress, so we just need to get him to move that one while we get his upper body and other leg out. Maybe Brian could…” I looked over at the door and Brian was standing there, waiting for instructions of his own.

“I’ll get his upper body if I can get under him, Nik. You stay near his feet, and see if you can get his leg out.” Brian walked over, held the footboard up against his body, and pushed the trunk out of the way just an inch or two so he could wedge himself between it and the footboard and still get a good grasp on Will’s upper body. I watched him bend over and put his hands and arms under Will’s shoulder and ribs. He nodded at me, looked at Rebecca, and we all lifted Will out of the tight space. It wasn’t as difficult as I had expected it to be, but Will screamed as soon as we all started moving him. We all paused, and for a moment, I was afraid we’d drop him back down. But he managed to move his upper leg and pull on the sheets with his exposed arm to get himself mostly unstuck. Just when we thought he was out, and we’d just have to update his medicines, fix the footboard so it didn’t happen again, and wait for the next event, Will screamed. Louder than before.

“I…leg! Ahhhh.” Will put his face into the bedding and moaned. At second glance, I realized he wasn’t fully out of the empty space. One leg was still stuck. And that leg, at least in the semi-darkness, looked much bigger than the other leg. With Will fairly secure on the bed, Brian moved the footboard out of the way, thank goodness, his foot wasn’t between the balusters of the footboard, while I, as gently as possible, lifted Will’s swollen leg back onto the bed. He was secure again. Rebecca was soothing his hair, whispering to him while Brian and I moved the footboard back, secured it tighter, and pushed closer against the bed with the trunk. He was secure. But he was lying sideways across the bed again and already getting irritated with us. He started reaching for the footboard in the same grasping way he had reached for the head board earlier. He was trying to pull himself up. The first time he pulled on the footboard, we all saw the trunk push outward at least an inch. That was how he had created the gap he’d fallen in earlier. Only then we had all been sleeping through it. Again, I was struck with awe at his speed and strength. Within a few seconds he’d had the lower part of his body turned, his head up against the footboard leaving the three of us all glaring at him.

“Whatcha doing, Will?” I asked. He was still on a mission and still maneuvering himself pretty quickly. In just a few more seconds, he had his head on the other side of the bed, near the wall, and his feet were dangling off the bed near where Rebecca was sitting. Right where his head had just been when she was smoothing his hair back trying to comfort him. He managed to do all of this with the help of the footboard. It was lower than the headboard, so he was able to get more leverage and pull his body around more easily. It only took a few more seconds for him to flip himself over on to his back, and inch his way to the edge of the bed using the footboard again to pull him along.

“Whoa, big guy, where ya going?” I regretted it as soon as the words came out. I was just shocked it all happened so quickly. He was sitting on the edge of the bed. He looked worn out, like the trip there had drained him of any and all energy he’d had.