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Chris sighed, “Will called me about six months ago and told me he was sick. He told me he had known for years he was sick, he knew he would not recover, and he asked me if I would be alright with him asking you to come to Virginia to visit him. I think back then I didn’t realize he’d ask you to visit when he was dying. I think I figured he’d ask you to come and visit when he was well, he’d tell you about it, you’d say your goodbyes…I don’t know, Nikki. I don’t know exactly what he expected or what I expected. But I knew he was married, and I wasn’t worried about you going out there for a visit. Honestly, Nikki, I’m not sure what to think now.” Chris’ voice faded. “We miss you, Nikki. And we love you, but you do what you need to do, and please tell me how I can help you. And tell me when you’re ready to come home. I’ll book everything.”

“I’ll let you know, Chris. Can you look into me driving the rental car back? I don’t know yet, but I have his guitar to bring home with me,” I paused. I couldn’t think about getting back home just yet. “Look. I don’t know what to do here, but I think I need to stay, for a while at least. I’m sorry this is disrupting our lives, your life, work. Chris, I just don’t know what to do. But for now, I think I’d like to stop talking about it. I’m mad. I’m pissed actually, but hearing Emily’s voice brought me back to life, and I think all I’m sure of is I need some sleep. Are the girls still awake, can I talk to them?” I couldn’t end the conversation about Will quick enough. I just felt spent.

“I’ll put Emily back on. Can you call Bella tomorrow sometime, she fell asleep watching a movie. I haven’t moved her to bed yet, so I can wake her if you’d like, but…” I could tell Chris had his hands full with the kids and working from home. I knew he had lots of help, we had many friends step up and offer to keep the girls during the day when they could, but I also knew Chris wasn’t accepting as much help as he could be. I reminded myself to make some calls and see if some friends could just force help onto him. We did have a lot of support if nothing else. Who was I kidding? We had a great life, great support, and lots of friends who were willing to do anything for our family and knew we’d do anything for theirs as well.

“Mommy! Are you coming home yet?” Emily had not forgotten her all important question after all.

“Soon, Ladybug, soon. I don’t know when, but I think you might be able to go to Kayla’s house for a big playdate soon. Would you like that? Maybe Kayla’s mom can give you guys a special treat, like ice cream! And maybe, just maybe, if you try hard enough, you could draw me a picture. I bet you and Bella are changing so much while I’m away. Maybe you can draw a picture of yourself while I’m away. Can you do that, Em?”

“Silly Mommy. I already drew you a picture. But it wasn’t of me. It was of all the butterflies I saw in my dreams. Mommy, they are blue and yellow and green and purple. They were so pretty, and I drew them all in my drawling.” Emily was so sweet, and next to ladybugs, butterflies were a favorite for her to draw. At the age of four, she still put an L in the word drawing.

“I can’t wait to see it, Emily. It sounds beautiful.”

“Actually, Mommy, it’s fabulous!” Emily’s excitement was showing through the phone. I hoped with both of my girls I would be able to nurture art in their lives. I hoped it was something they would love forever, as much as I did for so long, but I also secretly hoped they would never give it up for anything, anyone, or ever become too busy to paint or draw the beautiful things in life.

“Emily, will you draw me a picture every day while I am gone?”

“Mommy, that’s a fabulous idea. I think I can do that. I can help Bella drawl her pictures too. She just does squiggle lines, you know, but I can even write her name so you know it’s from her. Daddy taught me how to spell Bella, B-E-A, Bella! See, Mommy, I can spell Bella! Isn’t that fabulous?” I made a note to ask Chris where the word ‘fabulous’ came from. It was obviously a new favorite of Emily’s in the days since I drove away from my wonderful, fabulous life to be with a friend 1800 miles away while he died. My mind was taking flight again.

“Emily, I love you so much. You are absolutely fabulous, you know. It would make me so happy if you could draw a picture for me every day, and even more so if you could help Bella write her name even. I love you, Ladybug,” tears started falling from my swollen cheeks again.

“I love you too, Mommy.” Then, Emily, my big baby girl was off the phone.

“Hey, honey,” Chris was saying through the phone again.

“Hey,” I said with the bit of energy I had left.

“Try to get some sleep tonight if you can. I’ll text you anything we need, but we’ll try to leave you be. You call when you can. I know Bella would love to hear from you tomorrow if you can call. Other than that, we’ll be fine. Don’t worry about us. We have lots of help, and we are okay.”

“I know you are fine, Chris. I’m so sorry. I feel so bad. I guess this falls under the ‘for worse’ part of marriage vows. I definitely feel the worst I’ve felt, well, ever, and I’m so lucky to have you at that end. I’m just so sorry,” I started crying again.

“Nikki, get some sleep. I love you.”

“I love you too, Chris. Good night,” I hung up. I couldn’t even wait for him to bid me good night. It was almost too much for me to bear. The journey across the country, and finding out I was losing someone I loved, whether I approved or not, was taking its toll on me. I changed my clothes, leaving everything else in my suitcase, thinking I might not be sleeping there in the next few days. After washing what felt like gallons of tears from my face, I found my father in his room, hugged him without saying anything except wishing him a good night’s sleep, and crawled into my bed. The next day would bring the sun and another day, and as I tried to teach my children, how I chose to deal with it all would determine how good or bad it would be. Drifting off to sleep, I tried to believe that. I knew I had no control over when Will would die, or how it would be for me or for him. There simply was no other way to deal with it except for crying, nonstop. I knew that was what was in my future, at least in the days to come. I reminded myself to ask Rebecca for a notebook so I could journal. I was learning not only a lot about myself, but also about how I want my life to be moving ahead. My life, with Chris and my children, whom I missed so very much.

***

Will was standing so close to me. I could smell him. I could feel his pulse running through my own veins. He was mid-calf deep in the water, and I was standing on a slippery rock. Covered in green algae, my toes felt slimy. We hadn’t seen one another in a couple of years, so to have him show up out of the blue was amazing. Leaving Colorado was a tough decision. I was between jobs, between boyfriends, and ready to give up the good fight and move back to Deltaville. When my toes touched the beach, I felt right at home, but when the humidity settled in, I was immediately reminded why I didn’t belong in Virginia. And then Will called. He’d heard I was in town; of course, everyone there knew everyone and everyone’s business. In Denver, I knew about ten people and didn’t care enough for any of them to know their business. Will and I had always stayed in touch, but we hadn’t been extremely close for a few months. Though we talked weekly, I hadn’t felt real close to Will recently. He’d been dating a woman who stopped in Deltaville to visit friends and decided she’d stay a while. It wasn’t like Will to date just one woman, since he’d made it clear to me relationships weren’t for him, and that woman was nothing like him from what I understood. She was Wiccan and liked everything to be so very natural; eating from the land and all that. Will hadn’t really changed since dating her, but the months he spent dating her, I hadn’t felt close to him like I had in the years since our breakup. And there he was standing before me, breathing the same air. I hadn’t been dating anyone in Colorado since my last fling, which was with someone I thought I could actually marry; only he was in the middle of a divorce and on a completely different plane than myself. While still in my twenties, I wasn’t sure I could walk down the aisle with someone who had already done it. It might seem silly and mundane to some, like choosing not to be with someone because they hadn’t washed their own laundry before, but I just felt like this man had been through so many life experiences I held sacred, and I wanted to share them with someone for the first time for us both. Maybe it was an excuse to walk away from another relationship because he wasn’t Will. Maybe in my life it was that simple. I stood on the slippery rock thinking about all the reasons I couldn’t come back to Deltaville. I couldn’t live there. Not with Will and his witch girlfriend living in the same small town. I knew I wouldn’t go anywhere in love or in life if I moved back home. Will spoke first after the long silence following our initial hugs and hellos. I was trying to be comfortable, to appear comfortable, but as he spoke, my feet slipped on the growing algae, and my butt landed in the water.

“What did you just say, Will?” I said from the water, laughing with tears in my eyes. My butt must have hit the rock on the way down.

Through laughter, I heard Will say, “I said, she’s moved on to New York. But what I should have said is, these rocks are slippery. Don’t you remember that? Or did dry Colorado dry that pretty little brain of yours?”

I tried to sound like I was hurting for him, gauging whether or not he was upset because his little witch had moved on without him. He was laughing at me with a hand held out to pull me out of the water. I grabbed his hand, caught him off guard, and was able to pull him down with me. Only he landed on top of me, pushing my back into the water as well. Will was a quick thinker and put his hand behind my head before it slammed into the rock I had just fallen from. We were in quite the precarious position, lying in the water, him on top of me, both wet and laughing, with no attachments except our past together. With his hand supporting my head, I was able to put my hands on his cheeks and pull myself closer to his lips.

“She’s gone?” I whispered.

“Yes, the wicked witch is dead,” he paused. “Well, she’s not dead, but our relationship is dead. She moved to New York with some friends. Said something about living a real life in a real town.”

I didn’t even let him speak anymore, I put my lips closer to his while he pushed his down close to mine. When they touched, we both moaned. We were meant to be. This was definitely a sign or fate, or something. After the best kiss I’d had in years, we both laughed. He rolled off me, and I splashed him. We were like kids again, splashing in the shallow waters.

“You’ll need something to change into. I can honestly say I don’t have any women’s clothes at my house, but I do have some sweats and t-shirts. Can you come up for a bit?” he paused again. “I mean, if you want to. I guess you have clothes at your dad’s house you could change into,” he started laughing again. “But then what will your dad say about you coming home all wet? Wasn’t that his car you pulled up in? You can’t go home all wet in his car. I can wash your clothes, but it’ll mean you’ll have to stay for a couple of hours. Do you have a couple of hours?”

“Will, you’re rambling,” I said and ran up to the beach.

“Oh, Nikki Jay,” Will followed me and grabbed my waist before I got too far. “Rambling is what I do best when you are near.” He kissed me again. It wasn’t playful like before. It was long and filled with years of missed passion. His height dipped me back as he supported my weight in his arms. “Oh, Nikki Jay,” he whispered. He didn’t need to say anything else. Years of not being together had filled any void he’d had. Years of loving from afar, years of regrets we both had, years of never forgetting that exact feeling, that exact passion. One can’t just forget that feeling when you are just meant to be. No words needed to be said, but yet there was so much to say, so much to acknowledge; like my flight back to Denver in two days.

***

I woke feeling guilty after dreaming all night of Will. I woke crying, knowing nothing in life was simple and, though I never thought I’d ever be in a position where I was with Will instead of Chris and had to choose one over the other, I was also quite pissed it was a choice I’d never been able to make.

Daddy had doughnuts and a cup of coffee waiting for me from the local convenience store. The store had changed names and hands, but did have better doughnuts than ever before. For me the change was just another reminder things subtly change but don’t really change at all. I hugged Daddy, took a doughnut, and said, “You always know just what I need, Daddy. Thank you. You didn’t have to,” I stopped talking because I was fighting back tears and trying to hide my sorrow behind another doughnut.

“There’s another dozen in there if you want to take them to Rebecca. You two might…” he stopped talking, too. I could tell he was going to make light of two women eating twelve doughnuts alone or something similar and then thought twice about it knowing what we were facing there. At her house. Where Will was still dying.

“Thank you, Daddy. I think I’ll grab a quick shower and get over there,” I paused, fighting back tears. “Umm, listen, I don’t know how long I’ll be there.” I couldn’t stop the tears from falling again. I was certain before everything was over I would just run out of tears all together. I wasn’t even sure what I was trying to tell him, but whatever it was, it wasn’t coming out.

“Honey, I’m not going anywhere. The only place I needed to go was to get you coffee, and that’s done. I’ll be here if you need me. If you need anything, you call me.” He hugged me, kissed the top of my head, pulled away from me, and wiped my cheeks. There was nothing else to be said.

Chapter Fourteen

I barely noticed the many speed bumps slowing the drive on the way to Will’s house. I was glad for the short delay in getting there. I knocked three times, then pushed the door open part ways and peeked in. Will was sitting up in his hospital bed and asked me to wait a few minutes before coming in. He mumbled something about the bathroom and waiting. I wasn’t sure of everything he’d said, but took it to mean he didn’t want me to see him walking away. I didn’t see Rebecca anywhere. As I was pulling the door closed, I watched Will get up and shuffle towards the hallway. He was wearing a familiar robe and using a walker I hadn’t seen earlier.