31 Days of Summer (31 Days #2) (18 page)

‘Holy shit, we’re really doing this?’ she uttered.
I loved that she included herself in my predicament. We
were
family. I
picked up my locket and caressed it, wondering what mum and dad would have made
of this situation.

‘We’re doing this,’ I agreed, as my tears
continued to flow. For once tears of happiness.

‘Wow. Ok we’ll be there soon. Do you need anything
from the supermarket? Any cravings yet? Nappies?’

‘No, I’m not craving nappies yet,’ I giggled as I
lay back on the bed. ‘Though I’m sure they’d be super tasty.’

‘See you’ve not lost your sarcastic edge,’ she
observed.

‘Sorry, but I think we can live without nappies
for quite some time. I’d just really like to give my two best friends a hug and
for them to reassure me that I can do this, that I’ve not gone completely
crazy.’

‘O you
are
completely crazy, Ellie Baxter.
That’s not up for debate, but yes you
can
do this. You’ve such a big
heart and you look after everyone so well that you’re going to be an amazing
mother, but we have to have a discussion about the whole Dan part of it babe.’

‘I know,’ I sighed. Me being pregnant really
wasn’t the major issue, Dan was. ‘Don’t ruin my happy buzz.’

Sunday 10
^th
July ~ Year One

Dan

I was in the gym again,
bruising my knuckles on my punching bag, sweat dripping off me as I focussed
all my internal anger on that swinging bag, following up now and again with a
roundhouse kick and a roar. I stopped and bent over with my hands on my knees
when I heard the noise of the gym door being opened.

‘You’ll break something,’ came Mrs. McAdams’s
voice.

‘I’m made of strong stuff,’ I panted, as I raised
my head to look at her.

‘I was talking about the cabin if you kick that
bag through my living room wall,’ she smiled. ‘We can hear you pounding it and
yelling even with the TV on.’

‘Sorry,’ I sighed, as I straightened up and
grabbed a towel to wipe my forehead and throat.

‘Is it helping?’ she asked as she carried a tray
over with a cup of coffee, a large club sandwich and some fresh fruit.

‘My fitness levels yes, my mood? Not particularly,
no.’

‘You’re still missing her,’ she nodded, as she set
the tray down on the desk in the corner of the gym, where I had another
computer and office landline just in case.

‘Why is it that I’m surrounded by women so eager
to fix my love life?’ I demanded, as I grabbed my coffee and took a sip.

‘Because we care and we love to meddle. Would it
be so bad to swallow your pride and go and tell her that you love her?’

‘Love her?’ I raised an eyebrow as I looked at
her. I’d not vocalised the depth of my feelings to anyone but James.

‘Please, you’re not fooling anyone but yourself
and this lady, laddie. You’re in love, it’s written all over your face and
those bruised knuckles from venting your frustrations on that poor bag over
there.’

‘I’m not confirming anything, but say I was, love
isn’t enough sometimes. She wants things I can’t give her.’

‘Like what?’ Mrs. McAdams demanded as she folded
her arms across her chest.
What the hell was with all these feisty damn
women in my life?
I wondered.

‘Marriage, children.’

‘The marriage issue is only an issue by your own
making, you have the power to resolve yet you continue to punish yourself with
a daily reminder of things that you can never change.’

‘My choice,’ I reminded her with a scowl.

‘Don’t pull that face on me, I could refuse to
cook for you and then where would you be?’

‘I could refuse to pay you.’

‘That you could, but you won’t. You’re too decent
a man. So if you have the choice to change the one obstacle, and choose not to,
you only have yourself to be angry at for your current situation don’t you? So
what about the second part of the equation?’

‘That’s on me too,’ I confirmed, as I virtually
inhaled the remains of my caffeine fix.

‘You don’t want children?’ she frowned.

‘There’s no law stating that everybody in the
world must want children.’

‘No, but if you love someone part of loving them
is making them happy. Sometimes that means sacrificing what you want to place
their needs above your own.’

‘Has my mother been coaching you?’ I queried.
‘That was pretty much verbatim.’

‘No, though she rings me to see how you are if you
refuse to answer your phone, which has been a lot lately.’

‘I want to make Ellie happy, but I simply can’t.
You know my past, I can’t lose anyone I love again, I won’t put her through it.’
How many times did I need to keep reminding everyone of this before it finally
sank in?

‘Then that’s your decision too, so now you know
that you’re the only person standing in the way of your own happiness,’ she
sighed. ‘She’ll move on one day, she’ll find someone else to fall in love with,
she’ll get married and have a family with them instead. You’ll realise that it
could have been you and live with even more regrets for the rest of your life.
You’re getting that angry look on your face again. I’ll leave you in peace, but
if you break that wall you’ll be paying for it,’ she warned with a pointed
finger, before giving my forearm a squeeze. I watched her walk away and blew
out a deep breath. She was right, just like mother, Magda and Ellie, but I
wasn’t going to be bullied by a bunch of damn women. Like she’d just said, my
life, my choice and I’d just have to live with the damned consequences, like I
did on a daily basis.

Ellie

‘Brooke, stop looking at my stomach, you can’t see
anything,’ I laughed, as I curled up in the corner of the sofa with a hot
chocolate and smoked salmon and cream cheese bagel, while her and Molly had a
full English fry up that I’d made for them after their overnight stay. I’d
insisted last night that I at least enjoy my night with my newfound news, that
I didn’t want to ruin it by discussing the complexities of it all. She’d
reluctantly agreed and I’d found it quite amusing to see the way she’d keep
biting her bottom lip, a sign she was on the verge of talking, but thinking
better of it. I was amazed we’d got through an hour of sitting in the kitchen,
while I prepared a roast for dinner for the three of us tonight and got our
late breakfast underway.

‘So are we having the serious discussion today?’
she asked, as she put her knife and fork down and I sighed. My time was up.

‘We’re here to support you in any way we can
Ellie, so no judgements or pushing you to do anything you don’t want to do,’
Molly added with a scowl at Brooke who went to interrupt. ‘We can just calmly
discuss your options and choices, give you our opinions, but if they differ
from yours we’ll respect your decisions. Won’t we Brooke?’

‘I guess,’ Brooke sighed, not looking entirely
convinced.

‘Come on then, let’s get it over with.’ I braced
myself for the worst.

‘You’re sure you want to keep it? To potentially
be a single mother for the rest of your life?’ Molly asked.

‘Yes I’m sure. You know how much I’ve wanted a
baby. I’d have been doing this as soon as I could anyway, so I don’t see the
difference. You were both supportive of my investigations into the clinics,
besides even if women have a baby with a partner, there’s no guarantee that
they won’t become single parents either, with divorce and separation statistics
the way that they are.’

‘Fair point,’ she agreed. ‘What about work and
finances?’

‘I’m entitled to maternity leave. I work from home
most of the time anyway so it’s not like I’m bound by the routines of a nine to
five job, as long as I meet deadlines I can work around how I’m feeling. I have
enough savings to tide me over while my salary drops until I return back to
work properly, there’s no issue there.’

‘Maisie,’ interjected Brooke.

‘What about her?’ I frowned.

‘You have a two seater sports car, with a boot
that barely takes the grocery bags. How are you going to fit a buggy and one of
those ginormous bags containing endless supplies of baby wipes, formula,
bottles, nappies and whatever shit these poor mums have to drag out with them every
day?’

‘Ok, admittedly she’s not ideal,’ I conceded, ‘but
since living here how often have I used my car? I’m close to work, the shops,
the park and my doctors. Groceries I can have delivered to save the hassle of
packing up the baby and all that stuff. Guys this isn’t a big deal, other than
Maisie you’re not asking me anything that I hadn’t already thought of. I’d
already costed up all the new kit I’d need to buy and worked out my finances
before I booked the initial clinic appointment.’

‘What about the sex?’

‘I’ll be fine. In the last two years I’ve had
eighteen months where I had none at all. I’ll just order extra vibrators if it
gets desperate and I haven’t found someone else I want to sleep with.’

‘Well that’s good to hear, but I meant the sex of
the baby. Are you going to find out?’ Brooke asked.

‘I’d like to,’ I nodded. ‘As long as it’s healthy
with all fingers and toes and any other appendages in place I’ll be happy, but
I’d like to prepare with appropriate clothes and toys in advance.’

‘Great, I suppose it’s going to take over my
bedroom is it?’ sighed Brooke.

‘Our bedroom,’ corrected Molly with a jab to her
side.

‘The guest bedroom,’ I reminded them both. ‘It’s
yours for some time guys. I was thinking I’d have the baby in my room to start
with, then I could get one of those desks that converts into a double bed so
you guys could sleep in the office space when baby Baxter gets his or her own
room,’ I shrugged.

‘Baby Davenport,’ corrected Brooke and Molly
slapped her arm with another scowl as I raised my eyebrows.

‘We talked about this, Brooke. That wasn’t on the
agreed list of questions or suggestions,’ Molly warned.

‘There’s a list?’ I asked, surprised.

‘Yes and
gently
enquiring about how you’re
going to handle things with Dan was on it,’ she added with an apologetic smile
at me.

‘What do you want me to say?’ I frowned.

‘How about I handle this, Brooke,’ Molly suggested
as Brooke looked ready to leap in.

‘Fine, whatever. I’m only going to be the bloody auntie,
but I don’t get a voice?’

‘That’s not true, Ellie just doesn’t need loads of
extra stress and pressure at the moment ok, sweetie?’ Molly leaned over and
kissed her and she nodded with a sigh. ‘So, we were wondering when you were
going to tell him?’

‘I’m not,’ I replied, bracing myself for the
backlash and saw the disappointment on both of their faces.

‘Do you think that’s wise?’

‘It’s complicated.’

‘Because he didn’t want children?’

‘Well there’s that for starters, then there’s the
fact that he thought I was on the pill, which I was, but it’s going to look
like I found out he was wealthy and did exactly what Moira did, get pregnant to
trap him. I never want him to think that this was some attempt to blackmail
him.’

‘I get that, but he knows that you were in love
with him before you knew about his status, surely that counts for something?’
she said gently.

‘It does, but … there’s the whole thing with
Rebecca dying in childbirth. He’s terrified of that ever happening to anyone he
cares about again, that’s why he walked away from me. He said he’d rather lose
me, than go through that again. How can I put him under that sort of stress? When
he already blames himself for her death and this whole fucked up situation with
Moira? I can’t do it to him.’ I felt my eyes filling up and Molly reached over
and held my hand as Brooke rubbed her face with another sigh.

‘He’s the father, Ellie. I may sort of hate him
for jerking you around so much, but he deserves to know.’

‘You think I haven’t already thought about that?
If he
loved
me it might make me feel differently, but he doesn’t,
Brooke. I know if he found out I was pregnant it would put untold stress on
him, not to mention how he’d feel in that delivery room, reliving every moment
of the woman he did actually love dying. I can’t hurt him like that, I love him
and I won’t do it.’

‘Ellie, for
God’s
sake,’ Brooke muttered.

‘Brooke, no,’ Molly warned with a shake of her
head. ‘Even if we disagree we don’t know Dan, Ellie does and it’s her choice
remember? No one can force her to do anything. Ok, let’s say you don’t tell
him, you have the baby, you’re both well and healthy then will you tell him?’

‘Of course I will, I’m not inhuman. He has the
right to know that he has a child, just as much as that child has the right to
know his father. Somehow I’ll let him know and it’s his decision if he wants to
be in the baby’s life isn’t it?’

‘Ok, that seems fair given its not normal
circumstances doesn’t it, Brooke?’

‘I’m going on record that I don’t agree, but if
that’s what Ellie wants to do I’ll respect it. But you’ll get a big fat fucking
I told you so if he’s furious when it comes to light and it all backfires on
you.’

‘Not the supportive encouragement we discussed
this morning,’ Molly sighed, as she flashed me another apologetic smile.