31 Days of Summer (31 Days #2) (13 page)

‘Thank you, so we have three hours. What are we
possibly going to talk about?’ I teased, but saw a frown cross his face.

‘Dean, can you disconnect your headphone from our
conversation. Hook back in if there’s a problem or I’ll tap you on the shoulder
when you can join us again.’

‘Yes, Sir,’ came Dean’s voice and I saw him press
a button on the microphone curved around towards his mouth.

‘We can talk freely,’ confirmed Dan.

‘Ok,’ I nodded. We just sat looking at each other,
waiting for the other to go first then he sighed and reached for my hand and
linked our fingers before squeezing it tightly.

‘You really love me?’

‘Yes,’ I answered quickly, without any hesitation,
as I held his gaze.

‘I … I care for you deeply, Ellie,’ he replied.
‘More deeply than I ever thought I could. I want to make you happy, but … I
realise my situation is unusual. I spoke at length with Theo and Florie this
morning and they told me that I risk losing you if I don’t let go of the past,
including Moira, but I’m just not ready.’

‘I’m not going to force you to Dan, no one can
push you into something you’re not ready to do. All I’m asking is that you
think carefully about whether you’re doing what’s best for her, her parents,
and ultimately for you. I see how you close off and shut down when you go
there. You’re carrying this huge burden on your shoulders and I think you’re
hinging all your hopes on her waking up and giving you her forgiveness. What if
that never happens?’

‘I don’t know,’ he sighed as he rubbed the heel of
his free hand over his eyes. ‘I’m not ready to let her go, but I’m not ready to
lose you over her either.’

‘I told you it’s no girl’s fantasy to share her
man with a reminder of his past, a painful reminder, but …’ I took a deep
breath. Was I ready to vocalise these thoughts that had been swimming around
since I spoke to Brooke?

‘But what?’ he looked at me hopefully.

‘I’m willing to accept her still being in your
life on one condition.’

‘Being?’

‘If you aren’t already, you see a specialist.’

‘I’ve had loads of specialists look at her, Ellie.
I don’t know what more I can do.’

‘Not for her, for you,’ I nodded. He frowned and
remained silent. ‘This affects you so deeply, Dan. If we’re going to be a couple
what affects you will affect me too. I’d like you to see someone who
specialises in the type of loss and trauma you’ve been through in your life. If
I know that you’re trying to deal with this, that maybe one day you might be
ready to let her go and embrace a life with me fully, then that’s all I can ask
of you right now.’

‘Simple as that? I see a shrink and you’ll be
mine?’

‘I’m yours already. You had me at “Miss Baxter, I
presume.”’ I told him, which made him laugh. ‘I’m not a cheater Dan, however we
work this while I’m with you there’ll never be anyone else for me.’

‘You really mean that?’ he asked as he raised my
hand to his lips and planted a tender kiss on my fingers.

‘Yes,’ I confirmed. ‘You can trust me, you know my
history. I find cheating abhorrent.’

‘I’m cheating, by seeing you.’

‘You may be married Dan, but you’re not in a
relationship. It’s different. So as long as you’re having therapy I’ll promise
not to bug you about seeing her every day, ok?’

‘You’re one amazing woman, Ellie Baxter.’

‘And you’d better not forget it,’ I smiled. ‘But
seriously, I’ll be patient for now, but I can’t promise how long I can do
that.’

‘That’s fair enough.’

‘There’s one thing I can’t compromise on though,’
I added as I tried to stop myself from trembling.

‘What?’ he asked seriously and I hung my head.
This was an area I had a feeling wasn’t going to go down well.

‘Children. I want them.’ I gulped as I heard him
suck in through his teeth and his grip on my fingers tightened. I hesitantly
looked up at him to see that his face had gone pale. I went to say more, but
quickly clamped my lips shut. I’d just made myself succinctly clear. What more
could I say? I saw him swallow hard and he turned his face away from me to look
out at the scenery we were skimming over, so I did the same as I rubbed my
thumb over his knuckles. I needed to give him some time. I just didn’t expect
him to take so much time. Even though he never let go of my hand, it was nearly
two hours later when his voice finally came through my headset.

‘Is this up for negotiation?’

‘No,’ I replied as I looked around at him and my
heart sank. His face was set in a hard line and the warmth had left his eyes.
This was dominant businessman Oliver Davenport, not my caring Dan who’d told me
his goal was to make me happy.

‘Children aren’t an option for me, Ellie.’

‘You’re infertile?’ I asked surprised.

‘No. I don’t want them.’

‘I don’t understand. You were going to … what
changed?’

‘I fucking lost them,’ he snapped as he loosened
his fingers and took his hand away from mine. That simple act told me that I
was losing him by pushing this issue.

‘And I can’t begin to understand how that felt,
but…’

‘No. You can’t,’ he responded as he looked away
out of the window again.

‘Don’t close off on me, please. I’m trying to understand,
I’m trying to convey something that’s really important to me. I just want us to
talk about it honestly.’

‘You want honest?’ he asked as he whipped his
thunderous face around to look at me. ‘I’m a murderer. I killed three people
and another’s on life support. I’m fucking cursed. Rebecca died carrying my
son, if Moira hadn’t been pregnant I’d never have seen her again and she’d
still be alive too. I’ve already lost two children, so I’m
not
allowing
you to get pregnant and losing you too, Ellie.’

‘Dan, I don’t know the intimate medical circumstances
of Rebecca, I wouldn’t dream of asking you to share them with me unless you
wanted to, but surely the risk of something that tragic happening nowadays is
minimal.’

‘It’s still a damn risk,’ he muttered stubbornly.

‘So, I’d have whatever tests and investigations
you wanted, regular check-ups. I’m not suggesting now, we haven’t even agreed
when we’re going to see each other, or found out what our favourite colours
are, but this is so important to me.’

‘Your life is more important to me, Ellie. This
isn’t something I’ll ever budge on, trust me. If we get to the stage where
you’re ready, then you can adopt.’

‘I can adopt? First off it would be “we” can
adopt, but adoption’s a last resort for me. I want to have my own child, to
feel it growing inside me, to have that close bond until I give birth to it.’

‘I can’t believe how fucking insensitive you’re
being about this,’ he gasped. I clutched my face and put my fingers to my
temples. This wasn’t going well. Was I being insensitive to want to know one
day we’d have a child together? Was I really asking too much? ‘You have my
answer. It’s not going to change.’

‘I can’t believe how stubborn you’re being,’ I
answered quietly, as I dropped my hands and looked at him again, sure he’d be
able to read the hurt in my face. ‘I’ve met you halfway on having your wife in
my life, you won’t compromise for me? It can’t all be about you and what you
want Dan. That’s not how a relationship works.’

‘I’m sorry. I forgot you were the relationship
expert here. I mean you lived with a guy for five years, a guy that cheated on
you, lied, stole and had a drug and prostitution habit that went on far longer
than he told you it did. You were seeing a married guy without knowing. That’s
twice now. Please, bless me with your wisdom on relationships.’

‘Now you’re just being mean again,’ I whispered,
as I battled tears forming behind my eyes.

‘I’m being realistic. I’m used to getting what I
want and I don’t compromise, Ellie. That’s not how business works.’

‘I’m not a business! I’m a person, a real living,
breathing person that will answer back, that will challenge you, that will
fight with you. I just want to love you, to make you happy again, to have a
family with you one day and you’re treating me like some commodity you can
purchase that will only perform the way you want it to.’ I felt him try to take
my hand and snatched it away and wiped my face where some stray tears had
trickled down.

‘You mean more than that to me, but you’re asking
too much of me.’ His voice had softened and was quieter but I couldn’t bring
myself to look at him. I felt so hurt, but having a baby wasn’t something I
could set aside just to keep him.

‘Then I guess there’s no point talking about
anything else is there?’

‘Don’t back me into a corner and force me down a
road I don’t want to go down,’ he warned with determination in his voice.

‘I’m not,’ I replied, as I looked out at the
buildings of London below us. ‘I’m not making you do anything, just like you
can’t make me do anything. If you really won’t change your mind on me having a
baby one day, then I can’t … I can’t carry on seeing you as that’s something I
refuse to compromise on.’

‘Ellie, we need to talk about this,’ he sighed.

‘We just did, Dan. I want children, you don’t.
It’s a pretty fundamental difference so there’s …’ I took a deep breath as I
felt a crushing weight on my chest. ‘There’s no point continuing this and
torturing ourselves.’

‘If you think I’m letting you run away from me
again you don’t know me very well,’ he snapped. I slowly turned my head and
looked at him sadly.

‘I’m not running. I’m stopping this because I
already love you Dan, so much you’ll never know and I can’t even explain why
you’ve got to me the way that you have. But while ending this now is going to
hurt like hell, it won’t hurt as much as it would a few years down the line if
I only then found out that you didn’t want children. I’ve dreamed of getting
married for years, I’m the stereotypical little girl who started a scrap book,
who believes in true love and happily ever after. I’m prepared to possibly give
that up for you, but I won’t give up on the possibility of having my own child.
If you’re telling me that it’s never going to happen with you, then there’s no
future for us.’ I heard my voice trembling as tears started to stream down my
face and I quickly looked back out of the window. This was good. I knew where I
stood now. Dan obviously wasn’t the guy for me, no matter how I felt about him.
This was better than being in the dark, surely?

‘Ellie … I …’

‘Sir, I hope I’m not interrupting but we’re coming
in to land and the wind is quite strong.’

‘Understood, Dean,’ he sighed. ‘Ellie, it may be a
little bit rough, but you’re in excellent hands with Dean, there’s no need to
be afraid, ok?’

I nodded my head as my blurred vision stopped me
from seeing what was going on outside, but I caught my breath as the helicopter
banked and shuddered. I didn’t protest when I felt Dan’s hand wrap around mine,
he always made me feel safe, even when he was breaking my heart. He squeezed
tighter as we made a shaky landing, before letting go of me. I zoned out while
he and Dean spoke as I tried to compose myself, rubbing my eyes and cheeks and
thanked God I hadn’t got around to putting any mascara on this morning. Dan
helped me out of my restraints and gave me his hand to hop down. I let go as
soon as my feet were on the floor.

‘Did you have a good flight, Sir?’ asked a
well-built gentleman in a suit and cap who approached from a Mercedes parked
close by with the back door open.

‘Excellent thank you, James. This is Miss Baxter.’

‘Miss Baxter. Pleasure to meet you.’

‘You too.’ I managed a smile as he indicated for
me to get into the car.

‘I’ll get the cases, Sir.’

‘Thanks,’ Dan replied, as he slid in beside me. I
knotted my fingers in my lap feeling sick. After getting through the whole
misunderstanding, his cover ups and deception, now we were ending it? I let out
a startled cry as I felt myself being slid along the seat and lifted up onto his
lap.

‘Don’t,’ I protested, as he wrapped his strong
arms tightly around me and kissed the top of my head when I buried my face in
his neck.

‘I hate that I’m making you so unhappy,’ he
sighed.

‘You make me
happy
, except I … I can’t
agree to give up something I want so badly,’ I whispered. I heard him sigh
heavily again. And we remained silent as the car started and moved off from
wherever the hell we were. I must have fallen asleep as I was suddenly aware of
a breeze on my bare arms and opened my eyes to see Dan was carrying me to my
front door. His front door. I wondered if this was weirder for me or for him.

‘You’re awake,’ he smiled as he looked down at me.
‘Do you have your key?’

‘You don’t have one?’

‘While you pay rent it’s your house not mine, Ellie.
I don’t carry it on me since you moved in.’

‘It’s in my suitcase.’

‘Ok,’ he nodded and set me down on the floor then
strode back to the car and I felt my stomach tighten as I watched his sexy
backside moving in his black jeans.
How the hell was I going to get over
this man?
He said something to James, rummaged in his bag and pocketed
something, then strode back over carrying my case as effortlessly as he did the
first day I met him, which started my tear production again. ‘Ellie,’ he
groaned.

‘Sorry,’ I muttered, as I bent over and opened the
side pocket I’d put my keys in. I tried to put the correct one in the lock, but
my hands were shaking too much. He took them off me, opened the door and
indicated for me to step inside as he picked up my case again, carried it
inside and shut the door behind him. We stood in the open plan kitchen diner,
awkwardly looking at each other, neither sure what to say. There wasn’t
anything else we could say. We disagreed on a core part of a relationship. We
were doomed from the start. I lay my case down, opened it and pulled out the
box that held the diamond and emerald bracelet he’d given to me. It would be
unfair to keep it now. I held it out to him, the contents rattling as my hands
continued to shake.