31 Days of Summer (31 Days #2) (12 page)

‘It’s hardly mine either,’ he retorted as he stood
up. ‘But it is what it is and I can’t change that.’

‘You won’t change that.’

‘No, what I won’t be is forced to do something I’m
not ready to do, Ellie. What are you saying? If I don’t agree to a timescale on
letting her die then you’ll walk away from me?’

‘I’m simply saying that I appreciate it’s
complicated for you, but it is for me too. It’s just been you and her for so
long, but if you’re inviting me to be a part of your life then you need to
consider how this will affect us as a couple, you want me to be a part of the
equation then you need to take into consideration how it affects me as well.’

‘I don’t have time for this now,’ he snapped.
‘Fuck. Why bring this up the minute I’m due to leave to see her? Are you
deliberately trying to wind me up?’

‘No,’ I sighed. ‘But we need to talk about this at
some point, Dan. I’m in love with you and I have no idea when I’m going to see
you next, how often, if you have time to have me in your life, or even if you
really want me in your life.’ I bit my lip, I felt emotional all of a sudden. I
wasn’t heartless, I wasn’t saying turn off her machine, move on with me.
Equally marriage and children were important to me, if they weren’t in his
future, if he was going to hang onto that shred of hope that she’d wake up and
forgive him, then I needed to think about protecting my heart and walking away.

‘Damn it, Ellie,’ he sighed, as he stood with his
hands on his hips looking down at me. ‘I’m trying to do the right thing and now
you’re on the verge of tears and I feel like a complete shit for leaving you.’

‘Just go, we both need time to think about what we
want from each other and discuss it rationally later.’

‘You’ll be here when I get back? You won’t run
again?’

‘You ran first,’ I reminded him as I wiped my
eyes.

‘Don’t you dare leave. I’ll hunt you down this
time no matter what.’ He leaned over, grasped my face and planted a kiss on my
lips, spun on his heels and disappeared. I covered my face with my hands as my
shoulders slumped. Was I being unreasonable? A selfish bitch to want to be the
priority in my man’s life? If Moira had a chance at waking up I’d have walked
away, as he’d try and be a good man and make it work, but I’d heard it myself,
from the nurse, from her parents, it wasn’t going to happen. Did he expect me
to wait for ever? Would our lives together revolve around his four hour daily
visits? Given my own levels of frustration I could only imagine what her
parents must be feeling. I suddenly sat upright as something came back to me.
The time I’d done the Christmas shopping and found him in the car park yelling
on his phone, “She’s my responsibility.” It was Moira he’d been talking about,
not me. I felt my heart breaking for him. He couldn’t forgive himself, that was
why he was hanging on. I just had no idea how I was going to help him. I lost
myself for a couple of hours in a book and jumped as the phone in the lounge
and bedroom rang simultaneously and crossed over to the bed and threw myself on
it as I picked up the receiver.

‘Hello?’

‘I’m going to bitch slap your face and arse like
you’ve never known if you ever come back to London, Ellie Baxter,’ hissed
Brooke’s furious voice. I couldn’t help bursting out laughing, even in a mood
she was a complete ray of sunshine. ‘It’s not bloody funny. Four days you’ve
been gone, four whole bloody days and I get three lousy texts?’

‘O Brooke, I’ve missed you.’

‘Apparently not enough. “I’ve arrived safely” then
“There’s an explanation” and “O my God he’s even bigger than I remember” with a
smiley winking face and stuck out tongue is hardly sharing and caring.’

‘I also said I missed you and loved you,’ I
reminded her.

‘So spill,’ she demanded.

‘How long do you have?’ I sighed, as I lay on my
front and kicked up my heels.

‘BFF’s don’t set time limits, the Brooke is all
yours. But first I need to know about his wife, how she died and why he lied
about it, there’s nothing wrong with being a widow.’

‘Widower.’

‘What’s the diff?’

‘Correct use of the English language. Let’s stay
on topic shall we?’

‘Whatever, dead wife, what’s the deal?’

‘She’s not exactly dead and that’s who he goes to
see for four hours every day,’ I sighed.

‘Get on that plane and come home right now!’
Brooke snapped. ‘I’m not having you be fucked around by him again. What’s wrong
with him? He wants to be married to her, but doesn’t live with her and thinks
it’s alright to fuck around with you behind her back, messing with your
feelings too? In fact I’m coming up there and I’m going to kick his arse, I
don’t care how sodding tall or big he is. What’s wrong with you? I thought you
had morals? I can’t believe that you’re seeing a marri…’

‘Brooke!’ I interrupted. ‘Stop for a second and
calm down. I
do
have morals and if his wife wasn’t in a coma, on a
ventilator, where she’s been for nearly four years, of course I wouldn’t still
be seeing him. I told you it’s complicated. Let me tell you and then you can
give me your thoughts, because while I don’t feel guilty, I feel seriously
confused about how we’re going to work.’

‘Sorry babe, you’ve just been so upset about him
for the last few months it got me mad.’

‘I know and I love you for being so protective and
supportive, I really do.’

‘Come on then, dish,’ she demanded.

‘What’s that noise?’ I asked, as I heard trickling
in the background.

‘I’m having a pee. I was going to hold it but we
could be some time by the sounds of it.’

‘Brooke!’ I laughed. ‘That’s revolting taking me
to the toilet with you.’

‘What? I needed to go and it’s not like I’m on
facetime and you can see the faces I make.’

‘Thank God for small mercies, seeing you straining
while taking a dump is not up there on my bucket list.’

‘Especially not when I’ve had that nutty seeded
bread. Jesus, that stuff rips through you like a colonic. Save money at a fancy
clinic and have that bread. I tell you it clears you out fast, though there is
the downside of
serious
ring sting after. I actually thought I had worms
the other day as my usual conker browns were full of white seeds,’ she informed
me earnestly.

‘I’m so lucky to have you as a best friend, how
else would I know these interesting and diverse facts of life? Any other shit
tips for me?’

‘Actually a vindaloo curry pretty much does the
same but with that…’

‘I was joking,’ I laughed. ‘I don’t want to try
it, hear about it or see it, please remember that next time you decide taking
me to the loo is a good idea.’

‘Ok let me wipe and wash my hands and I’m all
yours. Dan me up, make me like him again.’

‘Where to begin,’ I sighed and tried to give her
as much detail on the last few days as possible, which took a lot longer with
her interrupting and making sounds of approval and disapproval as we chatted,
along with another toilet break.

‘You have the bladder of a midge,’ I sighed.

‘I know. So he brought you a diamond and emerald
bracelet?’ she repeated for the third time. ‘Just …
because
?’

‘Why do you always fixate on the finance side of
things? You’ve not even commented on the fact that he doesn’t want to let her
go and if we stay together he’ll disappear for four hours every day.’

‘Money buys nice things. I get him not wanting to
turn it off, he’s lost his son and the first love of his life, even if he
didn’t admit it to himself until it happened. Then he’s the cause of an
accident that may as well have killed his scheming wife and second potential
child. That’s got to be a shit load of guilt, babe.’

‘I get that Brooke and I feel so selfish for it
being an issue for me, but it’s been four years, another four years isn’t going
to wake her up, another forty years isn’t. He has to get to the stage where he
forgives himself and lets her go, putting him, her and her parents out of this
daily torture. I really believe in marriage, it’s so important to me. Do I really
want to start a relationship with someone knowing that it’s potentially never
going to happen? I mean it’s not like I want him to propose and we get married
tomorrow, we’re in early days, but I need to know it’s a possibility for the
future.’

‘You wouldn’t know it was a possibility even if he
didn’t have all that baggage, babe. Look at you and Zac, you were living
together and engaged and it was never going to happen, you just didn’t know
it.’

‘Zac, thanks for the reminder,’ I sighed. Thank
God the emails from Zac had dried up when I didn’t reply to them and I’d not
seen or heard from him. So much for me being the love of his life and him
wanting to do whatever it took to keep me. No wonder I still had trust and
separation issues.

‘You’re a people person, Ellie. You’re not good on
your own, you need someone to love and people to love you back to make up for
the loss in your life. There’s nothing wrong with that. Is Dan that man?’

‘I think so. I’m in love, deep, painful, don’t
want to leave, love.’

‘So thrash it out, take some time apart to
reassess and then you both make a decision. For what it’s worth I don’t think
you’ll be happy seeing him every now and again
and
playing second fiddle
to another woman, who has him all tied up in emotional knots.’

‘Enough about me. How are you? Is everything ok?
Can’t wait to see you again.’

‘I’m great, we’re great babe. My longest
relationship yet. I actually think she may be the love of my life.’

‘Well I knew that, just from looking at you
together,’ I smiled. ‘I’ve never seen you so happy, it’s love for me too, I feel
like I got a new best friend.’

‘
Another
best friend,’ she gasped. ‘I may
love her but I’ll be damned if she replaces me as your bestie.’

‘Never, you’ll always be number one in my heart.’
I screamed as I heard a growl behind me and snapped my head around to see Dan
standing at the foot of the bed with an angry look on his face. I ignored
Brooke yammering in my ear as my heart raced.

‘You’re on the phone to that arsehole? You’re
still seeing him?’ he bit.

‘Shit Brooke, Dan just walked in and I think he’s
got the wrong end of the stick with our conversation. I’d better go ok?’

‘Complex,’ she sighed. ‘You scared me to death
screaming like that. Ring me tomorrow after work and we’ll sort out plans for
going out Saturday, if you’re not spending it with him.’

‘Will do, love you, miss you.’

‘You too, babe.’ She blew me a kiss down the phone
and hung up, as did I and turned to face Dan, but he’d disappeared. I found him
pacing in the lounge.

‘You scared me sneaking up like that,’ I scolded.

‘I’ve been ringing your damn mobile and you didn’t
answer, so I tried the room and you’ve been engaged for over an hour and a
half. I just walked in to hear you talking.’

‘About you, to Brooke.’

‘I heard you say Zac’s name and that you were in
love with him still,’ he scowled.

‘No. I told her not to remind me of the disaster
of Zac and she asked if I felt stronger about you than him. It was you I was
talking about. Maybe you can put yourself in my shoes now if you’re jealous of
my ex.’

‘You were seriously talking about me for nearly
two bloody hours?’

‘You’re a complex man and my feelings for you are
… complex as well. Are you ok?’

‘I’m fine,’ he sighed, as he raked his hand
through his hair. ‘I’m sorry, I’m a jealous fucked up guy and you deserve
better.’

‘Dan,’ I sighed and walked over to him, placing my
hands on his chest and I kissed him. ‘Your life’s complicated, I get that. No
one’s saying this is going to be easy, which is why we need to try and talk
about us without arguing. Have you eaten? Maybe you should eat and we can talk
then.’

‘We need to leave now,’ he advised, as he lifted
his hand and tucked my hair behind my ear as he placed the other one on my
backside, pressing my body against his, against another solid erection. He was
a machine. ‘I was trying to call to tell you that I have to fly to San
Francisco tonight, some crisis with one of my new code programs. Dean is
waiting with the helicopter to fly us back to London, and I’ll catch my plane
there.’

‘You’re leaving tonight?’ I tried not to let the
disappointment on my face show.

‘I’ll drop you home, then yes I need to go. You
need to pack quickly for me.’

‘What about you, don’t you need to pack?’

‘No. I’ll take my case from here, but I have a
fully stocked wardrobe in my house in California. God, I wish we didn’t have to
leave now, you look so damn hot.’

‘I’m in jeans and a t-shirt,’ I laughed.

‘Still fucking hot. Pack, before I undress you,’
he sighed as he clasped my face and kissed me properly. ‘I’m sorry about my
reaction this morning, this is hard for me, but we’ll talk on the flight.’

‘Ok,’ I nodded, feeling like I was drowning in his
beautiful eyes. I tore myself away and quickly packed, before I wheeled my case
out to the lounge to see him sitting with one ankle up on his knee, his index
finger running over his lips with a serious look on his face. God he looked so sexy
whatever position he was in, or whatever emotion he was portraying. I had it so
bad for him. He carried my case for me and strapped me into the seat on the
helicopter and put my headphones on for me. He looked so deep in his thoughts
and blinked, surprised when I clasped his face and kissed him, stroking his
cheekbones as I smiled at him. I got a smile in return and another kiss before
he got in and we took off. ‘How long’s the flight?’

‘About three hours.’

‘Why didn’t you just get your plane to come up
here? By the time we get to London you could already be on your way to America.’

‘I wanted to make sure you got home safely, to
settle you in.’