186 Miles (12 page)

“Well,
she’s single now, so maybe you could give me her number?”  He smiled, but his
face was unreadable. 
Was he being serious?
  Ech.

“I’m
pretty sure even
you
wouldn’t want to fuck her.”  Jack’s tone was
clipped.  He took a long pull off of his bottle.

Jeremy
turned to us.  “Shots then, ladies?”

Elsa
smiled.  “When in Rome.”

“We’re
not
in
Rome, Els.” 
Stay away from him.  Stay away from him.

“Oh
come on, sissy.  It’s
one
shot.”

Jeremy
pounded his fist on the table.  “Yes!  At least one of you is not a fuckin’ nancy.”

Jeremy
and Elsa finished their shots… and two more rounds.  I turned to Jack.  “Hey,
can we go somewhere a little private?  I want to talk to you for a few
minutes.”

“Sure.” 
He stood.  “Hey guys, Rachel and I are going to step out front for a smoke real
quick.  We’ll be back.”

“Ah,
workin your way through the Conti brothers, are we, love?”  Jeremy looked up
and tipped his empty shot glass to me.

I
gave him a seething glare and headed towards the door.

“Watch
yourself, Robinson,” Jack defended.

When
we were settled on the steps, I fished a pack of cigarettes out of my pocket
and offered him one.  “Nah, I’m good.  I thought you were quitting.”

“I
am
.”  I smiled at him and flicked the lighter.

“Uh
huh.”

“That
guy’s a
dick
.”  I thumbed towards the door.

“I
know… but he has a steady gig and pays half the bills.”

“What
does he even
do
?”

Jack
smiled, readjusting his glasses.  “He’s a model.”

I
laughed aloud.  “Douche.”  I took a deep breath and started in.  “I wanted to
tell you that Vince and I… well, we’re
together
now.”

He
laughed.  “Uh, yeah, I know.”

What?

“Did
he
tell
you?”

“Honey. 
He packed up all of his shit and moved to a new state.  I didn’t think he moved
because he wanted a new
job
.  He could have gotten one of those here. 
I’m not a fucking genius, but I figure that if I’m gonna move 200 miles away,
I’m gonna do it for a good reason.”

“186.”

“What?”

“It’s
186 miles.”

“Whatever,
you know what I mean.”

“I’m
sorry we didn’t tell you.”

Jack
looked out at the street.  He chose his words carefully.  “You were
Ryan’s
girl. 
We knew that.  I talked to him a fucking hundred times about you.  I told him
to
back
off.  He understood that, but I don’t know.  Every weekend, he
would pack that bag even though I told him not to.”  He looked at me now. 
“Don’t get me wrong.  You’re a beautiful, sweet girl.  But… he wasn’t supposed
to fucking fall in love with you.”

How
did he know that Vince was in love with me?

“He’s
not…” I trailed off.

“Yeah,
he
is
.  Listen, I’ve known him my whole life.  He may
seem
impulsive, but he’s not.  We grew up here.  We’ve never even left the fucking
city
. 
We went to
college
here.  He’s never expressed any interest in moving
anywhere else
ever
.  And then one day, he just says ‘hey, I’m moving to
Indianapolis.  I got this great job.’  Fucking
seriously
?  He would
never even have applied for that job if it weren’t for you.”  He picked up a
rock and tossed it into the bush at the bottom of the steps.  “So, he’s
cooked.”

“I
love him.” 
God, why did I tell him that?  I hadn’t even told Vince.

“
He
know that?”

“No. 
I mean,
yes
, he
says
that he knows that I love him, but I’ve
never said it out loud.”

“Well,”
he said, “I suppose you better go home.”  He rubbed my back.  “Tell him.”

*

When
we got back inside, I commenced upon a very
drunk
Elsa pinned up against
the wall by a very
aggressive
Jeremy.  She had her hands on his chest,
pushing him.  “Get your hands off of my fucking sister.”  I grabbed her arm. 
She laughed nervously.

“It’s
cool, sissy,” she slurred.

“It’s
not cool, El.  Let’s go.”

“I
think I’m gonna be sick.”  With that, she ran to Jack’s bathroom, slamming the
heavy wood behind her.

Jeremy
sauntered into his room, barking out a short laugh before closing his door.

Jack
turned to me.  “You guys can stay here.  Just sleep in my room.”

“God,
I wish she would fucking get it together.  I just want to go back.”  I leaned
in, whispering, “I don’t
want
her here… with him.”

“Honestly,
he’ll probably be passed out in a half hour.  I’ll wait up and make sure she
gets to bed okay.  I’ll take the couch.”

I
sighed.  “Thanks, Jack.  And I’m sorry, you know, for
this
.”  I pointed
to the bathroom.  I could hear Elsa’s retching. 
Not cute.

“No
problem.  I did the same thing last night, so I feel her pain.”  He smiled. 
“If you want to wear anything other than
that
,” he said, pointing at my
dress, “there are t-shirts and sweats and stuff in the dresser.”

I
leaned in and gave him a kiss on the cheek.  “You’re sweet like your brother.”

“Hey.”

“Yeah?”

“He’s
sensitive.”

“Who,
Vince
?”

“No,
Jeremy
.”  He smiled.  “
Yes
, Vince.  Just be careful with him.  He
can’t survive you.”

I
nodded.  “I can’t survive
him
.”

Elsa
and I had planned to go to Pilates on Saturday.  Instead, Jack took us back to
Wicker Park in the morning and Elsa went back to bed.  I texted Vince.

           
Me
: 
Hi.  Miss me?

           
Vince
: 
So bored last night.  Went to the Wellington with Carrie and Rick.

           
Me
:
My Carrie and Rick?

           
Vince
: 
I know 3 people here.

           
Me
:
Right.  Have fun?

           
Vince
:
Thought about you.

           
Me
:
I can’t wait to come home.

           
Vince
:
Come home today then.

           
Me
:
I’ve got to see mom first.

           
Vince
:
Tell Elsa?

           
Me
:
And Jack.

           
Vince
:
What?

           
Me
:
Tell you tonight.  Coming home after I visit with her.

           
Vince
:
Be careful.  I love you.

           
Me
:
XOXO     

I
slid into bed next to Elsa and gave her a little squeeze.  “Els?”

“Uhhh,”
she moaned.  “Fuck off.”

I
laughed.  “Hey, I think I’m going to get dressed and go to see mom.”

She
rolled over and stared at me, her eyes streaked with mascara.  “
Yeah?
 Can
I come?”  She smiled.

“No.”

“Can
you at least videotape that shit?”

I
smiled.  “After that, I’m going back home.”

“
No!
 
We were supposed to do fun stuff tonight.”

“I
think I’ve had about all the fun I can handle.”  I rubbed her back.  “Speaking
of that, how could you make out with that fuckwad?”

“Eh,
I have a weakness for the Brits.  Plus, he looked like David Beckham.  I did it
for womankind.”  She sat up and gave me an awkward hug.  She smelled like a
mixture of stale beer and old vomit. 
Gross. 
“Good luck with mom, Rach.
 Stay strong and all that shit.”  She pulled at a long strand of my hair.  “I
really
do
like that haircut.”

She
lay back down and turned towards the wall, asleep in seconds.  I put my hand on
my little sister’s hip and gave her one last pat.  I would miss her.  We didn’t
see each other enough.

*

The
traffic was heavy; the trip to Naperville took longer than expected.  I took a
deep breath and walked up the steps of my childhood home.   I knocked on the
door, opening it after a few seconds.

“Mom?”

I
could hear her wedding ring gliding along the metal railing.  My dad had been
dead for over twenty years.  She never took it off.  Sarah Black was nothing if
not a complex woman.  “My goodness, it’s really you.”

“Yep,
it’s me.”

We
hugged briefly.  “Come in here,” she said, gesturing towards the kitchen.  I
could smell coffee and stale smoke.  “Sit, peanut.  How is my baby?”  She
paused.  “You cut your hair off.  You should grow it back out.  This short cut
makes you look a little heavier.”

Thanks,
Mom.

“Okay. 
No, I’m good, Mama.  I’ve just been busy… you know, work and stuff.”

She
pulled a cigarette out of her pack, tapping the end of it on the table twice
before placing it in her mouth and lighting it.  It was something I’d seen her
do a thousand times. 

“And
you’re healing.  That keeps a woman’s mind occupied.”  She drummed her long acrylic
fingernails.  “I should know.  When your father died, I never thought I was
going to make it.  Some days, I still don’t know.  I was only a little older
than you are now.”  She crossed herself.  “God just needed him more than we
did.”

I
rolled my eyes.  “Mom…“

She
cut me off.  “You’re my daughter and you
respect
me in here.  You roll
those eyes again, you can see yourself home.”

Fuck. 
This conversation was going to be worse than I thought.

“I’ve
got to talk to you about something.” 
There.  Better to just rip the bandage
off.

She
straightened her blouse and placed her free hand flat on the table.  “Now…
what’s going on?”

“I…” 
This was going to be
way
worse.  “I met someone.”

The
wheels were turning.  She knew what I meant.  “What do you mean,
met
someone?”

“I
mean I
met
someone, Mama.  You
know
what that means.”

She
looked down at the old formica tabletop, tapping her cigarette into the glass
ashtray.  “Mmm, hmm.  Well, Rachel, I can see that these last few months have
been
productive
for you.  I’m glad to see you are moving
right
along.  No rest for the wicked.” 

Ouch. 
She was upset.

“I’m
not ‘moving right along.’  That’s mean and you know it.  I met someone and he’s
great.  I came today to tell you about it because I thought it was the right
thing to do.  That’s all.”  I crossed my arms over my chest.  I was acting
petulant, but I didn’t care.

“When
my
Ray died, I never looked at a man again.”  Her lips pursed. 
Was
she fucking serious?

“Well,
Mom, I guess that makes me a sinner.”  I threw my hands up and feigned a
Southern accent.  “Please, Lord, forgive me and my wicked ways!”

“Out.” 
She pointed to the front door.  “Get out of my house.  You are not welcome back
here.”

“Mom…”

“I
mean it.  If your father could see you…”  She shook her head.

“He
can’t.”  I paused.  “Even if he could, he would be happy to know that someone
cares about me.  That
someone
loves me.”

“Oh,
for Pete’s sake, Rachel.  This man doesn’t
love
you, whoever he is.  He
is preying on a weak woman who is in mourning.  This man is a
vulture
.”

That
was my cue.

I
stood and slung my handbag around my shoulder.  “Thank you for having me.  I have
to go.”

She
stood.  “I’ll pray for you.”

I
turned before she could see the first tear drop from my eye. 
Fuck
her.

*

It
was the longest four hour drive in the history of man.  I needed to be home. 
Vince was working today, but I hoped he would be home by now.  It was a little
after 4 pm.

I
couldn’t put the key in the lock fast enough.  “Vince?”

Vince
came out of the den, smiling widely.  “There’s my girl.”

I
ran to him, pressing my chest against his.  Wrapping my arms around his neck, I
stood on the balls of my feet and pressed my mouth to the bottom of his throat. 
“I love you.”

He
stilled and pulled me back, studying my face.  “Whoa, what?”

“I
love
you.”  I glued my eyes to his.

He
splayed his hands on my back and pulled me close, bending to kiss me.  He raked
his tongue across my upper lip and tugged on it with his teeth.  “What happened
in Chicago, honey?”

I
pulled back.  “What do you mean?”

“You’re
obviously upset.  Although I’ve been dying to hear you say those words, I wish
you would’ve said them when you haven’t been crying.”

Oh
God.
 
I
really needed to buy waterproof mascara.
  My hands flew to my face, trying
to wipe away any evidence of my earlier breakdown in the car.

“Talk
to me, Ray.”

“Nothing,
it’s just my mom.”

“Okay…
what’d she say?”

“Basically
that I was an abomination to the sanctity of marriage.  That kind of thing. 
She was terrible, even worse than normal.  Ever since our dad died, she’s just…
I don’t know… been
different
to us.  Like his cancer was
our
fault.”

He
rubbed my back and sat me down on the loveseat, placing my legs in his lap.  He
glided his fingers across my calves. 
Ugh.  Forgot to shave today.

“She
called you a vulture.”  I smiled up at him.  “Said that you were preying on my
weakness.”

“Wow. 
Harsh.”  He brushed his lips against mine.

“Yeah.” 
I shifted my legs and straddled his lap.  I ran my fingers through his messy
hair, grinding my hips into his.

“Hey,”
he murmured.  “Do you want to
talk
?”

“Do
you
?”

He
answered by pulling the hem of my dress and tugging upward.

He
took his time with me. 

He
touched me
everywhere
.

He
kissed
every
inch.

He
whispered
everything
.

I
arched my back and closed my eyes, hoping it would never end, needing to wash
this day away.

*

Vince
and I spent Sunday morning in bed.

“So,
tell me more about Chicago.  What did Jack say?”

I
faced him, tracing down the center of his chest with my fingertips.  “He said
he knew.”

He
smiled.  “He asked me before I left.  I didn’t say anything, but it was pretty
obvious, I guess.  He wasn’t upset, right?”

“Oh,
no, not really.  I think he was a little disappointed that you didn’t heed his
warnings about staying away from me and my vixen ways…”  Now I was the one
smiling.  “He said that he didn’t want you to fall in love with me… because I
was Ryan’s.”

I
felt his stomach tense.  “I wish it wasn’t like this.  I wish that I had just
met you at some stupid party and that you were never married.”  He touched my
cheek and leaned in, gently pressing his lips to mine.  “I don’t want this to
be complicated for you.”

“I
know.  Me too.”  I thought about what my mother had said.  She
never
recovered from my father.  Looking down at my own ring still decorating my left
hand, I wondered when I might be ready to say goodbye. 

To
put it in a drawer. 

To
end that chapter of my life with Ryan. 

To
move on with Vince.

I
raked my hand lightly through his thick hair.  “You need a haircut, sir.”

“I
know.  I just never get around to it.”  He paused.  “You alright?  You just
looked a little serious business there for a minute.”

I
moved closer, our faces only a few inches apart.  Vince wrapped his arm around
my waist.  “Does it bother you that I wear a wedding ring?”

“No. 
I guess it might if we were talking about getting married, but I know you’re
not ready for that.”

“You’re
not either.  We just
started
this.” 

“Honey,
I would go downtown and get a license tomorrow if
you
would.  But I am
trying not to scare the shit out of you.”  He smiled.  “So I’ll wait until you decide
to put it away. 
Then
I’ll ask.  Hopefully, you’ll say yes.”  He tucked
a piece of hair behind my ear.