150 Movies You Should See Before You Die (2 page)

If you ask a film buff to name five bad movies, at least one of the following is likely to be on his or her list. Some are “so bad they're good,” while others are, well, just plain bad.

PRODUCERS
Jonathan D. Krane, Ellie Samaha, and John Travolta

WRITERS
Corey Mandell and J. D. Shapiro (based on a novel by L. Ron Hubbard)

DIRECTOR
Roger Christian

STARS
John Travolta (
Terl
), Barry Pepper (
Jonnie Goodboy Tyler
), and Forest Whitaker (
Ker
)

For 1,000 years, the monstrous aliens known as Psychlos have ruled Earth, plundering its natural resources and slowly driving humanity ever closer to extinction. Now, the arrogance and greed of embittered Psychlo security chief Terl (Travolta) and the unbreakable spirit of a young man named Jonnie Goodboy Tyler (Pepper) will clash and give humanity one last chance for survival. It's the Final Battle, and one species will live while another will die.

Why It Sucks

Battlefield Earth
is very much like the L. Ron Hubbard novel it's based on. It's
waaaay
too long, and the longer it drags on, the more ridiculous it becomes. The only way to get through this film is to park your brain at the door, because the story starts out silly and by the time the climactic battle rolls around it's galloped all the way into drooling blather. Even the battle scenes can't help the movie get over trying to stretch 70 minutes of moderate excitement into 120 minutes. And the whole thing is punctuated by bad special-effect shots, characters running about aimlessly, and John Travolta in dreadlocks.

Thumbs Down Rating:

The Crappies

The Worst Acting Award goes to…
John Travolta, for the bizarre, pseudo-British, ever-shifting accent that poses a serious challenge to Madonna in the Worst Fake Accent Ever competition. (Is this what Psychlos sound like in English?)

And the Worst Writing Logic Award goes to …
Corey Mandell and J. D. Shapiro, with a nod to L. Ron Hubbard for the original novel. The U.S. Army base at Fort Hood has flight simulators and Harrier fighter planes that after 1,000 years of disuse are functioning and filled with useable fuel? Uh huh.

They Really Said It!

Terl
: Kill all man-animals!

Betcha Didn't Know

The film was intended to be the first of two, but plans for the sequel were scrapped following its poor performance.

Battlefield Earth
was reported to have cost $73 million to make, but only grossed some $22 million at the U.S. box office. In truth, the film only cost $44 million, but production company Franchise Pictures inflated the budget in an attempt to defraud investors. They were successfully sued, ordered to pay $121 million in damages, and went bankrupt.

Trivia Quiz

What tagline was often used during the movie's promotion?

A: It's the Year 3000 and Humans Are the Endangered Species.

B: From the Mind of Sci-Fi Legend L. Ron Hubbard

C: Go for the Gold on Battlefield Earth!

D: Prepare to Go Psychlo

Answer: D. Prepare to Go Psychlo. (Other taglines for the film were “Prepare for Battle” and “Take Back the Planet.”)

PRODUCER
Edward D. Wood Jr.

WRITER
Edward D. Wood Jr.

DIRECTOR
Edward D. Wood Jr.

STARS
Bela Lugosi (
Dr. Eric Vornoff
), Loretta King (
Janet Lawton
), Tor Johnson (
Lobo
), Tony McCoy (
Lt. Dick Craig
), Harvey B. Dunn (
Capt. Tom
Robbins
), Paul Marco (
Officer Kelton),
and George Becwar (
Prof. Vladimir
Strowski
)

A mad scientist (Lugosi) captures those who venture too close to his dilapidated house and subjects them to weird experiments intended to create a new race of radioactive supermen. When he captures a nosy female tabloid reporter (King), can it be long before his simpleminded assistant (Johnson) falls in love with her?

Why It Sucks

Ed Wood is sometimes characterized as the worst director who ever lived, and
Bride of the Monster
is the quintessential Ed Wood movie. It's full of strange characters badly acted, situations that are minimally explained, sets that are shoddily made … almost everything about it is supremely dreadful. The film reaches its nadir when Bela Lugosi is turned into an atomic monster via the use of platform shoes (yes, you read that correctly). (Tor Johnson looks sort of like Shrek, but Wood couldn't help that.)

Thumbs Down Rating:

The Crappies

The Weirdest Character Award goes to …
The bird-loving police captain Harvey Dunn, who is more interested in discussing his pet exotic birds than the murders and missing-person cases.

And the Lamest Prop Award goes to …
The atomic-monstermaking contraption in Dr. Vornoff's lab, key components of which are darkroom equipment and the metal salad bowl worn on the head of those subjected to Dr. Vornoff's evil experiments.

They Really Said It!

Janet
: When did I tell you my name?

Dr. Vornoff
: You didn't. But since you were unconscious, I took the liberty of looking into your purse.

Betcha Didn't Know

This was Edward D. Wood Jr.'s only financially successful film.

Wood Jr. vowed
Bride of the Monster
would return Bela Lugosi to the star status he had lost as a result of bad career choices and drug abuse. It was perhaps a blessing in disguise that Lugosi passed away less than a year after the film's release.

Trivia Quiz

In what movie did Bela Lugosi play God (literally)?

A:
The Ten Commandments
(1956)

B:
His Girl Friday
(1940)

C:
Glen or Glenda?
(1953)

D:
The Devil Bat
(1940)