1,001 Facts That Will Scare the S#*t Out of You: The Ultimate Bathroom Reader (39 page)

“Erectile Dysfunction,” Mayo Clinic,
www.mayoclinic.com
.

271

FACT :
High heels are blamed by orthopedists for chronic back problems and postural difficulties. Wearing high-heel shoes regularly causes the tendon in the leg to shrink, making it painful to wear flat shoes. Some even blame
high heels for problems with the internal organs in the abdomen
, since the distortion of posture pushes the pelvic region out of normal alignment.
But they’re so comfortable.

Robin Tolmach Lakoff and Raquel L. Scherr, Face Value, the Politics of Beauty: The Politics of Beauty (Routledge, 1984).

272

FACT :
Never share mascara, as this is the most common way that
people pass on eye infections like conjunctivitis
(pinkeye), which is highly contagious.
I hope
The Cure’s
Robert Smith is reading this.

Stephen W. Moore, H. Winter Griffith, and Kenneth Yoder, Complete Guide To Symptoms, Illness & Surgery (Perigee, 2006).

273

FACT :
Up to
8 percent of American adults
suffer from toenail fungus.
Up to 100 percent of American adults suffer from the urge to hork when they see the commercial where the little cartoon fungus creature lifts up a toenail and climbs under it.

”Impact 07—Dermatology,” Bay Bio, 2007,
www.baybio.org
.

274

FACT :
A sneeze expels germ-filled droplets
up to thirty feet
. The water content of the droplets evaporates quickly, but thousands of virus cells remain suspended in the air and can infect others.
This is why I like to sneeze in people’s hair. No germs are suspended in the air, plus it’s fun to watch the reactions, especially from strangers.

Jana Balaram, Preventive and Social Medicine (B. Jain Publishers, 2002).

275

FACT :
If you wear a ring, the number of germs living beneath it could be as high as
the entire population of Europe
.
The smell is probably just as bad, too.

“Kitchen Habits Causing Food Poisoning Peril,” FoodLink Press notice, Food and Drink Federation, June 12, 2006,
www.fdf.org.uk
.

276

FACT :
The Centers for Disease Control ranked the United States 29th in the world
in infant mortality for 2004
. The United States fell from 12th in 1960 to 23rd in 1990, and is currently tied with Poland and Slovakia for infant mortality.
Yes, but we kick their asses in soccer, so it evens out.

Kim Krisberg, “U.S. Lagging Behind Many Other Nations on Infant Mortality Rates: Healthy Behavior, Healthier Babies,” The Nation’s Health, American Public Health Association, February 2009,
www.apha.org
.

277

FACT : The infant mortality rate in America
in 2005 was 13.68 deaths per 1,000 live births among blacks, 8.06 among American Indians and Alaska natives, 8.3 among Puerto Ricans, and 5.76 among whites.
I bet being .68 dead hurts. I think I’d rather just be fully dead.

Kim Krisberg, “U.S. Lagging Behind Many Other Nations on Infant Mortality Rates: Healthy Behavior, Healthier Babies,” The Nation’s Health, American Public Health Association, February 2009,
www.apha.org
.

278

FACT :
The March of Dimes released the inaugural Premature Birth Report Card in November 2008,
giving the United States a D
. The study states that the leading cause of death in an infant’s first month is preterm birth (prior to thirty-seven weeks).
So when people say they are proud to be an American, what they really mean is that they’re just glad to be alive at all.

Kim Krisberg, “U.S. Lagging Behind Many Other Nations on Infant Mortality Rates: Healthy Behavior, Healthier Babies,” The Nation’s Health, American Public Health Association, February 2009,
www.apha.org
.