1,001 Facts That Will Scare the S#*t Out of You: The Ultimate Bathroom Reader (37 page)

253

FACT :
Humans develop schistosomiasis after contact with water containing snails infected by human waste.
Snail larvae infiltrate the body and grow into adult worms
up to half an inch long. They live in the bloodstream and can cause inflammation, organ enlargement, intestinal bleeding, bladder cancer, and death.
I’ll take death. Thanks.

Coco Ballantyne, “Worms ‘N Us: A Look at 8 Parasitic Worms That Live in Humans,” Scientific American, February 5, 2009,
www.sciam.com
.

254

FACT :
Approximately half the world’s population is infected with
large roundworms, hookworms, or whipworms
. A Columbia University parasitologist calls them the “unholy trinity.”
I prefer to think of them as the intestinal worm version of the Marx brothers: Groucho (roundworm), Harpo (hookworm), and Chico (whipworm). The tapeworm, a less common intestinal parasite, is Zeppo, who didn’t always appear with the other three.

Coco Ballantyne, “Worms ‘N Us: A Look at 8 Parasitic Worms That Live in Humans,” Scientific American, February 5, 2009,
www.sciam.com
.

255

FACT :
Hookworms attack the lungs, where their larvae cause coughing and shortness of breath, and the small intestine, where
they suck blood from the intestinal walls
and cause abdominal pain and anemia.
Nothing that a pack or two of unfiltered Kools can’t fix.

Coco Ballantyne, “Worms ‘N Us: A Look at 8 Parasitic Worms That Live in Humans,” Scientific American, February 5, 2009,
www.sciam.com
.

256

FACT :
Approximately
740 million people worldwide
are plagued with hookworm, according to the World Health Organization.
They’re the pale ones coughing up larva and bent double with stomach pain.

Coco Ballantyne, “Worms ‘N Us: A Look at 8 Parasitic Worms That Live in Humans,” Scientific American, February 5, 2009,
www.sciam.com
.

257

FACT :
Ascariasis is the most common worm-related infection found in humans. Symptoms such as fever, shortness of breath, and wheezing result from roundworm larvae infesting the lungs. The larvae then migrate to the intestines, where
they grow to resemble foot-long earthworms
.
Once again, I will take death over a foot-long earthworm in my ass, thanks.

Coco Ballantyne, “Worms ‘N Us: A Look at 8 Parasitic Worms That Live in Humans,” Scientific American, February 5, 2009,
www.sciam.com
.

258

FACT :
Ascariasis affects as many as
1.5 billion people worldwide
, causing 60,000 deaths per year.
The ones who don’t die always have bait at the ready if they want to fish.

Coco Ballantyne, “Worms ‘N Us: A Look at 8 Parasitic Worms That Live in Humans,” Scientific American, February 5, 2009,
www.sciam.com
.

259

FACT :
About 800 million people worldwide are infected with whipworm, which can cause diarrhea, weight loss, and anemia. In severe instances rectal prolapse can occur,
in which the walls of the rectum protrude from the anus
.
You might know rectal prolapse by its colorful street name: ass tulip.

Coco Ballantyne, “Worms ‘N Us: A Look at 8 Parasitic Worms That Live in Humans,” Scientific American, February 5, 2009,
www.sciam.com
.

260

FACT :
Unlike most parasitic worms that inhabit the intestines, lymphatic filariae live in the body’s lymph system, where they can cause swelling of the legs, arms, breasts, and, in men especially, the genitalia. More than
120 million people worldwide
are infected, a third of them disfigured by the condition.
No man I know would object to enlarged genitalia.

Coco Ballantyne, “Worms ‘N Us: A Look at 8 Parasitic Worms That Live in Humans,” Scientific American, February 5, 2009,
www.sciam.com
.

261

FACT :
Every time your heart beats,
it pumps a quarter of your blood to the head
. Brain cells then process 20 percent of the oxygen and food your blood contains. Conditions that disrupt circulation, such as heart disease, diabetes, and stroke appear to increase the chances of developing dementia and Alzheimer’s disease.
It’s like getting free sprinkles on your sundae. Except it’s a shit sundae, and the sprinkles are maggots.