0215543001348293036 vaughn piper oshea m.j. (17 page)

“He likes you, Rues. I’d say it’s even more, but I don’t want to cause you two any drama.”

“You aren’t going to leave me with just that, are you?” I desperately wanted to hear.

Dusty gave me a strange look. “You’re falling for him, aren’t you?”

“What? No!”
Maybe.

He smiled sadly. “Well, if you change your mind… just don’t hurt him, Rue. He really—”

“What, Dust?”

“I don’t think he’d have said no to that question.” I didn’t know how to reply. Instead I got out my kit and made a show out of organizing my combs and scissors.
Oh, Erik….

THE next Monday, we were at my apartment. Dusty had come over for a while after class to hang out before he headed off to his shift at The Bean. It had been a bit forced, but things seemed finally to be on a path back to normal. I was relieved. I wished I could say that about Erik and me as well. There was a tension there that hadn’t been there before.

Maybe I was making the whole dumb thing up in my head, but there were these moments that were charged, like we’d look at each other and it was so different than it had been—then Erik would do something goofy, or say something about
Star Trek
, and the moment would disappear like it had never been there in the first place.

It was so. Damn. Frustrating.

Things between him and me were the least awkward when we focused on Alice. If she was between us on the floor, giggling with her little baby laugh while we tickled her or dangled toys for her to bat at,

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then it was all fine. We could laugh and joke, and those odd moments were no longer hanging between us. Of course we couldn’t always pay attention to Alice. And that was the problem.

Erik and I were eating dinner and making small talk. It seemed to come easier for him than it had originally, despite the random moments of awkwardness that cropped up. He was telling me he’d finally started to edit his old book and convert it to romance with the help of some very thorough research (and I couldn’t decide if that made me want to laugh or made me hot as hell). I’d made us another bowl of pasta that I mixed with a jar of pesto I’d gotten at the market. I threw together a salad and heated up some green beans. He looked at the table full of green and then looked at me like I’d betrayed him.

I had to chuckle at that. “Try the pesto. You’ll like it. It tastes like pizza.”

“I guess so. The last time you made pasta it was pretty good.” Erik took a cautious bite. “Oh, I do like this.”

“Told you.”

He smiled at me then. A totally not awkward, gorgeous grin that made me smile back. I couldn’t help it.

We finished dinner and got to the serious business of feeding Alice. She managed to get most of the formula into her mouth instead of all over Erik and me. I was happy… until she batted at the bottle and it splattered all over the floor. I was smart enough to have another ready. (I knew my daughter well.) When I went to put it on her little tray so I could wipe her face up, she looked right at me and giggled.

Then she batted at my hair and cried:

“Da-da!”

Oh. My. God.

I looked at Erik in awe. He was grinning hugely at me. I bounced around the table, jumping like a moron. I was so thrilled. Sure, it was probably just baby babble, but it sounded like she’d called me dad! I launched myself into Erik’s arms, laughing and smiling. He was smiling too, and had his arms wrapped around my waist in a tight hug.

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It felt wonderful. I could smell him, that crazy-good, fresh smell that drove me absolutely nuts, and his strong arms lifted me and spun me around in dizzy circles. I think I might have lost it for a moment.

Whatever high I was floating on just made me
act
. I didn’t even think before I laid an enthusiastic kiss on his lips. Yeah, I said lips. My first instinct when I was happy was to kiss him, to be as close as I possibly could. So I leaned up and brushed my mouth across his—

once, twice, three times, before I dragged him down for more. Our mouths were pressed together for a good five seconds before I realized what I’d done.

I jumped back and looked at Erik, waiting to see horror dawning in his eyes. My stomach twisted in embarrassment, and my insides bloomed with warmth from his proximity.

“I’m so sorry, Erik.”

I didn’t know what else to say.

Erik

IT HAPPENED so fast I didn’t have time to react before it was over.

But the memory of that kiss, my first ever, was like a brand on my skin.

I lifted my fingers to touch my mouth, blinking in amazement. My lips literally burned. I wondered if that was normal or if it was just the shock. I hadn’t been prepared for it, hadn’t expected it, but all I wanted to do was pull Rue back in and try it again. Just looking at him, I knew it wasn’t going to happen. He was apologizing, and he looked so terrified, as if he was afraid of my reaction.

I wanted to reassure him, tell him there was no reason to be sorry.

He could do it again, any time he wanted. But before I could say any of that, Rue turned away and started collecting the dirty dishes on the table. For a moment I wished I was someone else, someone confident and experienced, who would know what to do in situations like these. I wanted to grab Rue’s shoulders and turn him to face me. I wanted to

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put my mouth on his and try some of the things I’d been dreaming about for weeks, kiss him until he was all I could taste and neither of us could breathe. But he’d already taken the dishes to the kitchen sink and started washing them, and I knew whatever chance I had was gone.

Not knowing what else to do, I lifted Alice from her highchair and held her while she finished the rest of her bottle. When she was done, I put her up to my shoulder and did my normal bouncy walk as I patted her back. She released a wet-sounding belch right next to my ear, and I felt something warm seep through the material of my T-shirt.

Spit up. Great.

I snagged a few paper towels from the counter and cleaned us both up. Alice smiled sweetly at me while I strapped her into her rocker, and even though my shoulder smelled like sour milk, I couldn’t help smiling back. In the past, something like that would have had me running for the nearest shower. Right then, I was content to dangle one of her toys in front of her so she could swing at it with uncoordinated fists.

“Who’s that pretty baby?” I murmured. Alice gurgled happily.

After a few minutes, I started to feel awkward. Rue still hadn’t come out of the kitchen. Was he upset with me? Had I done something I shouldn’t have? It’d been such an exciting moment, and when he’d flung himself into my arms, I’d reacted on instinct, hugging him close and swinging him around like were a couple of overenthusiastic kids.

But maybe it wasn’t about that. Maybe he regretted kissing me. The thought made my stomach clench. What if that was it? What if he’d expected me to know what to do and he was disappointed that I hadn’t responded properly?

Should I tell him I’d never kissed anyone before?
My cheeks warmed, and I shook my head at myself.
No. You should just go.

I leaned forward and pressed a kiss to Alice’s velvety cheek. “G-good night, baby girl.” I debated going into the kitchen for a moment but quickly decided against it. “Bye, Rue,” I called. “Alice is in her rocker.”

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The sound of running water stopped. “Okay, thanks,” Rue replied, his voice muffled by the distance that separated us. He didn’t come to the doorway to look at me. “Night, Erik.”

My shoulders slumped a little. I didn’t understand. Why did it feel like I kept getting things wrong?

I was turning to leave when I noticed Rue’s cell phone vibrating on the coffee table. I wasn’t close enough to see who was calling, but I figured I should probably let him know in case it was Dusty. “Rue, your phone is r-ringing.”

“You can answer it if you want. My hands are still wet.” I rushed to snatch it from the table before it stopped buzzing and flipped it open without bothering to check the screen first. “Hello?”

“Hey, sexy. It’s been a while. Did you miss me?” I blinked, and for a moment my tongue felt too heavy for me to speak. I didn’t know who was calling, but it definitely wasn’t Dusty.

This voice was deeper and had a suggestive quality that immediately put me on edge.

“Rue? You there?”

Finally, I managed to unstick my tongue from the roof of my mouth and get it moving. “Uh, th-this isn’t Rue.” There was a soft laugh. “
Ahh
, Rue didn’t tell me he was sneaking around behind my back. Naughty boy.” He laughed again. “Just fuckin’

with ya, dude. Is he around? Tell him it’s Chad.”
Chad.
The name seemed to echo in my ears. Chad, the same guy who’d called the night of my haircut. I still didn’t know what he was to Rue. Were they together? I’d never even heard Rue mention him before that day.

“Erik?”

I heard Rue’s voice behind me and realized I was just standing there with the phone pressed to my ear.

I turned and shoved it into his hands. “S-sorry. It’s Ch-Chad.”

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Before Rue could say anything or I could embarrass myself even more, I left the apartment. I didn’t want to listen to him talk to Chad.

Was Chad his boyfriend? Had Rue ever kissed him the way he had me?

Of course, I didn’t have any answers when I flopped down onto my bed a few minutes later, but the very idea of Rue kissing someone else twisted my stomach into knots. I couldn’t get the memory of that kiss out of my head. If I closed my eyes, I could still feel his mouth brushing over mine. Just the thought of it made my head spin and my lips tingle. But then I remembered Chad. Rue was probably still talking to him. He probably wasn’t even thinking about me anymore. I shouldn’t have been thinking about
him
either. I should’ve been writing, or at the very least doing some more research on one of the positions I was curious about. I thought it might make for a good scene in my book if I could just work out all of the logistics and get the characters to cooperate. But I knew thinking about that would only make me feel worse. Whenever I thought about sex, Rue was never far behind.

Unbidden, the memory of Rue’s face in that moment when Alice had said “da-da” popped into my head. He’d looked so amazed, so happy. One day I wanted him to smile like that because of me.

I sighed and grabbed one of my pillows, pulling it over my face and groaning into the fabric. There was no help for it. Every other thought in my mind paled in comparison to Rue, to that tiny little kiss, even as brief as it had been. I wanted to do it again.

Again and again.

I wanted to do it until Rue couldn’t see or think about anything but me.

IF I thought I was confused that night, three weeks later I was totally lost. Rue was acting strangely. He didn’t tease or joke with me anymore. He’d asked me by for dinner a few times, but only when Dusty was there too. When he came to pick Alice up, he showed up on

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time, which was somewhat rare for him, and never lingered longer than necessary. He was… distant.

I was a bit surprised I could tell. I’d never had an easy time reading people in the past. I could recognize outright anger or joy or grief, but the more subtle emotions were hard for me. With Rue, however, I knew there was something weird going on. He avoided my eyes when I looked at him. He avoided being alone with me. It hurt. So I did the only thing I could—I pretended everything was normal, that the night of the kiss had never happened, that I wasn’t constantly wishing I could do it again, or wondering who Chad was and what they meant to each other, or wishing Rue would just
talk
to me so I could understand.

It worked for a while. Until the day that something in me just broke, and I knew I couldn’t deal with the weirdness between us anymore. I had to get him to talk to me. I missed him. To go from being so close, seeing him every day, hanging out with him and Dusty a few times a week, to barely speaking? I needed to know
why
. I was lonely without him in a way I never had been before.

When he came by to pick up Alice that day, I put my hand on the door to stop him from leaving.

“What are you doing, Erik?” he asked without looking at me.

I decided there wasn’t any point in wasting time. There was only one thing I wanted to know. “Wh-why are you acting like this?” Rue shifted, moving Alice to his other hip. “I don’t know what you mean.”

“Y-you’re acting strange. You w-won’t look at me. Why?”

“You’re imagining things,” Rue said dismissively. “I’ve just been a little stressed out lately. Work, school, it’s all kind of hard to deal with sometimes.”

“Who is Chad?” I hadn’t meant to ask, wasn’t even really sure I wanted to know in case I didn’t like what the answer was, but the question flew out before I could stop it.

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Rue’s eyes met mine for the briefest second. I’d obviously surprised him. “He’s just a friend.”

“But—”

“Look, Erik, I’m tired. I want to go home and make some dinner and go to bed. I’ll see you in the morning, okay?” Disappointed, I dropped my arm and stepped back so he could open the door. “O-okay.”

Rue left without another word, and for a long time I just stood there. He’d lied. Or at least he hadn’t told me the whole truth. Maybe Chad really
was
just a friend. Maybe Rue really
was
stressed and tired.