You're a Horrible Person, But I Like You: The Believer Book of Advice (9 page)

Love,
Daniel Handler

Todd Hanson

Dear Todd:

We generally refer to tissues as Kleenex and gelatin as Jell-O. I know there’s a name for this. Is it synecdoche?

An English professor with too much time on his hands
New Haven, CT

Dear English professor with too much time on his hands:
What a fascinating question! As a matter of fact, the—hey, wait a minute … I just put two and two together here and am beginning to smell a great big rat! If you are (as you claim) an English professor, that means you are one of that rarefied strata of the intelligentsia who have access to buildings called “libraries,” containing books known as “dictionaries.” If so, you would have easily been able to sneak in and look up the definition of “synecdoche” yourself during the ample free time you claim to have on your hands.

If not, however, then you obviously don’t (as, again, you claim) actually have too much time on your hands after all! Either way, you are revealed as a liar, right here in front of the entire readership of
The Believer
, all of whom, ironically, are now filled with
disbelief
.

By the way, that part of the second sentence? Where I likened the solution of a math problem to the detection of an odor? That’s called a mixed metaphor. Look it up, Socrates!

Todd

…

Dear Todd:

I don’t care about politics. I really just care about everyone shutting the hell up. Does that make me a douche?

Hallie
San Francisco, CA

Dear Hallie:

Considering that a healthy democracy depends on an informed and involved populace, yes, technically, that does make you a douche. But god bless you for being an honest douche!

Considering all the not-shutting-the-hell-up involved in the last presidential election—which began more than two and a half years before the election itself, and of which only approximately 2 percent was remotely relevant to said election (the parts that happened in the last two weeks or so before November 4)—I think the sentiment of wanting everybody to shut the hell up is something anybody, including me, can relate to in a big way.

So let me doff my hat to you, Hallie! You are the only one with the courage to say what we all are feeling!

But again, yes, technically you’re a douche.

Todd

…

Dear Todd:

I’ve been thinking it over a lot. Astronauts have become much less popular in recent years, and I’m guessing they figured this would happen from the get-go, because, in hindsight, how could you not? Anyways, assuming they’ve probably pulled the wool over our eyes out of spite, what should we believe about the moon and outer space?

Graciously
,
Simon Koppler
Lexington-Fayette, KY

Dear Simon:

You are needlessly overcomplicating things. Ask yourself this one simple question: Does the Bible say anything about the moon and outer space? The answer is yes—about three sentences’ worth. It mentions something vague about a firmament and then something about a light in said firmament to shine during the night. And that’s all it says. And therefore, that’s all we need to know about it. As the Upright Citizens Brigade has been saying for more than ten years now, astronauts can go fuck themselves. Take that, science!

Todd

…

Dear Todd:

I always thought I was emo, but according to my friends, I’m more goth. Why could this be? Is it the mascara? Aren’t emo kids allowed to wear makeup occasionally?

Brad
Evanston, IL

Dear Brad:

I’m really glad you asked that question, because I myself have been struggling with the distinction between emo and goth for years now. From what I can tell in my old age, the emotions expressed are essentially the same, except goth sounds delicate and fey, like the farts of winged fairies, and emo is raw and loud, like two trucks fucking. Both seem to involve a mascara option, so I can’t help you there. But let me ask you this: Do you have forearm tattoos? That could put you over the fence to emo right there. And if, conversely, you have a parasol made of black lace that you carry on sunny days, you’re probably goth. Sorry I couldn’t be of more help there, Brad. In either case, you should seriously consider dropping the name “Brad.”

Todd

…

Dear Todd:

Obviously, hooking up with your cousin is a bad idea, as in your first cousin. But what about your second cousin? That’s allowed, right?

J.J. in Carson City, NV

Dear J.J.:

Again we’re gonna have to go with the Bible on this one. Considering that all humans descended from one original Adam and Eve pairing, it would appear that all forms of incest are perfectly acceptable. Hook up with your cousins all you want!

Todd

Tim Heidecker and Eric Wareheim

Dear Tim and/or Eric:

I really want to fight a bear. How can I make this happen?

Thomas
Saginaw, MI

Dear Thomas:

Is you what? This has to be a joke question. Why would you want to fight a bear? You could get hurt! Is not so smart, Thomas.
(Check out my Twitter account for more!)

Tim

…

Dear Tim and/or Eric:

What’s the etiquette on telling someone that they are going to make the biggest mistake of their lives by getting married?

Jessica
Saint George, UT

Dear Jessica:

Make sure you get a prenup.

Eric

…

Dear Tim and/or Eric:

“Rainbow Connection” begins with the phrase “Why are there so many songs about rainbows …” but the only song about rainbows I can think of is “Rainbow Connection.” Is this supposed to be irony or did the frog not do enough research when writing the song?

Liam MacNeil
Waterloo, IA

Dear Liam:

Me know not about it. Henson is songwriters. Might be with him. Frog is just puppet for him. (I’m
on the Net if you want to search for me!)

Tim

…

Dear Tim and/or Eric:

I think I might be unconsciously racist. An example: when I walk down the street and two-plus Mexicans and/or African Americans are walking toward me, I cross to the other side of the street. Or if
they come into my store, I keep an extra-keen eye on them vs. my nonethnic customers. How do I stop being unconsciously racist?

Tom from Queens

Dear Tom:

Embrace it. Get an ironic
RACIST
T-shirt.

Eric

…

Dear Tim and/or Eric:

Sometimes people say “vague-n” instead of “vegan” to be funny and I wonder, is that really funny? Or do you think vegans actually are vague?

D. Gonzalez
Los Angeles, CA

Dear D.:

I don’t play in those circles. That sound like a scene from a star trick show! Who’s pulling my legs with these silly question?
(I have some tracks on iTunes! Surch for me by names!)

Tim

…

Dear Tim and/or Eric:

Left or right?

Todd
Oak Park, IL

Dear Todd:

Right. Or as we like to call it, “Reginald.”

Eric

…

Dear Tim and/or Eric:

I’m ready to pick a new religion. Which do you recommend?

Harold Dagis
New York, NY

Dear Harold:

I was baptized a Catholic. It has a wonderful American heritage and has a Pope who guides us in our decisions. There is also a liturgy. Thanks for the serious question.
(Chat live with my pastor! I’ll give you his screen name!)

Tim

…

Dear Tim and/or Eric:

Do you think the accordion is poised for a comeback?

Abigail
Vallejo, CA

Dear Abigail:

It never left. Check out Weird Al.

Eric

…

Dear Tim and/or Eric:

A burrito is a delicious food item that breaks down all social barriers and leads to temporary spiritual enlightenment. But it is also the Spanish word for “young donkey.” Usually there is some kind of
resemblance or shared essence among items that share the same name. Do you think young donkeys remind people of stuffed tortillas?

Just “Frank”
Wichita, KS

Dear “Frank”:

This is another silly questions! What the heck? All this burrito talk is making me hungry though. Not too hot. I don’t like spicy foods.
(Check me out on
classmates.com
!)

Tim

…

Dear Tim and/or Eric:

It has come to our attention that some of our readers may not “get” your sense of humor. Even we have to admit that, after reading your last few responses, it appears that Tim was either stoned or drunk, and Eric wasn’t trying at all. Is this some kind of hipster, postmodern, funny-’cause-it’s-not-in-any-way-funny type of thing? Thank you for your time
.

The Believer
magazine
San Francisco, CA

Dear
The Believer:

Emanuel, my personal assistant, answered these stimulating questions. He’s new to the English language, so there’s a language barrier we all have to deal with at the office. Please enjoy.

Dictated but not read.
Eric Wareheim

Ed Helms

Dear Ed:

My life partner recently told me that Santa Claus is a homophobe. Is he right? Santa doesn’t seem like the kind of guy who’d be purposefully exclusionary. And that suit, with all the bells and fur trim, seems a little queeny to me. Maybe my boyfriend just isn’t into fatties?

Callahan N
.
Richmond, VA

Dear Callahan:

Your life partner’s observation would seem to corroborate my long-standing assertion that Santa Claus is in fact Rush Limbaugh. A brief review of the evidence is both overwhelming and disturbing. For starters, they both like to chortle. Coincidence? I think not. Second, they both live in an imaginary universe in which they can say and do positively ridiculous things with the support and adulation of millions. And finally, they are both undeniably jolly! I’m sorry, Callahan, but it’s time you knew the truth about Santa Claus.

Ed

…

Dear Ed:

Sometimes I forget to start with the little fork and go straight to the big fork. Is this a problem?

Name withheld
Rockford, IL

Dear Name:

This is a really good question and I hear it all the time. The answer is very simple. If you’re genuinely confused about which fork to use, as you clearly are, then you should take the little fork and stab yourself in the left eye. Then take the larger fork and stab yourself in the right eye. At this point you will be in a phenomenal amount of agony and you will be wondering if you will ever see another sunset again. Only then will you truly be free from the tyranny of fork-size equivocation.

Ed

…

Dear Ed:

I can’t seem to have a restful night’s sleep these days, no matter how much booze I drink. What am I doing wrong?!

Jayson Rodgers
Baton Rouge, LA

Dear Jayson:

Your question is fundamentally flawed because it is avoiding the main issue. You have a serious problem. You are addicted to sleep. How many times have you blacked out while sleeping? And I’m willing to bet that when you are sleeping your entire personality changes: you are antisocial and not fun to be around. I don’t know you, but I would guess that sleep has begun interfering with your work and your relationships. These are warning signs. Clearly you love booze, which is wonderful, but your addiction to sleep is cutting in on the quality time you get to spend with alcohol. You need to stop sleeping altogether. For this I recommend cocaine.

Ed

…

Dear Ed:

The word “unicorn” always makes me wonder: Why isn’t it “unihorn”? When I hear “unicorn,” I think that maybe somebody called it that because they thought the horn looked like a giant corn on the cob and so they just screamed out, “ONE CORN!” which evolved into “unicorn” … which makes me think that maybe unicorns are native to Iowa
.