You're a Horrible Person, But I Like You: The Believer Book of Advice (13 page)

Adam

…

Dear Adam:

I really want my vote to count in the upcoming election, but I’m confused. Would you help me make sense of the Democratic and Republican candidates? I just need something short and snappy and easy to understand so I can go get drunk with my buds and stop worrying about the world
.

Chad (please no “hanging” jokes please)
Boston, MA

Dear Hanging Chad:

Politics are tough. That’s why I will ask my teenage daughter who she thinks is cuter. This year she said Zach from
Zach & Cody
, so he’s getting my vote. I love democracy!

Adam

Eugene Mirman

Dear Eugene:

Can you settle a bet for me? I say that it’s okay to load the dishwasher with different-size plates next to each other, but my mom says that I’ll never find my own apartment or produce grandchildren. My driving privileges are on the line—which one of us is right?

Thanks
,
Perry in Peril
Parker, CO

Dear Perry in Peril:

What you have asked is technically a “non-question,” because the very notion of doing dishes is flawed. When possible, dishes should be tossed out a window. I know my answer isn’t very “green,” but the time saved will let you make a much bigger impact in your community.

On a separate issue, if your mother has told you that grandchildren are in some way produced by using a dishwasher, she is lying.

Take care,
Eugene

…

Dear Eugene:

I drive a 1997 Honda Civic with 178,000 miles on it. Lately, it’s been making an odd noise and vibrating wildly whenever I apply the brakes at highway speeds. Because the car is stolen, I’m reluctant to take it to an authorized mechanic. Does this sound like a serious problem, or can I afford to ignore it for a while?

Cheers
,
Dave
Wilmington, DE

Dear Dave:

It sounds like something is wrong with your transmission. You need to get it checked out right away. How am I so sure even though I’ve never owned a car? Because I own something a little more useful than knowledge—I own confidence. Go to the mechanic. Be careful, though. If the mechanic calls the police, you’ll have only about ten minutes to run away. How will you know if he’s called the police? He’ll try to stall you with questions and tasks like, “Want to write a play with me right now?” “Let’s watch the movie
Dune,”
or, “How do the pieces in chess move again?” It’ll be obvious.

Eugene

…

Dear Eugene:

My sister has always had a real zest for life, but lately I’ve noticed that she seems to be drinking more than usual. I’m also not thrilled with the guys she’s been “dating.” How can I approach her about this without sounding like an uptight, repressed spinster?

All the best
,
Prudence
Schenectady, NY

Dear Prudence:

First of all, thank you for giving me the opportunity to write “Dear Prudence.” It was really fun.

You have the age-old problem of a slightly drunk sister throwing her body a party and inviting, indiscriminately, guys she met at a flea market and several bassists. Often people have to realize on their own that they’re making mistakes. (Robert Downey, Jr., and Amy Winehouse are just two examples.) Still, you can accelerate the process. Fill your sister’s pillow with thousands of pieces of paper that say “You’re making a mistake,” and, “You need to cut down on drinking.” When she brings some dude home, they’ll lie down and be like, “These pillows feel weird.” Once they look inside and find all the notes, they’ll be like, “Your sister really loves you. We shouldn’t be doing this.”

You can also handcuff her to a golden retriever. I don’t know if you’ve ever tried drinking or making out while handcuffed to a dog, but I bet it’s near impossible.

Eugene

…

Dear Eugene:

I’m a middle school student and I’m not very athletic. This is a problem because most of the other kids are, and they always play
basketball together at recess. I want to play, too, but I’m afraid I won’t be good enough. What if they laugh at me for the rest of the year?

Regards
,
Ball’s in My Court
Myrtle Beach, SC

Dear Ball’s in My Court:

Oh my god! You are afraid of the wrong thing! What if they laugh at you for the
rest of the year?
No, that’s not what you should worry about. What if they laugh at you for the next five years? What happens if that leads you to never believe in yourself? What if you seek solace in drugs or, worse, community theater? You can’t allow that to happen. You have to overcome your fear of being laughed at and develop an insurmountable self-confidence. How? Not by turning to whiskey—that’s what weak tweens do, and you’re strong. You need a three-pronged approach:

1. Start playing basketball somewhere alone for two hours a day for at least one day, but more like a month.

2. Pick two other things to become not just good at, but great at. A few options: backgammon, karate, computers, or premarital sex. (JK—don’t do it.)

3. Absorb the following knowledge: sports are one of the most important things at your age, but they exponentially decrease in importance after high school—just ask Mick Jagger or Janet Reno—plus at around twenty-eight everyone becomes overweight and sluggish, and the most important things become happiness, money, and having (or being) a pretty wife who smiles really well (and doesn’t let on that everything is awful).

Eugene

…

Dear Eugene:

My friend Andrew is experiencing a renaissance after a relative nadir in his love life. I want to buy him a gift that says, “Yeah, dude. You’re doing it. Be safe.” What would you suggest?

Sandy
San Francisco, CA

P.S. He is a box turtle
.

Dear Sandy:

Well, obviously you don’t need to get him condoms or anything like that. My guess is he already has an iPod. You should build him a turtle-size modern home with glass walls, a steam shower, hot tub, and lettuce room—basically Howard Roark the place. A classy turtle is a happy turtle.

Eugene

P.S. If the reason your friend is experiencing a renaissance in his love life is because you bought another turtle and put her in his cage, then you are no better than Indian parents who make their daughter marry some rich family’s son in exchange for horses and weird drums. I know, why end this with a confused, ethnically charged remark? So you start seeing turtles like I do—as pawns in a cultural war.

Morgan Murphy

Dear Morgan:

My boyfriend wants to go to Burning Man, but the last time he was there, he had sex with a man covered in silver body paint. He says it was just a onetime thing—how often do you get to fuck a silver man?—but I’m worried that it might happen again. Am I right to be concerned?

Glenn
Davenport, IA

Dear Glenn:

I hate to break it to you, but your boyfriend is gaaaaay. You two fellas have obviously been together awhile if this is his second Burning Man, but if he’s fucking a man (covered in silver paint, no less), then he is a homosexual, and you need to figure out if that’s something you’re willing to live with. I would advise approaching him gently on this subject, as nobody wants to be dragged out of the closet. Perhaps bring it up to him while he’s blowing you.

Above all, don’t judge him. I happen to know that you’re required to fuck a man covered in silver paint to get into Burning Man. It’s a policy established in 1998, after a complaint that paper tickets were wasteful and added to the festival’s already excessive littering. Inserting one’s penis into a silver man is the ultimate form of recycling. That way, if the Burning Man Police want to know if you’ve paid your entrance fee, they can simply ask to see your silver penis. It’s quite brilliant in its simplicity, and kind to Mother Earth. Other events now implementing the “fuck a man covered in silver body paint” policy include Lollapalooza, various FM radio stations’ “Jingle Balls,” and the Westminster Dog Show.

Morgan

…

Dear Morgan:

I’ve read that by drinking one and a half glasses of red wine each day, you can prevent cancer and heart attacks. My question is, what happens if you finish the second glass? Are you undoing all the good?

Sandra Olston
Orlando, FL

Dear Sandra:

Allow me to ask you a question, Sandra. Why would you want to prevent cancer and heart attacks? Do you have any idea how nice people are to you when you’ve recently been diagnosed with lymphoma, or undergone a coronary bypass? I’ve endured three years of white-knuckled, unassisted sobriety in the hopes that I might be stricken down by a temporarily debilitating illness that will force God-fearing family members to wait on me hand and foot. Sure, when I see my friends going to Party Town (choo choo!) with a case of Shiraz, part of me wants to join them. But then I think about said friends having to bathe me with sponges during my bedridden “vacation” from life’s responsibilities. Why would I want to prevent that? People say “fed through a tube” like it’s a bad thing. I see it as a simplified alternative to the ever cumbersome fork and spoon. And don’t even get me started on chopsticks.

Morgan

…

Dear Morgan:

I love James Patterson thrillers, but whenever my friends catch me reading one of his books, they give me a look like it’s
Gang Bang Trannies.
Should I give up on my guilty pleasure and choke down more Don DeLillo and Thomas Pynchon, or get less judgmental friends?

Leo P
.
Richton Park, IL

Dear Leo:

I can’t believe you would make up such a convoluted story just so you could reference Thomas Pynchon and Don DeLillo in the same sentence. Nice work, douche bag.

I am also personally insulted by your mockery of
Gang Bang Trannies
. I’ll have you know that it’s the greatest fictional depiction of polyamory since
Little Women II
, Louisa May Alcott’s harrowing follow-up about four lesbian midgets who fuck one another in post–Civil War New England.

Why would you write to a magazine and ask a question about books? Do you think I’d write a letter to
The Five People You Meet in Heaven
asking Mitch Albom if I should continue to read
XXL?
Actually, that’s a poor example. Have you read
Tuesdays with Morrie?
That guy could answer anything. Now that I think about it, you should probably try to get his advice.

Morgan

…

Dear Morgan:

Is it wrong to have sex with somebody I respect but don’t find physically attractive? I’ve been dating this guy for a few weeks, and while the sex has been repulsive, our postcoital conversations are always stimulating and fulfilling. Is there something wrong with me?

Jenny Godfrey
Rapid City, SD

Dear Jenny:

Allow me to answer your last question first. Yes, there is something wrong with you. You’re retarded. I don’t mean retarded in the casual sense (i.e., “You’re retarded”). I am clinically diagnosing you as a person with mental retardation. Because you are retarded, I don’t expect you to understand the difference, but trust me when I say that my use of the word “retarded” is not offensive at all. Sex repulses you not because your boyfriend is unattractive, but because you have the mind of a seven-year-old. Your postcoital conversations (no idea how you whipped out that word, but I once saw a retarded person on
Live with Regis and Kelly
who could count backward, so I’ll believe just about anything) are stimulating because who doesn’t enjoy a conversation with a man who has sex with retarded girls? Now that’s a guy with stories!

Morgan

Bob Odenkirk

Dear Bob:

I have romantic intentions toward an incredibly hot boy who lives in my dorm, but my friends tell me not to bother, because he’s out of my league. How do they know that? Isn’t beauty subjective?

Thanks
,
Pretty Confident in Her Own Attractiveness
Hartford, CT

Dear PCIHOA:

Your acronym-name is worthless. Do better on that next time. I’m very tired. Got the kids off to school this morning, forgot to put water, vegetable, or sandwich in son’s lunch bag, just filled it with napkins. Have you seen Larry King lately? He’s thinner, bonier, and hotter than ever. What’s with the Olympic torch? It’s silly. The Olympics are silly. Clowns, too. Have you ever eaten pie? Do. You’ll thank me. Does that answer your question? No? I say ask the guy out. Beauty is subjective and he sounds like a great guy to me, the kind who might enjoy a pinch-faced, watery-eyed, drooling boob such as yourself. Hope that helps.