You're a Horrible Person, But I Like You: The Believer Book of Advice (10 page)

Ava
Sioux City, IA

Dear Ava:

Wow. You are really dumb. “Corn” is Latin for “horn,” as in “cornucopia.” Since Latin is the preferred language for all fauna nomenclature, both real and imaginary, a mono-horned horse is naturally called a unicorn. If anything, you should be asking why corn is named after the Latin word for “horn”! Jeez Louise!

Ed

…

Dear Ed:

I live in a rural part of Texas, and I’m almost positive I saw a Bigfoot. A few times, actually. How do I let him (it?) know that I’m friendly and mean him no harm? Should I leave some milk and snacks on my front porch? What do Bigfoots eat anyway?

L.D
.
Shreveport, TX

Dear L.D.:

Bigfoots sustain themselves on a strict diet of wild Fijian albacore sashimi with pea tendril salad, glazed couscous, asparagus tips, and red wine jus. Unfortunately, no human can prepare that dish to the exacting standards of a wild Bigfoot. That said, they have a less discerning sweet tooth. Try setting out some praline chicory coffee soufflé, coffee anglaise, and warm beignets. Just be careful because if the soufflé collapses, the Bigfoot will get very angry and might try to rape you.

Ed

…

Dear Ed:

I’m pretty sure I saw a giant painting of Kim Jong Il in an upscale creperie a few weeks ago. What are your thoughts on this combination (Kim Jong Il and crepes)?

Anthony
Pensacola, FL

Dear Anthony:

It’s a little-known fact that Kim Jong Il, despite being a crazed, megalomaniacal despot, is one of the greatest crepe chefs in the world. You’ll find large portraits and even shrines to Kim Jong Il in creperies throughout the world. He has contributed immeasurably to the crepe-making oeuvre, perhaps most notably in his daring use of parsley and pine resin. Rumors abound about disturbing human rights violations in some of his crepe-testing laboratories, and his use of forced labor in crepe kitchens is well documented. However, no one can deny the dizzying lightness and delectable nuance of a Kim Jong Il–prepared lemon crêpe suzette.

Ed

…

Dear Ed:

I’ve always heard that it’s not appropriate to wear white after Labor Day, but I never understood why. Is this reverse racism? What’s wrong with a little white clothing, as long as there aren’t any hoods involved?

Cooper
Sacramento, CA

Hi Cooper:

I recommend never wearing white after Labor Day, mainly because if you do I will murder you. Why? Because I want to cook your organs and eat them so that you will always be a part of me. This may sound weird, but it is rooted in a deep, abiding love for you. That said, I also understand that you may not want to be murdered, and that’s why I’m giving you the heads-up. Just know that it really doesn’t matter what color your clothes are. I’m probably going to murder you anyway.

Ed

…

Dear Ed:

I really, really want to be famous, but I don’t have any talents. Acting, literary, or otherwise. I’m not even all that attractive. Now: How do I get famous?

Christopher
St. Paul, MN

Dear Christopher:

I admire your moxie and determination! It is clear from your letter that you already possess all of the necessary requirements to become famous. In particular, I would encourage you to cultivate your lack of talent, since that has clearly worked well for numerous celebrities. In addition, fame can often be obtained through association. To wit, try hanging out in nightclubs with people who are already famous, like Lindsay Lohan or Dick Cheney. Or might I suggest trouncing Rafael Nadal in the finals at Wimbledon. However you go about it, I wish you good luck and godspeed in your worthy and noble quest!

Ed

Buck Henry

Dear Buck:

Here’s what I remember: I started watching a kung fu movie marathon in college, and the next thing I knew I was thirty-four and unemployed. Should I try to figure out what happened to that lost time, or just cut my losses and get on with my life?

Regards
,
A Dude in Atlanta, GA

Dear Dude in Atlanta:

That’s what you think you remember. We will probably never know what really happened. There is creditable scientific and medical proof that steady exposure to endless repetition—be it of strobe lights, religious chants, Jody cadence (a military training term with which I am sure you are unfamiliar), the music of Don McLean, or even an evening of reality TV—can cause fainting, hallucinations, petit and grand mal seizures, time and space dislocation, and even that old W. C. Fields favorite, mogo on the gogogo. Kung fu marathons are designed to operate on the human limbic system—the sound effects, human grunting, blazing unnatural colors, dizzying athletic pyrotechnics, and pure silliness were designed (probably by General Yamamoto in the waning days of World War II) to stir the occidental brain into sludge. Even today the sound tracks of more than two thousand movies directed by and starring hundreds of people all named Lee are played day and night in the Guantánamo prison system as an adjunct to waterboarding. I’d leave your lost past alone if I were you. You might have been al Qaeda.

Cheers,
Buck

…

Dear Buck:

I just read
Siddhartha
to impress a girl, and I’m having trouble thinking of anything to say about it that would sound sufficiently deep but not too pretentious. Any ideas?

Thanks
,
Joshua
Chicago, IL

Dear Joshua:

Be careful. A woman who would actually request that someone she ostensibly cares for should read
Siddhartha
is intellectually ruthless if not criminally insane. This is a trap. You must realize by now that there is nothing that you or anyone else can say about Hesse’s novel without seeming pretentious or, even worse, foreign. When I was very young, my great-grandmother, who was old and ill, asked me to read her to sleep. I selected
Siddhartha
because I surmised that I was in her will. She passed away during chapter two. I was amazed that she lasted that long.

Buck

…

Dear Buck:

My husband only has one testicle. I try not to make him feel bad about it—his other ball was removed after doctors discovered it was cancerous—but every time I look at his groin, I think, Hitler only had one testicle, too. Is that terrible of me? My husband is a good man, and despite the unfortunate physical similarities, he has nothing else in common with one of the worst hatemongers in history
.

Susan P
.
Omaha, NE

Dear Susan P:

Heinrich Himmler, who was not only a Nazi butcher but also a famous ass-kisser, once said to Hitler: “Mein Führer, some men may see your scrotum as half-empty; I see it as half-full.” Susan, there are many men who are unitesticular, and it doesn’t mean that they’re anti-Semitic or about to invade Poland. One of our most famous bodybuilding strongmen (not, I assure you, our beloved California governor) was reputed to be gonadically challenged, and he has many friends of the Hebrew persuasion who find him to be socially charming and mildly threatening only when faced with scary deli food. Your problem, such as it is, puts me in mind of my favorite burlesque sketch, which I saw as a youth in Jersey City. Maybe you will think of this the next time you are staring at your husband’s sole orb of regeneration and chuckle instead of recoil. A married couple make their first visit to a nudist colony. In their cabin, the husband looks out the window and says: “My god, I’m not going out there with all those crazy people.” And the wife says: “Why are you calling them crazy?” And he answers: “Well, can’t you see their nuts?” I’m still laughing.

Buck

…

Dear Buck:

I’ve been dating this guy for a few weeks and I think I really like him. But he’s in a wheelchair. When and if we finally have sex, what can I expect? Does he have to stay in the chair the whole time? And if not, can he be on top?

Cheers
,
N.D
.
Holyoke, MA

Dear N.D.:

Wheelchair sex is not as complicated as it might seem, but it can be dangerous. Its customs and general usages go as far back as the Kama Sutra, which contains the first, and perhaps the only, recorded case of how to make love when one of the lovers is basically attached to a form of conveyance. I am too refined to give you the full details, but this moving tale involves a love-smitten gal from Calcutta and the object of her affection, a young prince who, because of a skating accident, was confined to an elephant. Need I say more?

Buck

…

Dear Buck:

At what age is quitting your job and becoming a full-time carnie no longer socially acceptable?

Best
,
Eric
Augusta, ME

Dear Eric:

Quitting your boring and meaningless daily grind for the life of the open road and a close if not intimate relationship with really angry wild animals and lovable clowns who wear funny disguises to protect themselves from being pointed out by children in the audience whom they have touched inappropriately (if not killed and eaten) can never be considered a socially unacceptable choice. It is at the very least adventurous, and at worst suicidal. We are in an uncertain economy. But there will always be openings in the carnie for a powerful roustabout or—and I suspect this is more up your alley—a really hungry geek.

Buck

Mindy Kaling

Dear Mindy:

I read somewhere that dolphins are the only animals (besides humans) who engage in gang rape. Is that true? And if it is, should I remove the dolphin posters from my daughter’s bedroom walls?

Sincerely
,
D. Sachs
Pittsburgh, PA

Dear D.:

I am facing a similar situation. My teenage son fancies himself an artist. To that end, he has hung up a very unsettling print by M. C. Escher on his wall. There’s just something about a hand drawing itself that I find unsavory. But you have given me a great idea. I am going to tell my son that M. C. Escher was a rapist.

Thanks,
Mindy

…

Dear Mindy:

I recently discovered that my fiancé is a cat burglar. I have no problem dating a criminal, but does he have to use such ridiculous 1950s terminology? I imagine him going to work dressed in a black turtleneck and an eye mask and a bag with a big dollar sign written on the side flung over his shoulders. How should I tell him that I’m losing all respect for him?

Katie L
.
Grand Rapids, MI

Dear Katie,

I’m sorry, but I stopped reading after I read the word “fiancé.” Lady, what are you trying to prove? Does the word “fiancé” need to be used, ever? “Boyfriend” or “serious boyfriend” suffices just fine. People who drop French words like “fiancé” or “joie de vivre” are the real criminals, not your interesting-sounding boyfriend.

Mindy

…

Dear Mindy:

My husband is a terrible author. He’s been working on the same novel for almost a decade, and I’m so tired of reading his “latest revision.” I just can’t fake it anymore, and he gets suspicious when I
claim to have a headache or eye cramps. How can I avoid his sloppy prose while also sparing his feelings?

Guilty Wife in Baton Rouge

Dear Guilty Wife:

You think the fact that he’s bad is the reason you hate reading his stuff, but it’s not. When I carried on my decades-long affair with Tom Wolfe—you should’ve seen the two of us, nattily dressed in matching white suits—he always asked me to read his work. It was dreadful. It got to the point where I had to put down chapter two of
The Right Stuff and
say: “They go to space, they don’t go to space, I don’t care anymore!” And he’s a good writer. It’s torture. I would check into a women’s shelter.

Regards,
Mindy

…

Dear Mindy:

I’ve been living with my boyfriend for eight years and my family still thinks he’s my roommate. I don’t know how to be any more obvious. We sleep in the same bed, for god’s sake. Do I have to give him oral sex in front of them before they get it?

Brad
Sioux Falls, SD

Dear Brad:

Are you acting recognizably gay? Are you a flamboyant emotional wreck like Nathan Lane in
The Birdcage?
Or petulant and
muy caliente
like Hank Azaria in
The Birdcage?
Or are you basically a swarthy straight man, but gay, like Robin Williams in
The Birdcage?
Emulate these iconic gay fixtures. “Gayge” (wordplay) your gayness, and then just kick it up a notch (Emeril). Everyone loves this movie and your parents will soon get the picture.