You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?!: The Classic Self-Help Book for Adults With Attention Deficit Disorder (3 page)

To our delight, we have noted during the revision process that the book has held up very well. Most of it is just as useful today as it was when it was first published in 1993. Now, however, there is more research to back up our educated guesses. In addition,
people have been busy writing about adult ADD in the past decade and a half. There are now over a hundred books dealing with the
subject.

What has changed since we wrote the so-called bible of ADD? Wait a minute! This introduction would not be complete without at least one ADD mental sidetrack. Why, you may ask, did we write such a l-o-n-g book (a number of people have asked). Well, since there was nothing available at the time, we felt compelled to attempt to give our readers a brain transplant … similar to our workshop/speaking
style in those days. The “Talk as fast as you can so you can cram in all the relevant information in a limited time frame” school of thought. Never mind that the brain can’t process all that so fast. Thank God there are now other resources out there … we don’t have to drive ourselves and others crazy trying to do it all. If you are an ADDult, you know exactly what we are talking about.

Okay,
let’s get back to the changes we are including in this revision. One of the biggest changes is the growth and development of an entirely new profession dedicated to assisting ADD adults: ADD coaching. A well-trained ADD coach has a working knowledge of ADD medications and neurology, organizational strategies, specific coping tools and much more. He or she can work with you to help you improve your
functioning and satisfaction in all areas of life impacted by ADD.

Coaching, acknowledged to be one of the most important factors in ADD recovery, is at the center of our new sections on getting help. In our experience the four most important areas of focus are the M & M & M & M’s—medication, meditation, mental hygiene and moving forward. Your coach can be a resource person in all these areas,
although he/she doesn’t actually prescribe the medication. So, in our treatment chapters, we will put our coaching hats on and speak to you as ADD coaches, walking you through the process of using medication—meditation—mental hygiene-moving forward to facilitate your ADD recovery. We will also include updated information on medication.

Another important area of change is the new information on
gender and ADD. Hormones and biology have a powerful impact on the symptom picture, as do the effects of different socialization for males and females. Currently, most of the information on ADD and gender is focused on the female, so we will devote half of a chapter primarily to the issues of women with ADD. The other half of that chapter is about ADD and sexuality. Yes, ADD follows us into all
areas of life, including the bedroom.

Finally, we had to do a search-and-destroy mission for language that included the words “should,” “must” or “ought.” Although we thought we were being very positive and nonjudgmental when we wrote the original book, we found that we had done much growing in the area of self-acceptance and acceptance of others with ADD. Those nasty “shoulds” just jumped out
at us. Mention of the “should” problem brings us to our last, and perhaps most important point: The goal of ADD recovery is not perfect functioning, but a comfortable relationship with your very human self, “ADD oopses” and all. When we ease up on the performance pressure, life is a lot more fun. Almost incidentally, a lot more gets done with less effort. It’s like magic.

How to Read This Book

We know that many of you, our readers, are not actually readers at all. Of course, you know
how
to read and you
can
read, but for many ADDers, reading is just not that much fun. Perhaps you have dyslexia—it often travels with ADD. Or maybe reading is just not the strongest learning channel for you. We put this book in an easy-to-read font and broke it up with charts, headers and cartoons because
we knew that you, our audience, would need a break while reading all that text.

Don’t make a chore out of reading this book! There is no right way to do it. You can read it in little chunks during bathroom breaks or even read it backwards! Pick out the chapters that catch your eye and start there. As they say in AA: Take what you like and leave the rest.

ADD and Your Potential

In the first edition of this book, the Captain Potential cartoon you see on this page was in the final chapter. This time we put him right up front, as a reminder that you really are going somewhere. Honest! When you are slogging through the hard work it takes to get rid of all the baggage associated with undiagnosed ADD, it is easy to get discouraged, to focus so much on the problems that your
gifts and strengths recede into the background. We all have enormous potential that can be realized when we discover the operating manual for our unique, quirky selves.

ADD as a “brain style” has a lot to offer. All the “symptoms” of ADD can be worked with to serve us instead of getting in the way. Let’s take a different look at the three cardinal symptoms of ADD:

We are much more than our ADD. Each of us has a unique profile of strengths that
can be used to design and implement a lifestyle that is a good fit for us as individuals. There are many examples of successful ADDers, both historically and in the present. While it is not possible to make a posthumous diagnosis of ADD, what we know about the lives of Thomas Edison, Winston Churchill and Benjamin Franklin, for example, makes us more than a little bit suspicious about their “diagnosability.”
The CEO of JetBlue Airways, Dustin Hoffman, and Dr. Ned Hallowell are among the many successful people who have come out of the closet about their ADD. And of course, we all wonder about most of the people who do comedy for a living. For every ADD celebrity, there are multitudes of less visible folks who have found a niche for the weird and wonderful brain style known as ADD. Below is
a partial list of vocations that can benefit from “diversified thinking”:
sales
entrepreneurship
comedy
acting
writing
teaching
parenting
science
design

Actually, anything humans do is enhanced by the capacity to think outside the box. As ADDers, we tend to excel at that kind of thinking. Our task is to tame the chaos and the paper piles enough so that they don’t choke the life out of living.
We want “good enough” structure and organization, not a strait-jacket.

ADD Is a What?

KK:
“In the past week, I got a puzzling e-mail from my dad. We had been going back and forth about which political candidate he was supporting. The final e-mail in this particular thread seemed to be a duplicate of the last one I sent him. I chalked it up as an ‘oops’ and went about my business, keeping the
e-mail on the desktop. Some time later, my partner, Paul, drew my attention to the new signature that appeared on the bottom of the e-mail. This was one I had just added after a signature-less couple of months due to a new computer system learning curve. In a pretty font and yummy colors, it read:

Kate Kelly
ADDed Dimension Coaching
addcoaching.com
“ADD—it’s not just a disorder, it’s an ADDed Dimension”

“Only my dad’s version was slightly different. I don’t know how he expected my ADD self to pick up on it, but perhaps it was one of those brain teasing tests he delights in administering to the poor unsuspecting soul who is already convinced they are indeed lazy, stupid and crazy. Actually, I think it is just his particular
brand of humor, his way of having fun. OK … are you ready
for my dad’s version of the signature? His edited response was:

Kate Kelly
ADDed Dimension Coaching
addcoaching.com
“ADD—it’s not just a disorder, it’s a bullcrap copout”

“Well! Can you believe he wrote that? In the early days of my own ADD journey I would have shriveled up, curled myself into a little ball on hearing or reading those words. This week I just laughed my head off and sent a message
to my dad that publication is the best revenge. I also thanked him for providing the inspiration for part of this introduction.”

While these words may seem rude or downright cruel to the ADDer who is struggling to make sense of his or her life, they are just an in-your-face version of the attitudes we deal with on the journey to self-acceptance. We encounter versions of this kind of thinking
on talk radio, in books and even in the bosoms of our families. The idea that the kinds of behaviors seen in ADD are the result of a character defect is ingrained in our collective consciousness. Even those of us who have spent our lives slaving to try to control our ADD symptoms without success often wonder if we are just making up excuses for bad behavior.

If anyone tries to tell you that ADD
is “all in your head,” refuse to take it to heart. You can laugh it off, develop an acute but temporary hearing loss or rephrase the offending words in the privacy of your own mind. You could say, for instance, that “Yes, ADD is in my head—it’s a neurobiological condition.” Remind yourself that not doing something you are expected to do is not because you won’t, but because you can’t—at least not
without help. Then, of course, there is the tired old phrase “he can do it when he wants to,” which is trotted out all too often. This faulty assumption with its ring of truth often results
in a lot of self-doubt and recrimination. Remind yourself that it rings true not because you are “guilty as charged” but because ADD is not predictable—somedays we’re hot, and somedays we’re not.

ADD is not an excuse, it’s an explanation.
We have been doing our best in very
challenging circumstances.

If we could sum up the message of this book in a few words (besides the words in the title), we would say that the task in front of you, as you make the journey from diagnosis to self-acceptance, is to:

1. reframe your past experience,
   
2. forgive yourself,
   
3. move forward, taking with you the knowledge, tools and strategies that will support your success.
   

In this book you will find a wealth of information about ADD, as well as practical tips, tools and solutions for living as an ADD adult. We want to say a bit more about reframing here. Imagine a picture frame that you have pulled from the curb on your latest trash-picking expedition. Or one you have stored in your attic or garage for about a century.
It is dusty and beat up, perhaps with chipped paint or many layers of ugly paint. Maybe there are some nails missing, so that the frame is coming apart. Even a Van Gogh or a Picasso would not shine as brightly when placed in that sad-looking frame.

That Charlie Brown frame is the one you have been looking through when you view your life. It is constructed from the negative beliefs you collected
over the years of living with a hidden disability. The beliefs about not trying hard enough, or just making up excuses, for example. Beliefs are powerful, they affect everything we think, feel, say and do. To change your life,
you need to change your thinking, starting with your beliefs. Strip that old frame of the beliefs that don’t serve you and are not even true. The ones that say you have
not been working hard enough or don’t care enough about others. When you refinish the frame, remember to include the following:

1. You have been working your heart out just trying to navigate life with an unpredictable brain.
   
2. You have strengths that shine through the disability.
   
3. None of us is perfect—and all of us are valuable.
   

As you read this book, keep the image of Captain Potential firmly
fixed in your mind’s eye. There is indeed a gem buried under all those symptoms and past traumas. We know that you can find it, because we have, and our own lives have been anything but tidy. Above all, enjoy the journey.

Warmly,

Kate Kelly & Peggy Ramundo

Chapter 1
Understanding the Disorder That Makes Us Feel Lazy, Stupid or Crazy