What We Learned Along the Way (38 page)

“Hmm?” Langston said, scrunching up his mouth
like he always does when he’s thinking. “Maybe you’re pregnant,” he
said in a hopeful voice. Despite their issues, Langston wanted
another baby. Aliya, however, did not.

“Pregnant? Uh, I’m pretty sure I’m not.”

“How can you be so sure? We’ve had lots of
practice,” he said with a wink.

“I’m on birth control,” she admitted
sheepishly. The last time they discussed the issue, which was right
before their wedding, they agreed that she wouldn’t use birth
control. Langston tried to do some research on whether or not it
was permissible in Islam, but wasn’t able to find a definitive
answer. They decided they’d rather be safe than sorry. Originally,
Aliya was fine with not being on the pill, but she rethought the
decision when she started to feel that she and Langston were having
some trouble in their marriage. She didn’t want to have a baby yet,
just in case the unthinkable happened.

“How long have you been on them? I thought we
discussed this before the wedding. Why would you do that without
talking to me, Aliya?” He sat in the chair across from the bed and
looked his wife in the eyes.

“I haven’t been on them that long. I just
thought maybe it’d be a good idea for us to wait a little before we
had a baby, you know? I thought a baby might complicate things
right now. I didn’t want to make things any worse.”

“Any worse? Worse than what?”

“Worse than nothing,” Aliya said. She really
didn’t want to get in an argument. “I just thought now wasn’t the
best time.” Langston started to say something, but she cut him off.
“I know I should have discussed it with you first. I didn’t want to
start an argument. I can stop taking them if you want. I’m sorry,
Langston.” Langston made his thinking face again.

“Well, I don’t know. You’re already on them
now. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt to stay on for a few more months or
so.”

“Really? You don’t mind?”

“I wish you would have talked to me about it
first. I know it’s your body, but this is the type of decision that
a couple needs to make together. I know we don’t always get along,
but I need you to feel like you can talk to me, especially about
stuff like this.”

“You’re right. I don’t know why I didn’t talk
to you first. I just felt like we had been drifting apart and I
thought if I brought it up, it would cause a big argument, and you
know I hate arguing with you.” She walked over to Langston and
stood in front of him, holding both his hands.

“I know what you mean. I hate arguing with
you, too. So how about this. You can stay on it for now, but if I
decide that I want you off, will you be willing to stop?” His voice
had softened.

“Just say the word,” Aliya reassured him.
“Thank you for not being upset.”

“Thank you for being you,” he replied.

“Oohh,” Aliya said as she hunched over and
grabbed her stomach. “It feels like I’m getting cramps, but I can’t
be. It’s not time for my period yet.” She walked back over to the
bed and sat down.

“What else could it be?” Langston asked,
confused.

“I don’t know. I’ve never had cramps without
being on my period.”

“Maybe they’re just hunger pains. You haven’t
eaten in hours and you threw up the little you did eat. I’ll order
you something from room service. What do you want?”

“Anything,” she said with an I’m-in-pain
face. Langston picked up the phone and dialed the front desk.

“Could I have room service, please?”

“One moment while I connect you,” a British
sounding man said politely. A few moments later, the order was
in.

“I got you a veggie burger and some fries,”
Langston said, still facing the phone. He turned around expecting
to see his wife in the same spot, but was surprised to find that
the bed was empty. “Honey?” he said aloud.

“I’m in the bathroom,” Aliya answered. She
came out a few minutes later. “I guess my period started
early.”

“Already?” Langston could usually predict,
within one or two days, when his wife’s cycle would start.

“I thought I still had another week. Strange.
At least I was prepared. I found some pads and Motrin in my purse.”
Around 11 o’clock, they decided to go to bed. Aliya turned out the
light and climbed into the bed next to her husband. “Langston?”

“Yes.”

“I meant to ask you this earlier. Who were
you talking to on the phone?”

“Do I look fat?” Mariam asked Rashad as she
stood in front of the mirror in her new outfit.

“No, you look great,” Rashad told her. He
really did think she looked great, but even if he didn’t, he knew
better than to tell a woman she looked fat. Mariam let out a loud
sigh.

“Are you sure? Come on, look again,” she
said, this time trying her best to poke out her normally flat
belly.

“Wait, so you want me to think you look fat?”
Rashad knew that women could be complicated and downright strange
at times, but he’d never known one that wanted to look fat.

“It’s not that I want you to think I’m fat. I
just want to you notice that I’m pregnant!” she said in an excited
voice.

Here we go again.
“You sure this
time? We’ve already had two false alarms.”

“Those were false alarms. This is real. I can
feel it. I’m not sure if it’s a boy or a girl, but I know there’s
something in there.” Mariam’s smile was bigger than ever.

“Did you already take the test?” Rashad
asked.

“Not yet, but I know I’m pregnant. I can just
tell.”

“Let’s take a test to be sure. It only takes
a minute.”

“Okay, but I don’t need a test to tell me
what I already know.” She went into the bathroom and took one of
the many pregnancy tests from the cabinet. “97% accurate,” she read
aloud with a smile. She peed on the stick and waited for the pink
plus sign to fill in. Five minutes later, she came out of the
bathroom.

“Well?” Rashad said, feeling a little
nervous.

“I told you!” she said, holding up the stick
with the plus sign on it.

“Whoa,” Rashad said as he took a seat. Ever
since Mariam met Jaime’s twins, she was convinced that a baby, one
of her own, was necessary in their lives. She had been trying for 4
months to get pregnant. Rashad couldn’t believe it had actually
happened.

Mariam and Rashad sat in the doctor’s office
waiting room and flipped through the parenting magazines on the
table. “Thank you so much for coming to my first appointment with
me. You’re the best,” Mariam told Rashad with a smiled.

“Mariam,” the nurse said as she opened the
door to call Mariam back. “You can come on back, too,” she said to
Rashad, who was still sitting in the chair. He sat beside his wife
in the patient room and tried not to look nervous.

“So, you’re having a baby,” Dr. Tanner said
as she walked into the room with a clip board full of Mariam’s
information. She was an attractive Native American-looking woman
with a long, black braid down her back and a pretty strip of grey
in the front.

“Yep,” Mariam said, giving her belly a
cheerful rub.

“Great. You already saw the nurse, so we’ll
just have to wait to get the results back from the lab.”

“Sounds good,” said Mariam.

The doctor looked the results over when the
nurse brought them in. She squinted her eyes. There was a look of
concern on her face.

“And you took a pregnancy test at home?” the
doctor asked.

“Sure did. I still have it,” Mariam said as
she fished around in her purse looking for the stick. “See,” she
said, holding it in the air.

“I can’t believe you brought that,” said
Rashad, embarrassed.

“What? I wanted to keep it.” Mariam saw
nothing wrong with carrying a used pregnancy test in her purse.

“The thing is,” the doctor said, “according
to our test, you’re not pregnant.”

“What!” Mariam heard the doctor fine, but she
couldn’t believe her ears. She jumped up and waved her used test in
Dr. Tanner’s face. “That can’t be. Look at this. I am pregnant.”
The doctor inspected the test. She saw the pink plus sign just as
clearly as Mariam.

“That’s why we give you another test here, to
verify the one you already took. Home pregnancy tests are fine most
of the time, but they have been known to give false positives. I’m
sad to say I think this is one of those times.”

“No, you’re wrong. Do it again. Run the test
again!” Mariam demanded. She pulled up her sleeve up and stuck out
her arm for the doctor to draw more blood.

“Mariam, baby, it’s okay. We can just keep
trying.” Rashad tried to comfort her.

“No, it’s not okay! Their test is wrong. Run
it again,” she said, waving her arm in the air.

“Mariam, the lab closes early on Wednesdays,
so there’s no way to run another test today. Now, if you take
another home test and it comes out positive, feel free to…”

Mariam didn’t bother listening to the rest of
the sentence. She stood up, stormed out of the room and slammed the
door behind her.

“I’m sorry,” Rashad said. “She’s usually not
like this.” He went to join his wife in the waiting room.

“Mariam, you didn’t have to act like that.
That doctor didn’t do anything to you.”

“I know. I’m sorry, but I can’t believe I’m
not having a baby.”

“We can keep trying,” he told her.

“But, we’ve been trying, Rashad. Jaime got
pregnant on the first time, so I know it’s not you. It must be me.
Something’s wrong with me.”

“Nothing’s wrong with you. It’s different
with every person. For some it happens quickly, for others it takes
some time. Let’s just be patient. Come on, let’s get home. I’ll
make you lunch.”

Mariam picked at her food. “Come on, honey. I
know you’re hungry.” Rashad hated to see his wife so hurt, but he
was actually relieved she wasn’t pregnant. He wasn’t ready to be a
father, not a real one, the kind that does more than send monthly
installments. He needed more time to strengthen their
relationship.

He tried to change the subject. “We had a
crazy customer come in yesterday. He had to be drunk, because he
had no shoes on and was yelling at the top of his lungs ‘Where is
my dog?’ We thought we were going to have to call the police, but
someone lured him outside with a twenty dollar bill. It was pretty
funny,” he said with a chuckle. Mariam was quiet. “Guess you had to
be there.”

“I knew I was pregnant. I was so sure.”

“It’s okay. Don’t rush it. We’ve got the rest
of our lives to have children.” He moved closer.

“I don’t want to wait the rest of our lives.
I want it now. I need it now,” she said, still looking down into
her plate.

“We’re just getting over a huge hurdle. Let’s
take some more time for us.”

Finally, she looked up. “Rashad, I saw you
with those kids, your kids. I can’t compete with that. I thought
maybe if we had our own baby, I wouldn’t feel so out of place.”

“Out of place? You’re not out of place.
You’re right where you belong, here with me.”

“It doesn’t feel that way. Everyone thought I
was foolish for coming back. Now I’m starting to feel the same way.
Why am I here? What’s the point?”

“What do you mean what’s the point? The point
is that we’re married and building a life together. I’ve always
wanted a life with you. You know that. You’re my everything.”

“I’m not you’re everything,” she yelled. “You
have two sickeningly cute children that you obviously have a strong
connection with, and that shouldn’t bother me, but it does! For
years now, I’ve had everything mapped out. I was going to get the
best job, a wonderful man and I was going to have the perfect life.
” She stopped to catch her breath for a second. “I don’t want to
struggle. My whole life has been a struggle. Nothing ever came easy
for me. This is supposed to be my easy part. This is where things
are supposed to change. I worked so hard to pull myself up out of
the hole I was born in and damn it I’m right back in it.”

“I knew we shouldn’t have gone to see the
kids. I knew it! Baby, I thought we were past this. I’m sorry about
what I did, but we can still have a life together, the same one
we’ve been planning. Come on, honey. Don’t do this, please. We can
get through this. Just trust me, please,” he pleaded. “I need you,
honey. Please, don’t do this.”

He hugged her close. She tried to push him
off, but he didn’t let go. “You said you wanted to trust me. You
said you wanted to give me your all and get mine in return. Let me
show you I’m trust worthy. Let me give you my all. If it takes my
whole life, I’ll show you that I’m sorry and will never hurt you
again.”

“I know I said I was going to work through
this with you, but I don’t know if I can.” She was crying now. “I
don’t know if I have the energy to wake up to this every morning.
It’s too hard,” she said between sobs.

“I know it’s hard, but you’re not doing this
alone. I’m here. He cradled her face gently and looked her straight
in the eyes. “Mariam, I’m here. You’ve got to believe me. I’m in
this with you, right here with you, holding your hand and letting
you know this is where you belong. You don’t ever have to feel out
of place again. This is your place.” He took her hand and put it on
his heart.

“What’s that?” Joseph asked as he stood
behind his wife and studied the computer screen.

“I’m searching for daycares. I’ve been
thinking about going back to work.”

“Now? But the kids are still so young.
They’re not even in school yet.” He looked over at his playing
toddlers and then back to his wife.

“I know this is a little earlier than I’d
planned, but I think maybe it’s time.”

“They’re not even 2 yet. They’re still
babies. Where did this come from? I thought you liked being home
with the kids.”

“Oh, I do. The kids are great. I was just
running a few thoughts through my head. That’s all.”